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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 533

Day 3725 - 9/12 - Test retest methodology

Today I am again trying the clear drink experiment. This time I got enough clear drink for 2-3 days, so we'll see how things go. My day was about normal for congestion and the real test is overnight. I'm thinking this is either a cold that just won't let go, or it's environmental. Environmental would explain why I can only get control while at the library, as it's the only filtered environment I have access to. But, I figure the drink theory is worth re-testing since overall environment and my regular soda are the only two constants in my life right now. Yes, I'm only eating about six different foods, but the reaction would be more seveer if it were something that's not a constant, like a food allergy.

I feel kind of sad today. I have fun in my game, but I'm still pretty lonely. And due to my limitations and not being able to do group activities with either guild, I still feel like a lot of the time I'm working towards nothing. The things I collect, for the most part, just get banked, or go relatively unused, much like real world things in my regular life.

I guess it was an ok day though. I did get up more than an hour early, so I'm extra exhausted. But I played my game as much as I wanted without lag interfering. I watched some shows and even laughed a bit. And I had enough food.

So I try to stay hopeful. Hopefully I can get some extra rest tonight. Hopefully I'm not strangled by congestion. Hopefully help and donations come. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 3726 - 9/13 - Confirmation not a food allergy

Today pretty much confirms the congestion is not a food allergy, which is not really a surprise. Sure, it was one of three possibilities, but due to my age, and that my diet hasn't changed for basically years due to the limitations, something starting in the last few months seems highly unlikely. Today at about 1-2 hours into my library time I became the most stuffed up I'd ever been. Even heavily overdosing on the nose spray did nothing. It just made my nose literally run for like half an hour, with zero impact on the congestion.

I guess it was a reasonably ok day other than the massive cold. I did what I wanted in my game pretty quickly and then had plenty of time to mess around. Though the connection started to go bad around 3 so I didn't get a chance to do stuff with my online friend, which is very sad.

I played other stuff and watched shows, so the bandwidth was ok for those thankfully.

So for another day I tried to hang on to hope. And hopefully I will make it to better days ahead.

Day 3727 - 9/14 - Hopefully past the worst

Today and last night were the worst the cold has been yet. Last night I couldn't breathe at all and my throat was totally dry all the time from my mouth being open and gasping for breath. I must have woken up every half hour or hour all night long. And I had terrible dreams.

Through the early afternoon the library time didn't get much better. I was still completely plugged up in my nose and I was constantly sneezing or had a runny nose. Also, there was so much yuck in my tummy I felt like I was going to throw up and had chills. I had a bad headache too. It was so bad in the morning that my eyeballs hurt. How weird is that?

It was so bad that during my morning shopping I got some decongestants again. Now, in the evening, it seems like things are finally clearing up and on the road to recovery. I'm not breathing clearly, but my nose passage is dry, yet still stuffed up. It will probably backtrack some during the night, but hopefully I can get clear or mostly better before the meds run out in two days.

I had a strange chance meeting with a student today too. He came by to apparently do some writing, but his laptop seemed to not be working. How weird that I was going up the stairs in the middle of the day as he was going down at exactly the right time to meet and chat for a minute. Normally I go up those stairs only once in a day.

I guess I had an ok time gaming and watching stuff. The connection was stable until around 4, so that's when I basically stopped playing my game and did other things.

I guess despite how sick I am it was an ok day. So I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3728 - 9/15 - Dry lips

Today was mostly ok. The bandwidth at the library was pretty bad, so I had to stay solo all day. My online friends were on, but I didn't have a chance to do stuff with them.

In good news for the past few hours I've been breathing through my nose. I'm still congested, but it's dry. And I was even breathing normally without realizing I was doing it. It's been such a struggle to breathe though my nose lately. I had another pretty terrible night last night. I was waking up frequently due to being congested. And the past couple of nights I've breathed through my mouth so much I have cracked dry lips. I had to drink a lot the past few nights because my mouth was so dry when I was sleeping that it woke me up. So hopefully things are starting to finally turn around. Hopefully I'll finally be fully clear soon.

I'm pretty exhausted having bad sleep the past few nights and fighting the cold. But I can still play and watch shows, so that's something. So I try and hang on to the good times. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3729 - 9/16 - Slow to fast day

Today was an odd mix. I had a lot of fun and did a bunch of stuff and when I checked the time it was only 2 when it felt like 5. So it was great in that the morning and early afternoon felt long. But after that things passed pretty quickly. It felt like I only watched a couple of shows and then my time at the library was over.

I'm still pretty sick. I'm very congested deep inside. My nose is clearing more, but still plugging up at night. I slept better last night than I have in a long time, but my lips were still dry from needing to breathe through my open mouth. I still have tooth pain at times from my wiggly dying wisdom tooth. And an extreme deep sadness about that, on top of all my everyday sad things.

I guess today was pretty ok looking at the positive things, but there are still so many sad things it is very difficult to not feel very sad. I suppose though there is this coming week, but after that there is school, and maybe that will help distract me.

So I try to hang on. I try to stay hopeful. I try to hope help and donations come, and that I can hang on until better days.

Day 3730 - 9/17 - Still dry

Today my lips are still pretty dry. Most of the day I was super congested. Again the meds really seem to have little to no impact. Pretty much heavy overdose of nose spray is the only way to pierce the congestion.

I felt pretty sick for half of the day, again a bit feverish, sleepy, sneezy, and the confusion of not being able to keep track of what I'm doing.

I guess it was an ok day though. I didn't do anything different really. Oh, the optical drive software issue is finally fixed. After the last reply I got sick of it, as that was the third reply with two to three days between each reply. I was like 'look, the demo software works fine, other software works fine, it's confirmed that it's not a hardware issue. Just give me a link to re-download the software or a key to make the demo software permanent'. They did finally give me a link to re-download the software. And, as I'd guessed would be the case like two weeks ago, it now works fine again.

But I guess the day was ok. While I was sick I wasn't too sick. So I try to hang on to the good things. And I try to hang on to the hope that donations will come, and I can make it to better days.

Day 3731 - 9/18 - So much congestion in the night

Today I am pretty tired. I again lost several hours of sleep last night due to being woken up by so much congestion I was being choked. If I can't get this to seriously clear soon I may have to consider going to a doctor, which at school might be difficult as they are usually pretty solidly booked the first month.

It's nearly October, so I unfortunately have to spend most of the last of my birthday money on the first car insurance payment. I guess it's ok in that I have it, but that leaves nothing for contacts, and nothing for the web space due at the end of the year. So I become more and more worried as the year comes to a close about all the bills I can't pay.

But I guess the weather outside seems moderate. I still have a car (though it's recently started having a rare faint odd noise, seemingly not related to engine speed), my laptop, and some of my health. So I try to hang on to the positive things. And I hope I can make it through to better days.

Week 534

Day 3732 - 9/19 - Leave guild

Today there was some sad stuff in my game. I guess it's not really the guild's fault, but I quit the most recently joined guild. It was presented to me as a place where people who had sad lives could go and the game was an escape for them. But in the time I've been in it, every one out of about three days there has been much discussion of sad things in guild chat. And while a group therapy chat can be great for some, and I'm happy that exists for them, it is the opposite of what I want in my game. After an hour and a half long conversation in game where several things made me sad I left the guild. Again, that is the exact opposite of what I want my online time to be.

I guess the day as ok other than that. I am still wavering between congested and sneezing, and dry but still a bit congested. Hopefully I'm continuing to get better, but it's extremely difficult to tell. Most of today and some of yesterday I've breathed through my nose mostly, so that is something. And last night too I breathed pretty much though my nose. But for some reason I didn't fall asleep until three hours after I could have. And my sleep was troubled with bad dreams.

So I try to hang on to hope. I try to focus on the good things I still have left. And I continue to hope I make it to better days.

Day 3733 - 9/20 - Becoming dificult

Today was pretty good I suppose. Mostly during the day I was pretty clear and ok feeling, but near the end of the day I started to get more congested, sneezy, and my nose started to get plugged to the point of choking me again. Now I even feel borderline chills and feverish.

I was watching one of my horror shows and it was becoming difficult to for me to watch. With how often I feel scared about death and dying, horror can sometimes trigger panic type things now. I'm not so bad I collapse crying, but there are times it can spiral me into feeling sad and worried.

I'm also feeling very fat and unhealthy lately. I'd like to try and do some mini-workouts, but with this cold or allergies beating me down I barely have the energy for everyday things. There is none to spare to try and work out. Not counting that I don't really have the space to.

But I still try to hang on to the good things. I try to stay hopeful. And hopefully I can hang on, help and opportunity will come, and I can make it to better days.

Day 3734 - 9/21 - Create

Today and last night I did some super creative writing. I am entering a ship design in a contest and I got really into writing the lore and background for it. It's been a while since I was excited enough to do some truly creative writing. Usually the only writing I do is for my sad story.

I guess the day was pretty normal outside of that. I submitted an early version of the ship and lore and a few seemed super impressed, so that was nice. Also, someone wrote and said they are having a tough time in life and find my sad story helpful, so that was nice to hear. It's been a pretty long time since I got such an email. I had a pretty good time in my game. So overall the day was ok.

So I continue to try to hang on t hope and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3735 - 9/22 - More sick, maybe fever

Today I am super extremely tired. I feel asleep for a few moments during the day. I feel a bit more sick, like I have a low fever. Mostly I'm just completely exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open.

I got a donation, so that was super nice. I did have a lot of sad feelings and thoughts though, mostly from being sick and the difficulty of recovery in addition to all of the regular sad things.

So I try to hang on to hope. I hope things get better. And I hope I continue to hang on.

Day 3736 - 9/23 - Biggest laundry

Today went quickly. It was the last day at the library for a bit. The last day of break. With that I feel renewed hope and yet also despair. Hope in that maybe there will be opportunity for change. Despair in that it means I have yet again missed an invisible window of change.

But I know that is not true. Each day is its own day. Its own set of possibilities. And no one day is more or less limited than any other based on what I do or do not have. Though it hasn't happened for me yet, there is so much change that happens due to external factors or opportunities. And so much happens because of interaction with others that my situation, my momentum, my activities, are not part of the equation and it's not the all of what makes change.

So as the day comes to a close doing the biggest laundry in preparation for school starting tomorrow, I try to stay positive. I try to hope for opportunity and change ahead. And hopefully I can hang on and make it to better days.

Day 3737 - 9/24 - Feels weird

Today felt weird. I was at school. It felt weird to be in my spot. I felt out of place. Yet I felt like there was no summer, as if I imagined it or dreamed it, and it feels normal to be in my spot. Yet at the same time it feels like I don't belong anymore, like I'm watching someone else's life.

I'm sort of helping for my profresser again. She asked for help for one class saying, 'You should definitely come in (pointing to the room). I could definitely use your help in editing.' But, when asked about the intro class, she said not for that. Which having stood near the room and hearing her say the same thing I've heard more than dozen times before, I think I'm ok with it. It's sad though because that is the class where people have a chance to get to know me and form a bond. The class she asked for help with I don't interact with them in the same way, nor am I ever-present enough during their creative process to form a bond.

So I really don't know how I feel about that. I still feel a sort of mix of happy to be in a position to be of help, but since it's not during a creative process, instead one more of formal execution, I feel more like a useful tool rather than a genuine helper who is appreciated by the person being helped.

Tomorrow will be strange and worrisome. The important class, which is the one I really want to take, I'm on a waitlist for. And it seems unlikely I'll get added. Which means, while I am still 'a student' I do not count as part-time, and theoretically can't put off financial aid. Now, if they don't challenge me or don't question my status, it's fine. But if they do, without that class, I'd be short and have no shield. It is too late to add another. But I won't know if that is or is not a thing until the afternoon.

I can tell my tummy is much happier with micro food. While not the best food, it is way better than lunch meat. I think it will help a lot towards getting better.

So all I can do for now is try to stay hopeful. Try to hang on. And hopefully tomorrow will be good.

Day 3738 - 9/25 - Hopeful

Today is just starting. I'm super congested, super hungry, and super tired. My cold or allergies are still beating me down. I feel overly warm, but it may be the floor cooling isn't working correctly.

I'm hopeful the afternoon class is fun and interesting. And I'm hopeful I can get into the important class after (or the Monday/Wednesday version of it if not). But so much of my day are not things I can control. So all I can do is hope and hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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