PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 571

Day 3991 - 6/5 - Weird bathroom guy

Today I noticed someone being super weird. I've noticed a guy for about a week, maybe two, has been going into the bathroom on my floor and staying for a really long time. Like hours. Today I tracked the time, and when I'd left he had been in that one stall in the bathroom for more than three solid hours. Now, like 30 minutes, maybe a bit more, and you might think they are doing something naughty. Odd, but not unheard of. But this guy was in there doing who knows what. Eventually I heard him watching videos and he'd pulled his pants up? But why? It makes no sense. There are only one or two classes on the entire floor at that time. And there are a half dozen padded benches that are very comfortable all over the hall floor. Why sit where people do nasty stinky business when you could be out on a comfy seat? Many right next to a power outlet. It made zero sense. I guess it's harmless, but I can't help but wonder if I should report it to campus security because it's kind of shady. That is nowhere near the realm of normal. And this is on a floor where people sometimes do super weird things like run around smeared in paint, or without pants on (for various video projects).

I guess the day was ok. It was a day 'off'. I checked job search results in the morning, but most of the day I spent playing games and watching a few shows. It was pretty relaxing I guess, as it was mostly a trouble free connection.

Tomorrow is TAing all day, but I think probably 50% or more of the time I'll be free to half pay attention and play my game while lecture is going on, so I should be able to have fun tomorrow too.

I'm still extremely tired feeling. I feel like I haven't slept in days. The unusually warm weather did keep me up a few hours last night, but I actually slept well, so it must still be overall exhaustion or an issue related to my bad blood pressure. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open much of the time. There were no donations today, so I am still extremely worried about overdue insurance and the upcoming registration. But all I can do is try to rest when I can, try to continue hoping help and donations come in time, and try to hang on until better days.

Day 3992 - 6/6 - Chilly

Today I was kind of chilly, which is odd because it seemed super warm and sunny. The classroom temperature showed 70-72F on it's gauge, so it should have been fine. Maybe I have a low level cold, which might explain the exhaustion and extreme hunger.

The school connection was garbage. Which is odd as it was strong, stable, and smooth up until 11:30 AM, at which point it was like someone flipped a switch and it basically stopped dead. From 11:30-4 I spent about 85% of the time trying to play. From 4 on it was better, but still stuck several times an hour causing me to lose probably 30-40% of my play time. Thankfully by 7 when my live show was starting it seemed clear again. I guess it was ok though, as I completed about everything I wanted by the time it started going bad in the morning. What I did after was almost all extra, but it would have been a lot nicer to not have been locking up.

I guess overall the day was ok, and I hung on and made it through. I got a few super nice in-game items from my in-game friend who sends donations, so that put it me in an extra good mood. So I try to remain hopeful help and donations come to pay the bills in time. And hopefully I can hang on until then.

Day 3993 - 6/7 - Special thing

Today I did the special thing I've been trying to do in my MMO. It was really a first step though. To get the stuff I want I'd need to probably do it another 8-10 times at a minimum if I got at least one piece of gear I can per run, which is unlikely. So I again wonder if I reaaaly want that gear since it's really a cycle. To do raids you need raid gear, but if you won't be raiding (which my sad life basically prevents) then you don't need the gear because you won't be raiding. There is sooooo much to do I might just stick to the easier and more fun and accessible things. Probably tomorrow and Saturday I won't have a lot of choice, as the extremely low bandwidth at the library will limit what I can do.

It's supposed to be super hot Sunday and Monday, up to 90F, yet today it was chillier than it's been in a week. I took off my shorts, as I knew the library would be like a fridge from noon on, but in the evening when I was leaving I was chilly, and the sky was pretty gray most of the day. So I wonder if the weather prediction was wrong.

I guess the next few days are what they are. I can control extremely little. But I try to have fun with my game and my shows. And I try to hang on and hope donations come in time to pay the bills. And I try to hang on to hope in the meantime.

Day 3994 - 6/8 - Shower with towels

Today started differently. My towels were all pretty bad, so I took the three smaller ones into the shower with me to rinse them out, then drop them in the dryer with several dryer sheets. It... sort of helped. They don't smell intolerable anymore, though they most certainly don't smell clean. They will probably work for a few showers each until they go bad, so that may last through the rest of the school quarter. After that I will be in the library for the summer and my smell won't quite be as important because people won't be close enough, nor around me enough, to really notice. My cloths will be three months dirty then and though most outer cloths are ok underwear and socks will be extremely bad at that point.

The library connection was fine until about 1:30, at which point it's like someone flipped a switch and I couldn't stay connected to my game for more than 10 minutes. By about 3 I was lucky to be connected for 4 out of every 5 minutes regardless of what I was doing. I spent probably 2.5 hours at the end of the day trying to watch a 1 hour show.

But I guess I survived. I had ok food. I did critical gaming for my day. And I did eventually get through the shows I wanted to watch. I am still disappointed at immediately being hit by a warm wall of air leaving the library, as it was freezing cold inside. But the day passed. Things were ok. And I continue to hope help and donations come in time to pay the bills and try to hang on in the meantime.

Day 3995 - 6/9 - Mumbling lady, part 2

Today the mumbling lady sat next to me again. For about five hours there was constant running dialogue of what she was thinking and doing, hummms, big sighs, and extremely nasty nose snorting. I get it, she probably has a disability or something, but her thing triggers my thing. Thankfully I could just stare at my screen and not see her, and my game was loud enough to mostly drown her out.

The connection was terrible. It was so bad it was disconnecting completely at points. I was trying to watch a video stream from about 2 on and it couldn't connect to it at all. The odd thing was when I tried to connect on my tablet it worked with almost no issues at all. I hope that it's just a difference with the mobile client, or mobile connection, and not an indication that my wireless card is going bad on my laptop. I wish there was an easy way to verify that. Though I couldnt afford a new one if it were. (Though it had no issues there on Friday, and was only bad sometimes, so if it were going bad it would be an all the time thing regardless where I was.)

I guess the day wasn't terrible. I expected freezing cold inside, and a terrible connection, so I guess the day was what I expected.

I'm still so very exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. I've been sneezing and congested today too, so maybe I do have a cold. But I try to hope help and donations come. And I try to hang on until better days.

Day 3996 - 6/10 - Super hot

Today it was super hot. I guess the weather app was right. It was, in fact, so hot that even in the evening when the sun was going down it was still super hot, but hot in a weird way. I don't quite know how to describe it because I've never experienced it before. I guess it's maybe a humidity thing, but the air felt thick, and seemed a bit difficult to breathe.

Today went super fast. I guess because most of the day I was running upcoming game presentations from a show in the background while I played. But after a check of job searches in the morning I spent most of the rest of the day playing my MMO. I guess it was a better day. I honestly only remember a few bits and pieces. I'm still exhausted, sneezy, and extra hungry.

But I made it through the day. Hopefully I sleep ok tonight, as I lost several hours last night due to the heat. And hopefully help and donations come to pay the overdue car insurance, and registration due in just a hair over a month from now. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 3997 - 6/11 - Hot already

Today is just starting and it's hot already. I guess it never really cooled off last night. If this heat continues I will have to consider parking in a covered spot across campus because things in my car for showering and extra foods are at risk of being killed in this extreme heat.

I will probably just play during my class I TA today, as I expect they will just be going over something and then doing a lecture for most, or all, of the rest of class. No donations or help this week, so I'm still very worried about bills. But I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Week 572

Day 3998 - 6/12 - Pink poof explosion

Today was a lot cooler than yesterday. It was pretty hot early and mid-day, but by the afternoon there was a breeze, so the evening was a lot cooler. I parked under the part of the parking lot with solar panels, which is one row further away from the building, so that probably provided reasonable shade most of the day. I guess I'll do that for as long as it remains hot. I guess it may be a touch too late though, at least for my shaving cream. Yesterday when I got stuff in the trunk as I was leaving I noticed a shaving cream smell everywhere in the car. It seems it popped in the heat and there was about a 5" half sphere of exploded pink foof from one corner and side. I'll check when I shower tomorrow, but I expect that means it's lost all of its pressure and won't work. I probably don't use much more than one can in an entire year. I'll just get a new one when it starts being cool again in probably August.

I am again extremely tired today. I did watch more game show footage and played my game a lot, so overall the day was pretty fast and relaxing.

Tomorrow is a big TAing day, so I don't know how much playing I can do. I expect it will be all lecture, so it will be a question of how well the connection is working. I guess I'll see what tomorrow is like tomorrow.

But hopefully I'll get some good sleep tonight and not feel so tired. Hopefully help and donations come to pay the car bills in time. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 3999 - 6/13 - Ok without it

Today I spent about four hours playing the shooter MMO I talked about quite a bit when I was disappointed / let down by the one I pre-ordered for my birthday. They are doing a free weekend, so everyone can try it. While I probably would enjoy playing, I'm ok with not having it. I was ok with shooting regular people and them dying in realistic ways. (It didn't trigger any sad things or panic in the time I played.) But I just didn't find it super interesting compared to non-real world games (sci-fi or fantasy). The strategies were interesting in that I had to watch for flanks, move my position, get guys behind cover, watch out for this or that ability, but overall it just doesn't seem as interesting or exciting as something that isn't based on a modern real world. As such, if I were to suddenly have money to buy something, there are other things I'd rather have first.

There is the school student film show tomorrow. But the more I think about it, the less I want to go. Of the dozen things in the show I only know two of them. And really no one has talked to me at the show for years. And never in the, like, six years I've gone has anyone ever thanked or acknowledge me, despite helping in an average 2-3 classes every quarter. Plus there is 30-45 minutes of pre-show stuff thanking this or that faculty or person, giving out awards for this or that (again none ever for my contributions), so none of that interests me. So, I think I'm fine with passing on that.

Today was pretty good. I played my MMO, got a preview of the MMO shooter, and spent most of the day playing and relaxing. I think of the possible 12 hours I could have TAed or been helping students I think I only spent about 2.75 hours doing that. The rest I got to play or watch shows.

It wasn't as hot today. Things seem to be cooling down a lot. Though the shaving cream is definitely dead. There was zero compression and no shaving cream came out even when I turned it upsideown for gravity to pull it out. I'll get a new one in a few months. I use so little it will be fine.

But outside of worrying about the bills, today was ok, maybe even a better day. So I try to continue to hope help and donations come, and I can make it until they do.

Day 4000 - 6/14 - Hotter on the inside

Today it was hotter on the inside of the library than it was outside, by a huge margin. At around 11 I noticed what I can only describe as a burnt orange smell. I would guess it was the AC dying as the library got progressively hotter as the day went on. I went downstairs in the early afternoon and I could feel what was probably a 10 degree difference between the top floor (where I hang out) and downstairs (where there are doors to the outside, so lots of outside airflow). It wasn't ever really uncomfortable to me, but I did take off my outer shirt and I will go ahead and put shorts on for the rest of the weekend there. (I expect it won't get fixed until next week sometime.)

I guess it was a pretty good day. I did what I wanted in my MMO and a little more. Though the bandwidth did start to go bad in the early afternoon, limiting my options of what I could do. From the early evening on I just stayed out of my game and watched part of a show and some game footage from the show that happened earlier in the week.

But, as always, I wish I weren't homeless and I wish my life wasn't so sad. But I try to continue to hope help and donations come so I can pay for things in time. And hopefully I can hang on until it does. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4001 - 6/15 - Chilly, but better

Today the AC was broken in the morning again. I had to roll up my pant legs like shorts and take off my outer shirt. I'd decided against shorts because overall the world was cooler, and if the library did fix the AC it would be a fridge in there. It was probably a good call because just after noon I felt some movement of cooler air. It was indeed fixed. It took an hour to cool things down, at which point I put my pants back to normal, and another hour later to get chilly and I put on my outer shirt.

Mostly I played my MMO. It was pretty quiet in-game as the guild I'm in is very quiet and they don't talk much. The connection started dropping me in the afternoon, so I decided to spend a few hours with the MMO shooter that's doing the free weekend. Again the real world nature doesn't thrill me, but I had a fun time and I can see why people would be into it. Tactically it's very interesting. The bad guys are moderatly smart in how they move, flank, what kind of effects are going on (fire, staggered, blind, stunned, etc.) and I also wonder if this or that weapon loadout would be better for this or that particular encounter. (I don't do those things in the other two shooters I have.) However, coming in this late is a big deal, as the game is level based. In the like six or so hours played so far I think I've only seen two other players even close to my level. Everyone is likely max level, and for an MMO it's never ideal to have all of the population in one level range. I probably would enjoy playing if I had spare money, but again if I did come into money or a gift, there is another game I'd be interested in getting. (And that one is single player or three player co-op with friends/random people. So that is much better for me who is a solo player or otherwise might not have a connection.)

I guess overall the day was ok though. The connection was good enough. I had fun. I watched a lot of stuff. I wanted the background noise while playing so I didn't feel so lonely, but I don't really remember the things that were in the background. It's ok though, as they were just background noise things I didn't care much about. I still am very worried about the bills, but all I can do is hang on and hope help and donations come. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 4002 - 6/16 - Weird feeling tongue

Today my tongue feels a bit weird. I had some fruit, which I've gotten probably two out of the last three weekends, and there were some pineapple, which is normal. This time it seems to have done something to my tongue I don't remember happening before. It was like it made my taste buds... shrink? It felt like there was more space between them and they were more sensitive. Particularly on the tip, sides, and in the middle in the back. The effect was particularly noticeable when I ate some salted chips. It wasn't bad or a negative experience. It just definitely felt different.

My dad replied to my dad's day card I sent a few days ago. So that confirms he's still alive. After not replying on bunny day, or a check-in I did after, I was beginning to wonder. He'll be pushing 80 in September, so if he meets his dad's age he's got just about seven years left, a time that could pretty easily be cut short.

I played my normal MM most of the day. Bandwidth was going bad around 2 so I stopped then. In the morning before the library time, and for about an hour before I left, I played the MMO shooter a bit more. I'm getting more equipment and weapons and things and it's starting to get pretty interesting. The weekend is about over though. It will close out at 10 AM tomorrow, so at most I'd have about an hour more in the morning. It's fine. About two hours every now and then is probably all I could handle. According to the tracker I've played 9 hours (since starting Thursday) and I'm starting to feel uneasy about the death and injury. While super fun, even if I got it to play forever I'd probably have to limit playtime to a few hours every few days.

I guess overall today was pretty good. I felt stinky, which is sad. Food was good, but could have been better. I certainly would have liked to not be blasted by AC all day. But I did get to play. I did get to watch some shows. I did get to eat something. And tough I'm still very worried about the car bills, I continue to hang on.

Day 4003 - 6/17 - Goodbye, special agent Brody

Today I am a bit sad. I settled in to my spot at school after my shower at not quite 8:45. I thought, 'oh good. I still have about an hour to play the MMO shooter.' But I guess the time converter I used was incorrect. When I started the game I was greeted with an 'input your game code to continue' window. So I had to say goodbye to my character who I was calling 'special agent Brody'. (You don't actually name characters. It just goes by your account name. So that's what I was calling him based on his chiseled jaw, slightly frazzled hair, and board shorts. He looked like a Brody.)

I don't know if, or when, I'll get to play more. Which is disappointing as I was just starting to get into thinking about loadouts and starting to pay attention to set gear.

The rest of the day I was depressed that my life is in such a bad spot that I'm not only unable to pay the car bills, but when a fun game comes along odds are I can't get it, as I have to save up my gift money all year just to get a couple of games.

I'm exhausted today, and pretty sneezy. I'm a bit hungrier than normal too, so I probably have a cold. I was super worried about car bills, but that's nothing new. I guess the day wasn't all bad despite job searches being an all time low for results. I had enough food. The connection was good enough to do basic things in my game. And nothing bad happened. And some days that has to be enough.

Day 4004 - 6/18 - A day

Today feels like it will be just a day. Mostly depressed, sad, and worried, but nothing special or noteworthy. It's warmer, going back towards hot, and I'm settled in school trying to cool off, waiting for the class I TA.

My mind worries about the car bills. I worry about what if the laptop dies. What if I suffer a big permanent injury or illness? What if I'm ok, but nothing ever changes and I don't recover from my homeless times?

I try to hang on to hope that help, donations, and opportunity come in time. And I try to hang on until they do. It seems that's all I can do these days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher