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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 667

Day 4663 (V:387) - 4/7 - Light observation

Today was ok. It started good. I was ahead of schedule for my things in my MMO, so I got a chance to check for raids. But it was very slow, so there were none. So I played my other new game for a bit longer than I expected, which was super fun.

I saw some news in the afternoon that made me a bit worried and sad; stuff about the virus and times they want to 'fully reopen' things in my state. It worries me for a few reasons. Mostly I don't think enough people are safe. There are no appointments in my area to get the vaccine. And I know it takes at least two shots, a few weeks apart, so I don't think their time table of two months from now is realistic. Also, I won't feel really safe until most people have gotten the vaccine and cases are nearly completely stopped. So now I'm worried about how things are now, and how things may be in a few months.

I got the car light today. It came with some weird white goo completely filling the socket area. I don't know what that's for. I can only guess it's to protect it while it's unused, or it's some kind of sealant. I dug a decent amount of it out of it, but left maybe 30% in just in case it needs it for some reason to function. Checking the light and testing it immediately worked fine. I'll observe and retest over the next few days before I stop worrying though. And in a couple of days if it seems fine I'll change the other as well, as I assume it may be in just as bad of a condition.

Overall I guess today was ok. Though I am still very worried about everything. But I try my best to relax. And I try to hang on. And hopefully I can make it through to better days.

Day 4664 (V:388) - 4/8 - Saturday rally

Today I got some potentially bad news about a rally happening in my outside spot on Saturday. It's listed as happening from 1-2:30, which isn't a ton of the day, but if there is a lot going on I should expect 1 hour before and after for setup and tear down. There are lots of places around the building for plugs though, so I'm hoping I can just go to a different part of the building and be displaced just a bit instead of completely. But I could potentially lose half or more of my online plugged in time.

Today was ok, but not as great as it could have been. The connection was a touch unstable, as every 30 to 45 minutes it would lockup for about a minute and disconnect me from what I was doing. It was pretty disruptive, but I managed to do my MMO daily activities, but it prevented me from looking for a raid. I also tried to play my new game with a friend and the connection had issues there too. I played by myself for a few hours in the new game after, and things were fine.

I'm very super tired today. I've been sneezing and sniffly a lot. I coughed up some yuck yesterday and today just a bit too. The flowers that are in bloom smell very nice, but they are possibly why my allergies are going crazy.

I guess that was really it for today other than mailing in my fix it ticket stuff. I'll check the light over the next few days, and maybe in a week that will show clear on my record and I can finally be done with it.

But I guess I survived the day ok. And so all I can do is continue to try to hang on.

Day 4665 (V:389) - 4/9 - Too cold

Today was a pretty good day. It started way too cold though. I could see my breath in the morning, and I never took off my second hoodie.

I guess I had fun in my MMO, though nothing special happened. Because there was no one doing raids I left early and played a bit extra in my new game. It was super fun.

I am a bit worried about tomorrow since I don't know what will happen. I guess I'll plan to do my regular day and expect people will come to set up things around noon. I don't know what the day will hold, but hope I can just change my spot if need be, but stay at a spot with power and a connection. It wouldn't be the end of the world to lose about 3-4 hours of one day, but it would be a bit sad and disappointing.

I hung on today, and hopefully I can continue to hang on until better days.

Day 4666 (V:390) - 4/10 - Undisturbed

Today I was not disturbed by the meeting parade activity. I guess the person who wanted to test my plug was totally wrong about where they'd set up. I'm to the side of a building across from the library. Between the two is a third building that's a meeting center. And between all three is a concrete grass fountain area. They set up in front of that meeting building, and when they got ready to march they wound around the center area. So, outside of maybe a dozen people total through the day coming near or by me, I was undisturbed and didn't need to move at all.

The connection was kind of bad though. Again every 20-30 minutes it would lock up for about 30 seconds, causing me to disconnect from my game, and causing a pause in any video I had on in the background after it ran out of buffer. I guess it wasn't bad. And I got to play what I wanted for the time I wanted. I did get to try for a raid in my MMO, but I didn't get any loot I needed.

My food has been wrecking me lately. More than a year of basically the same 3-4 main foods is starting to upset me regardless of what I pick. Since I have a bit of wiggle room from the stimulus I have lately been craving and considering pasta. Weirdly the place I looked to see if they had any apparently only does soup and sandwiches. I could have sworn they had pasta. Sadly that means the only place I know for sure that does pasta would be the expensive food store. And when I was last there they were even more expensive than usual, asking effectively $12 for a single meal. Back in the day when they were open I'd get a scoop of pasta, a bit of chicken, some potatoes, and a small salad for usually around $8. So... it's unlikely I'd be willing to spend so much for a single meal of just pasta.

I guess the important thing is I survived the day. Maybe super sniffly from my allergies, super tired from lost sleep, super acidic tummy lately, still sad about everything, but, I survived. And these days that has to be enough.

Day 4667 (V:391) - 4/11 - Slow day, easy day

Today felt weird. It seemed like time was passing pretty slowly. I was getting ahead in my MMO and was done with daily things pretty early, just before lunch. But the connection was dropping again, a lot. This time it was closer to every 20-30 minutes during the day. I casually checked for raids, then left the MMO early because I kept disconnecting. I was going to play my new game on my main, but I dropped a few times there too, so I spent more time on my alt. I watched a show at the end of the day and that didn't get interrupted at all.

I guess it was a pretty ok day. It was quiet, calm, and only a few people came by. I was cold most of the day. It's still not quite warm enough sitting on the concrete, at least not until late afternoon, just about when I'm leaving. When I left today, and even now, it feels a couple hours earlier than it actually is. I'm not sure why.

I'm still having a lot of allergies. There was a lot of sniffling and sneezing today. And though my eyes are half closed, I don't really feel sleepy. Tired, as I often am, but not really sleepy. But I suppose overall the day wasn't terrible. And hopefully I'll make it to better days ahead.

Day 4668 (V:392) - 4/12 - Somewhat disappointing

Today has been somewhat disappointing. The frequency of the connection pausing has increased today to about once every 15 minutes, making doing any group activity impossible. I finished my solo MMO stuff and left early, with no chance to look for any groups because of how often I was dropping. I played in my new game with the extra time, so I guess it was ok. My new game seems much less sensitive to whatever the issues are that the connection is having.

I guess on the plus side today has been a bit gray, so there is less crowd than usual. It has been like a soft blanket overhead, creating a calmer and quieter tone to everything.

My allergies are still going pretty crazy. I guess I should take an allergy pill, though they really seem ineffective. But I guess I am warm enough. I had ok food. I played and had fun. And so I survived the day ok.

Day 4669 (V:393) - 4/13 - Hopeful

Today I am hopeful things will be warmer. It got up to a bit too warm a few weeks ago, but lately it's become cold again. I'm hoping for good news, but I won't be too hopeful in case it falls through. It's not life changing, but could help at least a bit with comfort.

As always I really don't know what to expect for the day. All I can do is try to continue to hang on.

Week 668

Day 4670 (V:394) - 4/14 - I forgive you, driver

Today the nice thing happened. I have time to be in the ex-garage and be safe from the outside with a solid and stable connection.

I decided to repay my ex-roomie with some pizza since she's shared hers like three times with me lately. And while I was let in for a shower, and they were on the couch some 15 feet from the front door, the pizza was apparently delivered. Yes, maybe it's my bad as I've not used that service before and they did send an email to track the delivery. But I was in the shower. Apparently it was delivered with no doorbell rung. So when I went to leave and wondered why it hadn't arrived yet, it was waiting outside, nearly completely cold.

But you know what, I forgive you driver. Maybe you were having a bad day. Maybe you are having a tough time with everything and extra scared about everything. We all are really. So I won't complain. I won't mention it to the service. I don't expect to use the service again, as this was a special thing, and I'd be eating it cold anyways. (Plus the extra $5 delivery charge, and 10% price increase for minimum tip, was a pretty extreme increase.) So, I forgive them. It's ok.

I guess today was ok. I played and had fun. I got some special pizza and have enough left for a few days food. Things in my life are still very uncertain and I don't know if I will make it through. But for the moment I am ok. And in my sad life, right now, this moment, may be all I have.

Day 4671 (V:395) - 4/15 - Relaxing day

Today started with sleeping in. I went out to get some food, so that was a bit sad to be leaving inside, but it wasn't too bad. Today has been relaxing, warmer than if I had been outside, and so far, fairly calm. I'm still super sniffly, but hopefully the inside time will help me recover.

As always, all I can do is try to hang on.

Day 4672 (V:396) - 4/16 - Flakey knee

Today has been ok. I didn't sleep as much as I expected I would, only getting 7-8 hours, but it was ok. I got to do some laundry and a shower (again), so nothing is stinky now.

Though I did notice something strange I've never seen before. My right knee has been feeling very dry and hardened lately. Maybe as long as a few weeks now. I haven't really paid attention to it, because of my eczema my elbows and knees get pretty easily dried out, especially lately with wearing so many layers. But before getting into the shower I scratched at it and some dead skin flaked off. It was a kind of flakey like after a sun burn, but in thicker sheets. After I cleaned the top of my knee of the dried skin, it felt fine. The skin underneath was normal color and not sensitive, unlike new skin from under a burn would be.

It's later than I would normally write, but since I can stay again there are probably still about 6 more hours before I 'go to bed', so I still have more playing and some show watching ahead of me for the evening. Hopefully I'll have a chance to do a rare raid in my MMO, but I still have one more cycle in the wash, which might interrupt important things in about an hour, so I'll have to wait for that before looking.

I guess today was about as good as I can hope for these days, so I try to enjoy the extra things I have today, and hopefully I can continue to hang on until better days.

Day 4673 (V:397) - 4/17 - A break from games

Today was ok. I didn't sleep as much as I thought I might for being able to sleep in, but I feel ok. I had a lot of fun playing my games today. I didn't get into any fancy raids, which is always sad when I have a chance to use a good connection. I played my new game, but not as much as I have been lately. I'm at 'the end game' which really just boils down to way too many bad guys rushing at me, so I'm not sure how long that cycle will hold my interest in it's current form.

I decided to take a break from gaming for a bit and do some editing. I didn't originally plan to do it until tomorrow or Monday, but it was a nice break. I actually like editing. I just wish more cared about what I'm putting out. I still have no clue how my audio version is doing, but seeing things like no views, or less than 5 views total, on my videos makes me feel like I'm just wasting my time. I guess if even just a few find it useful that's fine, but last time I checked the detailed statistics it showed an average view time of less than a minute.

I guess I feel pretty ok at the moment. It has been a nice vacation, but in a few hours I'll be back to my regular sad life. I hope I remain ok. I hope I can stay healthy. And I hope I can hang on emotionally. Each year it is becoming more and more difficult, and I feel more and more shattered and broken.

Day 4674 (V:398) - 4/18 - Fear of ants in my pants

Today I was afraid I'd get ants in my pants. For about the past month, very slowly, the tiniest of ant populations has shown up at my outside spot. I don't mean tiny in number, though originally it was, but I mean in size. These ants are maybe 1/3 the size of normal ants. They are super tiny. They are going crazy in my area and I was worried they'd crawl up into my pants as I sat there.

The connection was pretty terrible. I barely could do single player stuff in my MMO, and even just doing that I was disconnecting or lagging heavily every 5 minutes or so. Even when trying to play my new game solo, because it requires an online connection, even that had trouble staying connected. I gave up trying to game earlier than usual and tried just watching a show. I guess that wasn't completely terrible. The issues worked kind of in my favor, as the commercial breaks were often interrupted and cut short.

It was super hot today. I'm in the early evening now, in my car, and I'm almost completely sweating. I hope shad comes soon because it's way too hot. I took off my hoodie by noon, and took off my long sleeve shirt by about 3. I think it might be time to remove the last extra under shirt layer, because if it continues to be this warm I will get too hot.

Today was disappointing, sad, and very lonely. But now that it's evening when I'd be alone anyways, the struggles are fading from my mind. Though with the connection issues increasing in frequency unless someone happens to come to work in the building it's likely it will go unnoticed and continue to get worse in the coming days. But all I can do is continue to try to hang on.

Day 4675 (V:399) - 4/19 - More open, more closed

Today started badly, but has ended with a nice surprise. In the morning I thought the connection was fixed, as things were stable and clear... until about almost exactly 11 AM. At that point it crashed hard, and I couldn't really stay connected. Of the time I tried to do things I got maybe 15% done, and the rest of the time I was sitting staring at a non-responsive screen.

I left the spot early to discover the bathrooms outside the library and city hall building is now open most of the day, and the library has changed their hours because all of the building is open, but just for browsing. So, I guess that is a step forward, but it still makes me worried about my future.

I got good news that I can be in the ex-garage a few days more, so that was especially good considering the connection was effectively dead at the outside spot.

I decided to see if the pizza place could take my gift card to get some pizza to celebrate, but the building was closed with the lights off. Apparently there was a note saying the location will sometimes be closed now. So I guess no pizza for me, at least not today, and not from there.

So I guess good and bad today. Mostly though the changes make me more worried about the future. Things already felt the worst to me. And though I was feeling hopeful about re-entering the graphic arts field when this all started, now with everything that's happened I feel more uncertain than ever.

Day 4676 (V:400) - 4/20 - Sleepy Tuesday

Today really the only thing I know is I will likely sleep in and feel sleepy. I'll be able to play games and watch shows uninterrupted, so that's good. I really don't know what to expect for the day.

As always, all I can do is try my best to make it through and continue to try to hang on.

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