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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 641

Day 4481 (V:205) - 10/7 - Expected warm, got freezing

Today I continued to wear shorts expecting the weather would go back to warm. But now in the early afternoon it's barely reached 70F. I've been so cold I was slightly shivering and clinching my jaw and getting a headache from it. I should have just stayed in my car instead of being out near the store watching the stream I watch. But I'll be fine. I'm sure within an hour I'll feel warmer, though the car isn't a whole lot warmer than outside.

I guess the Saturday storm is coming fast. It wouldn't surprise me if it started raining tonight. And with that I would guess from tomorrow on I'll be in full winter cloths again. I'll get my pants instead of shorts, and I'll put on an additional under shirt layer.

I guess I'm mostly ok other than that. Though I'm still pretty sick. My sniffling still hasn't stopped. I have a bit of sneezing again, and there is a lot of behind my eyes headache pressure. I feel just a touch dizzy too. Though that is a common additional symptom when sick and I don't get enough sleep. With everything going on on top of being homeless the stress is overwhelming and it is extremely easy to never get enough sleep, even under the best conditions. I still wonder how many weeks of recovery sleep I'll need once I'm no longer homeless to not feel exhausted all the time and to have clear thoughts and memory again.

But that is not my life right now. I don't know when, or if, it ever will be again. All I can do is continue to try my best to hang on.

Day 4482 (V:206) - 10/8 - On the edge of relaxing

Today I was outside the library. I think I figured out why I don't feel great even when I get chances like this. With the time I have 'having a normal homeless life' - at least as close as I can get with everything closed - by the time I start to feel relaxed and start to enjoy the time, it's time to leave. And once I go all the sads return, and more than likely the following day will not be outside of the library, limiting what I can do to my tablet and phone. So it is a constant bouncing between just ok, and barely hanging on.

I guess all in all today was about as good as I could have expected. At least so far. The connection was fine. And I accomplished what I thought I would not gaming. I accomplished the basic stuff I thought I would in my MMO. And I guess I got ok progress in a game I play casually. It didn't ever really get very warm. I think I saw something that said the temperature was in the low 70s. But with my extra layer and pants I was warm enough. I am still very sniffly, but for a few hours things were not sniffly. So maybe that is an indication I'm maybe finally starting to clear up.

But there were no surprise changes; I suppose good or bad. And there were no new opportunities. So things continue on as they have been. And I suppose these days it is enough that I simply try to hang on.

Day 4483 (V:207) - 10/9 - Cold stays cold

Today started off cold and has remained cold all day. I've had all my layers on, and even in my car, which has had the windows closed all day, I don't know that I'll take off any layers.

No news of change or any change that I'm aware of. So I suppose it is just another day I survived. My cold or allergies continue to linger. I'm still sniffly, a touch sneezy, and my ears are ringing just a bit. I'm pretty tired too, but I can never tell if that is from a cold, or from general sadness.

I suppose all I can do is continue on for now and hope for better times in days yet to come.

Day 4484 (V:208) - 10/10 - About a dozen found

Today I was feeling a bit sad in the morning. I checked my videos and almost no new views were there. I don't expect millions of views, nor even thousands, and even getting just a few hundred is unusual for me. It seems strange that in years past I've been the first to post footage of a thing, or an event, yet no one seemed to care about what I was reporting. In another universe that could have led to a reporting job, or attaching to a video company that reported on these events, or maybe even becoming one of the top people to post future breaking news like that. But nothing has become of it. My channel remains obscure and almost completely unknown.

I decided to search for my name. I do it every few years. I found about a dozen sites that list my podcast. At first I was mad someone would post it, especially if they aren't directing the traffic to my site (preventing my tracking from seeing a hit and thus misrepresenting my actual listener number.) But I guess it really doesn't matter. Some even had places for people to comment on them or like them, but they remain empty and unliked.

Does no one care? Do my opinions and thoughts not matter to anyone? In years past people have said I did, and my stuff I posted helped in some way. But more and more lately I feel like nothing I post matters. There are so many other sites covering things. And it seems less and less like people draw inspiration or strength from my content or sad story.

I suppose nothing really has changed. I still feel as I have. Validation, or lack of it, hasn't really changed my thoughts about me lately. Would I continue on with the things I do now if I were in a stable home? I don't know. I'd like to think I could do more. But I may never really know if it matters to anyone, or changed their lives in any way. Certainly not if I never hear from anyone anymore. And it feels like it's been quite a while. Though these days my mind is wrecked, and it's difficult to remember anything.

So I continue on as I have been. And hopefully I can continue to hang on, and things do eventually get better.

Day 4485 (V:209) - 10/11 - Profoundly sad

Today I guess many would describe me as feeling profoundly sad. I decided to be outside the library to get extra online and playing time, but I spent nearly all of it offline playing a single player game, where I wouldn't interact with others. I still feel very much like I've failed at everything, and the things I am passionate about and do attempt to do are either extremely limited in how I do them, or if it's things I can do or share with others they still don't care.

I guess at the end of it, the day isn't really any different from any other. No better, and I suppose no worse. And so I continue to try my best to hang on, hoping there are better days ahead.

Day 4486 (V:210) - 10/12 - Constant sneezing, again

Today I have been sneezing basically non-stop, again. I'm super sniffly, my eyes are a bit itchy, and I've been a bit hot feeling due to my sneezing fits.

I guess the cold rain that was supposed to arrive last weekend has done the opposite. Today it's a touch warmer. The weather app says it's 85F, but it doesn't feel quite that warm. I guess it's supposed to peak around 95F later in the week. Then next week it drops back down to 75F. So I'm thankful for at least a brief return to warmer, though these crazy temperature changes may be what's set off my allergies.

I guess today is pretty normal other than that. I still feel extra sad, but still nothing has really changed. I try to continue on and make it to better days.

Day 4487 (V:211) - 10/13 - Hopefully fewer allergies

Today I don't know what the day will bring. I expect I'll be outside the library. I have a TV series to pick up that I've been looking forward to. Hopefully it will be quiet, calm, warm, and my allergies will ease up from their craziness that they've been lately.

I guess though, more than anything, I hope everyone out there can manage ok with everything going on. And we can all make it through these terrible times to better days.

Week 642

Day 4488 (V:212) - 10/14 - Sniffles, sneezes, hungry, not hungry

Today I am wondering if I'll have to start overdosing on allergy pills again. I'm sneezing a ton, and super sniffly. I'm also feeling a bit hot (from so much sneezing), and my eyes are itchy, so I wonder if the normal dose isn't enough.

I have a weird hunger too. It's probably for certain vitamins because I'm starving for certain foods I could get at Panda. Yet the thought of anything I have, or could get at the food store, is like 'meh, I'm not hungry'. So I'm starving and not hungry at the same time.

The shade has been pretty chilly up until recently as it's past noon, now nearly 2, and I'm in my car only partly shaded and it's pretty warm. It got surprisingly hot yesterday at nearly 100F, but it didn't feel like it.

I'm so exhausted from these allergies or cold. So hungry, so tired, and if I had a home I could hopefully have foods my body craves, and the extra rest it wants. Being without... I don't know how much longer I'll continue to be sick. Things take forever to recover from like this.

All I can do is continue to try my best. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 4489 (V:213) - 10/15 - Feels appropriately hot

Today feels appropriately hot compared to the temperature app. The app says it's gotten up past 90F, and by about 11 I had taken off all shirt layers save for my T-shirt. Thankfully it was so hot yesterday (apparently over 100F) that I decided to go back to shorts. So I'm warm, but not overly hot. It's still weird that it's supposed to drop back down to like 75F next week.

I actually forgot my allergy pill this morning, and oddly my nose and congestion feel way better. I've used nose spray with the correct dosage only twice ever in the past nearly 8 hours. (Compared to as much as once an hour at the worst congestion times.) I've sneezed maybe half a dozen times total, and extremely briefly got a hot flash when sneezing. But mostly I've not sneezed, nor felt the need to blow my nose since early morning.

I had a pretty good time playing my games today. Though I did decide to play the shooter that I have a love/hate relationship with and I was pretty quickly reminded how annoying and frustrating it is that people constantly run into my line of fire. I'm grinding the (free) season pass to get a special thing before time runs out early next month, and again I really question if doing that is worth it.

But overall I guess I had fun with my time. And though the stream I watch was a game I don't really have any interest in, I guess I felt ok chatting with people in chat.

I still feel very sad overall. I still miss... well, everything a 'normal life' would have. And I still feel uncared for and not appreciated or wanted. But I guess that's the same as always, and since I had an ok time with my game, I feel slightly better than average. So I survived the day. I try to continue on. And hopefully I can make it to better days ahead.

Day 4490 (V:214) - 10/16 - Pain in my neck

Today ever since early morning I've had a pain in the back left side of my neck, down across my shoulder. I'm guessing that got messed up somehow. It's not an unbearable pain, just like 'ow'. My cold and allergies seem better. Maybe not improved over yesterday, but with no allergy pill I've sneezed just a few times, have only a bit of sniffles, and only needed to blow my nose about three times so far.

I took today extra outside of the library. The sun continues to change it's time and barely past 3 it got into my area. My legs were immediately sweating in the direct light, so I had to pull them in tight. I scooted my laptop close, but it was still a bit in the direct light. Thankfully the group I was in ended after just a couple of minutes like that, so things had gotten warm, but not dangerously so. It was already a bit warmer than usual in general, as it was probably over 100F again, but the temperatures in the shad seemed fine.

I did notice the other side of the building does have a plug, and with the way the sun moves it's always in shade. But so far it's ok being where I have been. I'd rather stay where I am as it's less suspicious seeming. That other side has a couple of chairs and tiny tables. So I don't know if there are workers who use it, or if it's just left over from days past when they were open. I do hear people inside sometimes, or see them go in on very rare occasion, so I'd prefer to keep as low of a profile as I can and just be perceived as someone passing through while using the library. Especially if I'm looking at three or sometimes four times a week for the next probably 2-3 months before things reopen. Honestly at the rate they are reopening this area back up it seems like until a vaccine is found, or cures come out, things may stay the same.

I guess the day was ok. I had fun watching the stream and playing. But I always feel like an outsider, and always in the back of my mind I'm constantly thinking about what I'm missing, and what I may never have again. But all I can do, especially with everything limited like it is now, is to try to continue on.

Day 4491 (V:215) - 10/17 - Feels hotter

Today feels hotter than it has the past few days for some reason. I was originally going to stay in the side part outside of the library for a couple hours longer than I have been, but it feels 10F hotter than it actually is. The temperature showed 95F when I shut my system down as the sun encroached into my main spot, and because it was so hot feeling I decided to not take any extra time.

My neck still hurts a lot. I don't remember if it was yesterday that I took pills for it or not. It's not super painful. I'd say maybe 3 on a 1-10 scale. But it impairs motion a little bit, and it's like 'ow' and stiff feeling. (Though my neck and shoulder muscles are always extremely stiff.)

I guess it was an ok day other than that. I had an ok time in my MMO, and even helped a guildie do a thing. I played more than I wanted in the shooter I love/hate. I'm still really on the fence about continuing to play. It takes so much grinding just to do the smallest of things, and many of the things are taken away at the end of the season. I'll probably just continue as I have lately, do it mostly free and drop it completely for long periods of time when it seems too grindy. (Which is often lately.)

I guess I survived the day so far, and so there is probably no reason I can't continue to survive. But I am still exhausted, sniffly, and very sad all the time.

Day 4492 (V:216) - 10/18 - Felt weird

Today I decided to dodge the heat and be outside the library in the shade. I figured since the library should be closed it should be extra private and quiet. It was. There were some people maybe in the later morning and early afternoon, but that was really it. It was basically empty and quiet for the most part, save for the few people coming by to drop off voting ballots.

When I moved out of my normal spot to around the corner to avoid the sun it felt very weird. I think it was more due to the fact that no one was around than anything else. I felt even more homeless and abandoned than usual. I'm not sure if I'll continue doing that or not. I guess it depends on how things go after the time change and how quickly it gets to colder weather.

I guess today was an ok day. But I am still extremely sad. And I still miss... everything.

Day 4493 (V:217) - 10/19 - Suddenly cold, and a headache

Today the weather has suddenly turned cold. There was a cold breeze and it didnt feel anywhere near as warm as it has been.

I've gotten a headache over the past few hours. I don't know if that is from the cold weather, my allergies or cold, or a lack of something like caffeine. I often get headaches if I don't have any soda at all, and so far this morning I haven't had any at all. So I'm having one now and took some pain pills as well. I have had a pretty big craving for chocolate chip muffins lately, or something else with chocolate. I can't remember the last time I had any. Maybe a month ago? I normally try to avoid it because too much makes my tummy upset. I'm lactose intolerant and with how limited my diet is these days I've become really susceptible to stuff upsetting my system.

I guess the day was ok other than that. It... is yet another sad homeless day, like so many before, and seemingly so many yet to come. I'm taking a quiet break in my car, not listening to anything, windows almost completely closed. Which is strange because before I was homeless I was like this all the time. I love the quiet. But now, so often if I don't have constant noise things feel too quiet. The quiet times now more seem like times my mind repeats thoughts of sadness and loss, so it desires distraction so I don't get too sad.

But all I can do is try my best to continue on. And hope someday things get better.

Day 4494 (V:218) - 10/20 - Don't know

Today I don't know what to say. I have a podcast scheduled for this weekend and I have nothing to talk about. With no money for games there is nothing for me, even though there are so many things on my wish list. Similarly, with my life in general no money means no change, the same routine over and over, and there is nothing to look forward to to talk about.

So I simply try to continue on. As I must if I hope to eventually make it through these sad times.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2020
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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