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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 565

Day 3949 - 4/24 - Stretching to infinity

Today seemed to pass normally up until lunch. After that the floor emptied and the day seemed to stretch to an impossibly slow state. Time seemed to stretch to infinity. My time at school after lunch felt three times as long as it was.

My eyes must have some kind of infection. They seem more than just bothered by the age of the contacts. That is a familiar blur and burn. This is more a tearing and slight swelling on the bottom lids. And again, the tears feel like they are turning to dry salt, much like your eyes get when you sleep. I'm still sneezing and just completely sleep deprived exhausted. I don't know if that is from general sleep deprivation, which I am lately, or extra layers of exhaustion from fighting whatever this cold is. I can't tell. I've been so exhausted lately I've been considering napping in my car after I get to school. I haven't done that in years, as my nighttime spot previously allowed me to relax and get enough sleep, and so a nap would just throw off my schedule. But since the possible trouble two weeks ago (and continuing) many nights I'm only getting half the sleep I used to.

But I guess I have my games (when I'm not too exhausted to play.) I have about a week of gas, and if I'm lucky almost another week in the bank. Though I have nothing of the $40 to pay the insurance on the first. So for the moment I try to hang on. And hopefully help and opportunity will come soon and I can make it to better days.

Day 3950 - 4/25 - Sleepy eyes

Today I got a decent amount of rest, so I'm not quite as tired as I have been lately. But my eyes started to get very sleepy in the early afternoon. They have been half closed and blurry.

I didn't feel tired at the start of the day, but now at the end I feel pretty tired. I feel like in order to recover from all my tired lately I'd need to be free to sleep in and rest as much as I wanted for about two weeks, in addition to eating probably 25-40% more than normal. My sad homeless life is truly taking a toll lately and I don't know when, or if, I will be able to recover.

But as with any day, pretty much everything is out of my hands. All I can truly do is hang on, hope help and donations come, and hope I can make it to better days.

Day 3951 - 4/26 - Dry lips

Today my dry lips have been bugging me. I guess as long as my eyes have had the crusty tears I've had lips that are dry on, I guess you could describe it as the half furthest from my mouth. So, on the top part up near my nose, and the bottom maybe just along that very bottom edge. They aren't super bad, just feel like I've been eating super salty tortilla chips for the past hour. They've been like this for days too, which is weird.

I guess today was ok. Nothing bad happened. But I am exhausted. And I've felt extremely sad and heartbroken all day. There is extremely little private time for me anymore. And what little I can get is uncertain and doesn't feel safe like it used to. If this continues much longer I may be forced to at least try to rest and nap a few times at school in my car. Though that is not a great option for a number of reasons. I'd prefer to not need to do that.

But everything is pretty much out of my hands these days. All I can try and do is continue to hang on to hope. And hopefully help and donations come and I can make it to better days.

Day 3952- 4/27 - Summer, not summer

Today's weather was weird. It started super hot. I even regretted not having shorts on. But by the early afternoon it had turned gray and rainy looking. Now in the early evening it looks more like late winter or fall than spring approaching summer weather. There were even a few droplet marks on my windshield indicating maybe it did actually rain very briefly at some point.

Last night was very rough. There was a weirdness that kept me up most of the night. I would be lucky if I've gotten more than four real hours of sleep in total. My eyes have been exhausted and mostly closed all day. Though my general physiology is almost recovered because I got extra food since I know that can help with recovering nerves being thrown off from physical exhaustion.

The connection at the library was complete garbage. By about noon it was regularly dropping me. And around one I just gave up completely and played offline things and watched a series I'd checked out.

I got a little donation, which helped with gas money for the next week, but that was it. So I am still panicking over the car insurance due in a few days, and the registration in a little less than 2.5 months. But all I can do is try to hang on. And hopefully help, donations, and opportunity come.

Day 3953 - 4/28 - Unbroken

Today was good and bad. Bad in that the library connection was almost completely dead the entire day. I didnt play online because it couldn't connect at all and I barely got enough bandwidth to get through a couple of shows. In good, my eye puffiness and salty tear creation seems almost completely gone. I was very careful to clean my contacts yesterday and use new solution overnight and it seems to have maybe helped with recovery. I also got an unbroken eight hour rest last night. I can't remember the last time I slept without being disturbed by something or waking up in the night and not getting back to sleep. Usually I get only about six hours of broken sleep. And many times lately that has been less, closer to four. So today things seem a bit better.

Though I was surrounded by disease today. One person behind me kept coughing and sounded like he has the plague. For half the day someone sat in front of me with a sanitizer and two different lotions and kept sneezing. So I may have caught something from one or both of them. I guess we'll know in a few days if I start to feel sick.

But now it's early evening and soon it will be night. It seems I survived yet another day. And these days that seems to be all I can do. I have to try and keep hoping and hanging on.

Day 3954 - 4/29 - You deserve a reward

Today I feel pretty exhausted. I still would prefer some sleep, more food, and a calm, quiet, private space to recover. But none of those things can really happen. I can try to relax, and my hall spot is somewhat calm and quiet, but it isn't private, and I can't control anything.

The network was again garbage in the morning. It was so bad I even had difficulty connecting to the social page. It was either disconnecting or completely locking for upwards of 30 seconds or more at a time. And in my tests I showed as low as 1 mbps, with an average result of 5 mbps. The connection is normally 40-50 mbps, so it's down at about 10% of normal. I contacted the people and explained it used to be like this all the time but was fixed more than a year ago, but after spring break so far this quarter it's been terrible again. It's usually better in the afternoon, which is the weird thing. But it was still pausing for brief periods nearly all day. The person said they would look into it, so hopefully it can get cleared up.

The only real noteworthy thing was in the afternoon. I looked over at the bench near where I sit and noticed a small pouch of some kind. It was a flat wallet with spaces for cards and a zippered money area. There was only card, which was odd, though I didn't look in the zippered area. It was a bank card, so I looked them up on the social page, but then realized they were probably in a class that was happening around the corner, so I checked and they indeed were. The professor said I deserved a reward. While I said, 'nah, it's fine', I do and don't actually think that. I don't really feel opposite of what I said, but not being "rewarded" for stuff like this, like volunteering to be a TA 500+ hours a school year, like when I was helping with tech support for the big gaming company, or other things like this, are why I'm without money. Society really doesn't 'reward' for kind, helpful, or good behavior in most cases. It only rewards, with pay, when someone does something that someone else can benefit from. And in that regard, yes, I should be rewarded for doing the right thing, for being a TA, for helping with tech support, but I'm not. Society deems what I do as having no value.

But I guess as sad and tired as I was, I survived the day. I got to play a few hours. I got to watch a few shows. I had some food, though not as much as my tummy would have liked. I guess these days that has to be enough. And I just have to try and hang on.

Day 3955 - 4/30 - Oddly shaky

Today I feel a bit weird, oddly shaky. I guess it's like an electricity under my skin; like I have to make a speech or presentation that I'm nervous about. I guess it could be because of my sleep last night. It was pretty good and deep physically, but emotionally there were some sad homeless dreams. Nothing too terrible, as I don't even remember them now that I'm awake.

The change in the night spot seems to not be something I need to worry about, so I am slllooowwwly settling back to almost what was my normal routine. A bit is changed forever, but it's manageable, and my stress levels will hopefully calm back down. Without blood pressure meds and being in a home it likely will never be 'safe' from heart attack risk, but hopefully it can be lower than 'extremely high risk' of what it is today.

The day is just starting, so I don't know what to hope for. In a quick check there are no donations, but the connection seems back to full speed. As always it seems all I can do is hope help, donations, and opportunity come, and I can continue to hold on until better days.

Week 566

Day 3956 - 5/1 - Not picked up

Today went pretty much as expected. But because I lost a few hours of sleep, and I'd be lucky if I got six hours total, I'm extremely exhausted.

The odd thing for today is I got word (after 10 days) that dad hasn't picked up my bunny day e-card. While this isn't entirely unusual he also didn't send me anything, which is a bit odd. Bunny day isn't a huge holiday for him, so it probably isn't a huge concern, but since he's going to be 80 in September, he's probably got about 10% of his lifespan left, which makes me always wonder when a holiday passes that I don't hear from him. While it seems extremely unlikely we would patch things up, both due to his extreme age (and he's been stubborn his whole life), but also my seemingly so far from recovery that it seems unlikely I'd be in a position to travel the some 800 miles away. But as long as he lives I suppose there is hope that it's an option, so it would be sad if he passed without that chance.

I suppose today was pretty ok. It started with a stream of a game I'd love to get. It doesn't come out until February though, so I've got a while to wait. This is also the third in a series, and it's improving on what was good with the previous game that I liked, so I don't have anything to fear in terms of the game losing my interest before I'd gotten my money's worth.

After that I played for a few hours without too many hiccups on the connection. And I watched a few shows. So, I guess, all in all it was a pretty good homeless day save for the exhaustion and my body wanting real cooked food instead of micro food.

So, for the moment I continue to hang on to hope that help, donations, and opportunity come, and that I can hang on until they do.

Day 3957 - 5/2 - Not my power supply

Today I got the replacement power supply and see why the company didn't hesitate to send it. The power supply is tiny and something like 24 watts, which is nowhere near the 180 watts my supply is. So really it is only usable for the cable. Which I guess is good to have, but I've already found a replacement in my old cables that has been working fine.

I guess the day was ok overall. The connection was fussy, so I didn't play when I was expecting, but I did play as much as I wanted, so that was something.

I am still very exhausted, very worried, and very sad. But I have extremely little control over anything these days, so all I can do is try to hang on, and hopefully I can hang on long enough.

Day 3958 - 5/3 - Not school

Today I went to the public library instead of school. Almost all week the staff person who keeps the floor open past 4 on Fridays has been sick, so I didn't want to risk the chance of being pushed off campus that early if he doesn't show up. I kind of regretted it, as the library was kicking me out of my game and frequently disconnecting by about two. I basically had to be off the game by then. I played something offline for a bit then suffered through low bandwidth shows. I expect on the weekend it will be so weak I will have to be entirely offline.

But despite my tummy being upset by the food I got, pretty extreme exhaustion, and general overall sadness, I guess I got through the day. I still have my evening to get through, but all I can do is try to hang on until better days.

Day 3959 - 5/4 - Honest bun is honest

Today things were pretty bad. I am still extremely down emotionally, and the connection got bad just an hour after opening, and was completely disconnecting by about noon. It got so bad it was 100% dead for several hours during the day.

I was super honest today. A friend had given me $20 to see a movie (which I may do, but only because I have free pass money left over, I need it too much for other things) and I went to get $8 in gas. The attendant, a guy I regularly see there, gave what he thought was $12 change back. I double checked, as you do, and was like, 'bup bup bup' and put $1 down and said, 'one too many', and showed the $12 left in my hand. It seemed a bit sad, as $1 is a huge difference to me these days, but I thought about what if that came from his pay? What if he's in almost as bad of a position? Also, this wasn't found money, but a mistake in change. Plus, it was the right thing to do. Which again reflected upon how I've not been rewarded for doing the right thing, and maybe if I'd have been greedy and uncaring all these years I wouldn't still be in such a sad position in life.

So today seemed very sad. It seemed bleak and lonely. I only played and watched about half what I otherwise would have with a decent connection. My tummy feels a bit upset. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. But I did what I could. I tried to hang on. It's all I can do these days. And hopefully I'll make it to better days.

Day 3960 - 5/5 - The movie

Today the bandwidth was again complete garbage at the library almost immediately after they opened. I suppose it didn't really matter, as I left in the mid-afternoon to see the movie. There was an ass there. I was in the front row, alone, and all the way to the side on the row behind me there was a guy with his phone on during the trailers, light blasting away at full. Which already isn't cool, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It went through the turn off phones and don't talk blurb and he still had it on. The movie started and it was still on. After about 30 seconds into the movie I went over and stood right in front of him and loudly said, "Hi." He glanced up and said, "Who are you?" and glanced back down to his phone. I stared at him for about 15 seconds while he casually flipped through things. I said, "Hey! Movie's started. Time to turn your shit off, yeah?" and went back to my seat. He stared angrily at me as I walked away, and after another 15 seconds had not turned off his phone. I went out and let the theater know and said they should kick him out. Sadly they didn't, but after a brief conversation with them he did turn it off. I don't care how important you are, but if you are on call don't go to a movie. Or if you are, do that stuff in the hall away from the view of people. And if maybe there is some kind of worry or emergency, again, go deal with that and don't bring your young teen son to a movie you clearly have no interest in. So, that irked me so much a good portion of the movie was ruined because I was distracted and upset.

It was an outdoor mall area. There were several happy people around going here and there, especially to the restaurants. Everything smelt like super yummy hamburgers, steaks, and soups. I haven't eaten anything like that in I don't know how long at this point.

The weather was super warm today, even a bit hot. I was going to wear shorts again next week, but now I'm not sure if I should. Looking at the sky instead of clear and hot, it's now gray, cloudy, and much darker than it should be at this hour. I guess I'll still wear pants tomorrow and see what the weather app shows and go from there for the rest of the week.

But I got to play a game at least a little in the morning time. And I did have a good time with the movie in spite of that ass. There is even enough money left on the gift card for another movie probably. So for the moment I try to continue to hope. Hopefully help and donations come. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 3961 - 5/6 - Feeling very unhealthy

Today I am feeling very unhealthy. I guess it started in the morning when I settled in to my spot. Things weren't too bad, but my neck and shoulders felt completely locked up. As it got into afternoon I noticed more and more my heart and body felt very bad. I could only describe it as the same kind of bad inside feeling I had when I was on too heavy a dosage of the blood pressure medicine which was hurting my kidneys. I don't know if it's blood pressure related, stress (from yesterday's movie conflict on top of homeless stress), or some kind of diet oddity. (You never really can rely on micro food being good and fresh.) Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning. I'm going to try to relax as much as I can with what is left of tonight, but being homeless there is extremely little I can do or control.

Last night it did rain. There were three distinct thunder cracks I heard and it started pouring rain pretty heavily after. Rain usually means I'm safer, so I got back to sleep pretty quickly after it started, so I don't know how long it continued. The weather app says it should remain sunny, but not as warm, barely reaching 70F.

I got word from someone saying they are listening to my podcasts from the beginning, and they hoped I was doing ok. Things are still pretty much the worst ever, with each day progressively worse, as I can no longer keep up with basic costs. But it was very nice to hear someone was worrying about me. Even though I know there are, it's nice to hear.

As broken and bad as I feel all I can do is try to rest and relax as best as I can. Hopefully help and donations come, and I can continue to hang on until better days.

Day 3962 - 5/7 - The pain in my neck

Today I'm not quite as sore in my neck and shoulders. Last night when I put my head back to rest I remembered that when I was at the movie I was so close I had to put my head at a 30-40 degree angle and it was hurting the base of my neck and giving me a headache. I guess during the night it cramped and that is probably where a lot of the pain came from. Hopefully in a few days that will settle down.

It's pretty gray and rainy outside, so it seems the weather is still trying to hang on to winter. It's sad because it was right at shorts wearing weather before that.

I don't expect anything special today, so I expect it will be a regular sad homeless day. I am TAing in the morning, so hopefully that will be fine. But I don't know what else the day will hold. As always I try to hang on to hope that help and donations come, and hopefully I will make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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