Week 655
Day 4579 (V:303) - 1/13 - End of the pee saga
Today marks the end of the pee saga. It is fully back to regular color. I suppose there really wasn't any reason for me to be worried, but I've never seen it that orange before. The only other time it was close was a few years ago when I started blood pressure meds and discovered the dosage was off and it was damaging my liver.
I guess today was ok. It was really chilly in the morning, but by the afternoon I actually started to feel like maybe I had too much on. So hopefully this is a good sign we are indeed moving out of winter. Last night was a different story though. From the afternoon until it got dark it was deeply gray as if it would rain again soon. Today there is zero sign of rain.
The connection was a bit laggy a few times, but overall solid and I had fun with my games. I got kind of upset at my shooter though. It's again at a place where I don't feel like I'm getting anything for my time. The rewards I'm getting are few and take forever to get, and really will just be taken away by a season reset in a month. I know every few cycles I question if I should just stop playing entirely, but there really isn't a better shooter that lots of others are playing. My new one I'm hoping will be great was delayed until April, so that is worrying. There will be a demo out at the end of next month, so I'll get a sneak peek then.
My mid and lower back are hurting quite a bit today, but overall it was a pretty good day. I didn't feel too sad or too hopeless, so I guess that is something.
Day 4580 (V:304) - 1/14 - A brief vacation again
Today I was granted another brief vacation. I can be in the ex-garage today and Friday. I got to rest, play my games, and got a special dinner. I also am watching a show live I haven't seen in pretty much a year since I can't normally be online at this time.
I'm a bit congested, my back hurts, but overall I guess I'm ok. I still worry and feel sad about being homeless. And still wonder if I will ever been in a room again, let alone a home. And if I still have time, will I have opportunity to find friends to do things with again. For the moment, all I can do is continue to hang on.
Day 4581 (V:305) - 1/15 - Feeling pretty sad
Today I am feeling pretty sad about my homeless life. I am still in the ex-garage, but again today seems like there are more reminders that this is not a regular life. This is not even the 'normal' that my life is now. I am struggling. I am forgetting. And above all it feels like all I can do is my best to 'react' to things happening now. Not plan. Not remember. Just try to react to how I remember I used to react once upon a time when I did live in a home.
I am very glad I have what I have left. I have my new laptop. I have some games. And with that I am in a good position to distract myself.
And hopefully I can hang on to enough of me to put myself back together... if I can ever get back into a home.
Day 4582 (V:306) - 1/16 - Out and sad again
Today my mini vacation is over. When it was time to go I started feeling very shaky and very sad. I cried just a little. 
It is always very sad to be reminded of my sad homeless life, as if I'm being newly put out all over again.
I feel a touch better now (after a few hours). It's a nice warm day and I actually have my hoodie off for the first time in months.
I still feel very sad and very heartbroken. My life is what it is though. I can't control that. All I can do is try to hang on and make the most of what I have.
Day 4583 (V:307) - 1/17 - Should be happy, but can't be
Today there were several reasons I should be happy. The day was bright and warm. I had my new laptop to play and do things outside the library. And I was relatively alone in the spot.
But for about a week now I've felt very shakey again. My mind obsesses over my mortality, various ways I could die, and how much sooner than my remaining years my life will be cut short. I'm not as bad as my worst times, but my nervous shake is back, and I feel very shaky and unstable inside. I feel on the verge of tears and breaking down nearly every minute of every day now. Even the few things I have that 'should be certain' are not guaranteed in any way, so any attempt to find comfort or feel safe and secure is always met with skepticism and fear, if even just in the back of my mind. And at the worst times, fear and obsessive thoughts about how I may lose those few remaining things.
I am barely hanging on during the 'best days', like today. And while I may look and sound fine 'on the outside', on the inside I feel hollow, shaken, and like I am so fragile emotionally and physically that my shaking will simply end me at any given moment.
Day 4584 (V:308) - 1/18 - Still worried
Today I am still very worried about everything. It is a nice warm day though, currently showing 75F, and my hoodie is off. I am still worried about my life expectancy in general, but today it seems my mind is focusing on food and nutritional health. The longer things stay closed the more I become worried about permanent, and in some ways immediate, health issues. Without at least being able to microwave stuff I'm eating the same things over and over. And while nothing super bad seems to have happened yet, my body is showing signs it can handle those foods less and less. Now there is pretty much a 50/50 shot that any food I get will end badly, even the ones I previously knew to be ok.
Overall I still feel extremely shaken. My mind still seems focused on my mortality and uncertain future, with more feelings I am closer to my end than not. And I still feel like I will break apart and start uncontroably crying at any minute.
Day 4585 (V:309) - 1/19 - Possibly another vacation
Today I am possibly on another vacation. I got word later in the day yesterday I should be able to have a few more days in the ex-garage. Hopefully that will help settle my nerves. I think all the news about the new virus strain, and less news about vaccines and cures going out, has been the trigger to skew my thoughts into obsessing on negative things.
As always it seems all I can do is try to stay hopeful. Try my best to hang on physically. And above all, try my best to hang on emotionally.
Week 656
Day 4586 (V:310) - 1/20 - Not vacation
Today, and yesterday, it turns out I did not get vacation time. I am out in my regular homeless life. Though lately it hasn't been as regular, as my health continues to fade, and as part of that I become more shaken feeling, more worried, and jump at everything.
My finger is having issues again. A few days ago there was some bruising type scaring on the side and top. Figuring that might be connected to the material my body needs to get rid of I peeled and poked at it. It's torn off about a 1/2" x 1/4" layer of flesh in that area. While it doesn't look as terrible as it sounds, it is definitely a sensitive area that would be nice to bandage up. I suppose I should get some, as they tend to be pretty cheap, and I only have a few left so I didn't do it this morning.
We finally have a new president. The rude arrogant tyrant who was in power is finally gone. Hopefully for good. So hopefully that is something. The new vice president is a refreshing change and hopefully she will be a positive voice of change putting us back on track after having been thrown off track by the tyrant.
I am tempted to say it was a good day. And I suppose it wouldn't be inaccurate to say it wasn't in part. The gardener at the library who I thought didn't like me gave a polite 'hey' wave then went back the other way when he came near with his blower. (Though why he doesn't walk past me with it off to do the corridor on the other side of me is beyond me. That's a big probably 30' stretch left undone.) The weather was fairly warm from about 11 on. I was even tempted to take off my hoodie, but where I was sitting was borderline warm enough and too cold. And I got to play my games. Though there wasn't much real progress to speak of, I had a good time. And the little progress I had will be there when I need it. I watched the stream I normally watch and it was kind of extra funny today, so that was something too I suppose.
But under it all I was still a terrible mess. Inside I feel like a terribly scared shaking bunny on the verge of both tears and having a major panic attack if the slightest thing goes wrong. Some previously stable things have become unstable, and any time that happens, even on the smallest scale, it feels like my entire world is reset to uncertainty.
As always all it seems I can do is try my best to hang on with what I have. Try to hope what is, or even just feels unstable will restabalize and not be an issue. And hopefully I can at least feel a bit more stable soon. And hopefully I can hang on long enough to make it to better days.
Day 4587 (V:311) - 1/21 - Gray sky, gray feelings
Today I feel pretty down. I'm exhausted from lost sleep, on top of my exhaustion I already have. I feel pretty sad and down in general; very unloved and alone. I got something different to eat that I rarely get and it hasn't helped much, if at all.
The sky is a dark gray as well, looking heavily like rain, bringing a return of cold weather. I hope that is temporary, as it was almost returning to warmer weather the past few days.
I hope my sad feelings go back to normal soon. I can't let things become too sad feeling, as I'm barely hanging on these days even with my normal levels of sad. As always it feels like my life and everything is out of control. I try to find comfort where and how I can, but with everything feel more unpredictable than ever it is extremely difficult these days.
Day 4588 (V:312) - 1/22 - Rain and cold
Today it was very cold and it rained almost all day. In the morning I got a bit worried, as there was a brief sprinkle onto my area and my laptop due to a burst of wind. I was very worried I'd have to pack up and at least go across the street to my car until it lightened up. But it only happened that one time, and after moving my laptop closer to the wall (further from the open area) no other water came close to my area. I thought about protecting it with the umbrella, but it's very light, so even the slightest breeze would blow it away.
There was something odd today. Hopefully it will maybe be good news, but it may be bad if I mis-heard. A lady came through and asked if she could take a picture of the plug. When she was walking away I said, 'Oh wait, why are you taking pictures of the plugs?' And I think I heard her say, 'The city council wants to be sure they can be accessed if people need them, so there you go,' implying I shouldn't need to worry about them being locked. Which really I wasn't worried about that, as only one of the like 5 around the building has a lock or is capable of being locked. If that was what she said, which I'm not totally sure it was since I was about 20 feet away, it was pouring rain, and I only had one ear uncovered to hear, then it could be good or bad news. Good if it's an unannounced thing, as that would mean I don't have to worry about access changing. Possibly bad if it is announced, as there could suddenly be a flood of people who need it.
Right now I'm really the only one around. Which is honestly still kind of mindboggling. Every once in a while someone else will come through for a few hours in the afternoon, but no one stays as long, or as frequently as I do. At least not that I've seen. I suppose it's possible they are in areas I can't see, as I only see one part of one side of one of two buildings.
I guess as with everything only time will tell if there is change or not. I am fairly confident I heard her words correctly. Though with how terrible and limited my life is, I can't help but at least feel a bit worried that I mis-heard and she actually said something like, "... they want to be sure people don't have access," and the "so there you go" was more of a neener-neener you are going to lose it kind of thing.
But I will stop writing now, or I may spiral into negative thoughts and become very worried and scared, and I already am enough of both of those as it is. Today I still feel shaky, alone, and kind of a bit like I might throw up. Though I don't know if that is general nerves, or extra physical struggle due to the extra cold.
Day 4589 (V:313) - 1/23 - A little extra food
Today was freezing. It didn't rain, but it remained gray and cloudy, and stayed freezing cold, all day. There really wasn't any part of it that I was warm. My feet are still about 1/3 numb. I've been congested, sniffly, and occasionally sneezy for a few days now. I've been extra cold too. But that could easily be due to changes lately making me feel less safe than I used to, causing lost sleep. I got a bit of unexpected money lately, so I decided to have dinner for a snack, and then spent a bit extra on something cooked from a fast food place to have for dinner. I feel a teeny bit more awake and happier now.
But mostly today I was way too cold. Sad and lonely feeling, maybe partly due to the extreme drop in temperature lately, probably at least in part due to recent changes in feeling unsafe. The world is still sending mixed signals too, which doesn't help my nerves. Some news says there is a new more deadly strain, while other news says California is finally declining in cases.
I've been debating even more cloths lately. I already have two tank tops, a regular T-shirt, two long shirts, and a hoodie on top. And then underwear, two long underwear layers, a long short sweats layer, and then pants. And it's been so cold the past few days I've been debating putting on the extra hoodie and sweats I have in my car on top of this. I'm really hoping the weather turns back around to being 70-75F it was about a half week ago.
But as cold as I was, as cold as I still am, worried, sad, lonely, and heartbroken, I survived the day. At least so far. And lately that seems that is the most I can hope for.
Day 4590 (V:314) - 1/24 - Extrteme cold and rain
Today has been extremely cold all day. It's later afternoon, nearly early evening, and it's started pouring rain. I had been shivering quite a bit and my hands and feet were partly numb all day. I even blasted the car heat for about 5 minutes after moving to try and warm up a bit, but now that heat is rapidly fading away. I expect t this rate it will be gone in about 15 minutes, which seems a bit fast.
If I weren't freezing cold I'd have probably had a good day. Time in my games was good, but a bit lonely feeling because of only a few being there and no one was talking. And with all the cold my mind had a hard time focusing on anything but how cold I felt.
I guess I had enough to eat, but would have liked more. I'd have liked to have more choice of what it was, in addition to it being cooked. I was warm enough, but barely, as the warmth I had was only enough to survive, and my extremities were cold all day, and many times I was shivering. In short, I survived. And I suppose I am grateful for that.
Day 4591 (V:315) - 1/25 - Cutting wind
Today is warmer in a way. The overall weather is warmer, but I'm still shivering and having a tough time staying warm due to a wind that cuts straight through my cloths. I'm again considering leaving my library spot early to just be in my car. I was hoping I'd get some sun soon, as it's nearing 'the blinding hour', but it seems the rain clouds that have been here all day only parted for about an hour. And now as the sun would be approaching it's gotten dark gray again and the sun is blocked again.
I guess aside from that the day was ok. Things feel a bit more stable. I got decent rest last night. And I got something a bit different to eat. Things overall are still extremely sad feeling, very lonely, and hopeless, but I continue to try to hang on.
Day 4592 (V:316) - 1/26 - Probably rain
Today I don't know what to expect. So many things feel changed and unstable lately. I should be able to be in my spot outside the library, but with all the extreme cold and rain lately I don't know if I'll get my regular amount of time. I may get too cold and have to pack up and just sit in my car.
But all I can do is continue to hope things are ok.
