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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 559

Day 3907 - 3/13 - Just trying to play

Today I took the day off, so to speak, to just try and play. Lately I've been feeling extremely stressed, exhausted, and even had trouble breathing. So since one project is something I'll work on next week, and the other I can do on the weekend, I tried my best to relax and play my games and watch a few shows. I also got a big donation so that will be super helpful in reducing some stress.

But I hope things continue to get better. I hope I can get extra rest and recover from my stress and this cold, if it is a cold. And hopefully I'll make it through to better days.

Day 3908 - 3/14 - The smallest crack

Today I notice the smallest missing bit on the edge of one of my contacts. It doesn't bother me at all, but it is a reminder things are way beyond their intended age and could die at any moment. Being my last pair this is terrible news. I do have two older emergency pair, but those were at points of causing me pain, and when these go all the contacts will be painful, or completely unusable. I guess I should try and find someone who will take my insurance. Maybe then I could sign up somewhere and get a free trial pair. Last time I reached out to half a dozen local eye doctors no one replied, or they said they wouldn't take my insurace. And I can't do it without insurance, as the exam is like $250-350. Even the $200-300 for a year of contacts is beyond reach. (Though it feels like my last year of contacts I had lasted me two or more years.)

I guess the day wasn't completely terrible. I have had trouble breathing lately. I feel like my allergies are clogging up my lungs. I keep forgetting to take meds to see if they help. It is probably just bad blood pressure though, as my heart feels like it is about to break all the time. Though with all of my loss lately it basically is.

I also feel very fat and unhealthy in general. I'd be surprised if I were really fatter (over my recent average of 190-200 lbs), and I would like to get in better shape, but there is no way I could even try physically when I am so bad emotionally.

But I survived the day. And sometimes that has to be enough. So for the moment I try to hang on to what little is left. And I try to hang on to hope that more help will come, and I can make it to better days.

Day 3909 - 3/15 - The hair dilemma

Today I am very extremely tired. My heart still feels bad and my tummy feels icky. And it still feels like I'm having a bad allergy attack most of the time. I must be sick because my system is too down to not be.

I shaved the sides of my head like I used to with the mohawk. It feels better than completely bald. It isn't bothered. It doesn't feel like I have a helmet crushing my head. Yet oddly I don't feel my hair. It looks... kind of bad. The tiny hairs on top don't look good, especially since they are balding on top. And I'm sure the back triangle where it is regular just looks confusing. I really don't know if I should shave it completely or I should just electric razor shave it set to zero so it's like 1/8th of an inch big. I'll likely have to become hat guy either way because neither really looks good. And, though it wasn't a lot of warmth, without the mohawk area my head is a fair bit colder.

I went to school so I could easily play or watch shows and I just felt out of place all day. A few of the animation students looked at me weird or said hi in acknowledgement that I'm always hanging out there. I know they didn't mean any offense, but it just made me feel sad, like an outsider, and just served as a reminder I don't have a better place to be.

But I survived the day. There were no donations or opportunities, but sometimes surviving and feeling mostly ok has to be enough. Hopefully I can get enough good rest tonight. Hopefully I can have a calm and relaxing tomorrow. And hopefully I can hang on until forever better days.

Day 3910 - 3/16 - Interrupted

Today my day seemed interrupted. Almost immediately the library bandwidth started to go bad and I had to stop (or be frustrated and rubber banding so much I'd get motion sick).

A bit later I tried to do my homework I need to do. I did about a third of it, but then I couldn't do a function becuase the program seemed to not talk to my mouse correctly, and the supposed control pannel that the instructions say are there to change it doesn't seem to exist. So I stopped.

The day seemed to go by incredibly quickly as well. In the blink of an eye the day was gone. With all the interruptions and difficulties it seemed like I was repeatedly reminded of my limitations due to my sad homeless life.

But I guess nothing really bad happened. And I survived another day. And in recent times that seems like it has to be enough. So I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully help and opportunity come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3911 - 3/17 - Maybe warming

Today is finally maybe warming a bit. Tomorrow I will not wear, but still take, my under layers. It will be the first time without my leg underpants or undershirt tank top in I don't even know how long. I think it has to be like all the way back to September. Which I guess makes sense as it's pretty much a six month cycle with only about one or two getting warm enough to consider shorts.

I guess there really isn't news for the day. Bandwidth was still pretty bad at the library. I only played a bit, then found a workaround for the issue I had with the program and did a bit of work on the project. I guess I was wrong and it's not due Monday, but due the Monday after. So I should have plenty of time to just leave it again until next weekend when I have no bandwidth. I'm really not motivated to do an amazing job on it. I'll just do 'good enough' and spend the rest of the time trying to relax and stay away from overly stressing over my life.

But again I survived a day, and with that I will hopefully have more chances for all the things again tomorrow. Hopefully I can hang on to what little is left, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3912 - 3/18 - Warm, but threatening rain

Today is nice and warm for the first time in forever. In the morning after I'd been walking around in the parking lot for a bit I was warm, so I took off my outer shirt and just had on my T-shirt. I stayed that way for a few hours until I started to cool down.

Supposedly the rain is on its way back by the end of the week, so I guess we'll see if it stays warm and for how long.

I am extremely tired today. For some reason, probably stress, I barely got any sleep last night. I'd be lucky if I got even just 5 hours of sleep.

As with most days lately, I survived, and it seems it was all I could do. But I try to hang on. I try to stay hopeful help and opportunity will come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3913 - 3/19 - Hot head

Today I am very wheezy and sneezy. Again last night I barely slept 5 hours when I could have slept more. I must have a cold keeping me up (along with stress) because my head, neck, and shoulders all feel pretty warm.

I should be able to rest and recover most of the day though. I have a bit of a project to do in class, but then the rest of the day is basically free. So I will try to be restful and recover from whatever that is that is beating me down.

I continue to try to hang on to what little is left, but it is very hard to ignore the bills rapidly approaching. I hope help and opportunity come, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Week 560

Day 3914 - 3/20 - Caked in yellow

Today part of the campus floor was caked in yellow. It poured rain last night and had mild rain this morning, so I'd guess the yellow was from something that dropped from the trees. It always seems to happen.

I guess today was ok, though I was very sad seeing and smelling foods I couldn't have. I can't remember how long it's been since I could afford fresh cooked food that was fancier that I wanted. I can't even remember when I had a freshly cooked pizza slice from the cafeteria.

I guess it was an ok day though. I'm still sick with a bit of wheezing and a ton of sneezing, but I was warm enough and restful playing games and watching shows. But there were no donations and no opportunities, so I try to hang on. I try to stay hopeful more help will come, and I can hang on to what little is left, and that I can make it to better days.

Day 3915 - 3/21 - Allergic to the world

Today I realized that yellow pollen, or whatever it is on the ground at school, is likely something I'm allergic to. It's probably everywhere in the air right now, and probably the reason I've been wheezing the past few weeks. I'm trying to remember to take the allergy pills I have, but I don't know if they are helping at all.

Today I finished an important project, and the art I used made the professor laugh a lot, so that was fun. I still have the other class to do one for on the weekend, but it should be ok.

There were no donations, but someone posted a worried note asking if I was ok, so that makes me feel cared for. But I hope help and opportunity come, and try to hang on to what little is left, emotionally and physically, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3916 - 3/22 - Regular rainy

Today was a regular day, if a bit rainy. I played a bit, but I watched a lot of news and reviews of a game I'd like to get. Sadly it's not for sale at the online store I have gift card money at, so I don't know if or when I would actually be able to get it. Maybe it's for the best, as it's a modern day 'looter shooter' and I'd have issues with all the regular people death. It is pretty video game-y though, so maybe after a bit I'd get used to it.

There really wasn't anything unusual about today other than it was the last regular day before finals week. I guess you could maybe say I was also a bit different because it rained a few times during the day, but that isn't super unusual these days.

There were no donations or opportunities. So I tried to play and watch shows and have fun and relax, and be grateful for what I have left. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 3917 - 3/23 - Left that group

Today someone made a post on a social group page and someone made rude racist comments. I blocked that person, then made a post saying that of the three people blocked on the social page two of them came from that group, and could people try and be better. The post was flooded with attacks and insults, so within about five minutes of posting I decided I was done with that group.

I suppose it's similar to why I don't join guilds in games. People usually feel protected by relative anonymity, or simply don't pause to consider other people's feelings or perspectives when posting/responding. I really do wish people were better. Places, especially online areas based on a hobby should be open, welcoming, inviting, and considerate to each other's diversity, and absolutely not make closed-minded or racist comments.

What is really sad about it is I can still view the page. About a half an hour after my post the post had been removed. No similar thoughts were posted by admins, no apology for my being attacked, just removed as if it were never there. And I feel sorry for those remaining in the group who will be attacked in similar ways in the future.

Overall the day was sad. My bandwidth was completely gone about 1.5 hours after the library opened. I had barely played until that point. I limped along through a show during lunch, then decided to work on the dumb homework I am not liking. I'm at more than six hours into it and I wouldn't be surprised if it needed a minimum of three more to get done. I think the professor is vastly underestimating the skill required because she finds it easy to do. I am certainly not great at it, but I'm also likely quite a bit above average. I'd bet most simply won't finish it. So between those two things today didn't feel good. At least the project, done or not, will be turned in Monday and over with. Then basically the quarter is over at that point. I have a quick sharing thing during Tuesday morning's class, but after that I'll be free to play and watch shows (bandwidth permitting). Then I'll be off until at least the 8th, assuming I can get money to sign up for classes next quarter. If not I'd just be doing TA help.

But I try to hang on to what little is left. I know I am a good and kind person and try to help and treat those well who I can. And hopefully I can make it through to better days.

Day 3918 - 3/24 - Flaky contact

Today one of my contacts has been pretty flakey. It's the one that did not have the tiny tear, so I'm not sure why it's unstable other than general age. The clock is rapidly running out for me to find more, and I have no idea how I could afford them even if I can find a local place to get a prescription. I can't even clearly remember days when I always had a fresh pair and always carried an extra pair just in case. It is one of those distant faded memories that I know what I did, but I have no clear memories of it. Yet another piece of normal life lost long ago.

I did some more work on the stupid homework. It's up to 10 hours now and it probably really needs at least another two to finish what I should be doing. I don't know if I even care to try to 100% it at this point because I know it will add a bunch of hours to really clean it up. The big thing is I'm not learning anything. I'm just doing repetitive tasks over and over.

I guess today wasn't terrible even though I only had bandwidth to barely play an hour. I needed to spend most of my time on the dumb project anyways, so maybe it was for the best. But with so many hours lost to my homeless life the day feels very sad, as do all weekend days, and I again feel like today is just reminding me of normal life things I am missing and have long forgotten.

Day 3919 - 3/25 - Unexpected boost

Today I got an unexpected boost. I saw a friend person I see every once in a great while and she helped me out with some monies. It's not a lot, maybe about three weeks of gas, but if I add it to what I have still saved from the last help I maaayyybe have enough to pay one very important bill. I'll have to double check what I have in the morning and how much exactly the bill is.

Other than that the day wasn't terrible. But it also wasn't the best. The connection wasn't great for some reason, and I disconnected from my game a few times when I otherwise shouldn't have. But, I suppose, my Monday class is over and that project I wasn't enjoying is done and the program it required is removed from my system.

So today I try and focus on what is left. I try to hang on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3920 - 3/26 - Unpredictable day

Today has suddenly become unpredictable. The power is out on campus, and while they expect it to be up again, it is apparently out in a several mile wide area in the city. I don't know if I could even stay at the library if I went. Plus, if it remains down all day I may lose the two micro meals I got. I hope it comes back up soon, but being a city issue it may not recover quickly.

So for the moment I try to stay calm and try not to worry. But my day is disrupted and any disruption can be stressful and chaotic. It does seem with all things in my life all I can do is try to hang on and hopefully things will be ok.

(Edit: The power came on just a few minutes after writing. Though I won't trust it's stable until the sirens stop screaming and the generators stop running at max (they only turn on if they detect abnormal power flow). But hopefully things will remain on and my day will go back to homeless normal soon.)

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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