Week 647
Day 4523 (V:247) - 11/18 - Dizzy spell
Today had a very strange and worrisome event. I was sitting and playing my games as I try to do lately to try and self comfort, when out of nowhere for seemingly no reason I got extremely dizzy. My view literally was spinning. And while I knew I wasn't moving, it felt like I was falling over (to my left, counter clockwise spin) or absolutely would if I tried to get up.
I was thinking about stressful things. I had been, and still am, extra depressed today. But really my day was no different than any other. So I really have no idea why I would suddenly be dizzy.
I guess the dizzy spell passed quickly enough. It was probably just a couple of minutes really, and it hasn't happened since then. But it still got me very worried, and I suppose I still am. I knew laying down wouldn't alleviate the issue, so I was very worried about what I'd do if it continued.
I guess the day was ok, for what it could be. I've actually felt just slightly better lately, enough to update my site, which I guess looks like it hasn't been done in about six months. So I guess that is an indication things maybe aren't quite as bad as they've been.
I did get a super yummy pizza gift card today. So that is something very yummy to look forward to. But I am still extremely worried about the bills, as there are still important ones coming very soon I can't pay. 
And I don't know what to do.
I guess, as always, all I can do is try my best to hang on. And I hope that generous and caring people send help in time.
Day 4524 (V:248) - 11/19 - Until the lights came on
Today I stayed outside the library until the evening lights came on. If it were warm I'd have even stayed an hour longer. I don't know if I'll stay as late as I did very often because it's starting to get very cold after dark and remain so until late morning.
I guess I had an ok day. I had fun with stuff, but I can't help but still feel sad about everything. I did an update to my system recommendations and I was very sad to see one page hadn't been updated in six months, another even longer. In a home where I'm comfortable and not as stressed I'd be updating those pages about every month. And do a big check at the end of the year for outdated sections. But with everything going on, especially times like this which seems no one cares about me, it is very difficult to find motivation and be in a decent mood to do it, even though I may be helping people by doing so.
There were no donations today, so I'm still getting ever more worried about bills. But all I can do is continue to try to hang on.
Day 4525 (V:249) - 11/20 - Feel better, feel worse
Today I feel a bit better and a bit worse at the same time. I feel a bit better maybe emotionally. I have all my sads and worries, but they don't seem to bother me as much today. And I sort of feel a bit better physically, but I also feel a bit worse physically because my ears have been ringing, my eyes feel like they are being smooshed into my head, and I've had a horrible headache all day.
Last night I cried quite a bit. I again thought of the kitty I had to put outside so many years ago. I don't think I'll ever forget seeing her crying outside in her cat house on the porch when it was raining. I still remember she purred when I pet her, but she was so sad she didn't move. It breaks my heart every time I remember it. I remember she made my allergies so bad my eyes would almost swell shut. In the years she was with me I'd grown more allergic. But was it really so bad? Was it really so often? Could I not have found pills to take? She loved me so much and I put her out (because she was an ex-es cat and we'd broken up.) Today me would do everything to keep her, especially since she was 9 and didn't have many years left. And I have to try my best to forgive past me, because I don't remember the pain I was in that led me to that decision. I have to try, but I don't know if I ever can.
Today was a bit extra rough because the stream I watch was celebrating something and lots of people decided to get pizza. Even though someone sent me a gift card for pizza I have to save it. I should wait for something I'm celebrating when I feel good, or save it for a special occasion (like Xmas is coming up), especially if that occasion involves food places having reduced hours, or for a time when I'm very sad, or very hungry. It's the only special food gift card I have left really. And I suppose more importantly, being the end of the year, I suppose there is always a change my food stamps may not get approved for renewal. So I'll be very stressed about that until sometime between December 5th and the 10th when they usually do the renewal call.
But it's night now, and I suppose I survived another day. Though I continue to be more worried about bills the more days that pass that they are unpaid. And I constantly grow more worried, for many reasons, that I may meet my end.
Day 4526 (V:250) - 11/21 - Picture day
Today was apparently picture day outside of the library. I didn't know why, but from probably 11 AM on it was almost constantly busy with people taking pictures and videos of each other. Some even in more formal, or outfit looking, attire.
I got a good sized donation so that will be very helpful. I won't have to worry about being late with the insurance payment at least. There are still big bills in just about a month, just four weeks away, which I'm sure will fly by. So I'm still very worried about that. But I am trying to hold on to hope help will come around Thanksgiving.
I guess today was reasonably ok. It wasn't so cold I couldn't be out, but the only time I was even remotely warm was when moving my car to the evening spot and blasting my heat.
I hung on ok today I suppose, but I am still very worried about bills, still miss all the base comforts of a home, and continue to try to stay hopeful that help will come in time.
Day 4527 (V:251) - 11/22 - Picture day, part 2
Today was pretty busy outside the library from about 11 on. Again there were a ton of people taking pictures, many of which were again in what looked like celebration cloths. But it's strange because it's not one group of people. The ones dressed seem to be Asian women and (east) Indian women. I suppose it's possible both have a holiday that falls on this weekend, but I can't think of any my Chinese relatives would celebrate now. And I really don't know any Indian festivals save for Diwali, which I think is closer to October?
I was super cold today. I had my gloves on for about the first hour I was out, and even would have kept them on if it weren't so difficult to use mouse and keyboard with them on. I had hopes of warming up finally during the blinding hour when I barely started to warm as the sun came up onto my body. But sadly there were rain clouds, and they covered the sun, and within about 5 minutes of losing light I quickly got as cold as I was earlier.
No donations today, so I still worry about the bills. I don't feel great still. My ears are still ringing, I have a bit of a headache, and my eyes hurt just a bit. But I guess I had as ok of a time as I could, all things considered. And I survived the day, so I continue to try my best to hang on. And hopefully help and donations will come in time.
Day 4528 (V:252) - 11/23 - Small bill paid
Today because of the recent donation and monthly help from a friend, I paid a smaller bill. So that is good. It's a monthly bill though, so it will come back around quickly enough.
The day was relatively quiet and calm. It was just a teeny bit warmer than the past few days, as it looked like it rained last night just a touch, leaving behind just enough cloud cover to trap in a bit of warmth. It's evening now and the clouds seem gone, so I don't suppose we'll see rain again and it will go back to being colder.
Someone showed up at the plug outside the library nearish to me during the blinding hour. I told them about the plug around the corner, where there wouldn't be blinding sun. They looked at me like they were going to get up and come fight me, and at the same time, so totally confused that I wondered if they spoke English. They settled in and were constantly mumbling. I hope I never see them again. Both because I hope they have somewhere safe to be, and because I always worry that more people showing up might attract more attention.
I did pay one bill today, so I feel a bit better. But still being what feels like an impossible amount away from the bigger bills I still worry. (Though to be safe I really only would need $250, which isn't that much to most normal people, especially if that total is split between several people.) But all I can do is try to continue to hang on as best as I can, and hope enough help and donations come in the next few weeks.
Day 4529 (V:253) - 11/24 - Another predicted day
Today is another predicted day. I expect it will be colder than Monday, which will be sad. Though I have some cheese to eat, which I guess is something. I haven't had any in probably months. Normally I would have some every two or three days, but without being able to micro I can't have my normal foods. With the world effectively being a fridge for the next few months I have the option to get a block. I got a little one on sale for $2, so that is a super cheap food for a few meals.
I don't know what to expect for today. Even more so what to expect for Thursday or Friday. More than ever things will be closed, so I will likely have to be extra cautious being out, as it will likely seem very suspicious.
But, as always, it seems all I can do is try my best to hang on, and try not to be too sad or worry about what I can't control. And hope that help for the bills will come soon.
Week 648
Day 4530 (V:254) - 11/25 - Tired, cold
Today I am pretty tired and pretty cold. I was chilly all day and never really warmed up much. I suppose though it wasn't really unbearably cold. It is supposed to get colder pretty quickly, so I think what little extra warmth I have will rapidly be gone.
A friend sent some help, so that is super good. If I burn everything I have saved I nearly have enough to pay the big bill in a few weeks. And, by then more help will come from some monthly help, so I could use half of that and have enough. Though that would take everything I have, making me short for another bill, so I do still need help. Hopefully dad's money will come. I sent him an e-card and let him know everything is terrible, so maybe that will at least influence if he sends cash instead of a gift card.
My back is killing me again from extra stress lately. Hopefully more help will come and I can try to relax a bit. But, as always, all I can do is try to hang on, and hope help comes in time.
Day 4531 (V:255) - 11/26 - Unusually busy
Today outside the library was unusually busy. It was dead when I got there, as I expected, but within a couple of hours for whatever reason it got very busy. The crowd ramped up more and more, and by the early afternoon it was just as busy as it would be on any other weekend day the library was open.
I did leave not too long after that though. I am spending a few hours in the ex-garage and the ex-roomie brought me out some turkey day foods, so that was super nice. 
It was also super sad, as it always is, to have the nice thing, to be near my stuff, and to remember what a regular life is like, only to lose it again.
I was extremely sad about the bills too. Unfortunately dad sent a gift card again, putting me further back from my estimated amount I'd have for bills, as this is the second gift money time he's done that in a row. I did get some unexpected help from a friend yesterday, so if I 100% burn out and don't pay car insurance until maybe later in December after more gift money comes, I can pay the big bill on time in mid-December. But that puts me in a bad position. So I am still very worried about the bills.
It's even worse today because there is a game sale going on. There are two single player games on my wish list I'd love to get, one at $16, and one at $24, both down from a usual price closer to $60. So not only am I sad I can't pay bills, but I'm also very sad that I'm missing out on some amazing sales.
But as always, I can't control what I can't control. My life is spinning out of control, and all I can do is try my best to not get sick and try to hang on. And hopefully help will come soon.
Day 4532 (V:256) - 11/27 - Weekend day like
Today it felt like a regular weekend day. But that's strange, because it's not. I suppose it's an extra weekend-like day, in that it's part of a 'long weekend'. But from about 11 on I stopped worrying about how dead it felt, as again the 'weekend crowd' quickly showed up and the area was very active after that. It was a touch chilly in the morning. I don't think my hands have ever not felt chilled today, but it wasn't so bad as to be uncomfortable. In fact, if it weren't for a breeze it might have even been warmer today.
But today I am really extremely sad. I started the day feeling very much like an outsider. I'm one of only a few I know in the area with nowhere to be. And even of the few other homeless I know, most of them have at least a temporary place to be on holidays.
i do suppose I did have that yesterday, but now I am again rapidly turned back to my terrible homeless life which has nearly nothing.
I may feel a touch better tomorrow, as the library has something on hold for me to watch. So I can at least be distracted and feel like my life is still going on, that I can still take part in new and different things for me, and I'm not stuck stagnating.
But really today all I have felt is extreme worry about the bills, profound loneliness, deeply unwanted, uncared for, mostly in the sense that no one really bothers to know me, and fearful of my future.
But there are people who do care, as few as they are. And I have survived cold lonely winters while homeless before. And I suppose, above all else, I have no choice but to continue on and try my best until help and opportunity come along.
Day 4533 (V:257) - 11/28 - Chilly, then passable
Today was pretty chilly. Even though it was very difficult to do anything with my gloves on I kept them on until nearly noon. Though I didn't really get any kind of real warmth until the blinding hour. By about 3:30 the blinding hour had passed, and the sun was behind some trees again, so I started to get chilly and put my gloves on again.
I guess all in all the day was passable. I got what felt like ok progress on my games and nothing happened to upset or sadden me. Though at several points during the day I did think about how much more I'd be enjoying the day if I were in a home doing the same things. Just to be warm, able to pee, get a snack, not worry about people coming by, would greatly improve my mood and day. But I don't have that, and with everything going on that seems less and less attainable than ever.
But I try to continue to do what I can to stay happy. I try my best to stay warm and stay safe. And all I can do is try to hang on and hope that help comes in time.
Day 4534 (V:258) - 11/29 - Small pockets
Today I am wearing my new pants I got when the store I sat in front of was having the closing sale. I think they were normally about $40, but after the sale price reduction they were $5. I don't know that they are a whole lot better than the normal jeans I wear that cost $25 though. They feel maybe a bit more sturdy, but that might be because of the newness.
They have strangely small pockets though. I guess shallow would be more accurate to say. I'd say they seem to be about 75% as deep as normal pockets. I guess I don't need deep pockets, as my wallet and phone fit fine, but it's kind of odd.
I guess today was ok. It was chilly at first, but I warmed a tiny bit during the blinding hour. I felt both deeply sad, and I suppose, a bit better than normal. My mind is still thinking about being in a home. So, that is super sad. And a little nothing video I posted yesterday has gotten 65 views, meanwhile my video version of my podcast has gotten like 3 in that same time. And the previous ones only have 5, except for one which has 10. So it does seem sad people 'care more' about the little nothing videos than the ones I 'put effort into'. It again makes me feel like I'll never recover because the things I care about and put effort into aren't things people seem to care about at all.
I guess though so far today I felt ok. Though the connection was unstable in the earlier part of the day, so I only did about half of what I expected to in my MMO. But I guess it really doesn't matter, as the progression I'm working on is 'just in case', so it's date I'd want it completed by is likely after I'm stable in a home again. But there was no help for bills today, so I am still very sad and worried about that. And it's not even fully dark yet, so there are still about three more hours left today that I will be a bit worried.
But, as usual, all I can really do is try to let what I can't control go, which is most things. Hope that help for bills come before it's too late. And try to continue to do my best to hang on.
Day 4535 (V:259) - 11/30 - Probably food poisoning
Today was kind of bad. I was interrupted shortly after lunch with an emergency level of need to go to the bathroom. My tummy also felt like someone had punched it, and I felt a touch dizzy. I think it was bad lunchmeat and a mile case of food poisoning. It's 'dinner time' now and I'm feeling much better. Though I don't expect I'll have any more lunch meat and just toss that last meal worth, just in case. I have plenty of chips and cereal to hold me over, so I'll just do that and probably get salad to help calm things tomorrow. While I do feel mostly better now, I only feel like I have about half my normal appetite, so I expect that just having snacks will be fine.
There was also very sad news about the streamer. Apparently his dad, who he was super close with, passed sometime in the early AM my time. It was sudden and unexpected as he was healthy and planning his retirement. Their only guess is it was an unexpected fatal heart attack. That is a terrible loss for him and I'm very sad for him.
I guess today was ok though. Because of the mid day drive I got warmed up a bit. The connection was solid all day, so I did what I expected/hoped. And though I still feel a bit sick, I was healthy enough for today.
I am still extremely worried about the bills, very worried that I am in a high risk category for my own sudden fatal heart attack, and increasingly worried about everything. Things don't seem great for recovery, especially with everything going on and my state headed into tighter lockdown again. (Though the changes really are only to the number of people who can go inside stores, and their hours, so the changes shouldn't affect me.)
But, as always, all I can really do is continue to try to hang on.
Day 4536 (V:260) - 12/1 - Yearly call
Today I am pretty worried about my yearly benefits call. I'm not worried in the 'what will be asked' sense, as I always just say "no change" and "zero" a bunch of times. I'm worried because I don't know what exactly qualifies or would disqualify me. I'm pretty sure I'm only qualifying because I'm homeless. I've gotten notice that due to my age, and lack of any medical conditions, without working 20 hours or more a week I shouldn't be getting benefits. But I always get so worried and nervous that I feel like I'm going to throw up. Because if I'm denied, that's it. I won't have any way to buy food, and no way to get any money to do so. All I can do is hope it goes ok, hope I continue to qualify as long as I need it, and more than ever this year that they are understanding.
As always though, I have no control over anything. All I can do is answer the questions during the call and hope I qualify. Hopefully I will continue to, as that will calm my nerves quite a bit. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until help for the bills come, and I make it to better days.
