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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.


Week 543

Day 3795 - 11/21 - Crying over my sacrifice

Today is better in adultness, but overall more sad. Last night my friend who often gives me movie tickets for gifts visited class. She passed me some money to help. It was a decent amount, and because it was close to paying the overdue car insurance payment I decided to sacrifice more of my reserved birthday gift money to make that payment. When I was taking it out of the hidden envelope in storage I started crying. Not so much because I may not be able to replace the money in the 2.5 months it will be needed, but because this is how sad my life is; that I must rob myself to pay for needed things which are everyday costs. Costs I shouldn't have any problems with. Costs that I should just be able to go, 'psh $350 a year *boop* done in one payment'. Yet I am having difficulty with just the $40 each month. My life is so bad at the moment that I am struggling for even just $8 for gas a week, and $5 for laundry every other week.

When I settled in to school in the morning there was a decent sized donation. I would have loved to have taken most of it to re-secure my birthday gift, but again it is too needed for other things. In the afternoon I signed up for next quarter's classes, securing the units to keep financial aid off my back. But it will take every single penny my account has to pay that off. Again, a thing that should just be like, 'oh, $50, no biggie *boop* paid without worry.' But that isn't my life. My life is a great struggle with everything that involves money.

So today adulting was very sad. But things, for the moment, are secure. Once we hit December 1st I'll again be behind on car insurance. Once we get to January I'll need $15 for the parking sticker for school. Let alone being two months into dirty laundry already and everything is starting to stink pretty noticeably (to me.) Which makes me feel horrible and disgusting, even when I'm freshly showered.

Who knows, maybe the place will respond who I asked about laundry money and I'll be able to get that in addition to my food help. But I try to hang on. I try to hope more help and donations come. And hopefully I can hang on enough to make it to better days.

Day 3796 - 11/22 - Another homeless holiday

Today was yet another homeless turkey day. I guess it wasn't completely terrible. I had enough food. I have a half pie I can eat for several days. While there were portions of the day I was disconnected for extended periods of time, most of the day I was connected, bandwidth was low, but enough, so I played a bit and watched some shows. And I suppose overall it wasn't as bad as past turkey days, so there is that.

For the moment my car insurance is paid. Tomorrow I'll pay for classes. But I'm still behind on many things. And of course there are even big things like the laptop and car maintenance that are nowhere near being paid. So I still worry. I'm still sad my life is nowhere even near baseline average. But days like today I can say I made it through ok, and that has to be enough.

So I try to hang on and hope more help and opportunity come. And hopefully I can make it to better days ahead.

Day 3797 - 11/23 - Smelt like gym feet

Today was tolerable. In the morning and afternoon I had bandwidth to do what I wanted. In the later afternoon to early evening it was okish, but unstable in that games couldn't stay connected. So I just watched a few shows. I guess with the short week that threw me off and I kind of lost my regular routine.

I had rinsed myself off with a towel last night and set it out in my car to dry today, as I often do. But I guess because it had been raining all day and I kept the car windows closed (in addition to the cold weather) it didn't really dry out. It smelt really horrible in the car in the evening when I went back to it after leaving the food store. I have enough towels to last a long time (if they are all washed), but in order to do so each one gets used for a week or two. This one smelt super bad after not really drying during the day.

I guess I will be forced to do at least a critical wash this weekend. Too often I'm getting subtle whiffs of my slinkiness. I have the cash in my wallet to do so, but with robbing myself of half my reserved birthday gift money now, and losing more due to classes being more expensive than I expected (normally $48 but it was closer to 55), I'm taking more and more hits to cash that is really needed for other things. While being clean has almost the highest priority, it's also up there with gas as a thing that's needed every day that is constant and on-going. Those feel the worst to pay.

But I guess I survived another bad holiday time while put out of my normal places. Tomorrow the library will be open, so I can at least be there and hopefully have a normal weekend. And I try to hold on to hope that help will come and I can hang on until better days.

Day 3798 - 11/24 - Clean at last

Today I spent probably too much getting the critical items washed. It's great to have enough clean clothes for a while again, but thinking about the car insurance payment and even just basic gas cost each month, compared to donations and help... I don't know how I'll make it through.

So today I am sad overall. Bandwidth was ok, still very bad just past noon, but about average for the library on a weekend. But I was worried all day about money, specifically the complete absence of it. Donations help greatly but they are very few and far between.

But I try and hold on to hope. I try to stay positive and hope more help comes soon. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3799 - 11/25 - Locked back

Today I was extremely depressed and stressed all day. My back was basically locked up from stress for a few hours. I could barely move. Which, I guess, was ok for the time it happened, as I was settled in at the library and didn't need to move.

If it weren't for my extreme depression over money worries I guess today would have been an otherwise ok day. I played my games the amount I wanted and hoped to, and I watched a stream of a show that happened Friday that I was unable to watch because of the library being closed.

There was one thing that struck me as very odd. A couple moved in to the seats next to me. Older, probably in their 40s. A bit later someone came by; I'd guess a sister of one of them, maybe a touch younger in her mid to late 30s. She handed the woman a $100 bill with some type of coupon or ad for Black Friday. I got the gist this was some kind of turkey day gift. But what was weird was how the lady and the husband reacted to it. She had this look on her face that I took to be, 'what am I supposed to do with this? I/we have everything we need.' She turned to her husband. He said something and shrugged, looking at it with just as a blank stare. She tried to give it back to the theoretical sister and she was waving her hands and like, 'no, keep it.'

It's probably been close to thirty years since I've been in a ok position in life and had 'enough' money that cash gifts wouldn't be useful for something needed or fun. I can't even conceive of that kind of life today. All I could think about was how different of a world I live in where today I am so stressed out over needing $80 a month to pay for critical monthly bills, and this lady is in such a good position she's basically blowing off $100 given as a gift as if it were a pet rock. It's mind boggling there is such a big difference. That certainly didn't help my stress level, but all I could do was acknowledge that's simply not my life.

So I try to hang on to hope. I try to stay hopeful enough help and Xmas gift money comes that, at least by late December, I can get caught up and pay for the December needs. But I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully someday I'll be ok again.

Day 3800 - 11/26 - Floppy arm

Today my arm felt very weird. It felt like I dislocated it while I was sleeping last night and it was weak and floppy almost all day.

I got an appointment thing for my benefits check in a little over a week. Every time I get one of those I feel like they are going to refuse me and I won't be able to eat. I'm extra worried this time because they changed some things for 2019 and on, saying I'd fall into this new category which would disqualify me. I hope that's a mistake. It didn't seem like it took into account that I'm homeless and in school part-time, which under both conditions I think I'm cleared for that disqualification. Well... I guess that's just another thing I can't control and just have to let go and hope for the best.

All I can do is hope opportunity comes. Hope help and donations come in the mean time. And hope I can hang on until better days.

Day 3801 - 11/27 - Feeling very sad

Today I am feeling very sad. There are classes, so hopefully later I will be distracted and feeling better.

But right now I feel very sad. I feel very alone in my struggles, incapable, unwanted, lost, and helpless. Everything feels outside of my control. All I can do is hope help comes, and that I can hang on until it does.

Week 544

Day 3802 - 11/28 - More sacrifice

Last night I had to sacrifice more of my reserved birthday money. It's getting very low and almost gone. My only real chance at recovery seems like it will be Xmas gift money, if I actually get cash money to replace it with.

Today I got a promise of a bit of help though, so with that I can get a week's worth of gas and put a tiny bit back into my birthday gift money. That will put me at about 40% of what I need to have.

I suppose today was basically ok. It was essentially a day off. The class I TA for had a shoot all class, so I checked in with a group a couple of times very quickly and that was it. Basically I played my games all day and tried to relax. Though with how short on money I am, and my birthday gift money slowly being lost, things seem more bleak than ever.

But I try to stay hopeful for the future. I try to stay hopeful that help and opportunity come. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 3803 - 11/29 - Rare visit

Today was ok. I had a bit of time to play my game before and after classes. I felt vey super tired during the day. I didn't know if it was lack of sleep, or due to the change in weather to rain, or what.

In the evening I visited my ex-roomie. I got to do three laundry loads, which got what was missed when I did it a week ago, and all the important extra things, which were all my towels and a bed cover.

We talked about many things and I visited her kitties, though the kitties didn't really care about me and just did their regular lazing about.

I did get the proposed monies, so for the moment a tiny bit is able to go back into my pre-ordered birthday gift money. It's still only about 40% of what's needed, but anything back in is a step towards re-securing it.

I guess today was pretty good, but there is still much I'd preferred to go in a more normal fashion. Though my homeless life feels a day past, I know it has only been a few hours, and as the cold rapidly settles around me I'm sure I will feel as homeless as ever before I fall asleep. But hopefully I can hang on to hope. Hopefully help and opportunity will come, and I can make it to forever better days.

Day 3804 - 11/30 - Fast day

Today was a fast day. It kind of flew by in a blur. Nothing bad happened, but nothing special or good happened. I did maybe get an invite to a game test weekend next weekend, we'll see. I did get a very large paid survey offer, so hopefully hopefully hopefully they will call me and I can do that. Sadly they've not called me in, well, years, but in the past few months I've missed about four other ones.

All I remember about the day was regretting my choice of lunch meat, as it upset my tummy. And I played most of the day. I did watch two shows, but really the only surprising thing was the connection was very solid all day, a rare occurrence these days.

But I made it through the day. I survived. And sometimes that has to be enough. So I try to stay hopeful for opportunity and help from donations. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3805 - 12/1 - Sadness and obsession

Today was ok, I guess. But I still find my thoughts are very sad and focused often on death and the frailty of things. I am falling into patterns of fewer things to avoid and distract myself, but it is becoming tougher and tougher as I have more things I struggle with.

But again, I can say I made it through the day, regardless of how poorly or well I came out of it. So I continue to try to focus on the positive and leave the sad things out of focus. I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully I make it to better days.

Day 3806 - 12/2 - School distraction

Today was a forgotten day. I discovered there was no entry for the day on Monday. I suppose it was forgotten because when I normally would have done writing I rushed to do some school recording work and editing, and so I just forgot.

From what I recall of the day it just was kind of bad. There were a lot of sad times, and by the early afternoon the bandwidth had disappeared entirely, forcing me to do offline things. But, as usual lately, it passed, and I made it through.

Day 3807 - 12/3 - Too many sads

Today I had too many sads. What should have been an otherwise pretty good day was filled with sad thoughts, worrying about bills, and fear of death. My otherwise fun times in the class I TA for, and limited interaction with people, was dulled and easily forgotten. My sads dampened everything I did.

Hopefully I can make it through the holidays ok, as this year is the toughest yet. I know it seems like I say that every year, but insurance is past due, the parking permit for next quarter isn't paid for yet, gas is low, and what should have been a birthday present pre-order has slowly been getting drained and may be lost entirely. Plus, there is still the unknown threat to my food benefit money.

But the day is over. I can control none of those things. So I try my best to hang on and hopefully I can make it until opportunity and help come along.

Day 3808 - 12/4 - Too few sleeps

Today I am super tired. I lost what would have probably been three hours of sleep, likely due to extreme stress and depression.

The day is just starting, but hopefully it will be ok. There are no donations yet, so that is very sad and worrisome. All I can do is try to hang on until help comes, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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