Week 537
Day 3753 - 10/10 - Cycle
Today was kind of meh. My follow-up appointment didn't really go anywhere. The doc still just shrugged and went 'meh' even though he said I probably have been cycling though low grade colds, and that is 'common for a chronic allergy sufferer'. He seems extremely hesitant to prescribe drugs to try and clear things. It also felt like he was pushing me away because they 'aren't a primary care facility'. I don't get how he doesn't understand how gas and more money to make an appointment somewhere else isn't a big deal to someone like me who doesn't have any 
.
I guess I did ok on a homework and helped a few in the intro class, so that is something I suppose.
I had a bit of time to play my games and watch shows, but it didn't feel like as much as I'd have liked. And tomorrow I'll barely have any as I basically have class all day.
I'm worried about bills too. We are half way through the month and the car insurance is rapidly coming up again and I have nothing for it. I have to hope more donations come soon.
So I try to hang on to hope. I try to hope help and donations come. I try to have fun when I can. And hopefully I'll make it to better days.
Day 3754 - 10/11 - Lost dinner
Today I was extra sad. The day started ok. I again lost an hour of sleep for seemingly no reason. But it was the first few hours at school that killed the day. I am still very sad in general lately, but in those first few hours I started sneezing almost non-stop. All the rest of the day I was sneezing and feeling like I had a cold. Even now in the late evening my nose is running non-stop.
Though that was not the most depressing part of my day. At the start of my second class the power on campus dropped. The professor still did a 45 minute lecture in the dark by phone light, but we were told by someone the power was not coming back up. I didn't mind leaving class two hours early, that was fine, but I lost my dinner because of it. It's fully defrosted by lunch, so there is no way it would keep overnight. Maybe in the dead of winter it could, but not now.
So that was not only a loss of half a day's food money, but it meant I couldn't replace it with another micro food. That was my last day on campus until Monday. So I was stuck with ready to eat food, and I'd have to wait until after I left the library.
By the time my time at the library was done and I was leaving for the evening I didn't really feel like eating. But I did get something, and I am trying to eat it now, so I at least had something for dinner.
I expect tomorrow will be a pretty regular Friday. I've been very extra sad tough lately, and my cold doesn't help at all. But I try to rest, and have what fun I can, and I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully help and donations will come until I can make it to better days.
Day 3755 - 10/12 - Snot-splosion
Today my cold is still going crazy. Yesterday and today there has been so much snot running out of my nose I've had to hold tissues to my nose to stop it from draining out everywhere. And when I blow my nose, it explodes out. There was even once it got all over my hands through the tissue. And another time where it kind of backlashed up and got into one eye. I feel pretty terrible and just want to stay in bed and have chicken soup, but that's not an option.
I still have extra sads because of recent loss. I've also been having a ton of death flashes. Nothing worrisome or that caused me to start crying, just little panic moments that cause hours of sadness after. So I still feel very much like I just want to be sad and alone. Though I am starting to miss the online people in the game, so I peeked in for just a bit. But I'd still rather be alone with my sads.
But I try to hang on. I try to be restful. I tried to have fun with my games. I tried to stay hopeful help and donations come. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.
Day 3756 - 10/13 - Head cold
Today I still feel pretty sick with what I guess is a head cold. I'm still incredibly sniffly, sneezy, and have so much congestion it's leaking out of me, or exploding when I blow my nose. Again I just wanted to spend the day resting in bed and eating soup to feel better.
I guess I did the most I could to get better though. I rested as much as I could. I played my games and watched a few shows. And I tried to recover as best as I could.
There were no donations. So I still grow more and more worried about that each day. And I still have panic attacks about death through the day. I tried to hang on to hope. And hopefully I can hang on until better days come.
Day 3757 - 10/14 - Impossibly plugged
Today my nose was plugged all day. I don't feel super terrible, but I couldn't breathe through my nose at all. I still had a touch of sneezing and a bit of runny congestion, but I am actually feeling better than I have lately except for that.
I guess it was an ok day. I played a bit more in my online game than I have been lately. I played my new game quite a bit. And I watched a couple of shows, as they are starting up for the season again.
I hope I get better soon. I'm very tired of being sick and having allergies go so crazy. It's extremely limiting on my otherwise already sad and depressed life. At least tomorrow it will be back to school as usual and I can go back to warm meals again. At least that will be something.
All I can do is try to distract myself from the sad things. Try to hang on to the happy things. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3758 - 10/15 - Our TA for the class
Today was both ok and not. It was ok in that the morning class I help for was ok. And I had an ok time doing an assignment for my digital photography lass, though the pictures turned out like crap for the most part because the directions heavily limited me, which makes me feel bad and sad about my performance in the class overall since I have to rent cameras that have garbage quality.
The later part of the day seemed hurtful, though I know it wasn't intentional. A former student has come by a few times (he's still at the school, just done with film classes) and the professor made a great deal of fanfare with hand gestures and a loud voice and announced he would be the TA for the class. I got no such fanfare, not even a mention that I was a TA. In fact, I think only about six in the whole class know I'm a TA for it. I'm not really hurt about not getting fanfare, though some official mention should have been done. In fact, its better to have multiple TAs for a class like that, as people have different creative styles. It's not getting any recognition or thanks that is hurtful. Though this fits her pattern. She doesn't seem to generally pay attention to me or my feelings. It just doesn't seem in her nature to do so. I think at this point she just assumes I will always be around. So unlike other students which are viewed in cycles, I'm viewed (by all professors) as the touchstone, the one who is static, who can always be counted on to be there. So I think a lot of the reason she doesn't announce me to classes anymore is because she's gotten so used to my being there she forgets I'm not familiar to the students.
Other than that the day was the same. Sadly there were no donations and no opportunities. So I tried to rest and recover from my cold. I tried to have fun how I could. And I try to hang on to hope until beter days.
Day 3759 - 10/16 - Maybe slightly better
Today I am feeling maybe slightly better. I slept through the night last night without being strangled to death by congestion. I think it's been more than a week since I last slept normally like that.
I am pretty warm and settled in, so hopefully I can rest and recover. It's starting to turn to winter, so I may need to start getting into full winter cloths soon.
It's a long school day so I'll be pretty busy. But I try to hang on to hope that donations and opportunity come. And hope that I can hang on financially and emotionally until then.
Week 538
Day 3760 - 10/17 - Upset tummy
Today, and even really starting last night, my tummy is pretty acidic. I slept pretty good last night except for three events. The first was around 1:30. I was sleepy, but for some reason was woken up by pretty serious coughing. The kind of cough where your tummy acid comes up your throat and burns things. I had a hard time getting back to sleep. After that I was woken up around 4 due to some really sad dreams. Nothing traumatic in terms of being kicked out or homeless, just odd bad. I was in a super high tech race and someone else cheated and basically cut my helmet that I was wearing with a laser edged sword, throwing me from the bike I was on and looking like I'd been hit through the forehead to halfway through my skull. I went flying backwards off the bike due to the impact. Needless to say I woke up. But in the dream I was ok, as the sword had just cut through the helmet and didn't actually get to my skull. And the third time I was woken up due to choking on snot. At probably around 5 my nose had become completely plugged again.
I still don't know if I'm getting better, which means I can't stop thinking about my general health and how that relates to death. I am almost constantly thinking of death again, when I'll die, how I'll die. Will it be a painful accident? Will it be something so fast I don't even know it happened? Will it be after I have gotten the remaining 40 years I should have? Or will it be 4 weeks? Will anyone miss me? Will I be remembered? If people do remember me, will my story be told beyond that, or will it stop at 'one step' from knowing me? I am extremely depressed, and only getting a boost of cash, or recovering from my cold, seems like it will help to get me out of this recent depression.
So I continue to hang on to hope that help and donations come. I continue to hope opportunity comes. I continue to hope I will indeed recover and have my proper chance to try and improve my health. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3761 - 10/18 - Lost understanding
Today I feel pretty sad and I'm still pretty sick. I feel a touch better emotionally from my cold, but am still sniffling and sneezing and tired.
Mostly things take a lot of focus these days as I've lost a lot of understanding. Like I saw people with pizza. My brain no longer thinks I could get a pizza and put it into bags to save to eat it over a few days. I no longer think how nice it would be to get a $3.50 single slice from the cafeteria. My brain has lost all of that. It thinks like a child would. There is a sadness that I do not have pizza, and can't recall the last fresh pizza I had, and what a special treat it is for them to get pizza. And I wonder what they did for the special reward, or who thinks they are special enough to deserve pizza.
I suppose my brain has felt that way a lot in recent years. That I can't have a thing, or I'm not deserving of a thing, and it forgets ways to have the thing. It just assumes it's something I can't have, I get sad, and there is where it stops.
I was thinking of personality shifting the other day. Changes in thought patterns, tradition, celebrations, what daily routine one does. And I thought if enough changed, it would be as if the person died. Who they were would cease to be. There core, their consciousness, would still continue, but the person they were would be gone. I had similar thoughts years ago, when I mourned the loss of me. I am still here though. Still a shadow, but trying to hang on.
It seems it's all I can do. Try to hang on to hope for opportunity for change. And try to continue to hope help and donations come in the meantime. And that I can hang on emotionally and physically long enough to make it through.
Day 3762 - 10/19 - Sick feeling still
Today I am still pretty sick feeling. My tummy feels a bit off. I'm congested, sneezing, and my nose is stuffed up. On the one hand I feel worse than I have lately. But on the other it's possible things are cycling back towards better. I guess I'll see in a few days if anything changes.
I guess the day was ok. Bandwidth at the library was ok enough, but not amazing. I played my game and watched some shows and had an ok time. I tried to rest and recover from this cold, but that is very difficult in public with little choice in what foods I can eat.
No donations, so I still obsessed and worried about bills and death. But I tried to let it go. I tried to have what fun I could. And I continue to hope help and donations come and I can make it to better days.
Day 3763 - 10/20 - Funny throat
Today was ok I suppose. It was a fairly normal day at the library, with bandwidth being ok until about 2 then going bad. But I played my games and watched some shows, including one new one which has one of my favorite actors.
My throat feels funny though. I'm still pretty sick and my throat is a combination of dry, congested, and what feels like raw. I guess that would be due to the cold. It feels like I should be sneezing and coughing, but I'm not. I am sneezing once or twice an hour and that's it.
I guess the important thing is I tried to do my best emotionally and I tried to hang on. Hopefully I can keep hanging on until better days.
Day 3764 - 10/21 - Best dream, worst dream
Today I felt on the verge of breaking down into tears all day. It started in the wee hours of this morning when I had two dreams.
The first was actually a really good dream. I am not sure on the why, but I was at a clubhouse of sorts. There were a couple of different groups meeting and I was checking them out to see if I wanted to hang out with either of them. At one point I sat down and a girl sat down and pressed herself behind me, very much like what besties do or people who are together. I leaned back into her a bit and thought 'oh? I didn't think she was interested.' I turned my head to look at her and half smiled. She smiled. We did the very subtle 'do you want to kiss' head movements and then started kissing. 
I was overwhelmed with passion and the feeling of someone caring about me again. The dream ended just a few minutes later.
The next dream was the worst. I again dreamt of getting re-established enough to rent a place. And as I sometimes do, I dreamt that place was my old apartment. They even had most of my stuff still there set up and waiting for me. I went into the bedroom and took some small stones out of my pocket and set them on the shelf. I felt the wood grain. I smelt the pine. I reached up to pet my stuffies. They were so very soft, and they were all there. I climbed up onto the bed. I felt the texture of the bed sheets, the softness of the mattress, and the hardness of the frame. I started crying in the dream because of how much I'd missed those things. And then I woke up, crying, and continued to cry for several minutes.
All day I've been pretty wrecked. The lingering feeling of what was passion and love was gone, and with it the 20 years of loss (as I was younger in the dream). Thinking and feeling I don't have that, and due to my age and sad life, I may not ever again. And more-so feeling like I would cry at any time in the day due to the reminder of what I've lost, both in home and all those years.
But I try to hang on. It's all I can do.
Day 3765 - 10/22 - Going to bed hungry
Today was a continuation of my recent sads. I was already still feeling sad about my Sunday morning dreams when I got a survey in the evening that made me even more sad. The survey was from school and didn't say what it was about. It did say I'd be entered into a drawing for $100 if I filled it out, so I did. It turns out it was a little bit about employment, mostly housing and homelessness, and food. Specifically questions about if I'd missed any meals lately, gone to bed hungry, or was getting enough to eat.
I was almost crying by the time I'd finished. I am hungry probably 1/3 of my days. And on days like today when I don't get enough to eat due to my budget I go to bed hungry. And it wasn't really that which made me sad. It was thinking about all the others who are hungry. That I'm not alone. And that I'm so used to being hungry that's just how it is. It's a part of me. Things like getting a hamburger or pizza are so far out of the realm of possible for me these days they are thought of as special treats. Last night after being sad all day I just wanted something simple to cheer me up; take-out Chinese food. But the $8 it would have cost is way too much for me to afford, which made me more sad.
Overall my life is still horribly sad. I don't always have enough food because I have to be careful. I barely have any gas. And we are about one week from a car insurance payment being due which I have exactly zero money for.
But all I can do is try to hang on and survive my sad times and hope that help comes in the meantime.
Day 3766 - 10/23 - Super sick feeling
Today I am super sick feeling again. I feel a bit warm, though my forehead feels ok. I'm super congested, sniffly, and sneezy, which means there is a ton of snot going down my throat to my tummy. I still hope all the gunk being loosened means I'm getting over this cold, but I can't really tell at all.
I got a micro pizza to maybe feel better (emotionally) later. I can't even remember when I last had a micro pizza. I think it's been over a year since I had real pizza.
But I try to hang on emotionally, physically, and financially. It seems it's all I can do. And hopefully help will come and I can make it through to better days.
