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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 561

Day 3921 - 3/27 - Weird after five

Today I decided to not talk about what I was going to talk about. I wrote a page and a half and just crossed it out because it really isn't important. The short version is I almost had a boon with a temporary house sitting gig for a week which I expected to pay for next school quarter and a car insurance payment, but the person flaked, and really nothing has changed. Though now I am super worried about bills. I suppose I expected it. The person has recently flaked and not helped me out when I already volunteer help them for probably 1,000 hours a year on low average for them. For years they've said they were going to look into getting me compensated but that's never happened, so why should they follow through on anything that would help me financially.

But school is getting very weird this week after about five. All the classes are done by then, even seemingly night ones that don't start until 4 or 4:30, so I guess it's not surprising it gets weird. But I hate my routine being forced to change. Even more so when that change means we are edging closer to a time I need money to continue and don't have it.

But I guess as with any day today is no different. Things are out of my control and all I can really do is try to hang on to what's left, and hope help and donations come. And that I can make it to better days.

Day 3922 - 3/28 - Respect your opinion

Today things got weird by about three. I think for sure I'll skip going to school tomorrow, which is always weird when I'm not at school on a weekday, but I'll have next week off anyways so it's going to be weird eventually.

There were two nice things today though. A student was talking to someone about some issues he had with people on his crew and he gestured towards me and said 'I was part of this conversation too because he valued my opinion'. That was nice to hear. Later in the evening a professor mentioned that next quarter he has a class in the lab on Mondays and I was welcome to come in and sit in there if I wanted (instead of outside in the hall). So that was nice to be thought of.

But overall I'm very worried about the bills. I'll have exactly enough to pay the one if I decided to do that, which I should, but I'm worried it will put me 100% out of money, leaving nothing for other bills or gas. (Though any other bill is more than that one, so I guess they aren't an option anyways.) But if I don't pay it it could just get eaten up by small things. But all I can do is try to hang on and hope help and opportunity come, and I can hang on until it does.

Day 3923 - 3/29 - Odd smells

Today was super terrible. There wasn't much to it. I didn't feel a lot like playing, so I only played a little bit and watched a lot of game news and shows.

The day was normal up until the evening when someone sat nearby who smelt like she was wearing half a bottle of perfume. I thought I might start sneezing from allergies, but thankfully didn't. The weird part was that shortly after I got an equally strong different smell which I can only describe as green beans in milk. The two smells cycled a few times over the 1.5 hours until I left.

I guess things weren't too terrible today. Nothing bad happened, but I worried about everything all day. All I can do is try to hang on and hopefully help and donations come, and I can make it until they do.

Day 3924 - 3/30 - Nice discovery

Today I discovered something pretty important which cheered me up a bit. I'd thought my MMO that I play which has a big expansion coming up was going to only be sold on their online store. I'd been very depressed about that lately because I have no cash for any games, because the only money I have is gift card money at on online store. There was a stream yesterday showing some of the new content and today I found out that it is being sold at the online store I have gift card money at. So there is a 99% chance I'll be able to get it. (I already have enough gift card money to cover it, but there's always the chance a big disaster could require I spend it before hand.) And, now that's on my wish list, so if someone wants to get it for me that's an option too. Only bunny day is between now and launch, which is pretty much only a big deal for me (not others), but I always feel more hopeful when a thing is on my list.

That was really it for my day though. Bandwidth was pretty bad at the library, so my play time and show watching was pretty limited. In fact, it was so bad at one point I gave up and started watching stuff on a DVD.

But I guess nothing got notably worse, just worsened by another day passing, which is the norm for me. So I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully help and donations come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3925 - 3/31 - Feeling sad

Today I feel pretty sad. Tomorrow I will officially be past due on car insurance for April and still have no money at all beyond that to pay for things like next school quarter. Even though those are just a touch over $100 together I have no idea how I will get that. The house sitting would have covered it, but with just about every other thing that person has offered it fell through.

I guess I wasn't too sad to do anything. I did play for a little bit in the morning while the bandwidth was good. And I did watch some shows. But all day I felt like I was missing so much. Even when I was just working part time these little things weren't an issue. I could just pay the small bills and be done, or if I wanted a game I could just get it, or if I wanted to go food I could just get it and it wasn't a huge issue. But it seemed like all day no matter what I did, no matter what I said or heard, it was just a reminder... I can't. My life can't even cover basic needs.

But I try to hang on to hope that help, donations, and opportunity come. But all I can do is try and hang on and not be too sad in the meantime.

Day 3926 - 4/1 - Not as bad

Today wasn't as bad as I expected. I was pretty cold at the food store, and it didn't have much bandwidth I couldn't connect to my shooter at all, but it didn't feel as awkward to stay there as I thought it would. And most online videos worked fine, so I mostly watched stuff online and played a little bit of lower bandwidth games and watched some shows for a series I checked out from the library.

I'm still very worried that I have no idea how I'll pay for the now overdue car insurance, or next school quarter, let alone get any more gas. And I am still very sad I don't even have basic things taken care of. But I suppose things could still be worse.

For now it seems all I can do is try to continue to hang on, and hopefully help and opportunity will come and I can make it to better days.

Day 3927 - 4/2 - Out of sorts

Today I am out of sorts due to it both being no school and the library being closed yesterday. My brain doesn't know what day it is and thinks it's Monday. Detouring to school to shower and shave probably didn't help in that regard.

I guess today isn't too bad so far. I did my daily things in my shooter without too much issue. There aren't many here at the library, so it will probably be pretty clear most of the day during the break. (Though it did disconnect me and was a touch wobbly.)

But I'm still constantly worried about the bills since I have no way to pay them. And with my other sads it seems daunting lately.

But all I can do is try to relax and keep hoping help, donations, and opportunity come, and that I can hang on until it does.

Week 562

Day 3928 - 4/3 - Almost run into

Today I was almost run into by someone in a van. There is a turn about two blocks from the library which is two lanes that turn into three. There is a huge software/hardware company nearby, and if people don't know that there is a turn almost immediately after that which people can suddenly stop and turn at. I was in the middle lane and I guess the lady in the van was one of those people who don't know, because she made a sudden hard swerve from the right lane into me. I had to hard swerve and slam on my horn to get her attention. Thank the gods I knew the lane to my left was free and I could do that because it was like she didn't look at all before swerving. She got close enough I could very clearly see her shocked face and what jewelry she was wearing as I dodged away. Pretty scary, but thankfully no real harm done.

Lately news about my pre-ordered birthday game has been breaking my heart. It's a solid start, and I'll agree it's lacking loot and a few kind of key features, but those can be fixed in time. Yesterday some huge news calling the devs of the game out for saying it had been in development for six years when, in fact, it had only really been just over a year, and they had changed features so many times that it heavily crippled development. And what is worse, they worked the employees so hard that people had to take time off to recover from mental and physical breakdowns. That's not a good way to run a company, especially one of the companies with the highest reputations for making good games. Hearing this explains why the game has had such trouble, as well as the game that released before this one. I wish them well and hope they fix things, but it breaks my heart. And what is more sad is it took all my money and I have no way to get a different game that could make me happy. (I have enough for one in gift card money at the online store, but the one I'd get isn't sold at that store.)

I guess other than those very sad things my day was just a regular sad homeless day, with things no better and no worse (save for another day passing where things are unpaid.)

So I try to continue to hang on to hope that help, opportunity, and donations come. And I can hang on until it does.

Day 3929 - 4/4 - Feeling extremely sad

Today I am feeling extremely sad. Maybe it's because the 'vacation' of spring break isn't a vacation for me. Things are toughest while there are holidays for me.

And this past week things have smelt like Phoenix. I don't know what my brain associates with that. Some kind of plant, maybe a mix of plants, probably daisies. But that always makes me think of my youth. When I felt like I had everything ahead of me, with several options and possibilities of what I might do in life, and I was too young to need to worry about that so I just focused on playing and having fun.

Whatever the mix of things, it feels like I am completely lost. Like I have no possibilities. I not only don't have relatives to visit and adventures to different places to go on, but I don't even have my own room anymore, let alone a home attached to said room. What was a care free life has turned to one of constant worry and fear. What were people who took care of me and no bills to worry about, has turned to only a few seeming to care and not enough money to have $150 a month to cover basic homeless bills and car needs to break even. I was so sad today there were half a dozen times I had micro panic attacks about death and mortality and almost started crying each time.

But I try to hang on. I play my games and watch my shows and try to bury the sad feelings behind distraction and what little happiness I can have. It seems it's all I can do these days.

Day 3930 - 4/5 - Feeling slightly better

Today I feel slightly better compared to yesterday. Nothing changed externally, so nothing changed internally/mentally. I had an ok time in my games and watching shows, but the sad still got through, and I still wish I had the money to get another new game I've been thinking I might enjoy (to kind of replace the one that breaks my heart.)

I guess the day wasn't too terrible, and I am looking forward to helping in three classes next quarter. But with no help another day has passed that bills are later and/or one day closer to coming due. And for that I worry greatly. But, as always, it seems all I can do is continue to try to hang on, and keep hoping that help and opportunity come and I can make it until they do.

Day 3931 - 4/6 - Black and white

Today had strange weather. At times the clouds were black and stormy. Yet others they were clear and almost white with blue skies. The temperature has even been up a bit lately, implying when the rain is finally gone we might finally see some warm shorts wearing weather.

My stay at the library was pretty bad. Bandwidth got bad almost immediately, leaving me with trying to struggle through even low bandwidth games and stuttering videos if I tried to watch stuff.

No help or donations came, so I am now looking at basically half a week of gas before I should stop driving, and just running a dry of cloths as I can't afford an actual wash. Things are looking their bleakest financially at now six days past due on car insurance, not signing up for classes (leaving me open to threats from financial aid), and other bills just around the corner. I guess I did get to pay one important bill with what was left of the last donations, but I worry the remaining things coming in the next few months won't be covered without some kind of miracle.

A chip restocker at the food store mentioned he saw me every day. I told him my life is pretty sad and I have to shop for food one day at a time, and if I had any choice I wouldn't do that. But I have to try to do the best with what I have. I have little or no choice with most things. So all I can do is try to hang on the best I can.

Day 3932 - 4/7 - Owie in the heel

Today there was a something in my left heel. It looked like a little black dot and hurt when I stepped down on it. I picked and poked at it and eventually a bit of yuck came out and now it feels better. I don't know if that was releasing yuck that was doing something like fighting off a splinter or if it was a pimple, but I guess it doesn't matter as long as it feels better in time.

This morning I did a quick dry. I guess it worked out ok. Some stuff doesn't smell so bad. I don't know if I'd say it smells good, but some cloths still have a teeny bit of lingering dryer sheet smell. So hopefully that masks bad smells. At the rate my gas is going I'll be extremely short soon. If I need to start walking y the weekend that will be about 10 minutes of driving in a day turned into about 3 hours or more of walking. So things will get terrible fast if help doesn't come.

Last night wasn't great either. After I did my writing what was left of one of my top front teeth wiggled and fell out. I suppose that wasn't surprising. It's been corrupt and mostly gone for about two years now. I must look like a horror show to anyone who sees my top teeth now with several of them corrupt or missing. Maybe I do a good job of hiding them. I've never been proud of my smile, so for the past about 30 years I've trained my lips to not reveal my teeth.

But it seems lately all I have are reminders of what I don't have; clean cloths, good teeth, good contacts, gas, fresh cooked food.

But I try to hang on. Hopefully help and donations will come, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3933 - 4/8 - Return hellos

Today was kind of bad at school, and kind of good. In bad, the connection was pretty terrible. It rated fast enough during speed checks, but in the morning it was disconnecting me from my game every 10 minutes, and in the afternoon and evening it was still lagged and I'd get stuck now and then, and zones which normally take 15 seconds to load were taking a couple of minutes.

I suppose it was kind of good in that I had four visitors stop by and say hi. One said he specifically came by to see if I was there, and had class across campus in 10 minutes. Which seem difficult to believe, but if true that's super nice.

I guess I had an ok time overall. I had cooked micro food, and being back at school, even when it feels awkward because I'm not taking classes and feel out of place, feels nicer than being solo at the public library. But another day of things coming and past due has come and gone. And so that feels very sad. I was also completely exhausted. For some reason I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep last night, so I'm running on only 5-6 hours of sleep. And when I did sleep it was troubled with dreams of homeless struggles. So all day I had zero ability to focus and my memory span was reduced to about 30 seconds.

But I guess I continue on. I tried to hang on as best I could. And hopefully help and donations will come and I can make it to better days.

Day 3934 - 4/9 - Feeling odd

Today I feel a bit odd. I'm not sure what is causing it or why. I think maybe because the weather is odd being a touch warm with a cold breeze after being so rainy.

It's the first class I TA this quarter today. It's a short one because it's twice a week. Thursday is the big day with both once a week classes right in a row after the Tuesday/Thursday class. It should be ok today though. I can always just play on my tablet or laptop if I get bored since it's lecture I've heard like 20 times and I'm not usually needed for that.

I'm still worried about all the bills and gas and everything. I'm running out of everything and it's still super terrible. But hopefully help and donations will come and things will get at least a little better. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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