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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 679

Day 4747 (V:471) - 6/30 - Inside

Today I am inside, though the ex-garage isn't the most comfortable since it's hotter than outside, and way hotter than the library would be. But it's quiet, calm, and has an unblocked connection.

I got my tires in the morning and it didn't take too long, though it was only about 15 minutes less than I expected. The guy did say my old tires that I was keeping were fine, though he did say they were getting close to the 10 year point they recommend replacing them even if they are fine. (About 2 or 3 years.) So, no worries about tires for quite a while.

Though I feel kind of extra sad today. Maybe because there is still a lot of pain, which reminds me of my lost teeth and lost health. Maybe because we are in the last days of the Fail year and I am still getting further from recovery instead of closer. It seems all I can do is try to continue to hang on.

Year 14

Day 4748 (V:472) - 7/1 - Washing

Today I was still inside and spent more than half the day washing. So that threw off my games, as it cut everything into 30 to 50 minutes before I had to stop and do a laundry thing.

I guess other than that the day was ok. I was very hot. The ex-garage was quite a bit hotter than outside. But deep down I was also pretty sad. I'll have tomorrow inside, but after that I'll be back outside... on the street... alone.

Day 4749 (V:473) - 7/2 - Afternoon sad

Today I am feeling pretty sad. It will be the last day inside, then back out to my sad homeless life. I guess the day has been pretty good so far with a bit of extra sleep, playing, ok food, and a quiet and calm place to be.

It's early afternoon now and I'm feeling pretty sad about needing to be back out. I guess it's what I'm used to now, and things are very slowly starting to go back to a new version of the before time world, so in some ways maybe I won't be as sad soon.

But I am still incredibly sad. I feel incredibly lost. And it feels like no one cares who I am or what I could possibly do, and that I will never find my way back to a regular life.

Day 4750 (V:474) - 7/3 - Unexpected stress

Today there was a ton of unexpected stress. I suppose I should have expected it, being back out on the street. But I guess I forgot to account for that. And though I knew I felt very sad most of the day, I was not expecting some lunch to get stuck going down and to toss those few bites back up.

The day was mostly ok other than that. My MMO was pretty slow and quiet, as it can often be on holiday weekends. I tried playing a bit of my (old) shooter from inside the library and that worked fine through the VPN for about 1.75 hours, then started disconnecting me pretty frequently when I tried to do group activities. I would guess the connection had just become unstable (through VPN) because I've used it to play back in the before time, but I guess I won't know for sure until I can try it again Tuesday. (My outside spot has slightly different permissions and has no trouble playing it without the VPN.)

I still feel pretty sad now in the early evening. And my chest inside around my heart and sort of along my stomach below, feels a bit cramped, like when you get a bit of a muscle cramp. But I guess besides that I am holding on as best as I can.

Day 4751 (V:475) - 7/4 - Calmer than expected

Today was a very calm and quiet day. I did get a scare around maybe 11 when I noticed a sheriff standing nearby, and when I took off my headphones she asked how long I'd been there. She followed with asking if I'd seen anything suspicious while I'd been there. I guess they got a 911 call that wasn't clear? She asked if I heard any phones ringing? She seemed as confused as I was. After she left I guessed maybe there was a silent alarm triggered automatically by maybe some kid bumping into the building glass? Though I question if it even has an alarm, since in the 9 or so months I've been here that's never happened before.

But it was calm, quiet, almost no one parked across the street in my view, and maybe only half a dozen people walked by all day.

In the morning until just about noon I did all my daily things in my MMO and got two chances for a fancy raid. Though I only got a couple of sort of useful items, nothing really needed. After, I played just a bit of my shooter. It wasn't as much time as I'd expected, but that's ok. I have super casual goals there and I'm always on the fence if it's ever really worth even doing.

I had to take tiny bites today still. Though the calm did a lot of good in recovering, there is still so much stress in my life I have to be careful with eating until my throat calms down again. Hopefully there will be regular showering again starting Tuesday. If so that might help a bit. I suppose I could check if the cafeteria area is open too. Though microwaving something at 9 AM when I pass through wouldn't be great, a few foods would last just fine for the next 1.5-2 hours before I ate it.

It's not quite evening yet, still just late afternoon, and I don't know how the night will go. The 4th is always a night of extra hiding and fear due to unexpected and unpredictable activity. But hopefully the night will come and go as calmly as the day due to many thing still being in partly or fully closed states. As always though, all I can do is hope things work out ok, and hope I can hang on.

Day 4752 (V:476) - 7/5 - Still very quiet

Today things are still very quiet in the outside spot. I think I've seen half a dozen people so far, and it's a bit into the afternoon.

I guess, so far, I've felt ok. There is some tooth pain, but not too bad. Some throat issues, but if I take tiny bites it's ok. I've had fun in my games so far and things are ahead of schedule a bit? So maybe I can spend a bit more time doing something I don't normally do.

There is some guy set up around the corner from me and he's smoking something nasty smelling that has made me cough a few times. I really hope he doesn't start sticking around and become a regular visitor. I really don't want to have to start wearing my mask to breathe better. That is counterproductive.

The library is closed today, so I'll have to stop my day a couple hours early since the sun will move into my area. But that's still a few hours from now. The day is cool with a bit of a breeze and a bit gray skies, and I'm comfortably dressed for how the weather is. So for now at least I continue to hold on.

Day 4753 (V:477) - 7/6 - Maybe school things

Today I discover if there are school things available. I think at least the shower area should be open, which would actually be kind of huge to have access to regular full showers again. I'll peek and see if the cafeteria area is open too so I can micro stuff, but since only a few pool area classes are on campus, and everything else is online, I'd guess nothing else would be. The cafeteria website shows they are closed until further notice, and normally during this quarter they'd be open around 10-2, so it seems unlikely the surrounding building would be open, but I guess we'll see.

As always, I have little or no control over things around me. All I can do is continue to hand on and adapt as best as I can.

Week 680

Day 4754 (V:478) - 7/7 - No shower, no micro, until September

Today I guess I am pretty extra stressed, as I have been for a few days now. I found out on Tuesday that school is still completely closed in terms of services. When I tried to go in to the pool area a construction guy noticed I was trying to download an app to scan a QCR code to get in. He explained that even though there are classes things aren't open. So I guess the people in the water polo class and other P.E. classes will get sweaty and stinky, and then can't shower and change, they just have to go straight home? Seems weird. So I didn't bother checking if the micro area would be open. If they are locking up the changing rooms for the pool area then they would have no reason to have the microwave machines accessible to visitors.

Because of the extra stress my throat issues are back. In fact, just about 2 hours ago I took too large of a bite for 'dinner' while sneaking it in the library and it kind of got stuck in my throat and I had to go cough up some yuck after. My throat still feels pained and a little bit like it's still stuck in the center of my chest. I think tomorrow I'll be extra careful and just maybe have some grapes, cheese, and chips, which are easy to eat and bite into tiny parts.

I guess today was pretty good other than that. I had fun with watching and chatting in the stream I watch. I had fun with my games, though I didnt get a chance for anything fancy in my MMO. I even laughed out loud a few times.

But still I feel incredibly sad. And I continue to grow more and more worried about my health issues.

Day 4755 (V:479) - 7/8 - Lost cheese

Today I will probably lose cheese. I don't eat all of a small block usually in a single day, which is the smallest I can get, so that 1/4 that remains will probably be lost overnight due to the heat. It doesn't go well unless it's winter. I was tempted to change my grapes, cheese, and chips plan and get a four shredded cheese blend and some burrito shells. That I could eat in a single day. (Well, not all of the 10 burrito shells, but all the cheese.) But with how small of bites I have to take lately I was afraid the rolled burrito shells might be risky. (And that would be impossible to sneak eat in the library. I'd have to pack in and go outside.)

My lips are pretty dry lately. I'm not sure why. I was thinking it might be the extra mask wearing, but then I remembered in the early days I was wearing a mask twice as many hours as I do now, so that can't be it.

I guess today was pretty ok. I feel pretty exhausted, and pretty out of focus because of it. I guess it's just one of those times stress and sadness are getting to me.

But I had a pretty good time in my games today, and I guess that is something. And so I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4756 (V:480) - 7/9 - Maybe sick

Today I am maybe sick. I'm congested and a bit sneezy. I'm pretty tired feeling too, but it's tough to tell if that is more or less than usual because I'm tired so often lately.

I guess in good news the library will be opening 3 hours earlier starting next week. I say I guess because it really doesn't change much since I started hanging out outside just across the grass field. I could just as easily be there since it's summer. Though today it got pretty hot, and it was pushing near 90F when I went in. So in these super hot days that would help in temperature, but for eating that would push lunch to 9:30, or I'd have to pack it up and take it downstairs outside. Which again, it feels like it might just be easier to stay outside. But as with everything I will just have to adapt and see how it goes, and see how I feel about things, in the coming days.

Today was a bit weird as the outside bathroom was locked in the morning. So what would have been a morning shave turned into one around 12:30, where I was worried people might come in and interrupt things. I guess it worked out ok, no one came in, but I felt like I had to rush.

I am congested and sneezy, extremely tired, sad the connection started getting bad and started cutting things off an hour early, but as always, all I can do is try my best one day at a time. And hopefully with these very small steps I can eventually make it through to better days.

Day 4757 (V:481) - 7/10 - Very hungry

Today I am very hungry, but barely eating. I think maybe my body wants things I can't have. I barely touched lunch chicken and chips, yet I was extremely hungry and didn't feel filled even when I felt full after eating.

I guess the day was ok. I had a few chances for fancy raids, but didn't get anything I needed. Though I did have a good time with my game things that I did.

Maybe with more things opening I can find something affordable my tummy would be happy eating and get some of the things I've been missing. But until I find them, all I can do is try to hang on.

Day 4758 (V:482) - 7/11 - Outside day

Today felt weird for some reason. I was outside all day because the library is closed on Sundays, but I've been outside in that spot like 10 months now. For some reason it felt odd today, like it was something different.

I guess for what my sad life is though, today was pretty good. I had a good time in my games. I even got a chance for a fancy raid and got a couple of things I needed. I only need one more thing before a big goal is complete.

I feel both happy and sad. I did laugh a few times today, but I always feel very sad that my life is what it has become. And I fear both loss of what little remains, and lingering health issues or things lost during this time, that I may never get back. I continue to try to hang on as best as I can though. There is so little I can change, especially these days.

Day 4759 (V:483) - 7/12 - Almost all inside

Today almost all of my 'day' part of my day was inside. It was... odd. I guess in a way it felt like the old days, but it kind of messed with my timing since I went in three hours early.

I guess I had a good time in my games. Though I really only did my MMO. Again, being off on timing threw me off on many things. I'm even rushing to finish this now before needing to leave the library to try and get it posted. It may have to get posted much later than usual.

I guess the day was ok though all things considered. Though I feel a bit weird with the shift, I hope I'll get used to it pretty quickly as it is basically my old schedule.

Day 4760 (V:484) - 7/13 - Unknown extended Tuesday

Today I don't know what to expect. I'll have the extra hours inside instead of outside, but I'm not sure anything will really be different other than that. At least it's pretty quiet and not many know about the earlier hours, at least not yet.

Year 14 is only beginning, but we still seem very far from the ways of the before world. And I still feel further than ever from being back in a home with a normal life.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2021
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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