PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 657

Day 4593 (V:317) - 1/27 - Freezing warning

Today and yesterday the weather had a freezing warning. I guess the sudden cold and rain is some kind of tropical storm. My car was frozen over on Tuesday morning.

But things have turned a bit for the better. I am safe in the ex-garage for a few days. So while I certainly will still be very cold, I'm protected from the wind and rain.

I did just start crying now. I was let in for a shower, and during it the razors (not ones I normally use, new different ones) cut me up pretty badly. I got very emotional about the pain, about the blood, and about getting blood on my ex-roomies towel. I worry so much about all the things. I feel fine I guess, but I can't help but think what if I'm not? And still there is always the worry about so very many things that may end me which are not the virus.

But for the moment I am a bit safe. So I have to accept this is about as good as it gets for me. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 4594 (V:318) - 1/28 - Pouring rain

Today the rain seems to have paused in the afternoon. It had pretty much rained for 24 hours straight before that. It's still pretty cold, but not as cripplingly cold as it was earlier in the week. Checking weather it looks like things will be pretty steady for a few days, though not unusually cold for winter time compared to previous years.

I got to sleep in, play extra, and get a special food for today. My back is hurting a bit. And I am still very sad my life is not a normal life. But I suppose all I can do with everything going on is continue to try my best to hang on.

Day 4595 (V:319) - 1/29 - Semi-regular

Today was a semi-regular day had I been in a home. I played some, watched some shows, and did some other things. I didn't feel quite as forced as I normally do. I didn't feel like windows of opportunity 'forced' me to do this, that, or another thing at specific times.

Though I was still reminded several times I don't have a normal life. I don't have a home. I should, and will, be back on the street. And it made me very sad thinking that this thing has happened to me. And it has affected so very many things in my life because of it.

But still I try to hang on. I try to stay strong. And hopefully I can continue and make it through to better days.

Day 4596 (V:320) - 1/30 - Clay bunny

Today started pretty good. For the moment I am still in the ex-garage, but I may need to go soon. The day was a bit warmer, I think peaking at 60F. I got another shower, and very gently shaved my parts, being cautious to do no harm. And though there isn't much, I did a laundry wash.

But as I was putting some laundry away something very sad happened. I have a little clay bunny I made years ago. I think there were pictures when he was new. And since he's been in storage this whole time he had previously lost his ears, and just now his head. I cried a little as I panicked to see if it could be glued back on. Not so much for the loss, as that this kind of clay rarely holds together very long, but more so because of my sad life he has not been able to be carefully placed and taken care of. In a home he would have been on a shelf, or on the desk my computer is on. And the fact that he is in storage, stored away unknown to any, unable to be properly cared for, made me think of me. The little bunny... is me.

He is in a small bag now. Hopefully the glue on the head will hold. Hopefully he can stay safe and not further break. And hopefully someday I can try and put both our pieces all back together.

Day 4597 (V:321) - 1/31 - Return

Today I return to a 'regular homeless life'; at least for what qualifies as such with most things still closed and being on the edge of a cold winter. The weather wasn't so bad today. It certainly felt warmer than it has been. While a touch frosty my car wasn't frozen over in the morning, so I'd think it would have to be a bit warmer. There was almost no one outside the library. But for being a Sunday, being colder, and having gray rain clouds overhead nearly all day, it didn't surprise me.

I tried a card game I haven't played in more than a year. I'd forgotten it was pretty fun to try and figure out decks and I would often spend as much time planning as playing. I left the game because it's horribly unfair for free players. It takes far too much to try and get cards (if you aren't very good at it.) But I returned because the new one I've been playing for, I guess about six months now, has started turning more towards random cards. And I really hate that because that isn't strategy based, and it's not what I'm looking for in an online card game. Really I should probably uninstall them both and stop playing that type of game. I'm just so bad at it and eventually I get sad and frustrated.

I guess today was ok, but now being past the date listed for my fix-it paper I'm starting to freak out. I know the last time the court person literally bitched me out for going there, as the paper instructs you to do, without my officially mailed notice. But I still think if that's the case the paper shouldn't list that date or those instructions. I guess tomorrow I'll call and ask and confirm what I should do.

As always all I can do is try to not let things freak me out. Try to accept and make the best of what I don't or do have. And try my best to continue to hang on to what little I have left.

Day 4598 (V:322) - 2/1 - Warm but chilly

Today is an odd mix. There is a little bit of wind, so it's a bit chilly. But since the afternoon started the sun has come out and it's started to warm up a little. It's early afternoon now and the temperature shows 61F, quite a bit up from the 45F I was seeing last week when I was here.

I tried checking on my fix-it ticket and it doesn't appear in the system at all, which is the same as the last time I got one if I recall. I think it took four or five months for it to show up last time. Someone is supposed to get back to me about it, but it seems unlikely they know anything so far.

The connection yesterday and today hasn't been great. It's not terrible, but it has altered my activities a bit. I suppose not by much. I can still do stuff and have fun, but it wasn't quite the routine of what I would have done when.

I guess, all in all, today was ok. It still doesn't feel great just to be waiting, especially since now I'm waiting for more things than I'm not. But I expect even with stay at home over, and vaccines going out, since there is still so much threat it seems unlikely any real change will come for at least three months, possibly longer.

Until it does it seems all I can do is continue to try to hang on as best as I can.

Day 4599 (V:323) - 2/2 - Unknown Tuesday

Today is an unknown. I don't know if the weather will be warm or if it will go back to rain. I don't know if the connection will go back to being solid or if it will remain wibbly wobbly like it has been.

I suppose overall this isn't any different than it has been for several months now. So much is jumbled and unstable I don't really have much left in my life that is predictable or stable.

All I can do is continue to survive. One day at a time. And hopefully someday things will be normal again. And I can try and put myself back together again.

Week 658

Day 4600 (V:324) - 2/3 - Mystery pain

Today I'm still trying to figure out the mystery of why my back hurts when I'm in the ex-garage. I have some more time to stay, so I've been safe in shelter. But again my back is hurting more than usual and I don't know why. I'm sitting pretty much identically to when I'm at school or outside the library. The only difference is my legs are out and straight and the laptop is on my lap, instead of being crossed with my laptop in front. I suppose I could try an experiment tomorrow and try to sit more cross legged and see if that helps, but it's harder to bundle up and be warm like that.

I guess today was pretty good. I'm very tired. I will get extra sleep and hope that helps. But basically I'm the worst in terms of physical health in my entire life. And with limits on food and limits on possible stretching or doing light workouts it seems unlikely things will get much better anytime soon. So I grow worried about even the smallest aches and pains.

But I was safe. I was restful. I got to play and watch some shows. So I continue to try to hang on to what I have left as best as I can.

Day 4601 (V:325) - 2/4 - Still some pain

Today I have sat a bit differently, but there is still some pain. I's really too cold to not be bundled up, which means my legs pretty much have to be straight. I think it's more the softness of my back since I don't have that other places. I have lower and mid back issues, so I think the pain is a matter of lack of support there when on the soft surfaces.

I guess today was pretty good. I got a special food, so that is pretty yummy. It's a bit heavy for my tummy since it's been so fragile lately, so that isn't good.

I'm not playing a ton. I guess more than usual, but I'm finding I'm more often branching out to other things, usually videos, but sometimes news. I think that is due to my not feeling as pressured on everything. I don't need to push my play between x and y time, and so I feel freer. And with that I can 'look up' and 'look around' and 'outside of myself' and see what is around me. In my normal day-to-day life I'm in such a terrible survival mode state that all I can do is put my head down and not look up at things that I fear and try to make it through.

I still have time in sanctuary for a bit, so hopefully I can continue to rest; physically and emotionally. And hopefully I can continue to recover, as I am so very scared all the time. Things are the worst they have ever been in my whole life, and I always fear I may not make it through.

Day 4602 (V:326) - 2/5 - Very bad tooth and jaw pain

Today I am feeling pretty good emotionally, but there is some pretty extreme tooth and jaw pain happening today and yesterday that has brought me down a lot. And today I've had so much pain I've needed to overdose on pain pills just to keep things manageable. Which means not only do I have a headache from too much medicine, but I also feel kind of sick in my tummy. Hopefully it will go away soon. Being day two of pretty extreme pain it should start settling down soon. Usually it only lasts a few days when this happens, so I hope this will be the worst of it.

Yesterday when it was happening I felt very sad. I have a hard time remembering what it is like to not be in some kind of pain. I've had tooth and jaw pain nearly all my life. I can't imagine what my life would be like free from the pain. I think only half a dozen times in my whole life since my mid-teens have ever been free from pain.

I still have time safe, so I'm warm enough. And I'm not outside at risk of all the things, so that's good. I'd be in a much better mood if this pain were gone. But I suppose, as it always is, it's a thing I have no control of in my life. And all I can do is try my best to hang on.

Day 4603 (V:327) - 2/6 - Cut grass

Today was pretty good. There was some pain, but nowhere near as much. Though there was quite a bit during the night last night when I slept. It's manageable for now so far after taking a normal dose in the morning of pain pills, and half a dose just now.

The gardeners came outside. I can smell fresh cut grass. It seems strange that smells have always made me feel so peaceful. I'd say there have probably been half a dozen smells like that during my life that seem to always make me feel better. Fresh cut grass, rain on trees, a light smell of oranges or grapes. I suppose maybe some of those are connected to happier memories. Like the light orange smell, and partly grass, might be connected to my childhood at my grandparents in phoenix, as they had an orange orchard behind their house. I've never been sure why those smells. I really never smell them anymore now that I'm homeless. They are smells usually found in those areas.

I felt happier overall because there was less pain. I even thought to try a fancy thing in my MMO and got very good progress on a set I've been wanting to collect. Though I don't know if the few days I have left will be enough to finish getting the missing parts. When I'm on public connections I don't usually have the stability or time to try the fancier activities.

I got a lot of rest, which is good. But due to pain while I slept it could have been better. But again I try to rest as much as I can while I can, and hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 4604 (V:328) - 2/7 - Almost none

Today there is almost no pain. I do have to be careful though, as I can take a normal dose if it starts to hurt just a little. But if I miss that window when it starts it can rapidly become unstoppable.

Still in sanctuary, so today has been pretty good. Things are still very sad in homeless times, so many things are still missing or sad because of it. But it is at least a bit easier to hang on.

And so I continue. I try to keep hanging on.

Day 4605 (V:329) - 2/8 - A big sleep

Today I got a ton of sleep. I'm not sure why, but I slept at least 10 hours. I can't remember the last time I slept that much. I'd guess it's probably because I have a cold. For a few days I've been so very sniffly and sneezy. I've had to overdose on nose spray to try and stop the sniffling and it's barely had an effect.

Thankfully the tooth and jaw pain is gone, or at least back to its low level of normal. I took some pain pills with lunch just in case, but it seems like I should be ok now. At least until another event.

I'm still partly sheltered, and will be tomorrow, so I feel a bit better emotionally than normal. But my mind still fixates on what I don't have, and what I may never have. It thinks about being a dad and doing all the dad things, and the grandpa things, even just being in love with someone, or having friends, and doing those things. It even thinks about having a creative job or hobby where I'm acknowledged and appreciated. I'm finding it more and more difficult to not think about them as time goes on, especially with so many fewer years ahead of me than those behind me.

But I just have to accept it. We all have a finite number of days. And as much as I regret not having the things I missed out on, and may yet still never have, I have to accept it. My life has been what it has been. And if I don't accept that then I will never be able to look at what is left, to see what I can have.

Whatever my future has, or doesn't have, it has to be enough, or I will never be able to enjoy what there is with the time I have left.

Day 4606 (V:330) - 2/9 - Near vacation end

Today is the last full day of my shelter vacation. Hopefully I can get what sleep I need. Hopefully I can have fun and enjoy it. And hopefully nothing bad happens.

I don't know if I will make it through these virus times. I don't know if I will make it through and recover from being homeless. All I can do is try to hang on. And hopefully I can make it through. And hopefully I can put myself back together on the other side.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2021
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher