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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.


Week 529

Day 3697 - 8/15 - Another pre-birthday

Today was ok I guess. I got a donation, so that was great. I added it to my overall monies, but I hope I can use some for a birthday present. We'll have to see in about a week when/if I get more. Sadly the primary money has to go to signing up for school next quarter. Other presents (from raw cash) have to come after that.

I guess today was ok overall. There were some good things and some bad in game. It is still a slow progression forward. And still almost no chat in guild, which isn't really surprising. There are maybe one or two dozen on during the day, as most don't come in until the evening when I leave. I'm sure if my life weren't limited to this schedule I'd be able to do more.

I'm still very congested. Still very sneezy, and again the meds I have don't seem to have any impact. I actually think that may be hurting my blood pressure more than it is reducing symptoms. But if I don't take something I'll literally be suffocating.

But I survived the day. I hung on to hope. And I continue to hope for better days ahead.

Day 3698 - 8/16 - Suffocating

Today I am suffocating in my own snot. I was so congested last night I couldn't sleep for a few hours after getting 'in bed' and I woke up two or three times unable to breathe, kind of gasping for breath. My nose is just totally blocked. I have to massively overdose on the nose spray to have any hop of it clearing even just for a short while. I guess the good news is today the nose passages seem dry. Still very congested, but dry is usually the first step towards clear.

I guess it was an ok day other than that. I accomplished a couple of important things in my game (though one is a bugged item, so that may not work out if the devs don't replace it with a non-bugged item.) Dad said he sent a birthday card, so we'll see what that means soon maybe.

But I made it through the day. I felt ok, but congested. So I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully there are better days ahead.

Day 3699 - 8/17 - Feeling the warm day

Today I got to feel the super warm day for a bit. It was a short drive, less than 10 minutes, but it was enough for the warm day to penetrate my library chilled skin and warm me up through to the bones. Though the interview was meh. It seems like it would be an ok building to work my old job at, but as I said before, it's my same old job, and nothing would be different or new or a step forward. It would be ok income probably, enough to maintain my sad homeless life, but never enough to recover. (It's capped at even fewer hours than my old job.) There are more interviews Tuesday so I don't expect to hear anything back for at least two weeks.

I guess the day overall was ok. I got to play my game and watch shows. I guess middle and lower grade schools in the area have started back up now, so population overall in the library only peaked at about 60-75% of full, which probably contributed to my connection being stable enough to not have issues all day.

The weird thing today was when I passed by school for the interview (the place is literally across the street) the lot was pretty much packed, like it would be if this were late September or early October and the next quarter was starting. I wonder if some departments are still having classes or if some event was happening.

But overall I felt ok today. Not too sad and nothing bad happened. So I held on ok. And so I continue to hang on to hope. I continue to hope help comes. And that I can hang on until better days.

Day 3700 - 8/18 - Feeling sad and tired

Today I feel pretty sad and tired. Tired because the last few nights I've lost a few hours of sleep each night. Mostly because of the congestion suffocating me. Sad I think because I'm getting a special birthday dinner. Not the steak with rice and vegetables I've gotten in previous years, just a nicer fast food, which will be like half the cost. But I'm not sad over the food choice. I'm sad because it's another year alone. And eating a fancy dinner reminds me of that more. It's another year I'm not hanging out and playing games or watching movies with people. Sure people have, and likely will, wish me happy birthday. And I know there are people out there thinking of me. But in person it's different.

I guess it wasn't a bad day though. The connection was good. I was warm enough. I had an ok time with my games and shows. And with what is left of the night I'll have a fancy dinner and hopefully be able to watch a couple of movies I checked out.

So I continue to hang on to hope. Hopefully help and opportunity will come. And hopefully I can make it to better days ahead.

Day 3701 - 8/19 - By dawn's early light

The end of yesterday turned out pretty badly. I got my dinner and got to the spot where I was expecting to eat and watch my movies and there was weirdness. It wasn't safe. But I wanted to do what I'd planned for days. So I waited a bit. Then the food started to get cold, so I had to eat it with no movie. Then I waited, and waited some more. Things were unstable. I was displaced. The hours and night seemed to stretch to infinity, as time tends to do when you aren't stable or safe. I didn't get to watch either of my two movies. And most of the night consisted of three minute naps every fifteen or thirty minutes, and the rest of the time I waited and felt worried. When things did finally seem settled enough it left me with barely three hours of actual sleep.

Today was ok at the library. I played my game and watched some shows and tried to not let the disappointment and sadness of last night affect me. I even had enough birthday monies to get myself the thing I really wanted, even though it won't come out until February and it seems very unlikely my current system will be able to run the game.

But I try to stay hopeful. I hope tonight will be a regular Sunday night, and I can do the activities of last night in a little bit. And hopefully things will be quiet and calm and I can try to sleep as normal, at the normal time. And hopefully help will continue to come and I can hang on and make it to better days.

Day 3702 - 8/20 - Sort of forgotten birthday

Today I feel pretty sad but also pretty happy. Happy because some people sent birthday wishes on the social page. And someone sent a pretty big birthday monies gift. Sad, because during dinner I realized I didn't get a cake or cupcake snack. Part of me intentionally forgot, as I don't really need those. But part of me is now sad for not having them. It feels like I let myself down. It feels like I am forgetting the traditions that make me who I am. And it feels like if I forget them, and there is no one else who knows them, then I am truly forgotten. And I am truly lost.

I can get a cake snack in the morning, that's fine. I'm not sure what to do with the money. Part of me would love to spend it pre-ordering another game I'm pretty sure I would like. A proper use of birthday money. But I already got the one I really wanted. And pretty much all games coming out soon are very likely beyond the capability of my old laptop. Or if I could play, it likely would be at extremely low settings.

In a related side note, while my power remains the same, the high end has been pushed much further. New graphic cards were announced today with ten times the power of the most powerful graphics card currently out. Normally a generation change is about 1.5 times the power. So this is an insane quantum leap forward. I expect that will filter into laptops within a year, and then I will be vastly behind in power, as I'm already only about 25% of the power of the lower-end recommended system.

But overall today was a pretty good day. I played my game and had fun. I watched some shows. And I got a shower. My congestion might even finally letting up a bit.

So for now I hang on to hope. And while today was a pretty good day I hope I can make it to better days ahead.

Day 3703 - 8/21 - Less congested, more congested

Today I got some sleep. Last night I was less congested, and for the first time in weeks slept through with only normal interruptions to pee. But now that I'm awake the congestion seems to be coming back. Overall lately it's been less, only needing the normal dosage of nose spray to stay clear, so maybe it's finally clearing.

It's just now morning, so the day hasn't even really started. It seems cold. The day is gray and cloudy. It seems lately weather is turning to winter more than it's hanging on to summer. While tired I feel hopeful. So hopefully the day will go well and I can hang on until better days.

Week 530

Day 3704 - 8/22 - Little sads make big sads

Today I feel petty sad, and I guess in general let down. I guess it started at the food store in the morning. I'd been thinking of getting cupcakes for my birthday and either forgot or chose not to. This morning I was determined to get a few. But there were not a few, only bigger 10 packs. Which is weird because it used to be four, six, or twelve. So 10 is an odd number to see. And it was way too expensive at $14. That is more than double what I was willing to pay. I decided to spend $4 getting a small pound cake. Which, while ok, is not what I'd been looking forward to.

Next I got bad news about what I planned to do with the birthday money. I thought I'd pay a yearly web space bill early. It would be nearly $170 for the next year. Looking back I guess I remembered the price incorrectly, but still it was much lower at $135. I was told I could call and maybe get a discount since I'm doing a whole year instead of one month at a time, but I really don't safely have even that much. So that was another disappointment.

Then in the afternoon for about an hour I had no bandwidth at all. My much show stopped several times and I feared I might not be able to watch (or play) anything.

The last sad news was in the late afternoon. A group in game was going kind of badly, taking 3-4 times as long as it should have. Then, one person starts being an abusive ass towards me. I break group and say I don't stand for that. Since it was the last boss they would simply find another healer in 5-10 minutes and then be done. But I kind of immediately felt bad. I gave zero Fs about the ass losing that time, and possibly further having trouble if they don't find a competent person. But I felt bad for the other two in the group who did nothing wrong. Was I then ruining their day as the ass had done to me? If that is the person who replaces me daily quest they'd have to do the entire dungeon over again as well as the final boss, because just the final boss won't count. Would that ruin their day?

So several small sad things added up. And too all day, probably because of my birthday and trying to sign up for classes, I had been thinking about things I haven't done. Things I'd like to do. Things I miss. And how I feel like so many things are passing me by, and I may never get a chance to do them again if I remain homeless.

So today was a super sad day. But I try to hang on to hope. I try to continue to hope real opportunity comes to move forward. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3705 - 8/23 - Surprise gift card

Today's big news is that dad sent a surprise gift card. When he sent his check I thought that would be it, as it was already double normal. But today he also sent a gift card. Which, when added to my Xmas gift card monies, is now $100. There is another game I would love to play, but it is not due out until 'spring'. It doesn't even have a solid date yet. And, it's very unlikely my system would run it well. And even more important, it's a single player game, so I don't really feel terribly compelled to get it right at launch compared to waiting 3-6 months for it to drop to half price.

So I thought and thought and thought. And at this point I think the money there will do maybe two possible things. Maybe the first; be something important I need, like replacing a failed power supply, or headphones, or maybe a critical clothing item. If I need such a thing. Maybe the second; and this is far less likely due to only being part of the thing, leave it as start of money towards a new laptop. This one is a lot tougher, as it requires income, or a huuuggge donation, as I'd need at least $1100 more for even the lower priced good laptop. (This is even a different brand than I normally get, with a lower hard drive and wireless than the brand I normally get. It's got top ratings though, so it's a solid system, just not as many extras that would be useful.) But at 8% of a new mid-range laptop this is a solid start that should not be ignored as an option since each day my current laptop falls further behind and becomes less likely to run new games.

The rest of the day wasn't really newsworthy. I watched a few shows. My connection was ok, a bit spotty here and there, but mostly ok. And I had an ok time in my game, not amazing, but not terrible.

So I will hold on to these possibilities and remember there is a little something there. I will try to hold on to hope. And hopefully I can hang on until forever better days.

Day 3706 - 8/24 - Clear in the evening

Today was a weird mix. It was a pretty good time in the morning to afternoon. I played my game, and although nothing was great, it was fine. In the early evening the connection started dropping me. From about 4 on it was too unreliable to game, so I just watched shows. (Which also were interrupted every half hour or so even with buffering due to full disconnections.)

But also by the early evening my nose started to be clear. And it's still clear now. It's still quite a bit congested deeper in, and there is a bit of sneezing. But it's a sniffle here and there, not the locked up suffocation it has been lately.

I'm extremely physically exhausted today. Though I slept well it feels like I lost half a night's sleep. I could barely keep my eyes open today, and several times while watching my shows I drifted off for a few minutes.

But I try to remember the good times. I try to look forward. Hopefully help and opportunity will come. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 3707 - 8/25 - Last weekend this weekend

Today was mostly good. The morning and day portions were ok. I didn't really get what I hoped for in my game, but that's ok. I got to try for drops and they don't always happen like we want.

The evening was better though. I had two movies checked out to watch, and I splurged in getting another fast food meal. I probably shouldn't have, but my congestion keeps coming back. If it's a cold fresh food with vegetables is probably my only real chance to fight it since the meds I've tried do nothing. Both yesterday and today I got clear in the afternoon and evening, but during the night I get full of snot and can't breathe. So hopefully the extra fresh food will help me.

That's really all for today. A few more plans for maybe things in the future are floating in my head, but they aren't worth talking about just yet.

So for now I will try to hang on to hope. I will try to remember what was good today and hopefully what can be good in coming days. And hopefully I'll continue to get help and can hang on until forever better days.

Day 3708 - 8/26 - Return of sniffles

Today was ok I guess. The connection became too unstable to play after about 3:30, so I spent a bit more time watching shows than I expected. It worked out ok.

I am still super sniffly and sneezy. I was sooooo tired. My brain felt confused again. It must be allergies because things seem to be cycling more or less every few days. I'd think a cold would be more... stable with its symptoms and progression. I was a bit sneezy too. Sometimes my body fights it off and I can get clear for a bit, like I've been mostly clear the past few hours, but I expect I'll cycle down and be congested again soon.

Oh, I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I just kind of flopped about and lost 3-4 hours of sleep. I'd kind of forgotten about that. And when I did sleep I had bad dreams.

But things were quiet and restful, and so I was thankful for that. Tomorrow will be another day, Monday, and the library should be mostly empty and quiet. So I try to remain positive and hopeful. Hopefully more help and opportunity will come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3709 - 8/27 - Too long

Today was an odd mix. It started with a shower in the morning. I also noticed my phone gets a wifi calling signal at school in the pool area, so Thursday I'll try to make an appointment with the new eye doctor. I realized I should probably make that a priority while I can. Hopefully I can buy part of a year's worth of contacts, as I have only maybe half what that would cost. Something like four months for $75 would probably be ideal.

The first part of my day at the library was pretty good. I got together with some of the guild people and we did some daily things. After that though, in the late afternoon things got weird. I got in a bad group about 30 minutes before I planned to leave. Not bad like the other day, just bad in that the people were really poor dps and didn't know what they were doing. After 2.5 hours one left. (The dungeon would normally take about 45 minutes.) We had been stuck on the same boss for the last 30 minutes. With the new person we had no problem and finished in one try in about 3 minutes. I guess I did get an important set piece, so those 2.5 hours of pain may not be forgotten, but in time my brain will consider it an ok trade.

Overall the day went fast. I don't know if that was the congestion from my cold, the odd times I ate (setting off my internal clock), or the extremely long group. But now that my day is over it feels like it should still have four more hours than I do.

All I can do is try to hang on to hope, and remember tomorrow is a new day. Maybe opportunity or help will come. And maybe I can make it to forever better days.

Day 3710 - 8/28 - Too much congestion

Today I am still totally stuffed up. Last night I even literally woke up choking and coughing up acid because my nose was completely stuffed up. I'll try overdosing right 'before bed' on decongestants and see if that makes any difference, but so far nothing seems to have worked. I'm not really worried about my overall health (any more than usual) because it's just congestion and sometimes sneezing. It doesn't seem like a cold because it's not escalating in any way. But it always worries me when I get sick these days due to not being able to properly recover due to being homeless.

I guess today should be ok other than that. It's gray and cloudy overhead. It's sprinkled a few times in recent days. My corrupt wisdom tooth is still super wiggyly and I still half feel I want it to just be gone and over with, and half of me feels my teeth will just get worse and worse and the corruption and falling apart of my body will never stop.

But I hope to have a good time at the library. Hopefully things will be quiet, calm, and I can play my games and watch my shows and try to forget my troubles. Hopefully help and opportunity will come, and I can hang on until better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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