Week 535
Day 3739 - 9/26 - Reversed
Today was a bit odd. In the morning I saw my professor down the hall and she called out and asked if I wanted to join even though it was just lecture. It was like wait what? Monday you said you didn't want me in the basic/intro class. So I replied back naaaaah and that I'd wait until they are closer to production in like week three or so.
The day was also weird in that the floor is really ridiculously empty. There are only about two classes at a time (compared what used to be four or sometimes more) and most seem to be done by the early afternoon. I think after about 2:30 there was one class and that was it. It's a very different and very vacant feeling. I've basically been one of the only ones here after 4. If there are others they are all in a single class.
I did see a head nurse type person about my allergies. Basically she confirmed what I was kind of afraid of, that being I will need steroid level drugs or anti-biotics to break this congestion. When I said how long it's been and that it's pretty constant she pretty much said before I did that normal decongestants and antihistamines won't work anymore if that's the case. So that's sad, as that's a minimum of $10. But, she didn't seem at all really worried about it turning into something worse.
That is really it for the day. I just kind of sat in my spot and tried to relax. So I try to hold on to hope. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3740 - 9/27 - Has appointment
Today was the stat of things being a bit different, at least short-term. In the morning I got a donation from the Gray Ghost. It was pretty big. He got some inheritance money from his mom passing, which is pretty sad as she must have been not even in her 80s yet. He said I should get something to remember her by, but I don't know what that could be. I have a few memories of her, but nothing specific in terms of likes or hobbies.
With everything coming up though I think the best use would be to see if I can pay off the web space for the year. That will help me to keep getting the word out about my sad story, in addition to all the regular online things I do at the site. Not to mention all the things that are tied to the emails on those domains. Beyond that there won't be much, but there is enough to set an appointment to get meds to clear up these allergies, or cold, whatever it is, and a new headlight as I discovered one of my headlights seems to be out. Better to fix that than get ticketed.
Today was a long day as I had both classes. I am officially signed up for the important one, so not only do I have that but I currently have six units. That's critical to keep financial aid at bay.
But I'm exhausted from my cold. Again I lost a couple hours of sleep last night. If I can just make it to Wednesday when my appointment is I should do a lot better after that.
So I try to focus on the hopeful. And I try to continue to hang on until better days.
Day 3741 - 9/28 - From the library
Today as pretty good I suppose. It was a less allergic day once I was awake. I had a dry nose and just a touch of sniffles, nothing major. It was super cold at the library, ridiculously so. I'd forgotten how stupidly cold it gets there.
I got a console game at the library (after many weeks waiting for it). It seems weird to do that, but that's pretty cool. With the way my sad life is there is no way I'd buy console games to play. So it's great that I can get what are the important ones from the library. I'll have a pretty limited amount of time to play them, but enough I think it will be ok.
I guess that is really it for the day. Mostly I'm just trying to hang on and get past these crazy allergies. But I try to look at the positive. I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3742 - 9/29 - All the lymph nodes
Today all my lymph nodes are jammed up. I noticed my feet were a touch swollen the other day, but for the past few days the lymph nodes in my jaw, base of my neck, and armpits have all been very noticeable. It's still weird because whatever this is still just feels like severe allergies, not a proper cold since it's really just congestion.
I guess today was ok. It was very sad though because now the money is pretty much gone. I paid the yearly internet space bill, so phew, I don't have to worry about that for more than a year. And I got some stupid headlight bulbs to take care of that. It gets to me Monday, so the odds of being caught and ticketed before I can change it is basically zero.
I guess today I just hung on to hope. Hope I get over whatever this is. And hope I can continue to get help and make it to my forever better days.
Day 3743 - 9/30 - Maybe for real sick
Today I am maybe for real sick. What may have started with allergies has felt very different this last week. Today I again feel slightly feverish, congestion, icky tummy, headache, and I'm pretty tired, though that might be lack of sleep.
I guess the day was pretty good, though the congestion started to get really bad just a touch after noon. I think I took a game break at 3 and didn't go back. I did a bit of homework and tried to watch some stuff. (Tried because the low bandwidth couldn't even buffer the lowest resolution at points.)
I guess it wasn't a terrible day, despite feeling genuinely sick. So I try to hang on to hope. I hope help and opportunity come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3744 - 10/1 - Software update
Today was ok. It was a bit different in that I had my console with me at school. I had to update the software to play the game from the library. It took a crazy amount of time to update, like more than an hour. It seems they have also blocked the system on wireless, so it's good I could connect via landline.
I'm still pretty sick, but hanging on. I can hopefully make it to my appointment. The cold is actually pretty clam other than messed up lymph nodes.
But I survived the day. So I try to hang on to hope.
Day 3745 - 10/2 - Headlights go
Today I am feeling pretty terrible. Last night my cold destroyed my nose and throat. Today I am still very congested, sneezy, tire very easily, hot, and feeling feverish. Tomorrow hopefully they can just hand me meds after my appointment. If I have to go to get them filled there is always a chance for delay.
I put the headlight in when I got to school. It felt like it was only about 5 minutes, but looking at the clock it may have been 15 or more. It was pretty easy peasy though; move a thing, unscrew two things, pop out the light. Before putting it all back and screwing it closed I turned the lights on with the bulb hanging out to check and it showed bright and easy to see, even in the daytime light, so I'm sure it's fine.
Hopefully the rest of the day will go as easily. But to longer classes is never the best when feeling sick. So hopefully I can hang on. I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Week 536
Day 3746 - 10/3 - Have bacon, don't have drugs
Today was weird. I spent way more time at the appointment than I expected. I think it took about 50 minutes even though when I arrived I was the only one there. The head nurse said she had no problem letting me slide on fees and not paying them. She's seen me around and knows I really need the help. She and the other doctor were both like 'psh I'm not even worried about that (the congestion and allergy/cold symptoms)' and were instead worried about my blood pressure. Really? Getting so congested I'm literally suffocating unless I gasp for breath through my mouth is within normal acceptable ranges for allergies?
Well, I got a prescription for one month of blood pressure meds. I'm sure it will help, but I don't have the $20 minimum to make a regular appointment to set up long-term care. So, yeah, that helps short-term, but a month will pass in the blink of an eye.
He also gave me an anti-biotic, which he basically let me decide if I really wanted them or not. He said they probably wouldn't help and would just give me diarrhea. 
Well, if there is a chance they will get me clear I'll take it.
Unfortunately the pharmacy said they couldn't get it until later, like come back Friday morning later. So that is super lame.
There are some good things though. I saw half a dozen beeeaaautiful girls out and about. 
Of course they were undoubtedly too young for me and didn't even glance my way. 
When I made lunch, in the middle of the table was a plate with four bacon and a muffin. I checked and they were ice cold. Which made sense, as they stopped serving breakfast about 45 minutes earlier. I took two bacon and the muffin. After eating the bacon I was sad that I hadn't taken it all. It had obviously been abandoned and I don't even remember how many yeas it's been since I had bacon last.
Oh, they also checked my weight. I was over 200 pounds, but I was not over the probably 230 I've been feeling like I am. I was probably just a hair over at around 205. (It showed 214, but I had my boots on and my wallet, phone, keys, etc.) So I guess my feeling super fat is maybe a symptom of my blood pressure, though I can grab an entire handful of fat if I grab my belly, so it's not the shape I'd like to look like regardless.
Overall I guess it was an ok day. I felt more sick than not, but in time I will have meds, and that should help. And seeing beautiful women out and about reminds me they are out there, and so perhaps love is too. Even though it seems highly unlikely there will be any for me again.
But I try to hang on to hope. I try to hang on until meds come. And I hope I can hang on until help and opportunity come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3747 - 10/4 - Congestion
Today I was super congested all day. Maybe more than others. I was last night too, and have lost sleep the past few nights. I was soooooo tired I was dozing off in class.
I guess it wasn't a terrible day. I was warm. Class was ok. One class was canceled, so I got to rest and play during that time.
I did feel extremely profoundly sad though. I think because of being so sick and not being able to do much to help. In a home I know there would be a ton of options to try and help get better.
I may have been sad too due to feeling lost. Last night I thought about how it's been more than 10 years since I've been homeless, and 8 years on top of that since I started these attempts to change direction and find a new degree to help. Yet that is just all lost time. In some cases the entire lifespan of some of the younger students, lost, going nowhere, nothing changing. So I feel a profound loss there as well.
But I try to hang on. I try to continue to hope things get better and maybe I can at least have some of the things I am missing someday. And I try to hang on until then.
Day 3748 - 10/5 - Drugs, no drugs
Today seems like a promising start for drugs. My nose seems to have stopped producing though it is still plugged, as all the paths are still swollen and jammed up. But it feels hopeful that the antibiotic is doing something.
However, I can't get my blood pressure meds. This is a different version of something I had before and things are apparently not covered. The guy said it would be $30 and I was like 'no thanks.' Hopefully the doc can give me one that I did before or one that would be covered, but who knows how long that will take to both get a new one and get it filled.
I guess today is ok other than that. There is a game that I've been wanting that came out, and after much deliberation I decided to spend a bit more than half of my birthday and Xmas gift card monies from past years to get it. I figure they were for times past, so it's fine. As to worry about something I might need and don't otherwise have cash for, well, lately I've worried a lot about my lifespan. I don't know if I'll get my remaining 40 years. It might not be 4 years. It might even not be 4 months. I really don't know. So in this case, this one time, what was meant to be a gift for something already past it feels like it will be ok. And, all my sources I go to for gaming news, both big and small, are all raving how this is one of the best games of its type, and even one of the best games ever. And with many saying it's got a 60 hour play through, with an average time closer to 80, it should last quite a long time.
So today ends hopeful. Hopefully this cold or allergies will finally calm down. Hopefully I can have something special to play (in addition to other recent special gifts). And hopefully I can hang on emotionally and physically, and make it to forever better days.
Day 3749 - 10/6 - Goodbye tooth
Today was very sad. As I was having a lunch sandwich I felt and heard an extra crunch-crack. While 70% of the front top left tooth had already been damaged and been lost, another 10% or so snapped off. It was a small amount, but what is left is noticeably smaller feeling. I felt sick and sad. All along the top front they are black and corrupt colored, or simply rotted away and gone. Thankfully when I talk normally it isn't really noticeable. For years I've trained my upper lip to not move to prevent being embarrassed by my teeth, so probably very few know. And those who do wouldn't say anything. It's a kind of wound you just don't talk about, or only talk about behind someone's back wondering what happened to them.
Because of how extra sad I felt about it I didn't really feel like playing online. I just did a few quick daily things then played offline single player things. I felt like being alone with my sads. I really wanted a hug and maybe a special fancy dinner to help me feel better, but neither of those could happen.
I guess it's ok I played offline. The bandwidth was pretty bad, and after playing for about an hour I noticed I'd been disconnected at some point.
All I can do is hang on to hope someday I can get the money to fix it. Which likely would be 50k or more to fix. But I hope I can hang on enough to at least get back to some normal form of life. Being sick so often, sad about physical states I can't even try to get control of, is causing a lot of emotional pain.
So I try to do my best to continue to hang on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3750 - 10/7 - Funny smell
Today I'm still super congested. What seemed like a good start with the drugs has turned to a similar meh of effectiveness, seemingly not helping or not helping very much. The doc seemed confident I'd be ok once summer passed, as it seems to just be allergies, but I don't know. I've never been this congested, this badly, or for this long.
Mostly I have to massively overdose with the nose spray to try and breathe. A weird side effect of that is that it seems to burn out much of my ability to smell. Add that to the remaining congestion and I am left with very little ability to smell. So it seems Ill go through phases of one or two smells overpowering and becoming dominant. Like one time it was a burnt smell. And today was a sort of medical fake orange. It's weird.
I was still super sad today. And much of the day I was just exhaustedly tired. I played little and didn't do any of the homework I expected to. But, I managed to hang on emotionally. And sometimes it has to be enough. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 3751 - 10/8 - Feel fat
Today I am feeling very fat, unattractive, and out of shape. I suppose it's just because there is a very beautiful girl in editing class who I think is super cute. And I saw the redhead that sits in the hall who is soooooo beautiful and attractive. 
Even if I was in shape and as healthy as I'd like to be I'm sure they still wouldn't even glance my direction. I'm much too old for them to even consider me.
I guess today was ok though. It was a full day of doing TA helping things. Which still feels weird in that I'm burning a lot of time and not getting anything back. I guess it's only about 12 hours a week in total, so that isn't a ton of time overall. But still. It would be nice to get some kind of compensation.
I guess I hung on today emotionally and that is something. I am still extra sad because of the loss the other day. And I am super sad about being out of shape and so often feel the effects of that. But I am having an ok time and keeping the sads at bay with my games lately, so that is something. So I try to focus on hope. I try to hope help comes. And I hope I can continue to better days.
Day 3752 - 10/9 - Maybe trying again to quit
Today I feel very slow and tired. For some reason between 4:30 and 5:45 I was awake and couldn't get back to sleep, so I lost quite a bit of sleep.
I may try to yet again quit soda (for a number of reasons.) It's difficult as my preferred non-soda drink needs to be on deep sale to be cheap, otherwise it's 3-4 times the cost. Plus, it's my only real comfort food item I have access to these days, especially since it's so cheap compared to other possible options.
But what happens happens. I have little control, and almost no control of options. Hopefully my classes will be fun and the day will be ok. So I try to hang on to hope for better days.
