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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 653

Day 4565 (V:289) - 12/30 - Unknown topic

Today I don't know what to talk about. It was a pretty regular day. It was super cold until about noon, with the temperature being about 45F. The connection was stable and solid, so that was good. A few people came by, but turned before coming down my way. At least the adults did. A couple of little ones went past me, which honestly I worry about more. The daily walker is seemingly back. She doesn't seem to have a regular time now, but she had stopped coming for what felt like months.

I saw someone yesterday at the food store I haven't seen in a while. He was a TA for the lead writing professor. When that professor left he joined my professor for a quarter. I guess it's been two years since he moved to L.A. He is probably just about now finishing a four year degree, but I'm sure he's 'living the dream' down there. I've always thought I should move down there. Half for the warmth, but half to be around creative people. At this point I doubt I'd find friends, let alone work in a career there, since more than anywhere else it's a place you need to have connections.

But I'm glad for him. He didn't really seem interested in talking. And I suppose in all honesty in the four years I knew him at school he was never what I'd call overly friendly towards me. But he looked good. He wasn't hunched over like he used to be. He seemed like he was happier and lighter of spirit. He even looked like he's lost some weight around his waist. I'm glad he seemed to be doing well; especially since I'm pretty sure he's only nearing his late 20s.

I likely will never be able to 'live my best life' like he may be doing. Not without a bunch of money so I can suddenly do something like become a producer. And with how few seem interested in being around me, I doubt I will ever be able to make a network without people having a reason to interact with me. So I'm glad to see someone who I knew seemingly is doing well in life. (Especially since I think he had diagnosed depression as well as a few other things.)

I guess today wasn't terrible. I did get another gift, so that was nice. I am worried for tomorrow and the next day, as they are days people aren't likely to go out. But it is what it is. I can't control others. But I continue to try my best to hang on. And hopefully someday I can make it to better days.

Day 4566 (V:290) - 12/31 - Actually normal

Today was actually normal. It was a pretty slow start, but by noon there was an almost normal crowd. I suspect that was because, to my surprise, the library was open. I guess Tomorrow should be pretty easy. Though there is still tonight to get through, which I expect should be quiet and calm, but you never know with how weird things are lately.

I guess it was a good day, though it was again very cold. It peaked at 45F, and last night I heard rain. I had a pretty bad dream in the early morning, so that didn't help. But the day passed quickly and easily enough, so I suppose that's something.

As this calendar year comes to a close I suppose there isn't much to say. Things are worse than ever before for me, and as always there seems to be nothing I can do to influence the outcome. But I have gifts this year, a bit of money for bills, a new system to play games on, so I seem more ready for being ok in the future. I just have to keep hanging on until opportunity can come again.

Hopefully soon things will be better. And hopefully this next year will be better for everyone.

Day 4567 (V:291) - 1/1/21 - Bite or sliver

Today my index finger on my right hand has been bugging me a bit. I noticed last night at some point it must have gotten poked by something. From the last knuckle forward it's red on top and maybe 15% more swollen compared to the left. I can feel the swollen parts down to my second knuckle if I curl my finger. I guess it's ok. It doesn't really hurt too much. Hopefully it will heal quickly from whatever it is and not get worse.

Today is the first day of the new year, but like all my other homeless years it really is just another day for me. As I expected it was pretty dead all day, and from the afternoon on there was a light crowd.

It's late afternoon, but I expect things will be fine, a slow normal. I don't know what the evening will hold, let alone the next year, but I continue to try to hang on until better days.

Day 4568 (V:292) - 1/2 - Struggling groups

Today in my MMO there were struggling groups for some dungeons I did. I spent more than two hours struggling through content they couldn't finish, when both should have been finished in half that time. I guess in the grand scheme of things it's fine and will be forgotten quickly enough, but it does mean I spent all day in my MMO instead of breaking out and doing other things for the last 2-3 hours of my day.

It looks like the second stimulus came and shows pending, so I can go through and finalize my plan. I'm pretty sure it covers the remaining total for car insurance (to October when it starts again), car registration and smog if needed (I keep hoping it's old enough to not need to do that), the car insurance membership, and I think a little bit more. I'll have to check to be sure. If there is 'extra' I'd like to do things like get a new backup disk (video footage I've recently done is eating 65 gig just so far) and new boots would be great since I'm on an old backup pair.

So today wasn't great. It wasn't what I expected. But it's fine I guess, and it was ok overall. For the moment I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4569 (V:293) - 1/3 - Feeling broken

Today I feel pretty broken. I must have a cold again, as I've been sneezing a few times a day for a few days, my lungs feel congested, and my ears are ringing. I'm veeery sleepy and extra hungry too, but there is a chance that is due to lost sleep from activities keeping me up on new years.

My finger bump is still just as bad. It might even be a touch worse feeling, as the swollen bit looks more swollen. Inside it doesn't feel so bad, as the tendon and second joint feel better than before.

Someone mentioned my domain was down. Researching things looked odd, as the regular person domain was still up, and both emails seem fine. So it seems like the pointer for the domain just stopped working for some unknown reason. I'd guess it was a change on the 1st, something server side that the domain wasn't flagged for. I had to spend more than an hour talking to support to try and fix it, but since I needed to go offline I couldn't verify if it was fixed.

So today emotionally I feel kind of broken. I'm probably sick. My finger still hurts. My lips feel torn up, likely due to the aluminum cans I usually drink from. And my domain is down. I guess though it was an ok day other than that. It was cold, but not unbearably so. I played my games, and though I wasn't 'feeling it' for my shooter, I did get some progress in my MMO, so that was something. And I suppose most importantly these days, I survived the day. And in these uncertain times, especially for me, that's something.

Day 4570 (V:294) - 1/4 - Gray and not gray

Today has been an odd mix of weather. It started raining quite a bit last night, was clear when I got up and moved, then started raining a bit more a few hours after I'd settled at my library spot. It stopped and became sunny and clear for a while, but now it looks like it's going to rain again.

My finger is still swollen and the red part is still very red. I don't think it's getting worse, but it doesn't seem to be getting better very quickly.

The day feels calm, and I suppose oddly hopeful. I think that just has to do with the weather. Like right now as I've written a bit the sun is out again and warming things a bit. So I think the back and forth of the gray and sun makes me feel like change, and a sort of clean cycle.

I guess today has been ok. I started with about 2 hours to tech support to still try and fix my domain. I guess the previous fix didn't help, though it seems sorted now. Things still seem pretty terrible, but they don't really feel worse than before. And with these days being about hanging on more than anything else, I suppose that is something.

Day 4571 (V:295) - 1/5 - Tired

Today hopefully I'll feel better. I've been so very exhausted feeling lately. My food money will cycle tomorrow, so maybe I'll get a bit extra and eat more than normal. Sometimes that helps when I'm very tired.

I don't know what else to say for today other than I hope I continue to hang on. And hopefully we can all make it to better days.

Week 654

Day 4572 (V:296) - 1/6 - Maybe an anaphylactic reaction

Today I have the worst allergic reaction in my life. I was granted a few days in the ex-garage again, but needed to go out to get food. So since it was super cold, I put on a warm wool hat I found maybe a week ago. It's pretty itchy, so previously I'd only worn it a few days (and had no issue for hours.) But today after I got back after only wearing it about an hour, very suddenly my lips and kind of my face started to feel swollen. I rapidly got pretty itchy all over, most intensely on my arms and legs. I started wheezing heavily and had an extremely high heart rate. I felt pretty bad all over and was very worried. After about 30 minutes things seemed settled to a point where I was just a little bit wheezy and most other symptoms had completely subsided.

I don't know if the second event was related, but about two hours later I started to feel extremely cold and kind of faint. I laid down and bundled up as best as I could, and after about a 30 minute nap felt fine again.

After my nap, and now some 6 hours later, I feel basically my homeless normal. I'm still not sure what triggered the event, but it had to be the hat. I hadn't eaten anything since getting up, so it couldnt have been a food reaction. (And I've never had food allergies before.) And my face and lips being affected first would be logical with a reaction to the hat, since that and my lips would be the first affected due to proximity.

Needless to say I tossed the hat off my head when the attack first started. It's now in a bag, and I'll put it back where I found it. Maybe the owner will pass by and see it and be happy. (Though it had been in the spot I found it several days before claiming it.)

Hopefully everything is fine and I won't have a reaction like that again. I've never had anything ever close to that, especially one that escalated that rapidly. But I can be in the ex-garage a few more days, so that will definitely help recovery if there are any lingering unseen issues.

Day 4573 (V:297) - 1/7 - Forgotten writing

Today I forgot to write until now, just 'before bed'. I had my stream I watched, so things were normal in the morning. But then I had some video editing to do, so that ate up about 2 hours or a bit more. Which jumbled up my afternoon a bit. It was fine; nothing was really thrown off, just different.

I don't know if it's something to be concerned about, maybe just an effect left over from the allergic attack, but my pee seems different looking. I'll keep my eye on it, especially since I think it might be a bad sign, but it kind of seemed more orange in color, and a bit less water like. Which might be a sign of blood, which would be bad, so I'll watch out. I am eating a touch differently in my time here in the ex-garage, so it may be due to that too.

Today was pretty good, though through much of it I felt cold. And my back is hurting quite a bit too. Weird how a more comfortable spot causes back issues. If it weren't so cold I could maybe set up some chairs and try and sit up proper. With it being so cold there really won't be a way to do that and bundle up. Of course, I always hope things will get better and I'll be in a home again.

But today was a better day. And I had much more time with my system and being online. And though it may have actually been a touch colder, I was able to bundle up and be more comfortable. And that is something.

Day 4574 (V:298) - 1/8 - Mostly recovered finger

Today my finger finally seems to be mostly recovered. There isn't any more swelling close to the second knuckle, and the swelling around the first seems almost gone. My pee still seems an unusually dark orange color for me, but I'm still taking extra medicine and eating the same foods as the past few days, so that isn't overly concerning.

It was pretty cold today, between 40-50F most of the day. I still have time in the ex-garage, and I got to do a laundry, so it's a better day than most.

For now I continue to try my best to try and stay calm and relax, and try not to worry about all the terrible things in my life. And I continue to hope I make it through to better days.

Day 4575 (V:299) - 1/9 - Special dinner and a show

Today I celebrated a little, sort of, just because. I picked up some shows I had waiting at the library to watch and I got some special food on the way. Long ago, in the before time when I was in a home, I would often do a bit of a special dinner and watch something on Saturday nights. Today was a far cry from the comforts that I used to have, but it was more than the nothing I usually have these days.

I was still in the ex-garage, which was nice, yet a bit cold. So overall today was better than most. But, as always, all I can do is try my best to hang on. And hopefully I will make it through to better days.

Day 4576 (V:300) - 1/10 - Out again

Today I am out again. My brief vacation time over. Back to a sad homeless life. In a way it kind of feels better to be outside. I have the sun on me, with fresh air. While the ex-garage is calm, quiet, private, and safe, it doesn't get any sun. And it resists warming, so in these colder times it's more like a fridge. It could be too that it feels better outside because it seems to be warmer than before, possibly a sign of hope that winter won't be as long or as cold this year.

I guess today is ok. But all in all it seems like just another homeless day in a long line of unchanging days with an uncertain future.

Day 4577 (V:301) - 1/11 - Dehydrated color

Today isn't so bad so far. The weather is indeed turning a bit warmer. According to the forecast it should be 5-10F warmer in a few days. I don't know if that is temporary or if it's winter ending early. I hope it is that we are coming out of winter early. So often these past years they have run long. And with nowhere inside to be seemingly opening anytime soon it would be bad to have a longer winter.

I checked my pee color online and I was wrong about it. I guess the color I have is more often associated with being dehydrated. Which with everything going on doesn't surprise me. Earlier in the year I was almost quitting soda, but now that winter has come it's almost unavoidable. It resists the cold far more than water, and I hate the cold, especially cold drinks in cold weather. So I'm drinking almost no water lately. I got a sport drink today and I'm trying to have some water, so today the color looks a lot closer to my normal color.

My back hurts a bit, but I haven't been too cold today. My finger is almost completely not swollen now. Though now it has an odd red ring with a white area in the middle. It looks more like a small circle of bruising.

I did spend time switching to a new car mirror yesterday. It took over an hour because of the angle of the screws. I had to basically tear the side paneling half way off to be able to get an angle to undo the screws. It went back in place ok enough, but there were some weird metal bits along the window edge and two of the four fell off. I have no idea what they were for, and they didn't attach to anything I could see. But now there will be no obvious reasons for anyone to pull me over, so I guess that's a relief.

I guess today wasn't too bad. Sadly there is no good news to report, but I guess there's also nothing bad. And these days I guess that's something.

Day 4578 (V:302) - 1/12 - Another year

Today closes the first week of yet another new calendar year of being homeless. The last has pretty much been the worst, and I am very thankful I still have enough support to have gotten through physically and emotionally. Though it seems we are still a long way off from things being 'back to normal' from the virus, I always hope this is the calendar year I will return to at least some kind of life in a home. Though I still feel so much has been lost along the way I will never truly be whole again.

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