PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 531

Day 3711 - 8/29 - The clear drink experiment

Today I am at about hour 9 of my clear drink experiment. While it's highly unlikely I've suddenly developed an allergic reaction to my regular soda, I do feel 'heavier' with brown foods. (My normal soda, brownies vs. pound cake, heavier lunch meats, etc.) If I still get super congested overnight then I'll probably stop the experiment Friday after about 36 hours of testing. If there is a food triggered allergic reaction I think it should be completely clear of my system after 16 hours of not having it. So that would be double the length to verify.

I guess today was actually pretty good. I had an ok time in my game, though I didn't really gain anything. And my replacement tablet cover has come. It was only $6 to do it, so that was great as I remember it being twice that much. This time I will not use the part that breaks in the way it was breaking. (It has an inner padding which is non-slip rubber and a hard slick plastic cover. Both times it's broken it was due to the plastic sliding it off a surface onto the hard floor. I'll just put that aside when I don't need the cover and use the rubber surface on things.)

No donations and still no word from the job I applied to or for paid surveys. I think with it more than a week past the last interview date they probably aren't interested. While part of me is relieved in that it leaves me open for better jobs, part of me is sad because it was an easy job. And at probably 10-15 hours a week it would be enough to cover my yearly homeless costs. And if I could still get food stamps, that would be enough extra to entirely replace my laptop or other job related car costs pretty quickly.

But I feel ok emotionally, and so I try to stay hopeful I will continue to get less congested. And hopefully help and opportunity will come, and I can hang on until better days.

Day 3712 - 8/30 - Too much

Today there was too much. First it was too much salami. My tummy was not feeling great and I had to go to the bathroom a lot. (It's ok though, as that's a quickly recovered thing. Pretty much tomorrow I should be ok again.)

Next was too much struggle with dungeon groups. I did daily dungeons with two different characters. And a couple of times they were super stressful and not the best. One guy was being super insulting and demeaning towards the others for really no reason.

After that my in game friend was on and wanted to do them again. I was at the point that I'd played too much already and wanted to leave, but I like playing with them, so I stayed to help. But again we did not have a great time in groups.

I think it just made me extra sad and upset because that's something I should be able to keep control of. I guess I just need to manage my time better. I think I will do less duplications of stuff and place a greater focus on just things I enjoy doing.

My experiment stopped early. I was going to continue through today, but I forgot to get more clear soda this morning, and so I ran out by about noon. It was about a 24 hour experiment. Some things were better, some unchanged. I do feel different when I have more clear soda. It's a similar feeling as when I have more fruit or more non-meat meals. I would like to do that more regularly, but due to money limitations and lack of being in a home I can't change my diet really.

I have also been fearing death quite a lot lately. It hasn't triggered any panic attacks, not big ones anyways. I'd say maybe micro attacks, where I feel sad and scared and know if I continue to think about it I would start shaking and crying. It's more just the fear and sadness and it passes quickly and that's all. In a month hopefully school will distract me. And hopefully I can keep thinking I should still have 40 more years. I think how many times in my life I've felt like I'm in a different life cycle of me, and I should have several more cycles left. So hopefully I can leave the sad parts of this time in my life behind me soon, and yet another cycle will begin.

So I continue to try to hang on to hope. I continue to try to hang on. And hopefully I can hang on until my forever better days.

Day 3713 - 8/31 - I suppose good

Today was, I suppose, actually a pretty good day. I did some editing in the morning at the food store, so I got that out of the way to do my regular stuff at the library.

The library time was pretty quiet and a decent connection. There were some hiccups in the later afternoon, as expected, but nothing terrible. I did get one step further in a set I'm trying to collect in my game, so that's good. And I had a better time overall focusing on just what I wanted to do for me, not forcing myself to do things I felt I needed to do for others to be ready 'eventually' or 'just in case' I do x activity.

And, just before I left there was a bit of interesting news about a game. I didn't have time to really look at it though. I'll have to wait until the morning for that. But it's something new and different to look forward to.

I'm still congested and sneezy and overall feel out of shape and like I have a cold. But hopefully that will pass someday. It's still continuing to get a touch less every day, even though I get completely congested at night.

So I guess I feel just a little bit better than normal. And so I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day too.

Day 3714 - 9/1 - Set complete

Today was ok I guess. The connection at the library was a bit unstable due to it being the weekend, but it was stable enough to play my game and watch some previews of things happening at a convention this weekend. I finally completed a gear set in my game that I've been trying to get, so that's good. And it lets me do more than I was expecting, which is even better.

Overall though I'm still very sleepy and congested. I'm still trying what I can to get clear, but still very little seems to have any kind of effect.

But I try to continue to hang on to hope. And I try to focus on the good times. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3715 - 9/2 - Fewer sniffles

Today there are fewer sniffles than there have been lately. In fact, last night was one of the first times in probably a month I didn't wake myself up suffocating unable to breathe through my nose. Maybe I'm finally starting to get less affected by things. I did take 1.5 times the allergy medicine dosage yesterday, but I've done that before with no effect. I'll try that again tonight and see if it helps or not.

I'm sooooo very exhausted though. A few times during the day my eyes closed and I felt like I'd fall asleep sitting upright right there.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. It's a holiday for most, a time of celebrating and remembering. But for me it's a day when almost everything will be closed, limiting my options for places to be, and even further limitation to my connections online where I can try to live my life.

But I try to remember today was just one day. And tomorrow is another. And I will get through them and have many more ahead. And hopefully they will be better days.

Day 3716 - 9/3 - Feeling sick

Yesterday and today I've felt pretty sick. In part because of the congestion in my tummy, but also I think it's the lunchmeat I got which was not the best, despite its expiration date stating otherwise. My tummy feels unsettled. I have a headache. And in general I feel a bit dizzy.

Today went about as good as can be expected with things closed. The food store started calm and quiet, but as the day went on it just got more and more busy, louder, and more crowded, and less desirable in general. The connection was mostly ok. I played less demanding activities though most of the day, and by early afternoon it was no longer stable enough to play at all. It was still ok for watching shows due to the buffer, so that was ok.

So for now I continue to try and hang on to hope. I try to focus on what is good that I do still have. And I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3717 - 9/4 - Up early

Today is starting early. I woke up on my own about 30 minutes earlier than I expected to. Maybe because I'm excited to have a regular day and catch up on things missed yesterday. Maybe because I slept pretty well, having not been choked awake in the night by congestion. In the short time I've been up so far I'm still pretty congested, with one side plugged completely. I'm going to try to not do any meds though. I wonder at this point if it isn't doing more harm than good having overdosed on so many trying to get clear with little to no effect.

I don't know how today will go. And sometimes I think that is the saddest part of my life - having no expectations or hopes for the future. But with no hopes or expectations it is difficult to be let down or disappointed.

But I try to hang on to hope. I try to look at what is positive. And I hope help and donations come, and I make it through to better days.

Week 532

Day 3718 - 9/5 - Fat cat

Today was ok. I tried another new experiment in overdosing to twice the dosage of the allergy medicine. I had previously done 1.5 times and my heart felt kind of bad, so I stopped. My heart rate has been a bit elevated, like when my blood pressure meds were off, but I feel ok other than that. The good news is it may be enough to break whatever threshold is needed. Veeeeery slowly over the day the congestion has started to clear and my nose has gotten more dry to normal. Now, about 10 hours later I have my mouth almost fully closed and I'm breathing through my nose fairly clearly, something I have rarely done in the past month.

Hopefully I'll continue to stay clear and work my way back towards normal. At most I will do twice the dose two more days, but that is it, just normal dosage after that until I've been 90% of normal for a few days at least.

I played my game and watched some shows. It was a pretty normal day. No new jobs to apply to, and with still no reply on the one I interviewed for it seems certain to be a dead end, as we are now two weeks past their last interview date.

On my way to the ex-garage in the evening I noticed a shape in the path. I looked closer and there were the very distinct kitty ears in the silhouette. It was a super chubby cat, twice as wide as it should be for its size. I went up and said hello and asked if they wanted pets. They approved and were purring within two pets. I felt no collar, but they were clean and smooth. So I would guess they did have a home but wore no collar due to their size. They seemed like a sweetie and flopped over for tummy pets. It was nice to feel a warm critter and hear their happy purrs.

So today I try to hang on to the good things, even though nothing new happened and I worry that another day has ticked away on all the timers. But I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3719 - 9/6 - Confirmation yes, confirmation no

Today had a couple of confirmations. In the morning at the food store I received the most important confirmation in that my food money has recycled. So that is continuing at least for the moment. (Which should mean at least through December.) This likely means that they received my letter reminding them that I'm exempt from the three month limit due to being both homeless and a part-time student. So I shouldnt have to worry for at least a few months.

The second confirmation really isn't a surprise, nor anywhere near as important. In the late afternoon I got a confirmation I was not picked for the position I interviewed for, which I had already assumed.

I guess the day was ok other than that. I played my game and watched shows. I was exxxxxtremely tired. At a few points I closed my eyes and was kind of asleep. The cold or allergies are still beating me up, and occasionally I am so stuffed up my brain has the confusion and just shuts off entirely. I'm still unsure if the new overdose test is doing anything. I'll do one more day of overdosing and then that's it.

But my brain felt sad today. And combined with the cold it wanted to play a game coming out in two months more than anything else. It's sort of a board game, sort of a card game, so it's very low energy and intensity, yet still requires my brain think and adapt to what's going on, more of a reaction based puzzle than anything else. It's supposed to be $20, so hopefully I can get it when it does come out, and because I'm so short on what I have left it is effectively all gone. And that is without paying off the bigger bills like the new cycle of car insurance, web space, or contacts.

But I try to only look at right now, because it's all I have. And I try to look at what is positive. And I try to hang on to hope for better days ahead.

Day 3720 - 9/7 - No more meds

Today I was extremely exhausted. At several points in the day I closed my eyes and kind of fell asleep. I think it's time to stop all meds that I've been trying to fight this cold or allergies with. They are just making me sleepy. Or the cold is. I'm not sure. I guess I'll see once I'm about 24 hours clear of the meds. I will have to use the nose spray though, as some times my nose is just literally completely plugged and I'm gasping for breath. But no more allergy meds. I don't think they help with this for whatever strange reason.

I guess today was ok other than that. Though it's hard to remember since about half of the day my brain had zero thought capacity and around a 30 second attention span. I could continue what I was doing, or react just fine, as long as I was alone. My in game friends were on and I was sad because I was all like, 'hunh? what? what's going on?' And couldn't interact coherently at all.

I was pretty sad though. So my brain wandered to other future games and better times. Not that I was having a bad time, not at all. It's just... I don't know... my brain wants something new and different to rekindle things. Even my regular game I escape to feels 'normal' now because I am in summer stagnation of the same thing every day. Which is sad, but also kind of good and necessary to distract from all the sad things I can't control.

But I try to focus on what is good. I try to focus on what I have left, not what I've lost, or will lose. And I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully help and opportunity will come and I can continue to make it to better days.

Day 3721 - 9/8 - Tired

Today I feel very tired. I did just a bit of nose spray, but no other meds, so it's not an overdose tired. It's just a tired tired. I slept ok though, and got a decent amount of sleep. I guess there were kind of bad dreams. I think though it's that I have no way to get mental rest. My sad life prevents me from resting my brain when I sleep. There is always tension, worry, fear, and I can never really relax and let go when I sleep like you can in a home.

I guess my day was ok. The library got full by late afternoon, so pretty quickly after that the connection slowed enough that my game activities were getting lag, so I stopped playing earlier than expected. I guess it's ok though as there is a new season of a show to watch on the movie page that I have access to through this month. Since it buffers it is far less often completely crippled due to lag.

My brain again wandered. This time to good food; light food. I have a nice chicken to eat, but it was a lot gotten on Friday, so it's no longer fresh. It is still ok to eat, but now it feels greasy, heavy, and like it would be much better shredded up and put into a soup with rice and carrots. I hope it's still ok to eat tomorrow. It would be terrible to get sick from it or have to throw it out.

My brain also thought about friends again. How it would be nice to 'have people over' for a relaxing game of something. To talk and play.

But I have what I have. I have to try and hang on to what is left and good in my life. And I try to hang on to hope that I can make it to better days.

Day 3722 - 9/9 - Feeling sick and tired

Today I feel pretty tired. I got woken up by my nose being plugged last night, so I lost almost an hour or more of sleep. In good news when I'm awake it is mostly dry, though there are still sniffles and some congestion. I think in total I've only used the regular nose spray dosage today.

I feel pretty sick though. A bit from an upset tummy, likely a combination of old chicken and the congestion. But more-so a sick in my body is damaged kind of sick. That sick you get when you are bruised and banged up. My wisdom tooth is half rotted and all wiggly, so it's poking the gum. It's not doing too much damage, but it has that sick wound feel to it. Where you know the wound is causing more damage than the actual damage, and if the source of damage would just go away the healthy parts would quickly recover. It hurts to try and pop it out, so I'll have to wait.

My laptop is having issues playing movies with the software as well. I didn't get to watch what I planned to last night. So that, along with my tooth, seem to just be a reminder that y life is terrible and out of my control. If feel old, broken, and since I lack money to fix anything, unrepairable.

Thankfully I think, in this case, it's just the software. For some reason it seems to no longer be working. Other software sees disks just fine. Even the not working software seems to be able to read the files on the disk, it just isn't playing the movie for some reason. I got a free trial software just before leaving the library, so hopefully that will work and I can keep watching physical disk things until customer support gets back to me on how to fix my regular software.

So I try not to worry about my sad things too much. I try not to focus on how I feel helpless, broken, and undesirable. And I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3723 - 9/10 - Another guild

Today was ok I suppose. I got another pre-questionnaire for a paid survey test. But that so rarely pans out, and it's not until a month from now.

I am still feeling sick, congested, tired, and more stuffed up, sometimes so bad I can't breathe through my nose at all. It seems the same level of bad regardless of the medicine I do, or don't, use.

I joined another guild in my online game. They seem like nice people. I guess it's based on keeping real life issues out of the game, using it as an escape from troubles and sad times, and many members have sad lives like me, or worse due to disability. So it seems like a positive support place potentially. They were pretty chatty, which the other guild isn't, so that is something. I guess we'll see if I stay long-term.

That is really it for the day. I feel sad. I feel extremely tired. I feel a bit of hope has been lost lately as we near the end of the year and so many bills come up with that.

But I try to hang on. And I try to make it to better days.

Day 3724 - 9/11 - Sniffle sniffle

Today I am all sniffles. My nose is clearing pretty quickly, but I got completely stopped up last night.

Today seems ok so far. I am starting at my normal time after being displaced from my safe spot last night for about two hours. It wasn't too bad, but it did throw off my evening schedule, causing me to lose at least one hour of sleep.

But my nose seems like it is on the way to clearing, and I should have all day to do regular job check things, play, have fun, and try to rest and relax. So I try to stay hopeful. Hopefully help and donations will come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher