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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 661

Day 4621 (V:345) - 2/24 - Cold to hot

Today weather has been quite the range. The morning started out cold. I've taken off a sweats layer and left it in the car, but the morning was so cold I was considering putting it back on. The afternoon and early evening has turned out quite the opposite. I've had my hoodie off for a couple of hours, and now I just took off my two outer shirts as well. I think the next few days are supposed to even out again and not peak quite so much higher above the base, but it seems weird. I guess daylight savings is in three weeks, so I suppose we are much closer to spring than we are not.

Today was ok in the game, but again no fancy loot in spite of two successful passes through the fancy raid. There is an important patch on the 8th, so hopefully I can get the piece I'm looking for by then so I can put my full attention towards the things I'm hoping to do after the patch comes.

In terms of my sad life, nothing has really changed. Still everything is basically locked where they are due to the virus, unable to change. I suppose my back is hurting more than usual, but my sniffling and sneezing seems to have calmed down; at least for the moment. I suppose, as always, I survived, and that is the most important thing. And none of what little I have left broke or died, so that's good too. And so, I continue on. And I try to hold on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4622 (V:346) - 2/25 - Sad reminder

Today I had a sad reminder that things are terrible and uncertain. Nothing has changed just yet, there was just something reminding me that what little I have left could still be lost. I could survive, though the more I lose the more shattered I become. And the more of me that is currently safe is lost, the more I become an empty shell, unable to retain hope.

I suppose in a way we are always changing. After all, the idea of that is why I came up with my personal site domain name. But wanting to change, choosing to change, that is something different than being forced to change due to loss. A lot of the me that was, my history, my past, can be repaired. I can put me back together as long as what I have left remains. But the more I lose the less I feel I will be able to put the pieces back together. And the less I feel capable of remaining stable.

Nothing has changed... yet. But being reminded it might has shaken my confidence; what little of it I thought I still had. But I have to continue on. I have to focus on just today. And I have to remain hopeful I will still be ok tomorrow.

Day 4623 (V:347) - 2/26 - Cool day, feeling sad

Today was a pretty cool day. It didn't get hot like before, but it was a bit chilly. In the afternoon it got a bit windy, so hopefully that doesn't get worse as it may go back to being very cold.

There was a special event in the stream I watch. So with the sad feelings yesterday, and extra special things today, I am feeling very sad, melancholy, and heartbroken. I miss a regular life. I miss being in a home. And more and more with everything going on it feels less and less like I will ever really recover.

Day 4624 (V:348) - 2/27 - Scary conk out

Today ended with a bit of a scare. I made a delivery for the ex-roomie, and as I drove around the parking lot I made a very slow hard turn. The engine got slower and slower RPM, then conked out and showed the check engine and oil lights on. I was very fearful I'd driven too much for the day and it was having its issue related to that. But I waited about a minute (since I was totally off to the side and not in anyone's way) and then started and everything was fine. When I parked for the night I checked the oil and it was below the low mark. Which is strange because I could swear I checked a few months ago and it was full. I guess I'll have to spend some money and get some as soon as I can at the closest spot in the morning, see how it does during the day, then check the levels again at night.

The day was fairly sad after that. I was kind of happy to get to my library spot. I'm still happy the workers (who are never there) seem ok with it, and it seemingly remains an unneeded spot. I still see no other regulars, or even visitors, and on the times I'm not there it seems there is no one coming to try to claim their spot as their own.

I had as good of a time as I could with my games and a couple of shows, but all day I've been on the verge of tears. I don't have a home. I have extremely few comforts of any kind. I so very much miss many things in life. And this may be it for me. This may be all I have, or less, for whatever remains of my life. Lately I feel more and more like I will never get a chance to recover.

Day 4625 (V:349) - 2/28 - Has oil

Today I got some oil for the car. I got the minimum one quart to see how it looked after putting it in, because they are like $7 each. After I put it in the level showed at the very top of full, so that seemed surprising. I just parked for the night, but I figure I'll peek at it in a while to see if it still shows that, or if it was pulled into the engine during the day and I need to get more.

I guess I could say today was ok. I got a chance for a fancy thing in my MMO, and though there was nothing for me, one of the things I got was something someone else needed very much. So that was nice to at least have something to pass on to someone that needed it instead of just taking it apart for effectively nothing.

Though I was happy to be in my spot with a good connection and basically no one near me to put me at risk, I was still terribly sad. Just being able to cook and go to the bathroom easily whenever I want would be of great comfort. I don't know how long it will be before I will have even just those things, let alone other comforts of home. But all I can do is try my best to keep hanging on.

Day 4626 (V:350) - 3/1 - Cold to warm still

Today it's again a day that started pretty cold but is slowly moving towards being warm. I expect in an hour the sun will be on me and I may start to get too hot.

Nothing unusual today, which is good in many ways. Even as terrible as things are I would rather have no change at all than things go badly. Feeling very sad and brokenhearted still, but trying to lessen my sads with my games. So I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4627 (V:351) - 3/2 - Trying to hang on

Today is an unknown Tuesday. I don't know what to expect. Something bad could always happen, but I try to hold on to hope because something good might also happen. But I really have no control over anything these days, so all I can do is try to continue to stay hopeful. And do my best to continue hanging on.

Week 662

Day 4628 (V:352) - 3/3 - An early bunny day gift

Today started kind of disappointing, but ended with a surprise. IN the morning in my MMO I didn't achieve anything I tried to do. I found no fancy raid to try for any gear. And even the basic dungeon I tried twice didn't get me the one piece of gear I needed. Though I know my time in game wasn't wasted, it felt like it and I was getting pretty sad.

But just after noon the card game I play super casually got a new expansion with a new bunch of cards. It's free to play, and I had a ton of in game stuff to make the new cards left over from when I used to play a lot. I had a super fun time with the new cards.

They have a mostly Egyptian type theme, which I've always really liked. I often forget that. I've never really known the exact reason why. Maybe it's because it was one of the earliest myths and legends I was introduced to. Maybe because when I was growing up it was a big part of modern myth and legend, as we were uncovering lost secrets the desert had buried, connecting my present with time from thousands of years ago. I even went to some local museums when I was very small to see the King Tut exhibit; one of my strongest memories. Maybe too part of it was because my parents taking me to that was during the time my dad actually seemed to care about me without judgment. I get now as an adult all of his indirect abuse telling me not to do this or that "or I'd never amount to anything" was because he wanted me to avoid failure, but that is never the way to do it.

So, since I loved it so much I decided to spend a little bit and get myself some cool early bunny day gifts. Money spent in the card game is really just for cosmetic things since the game is free to play. (You really can't buy an advantage, like in other card games.) So I unlocked a special reward path for playing during the celebration event that will get me lots of related stuff, and unlocked a special themed board that matches it's style to play on. Really there isn't anything I'd want coming in a month during the real bunny day, as the two new games I've been looking forward to for a long time were already bought with Xmas money.

So I guess overall, today ended on a positive note. It's warm now and I have a few layers off. I had fun with my card game for a bit in the afternoon. And even though I have been having some tooth pain, and been feeling very down lately about being homeless and missing everything, for the moment I feel just a little happier than usual. And I suppose that is something.

Day 4629 (V:353) - 3/4 - Slow then fast

Today was an odd day. Almost no one was in the MMO, which has kind of been the case all week for some reason. I did not do a fancy raid, and even basic dungeons took forever to find a group for. So my time seemed to pass almost impossibly slow. What felt like 4 hours was only half that long.

Weirdly, even though nothing really changed, the afternoon seemingly flew by. It's as if the first 75% of my day was slowed down and then the remaining 25% went super fast speed, so overall the total time ended at its usual point.

During the slow feeling part of the day my brain did get fixated on the fix-it ticket, as the guy told me to check back around the 1st. I guess I did a different search than last time because it did show a ticket in the system, but it was from 4 years ago, so without checking I assumed that was my previous fix-it ticket. There is still no evidence this new ticket exists except for the paper in my car. I really hope there is some kind of 'time out' expiration if the officer doesn't turn in their portion by a certain time. I'm getting really tired and stressed out waiting for the notice to show up. I guess I'll check again near the end of the month and maybe contact the court people again if it's still not in the system.

I guess the day was ok. It was getting gray and looked like rain yesterday, but today by the early afternoon things cleared up, though the air remained chilly. It's like winter has returned instead of continuing to get warm. I suppose it was overall a good day, but because I didn't accomplish anything in my MMO I started to get very depressed at the lack of people (causing a lack of opportunity), and so I left my spot maybe 45 minutes earlier than I would and just stayed offline. I'm unusually tired too. My allergies are coming back a bit, so there are some sneezes and just overall tiredness. But I guess the day was ok overall.

Day 4630 (V:354) - 3/5 - Big goal reached

Today I reached the big goal I was going for in my MMO, clearing me up for the new big goal after the patch on Monday. I mean, it's just game loot, so to be better and more capable of doing a group activity I won't really be doing because of everything going on, but it feels important. I can struggle and try, and sometimes do the thing, and be ready for when I have a better life with more opportunity to commit to things. It doesn't seem like much, or really that important overall compared to 'real life', but with everything so uncertain and out of control, doubly so for my life, it's important to know I can achieve at least some things.

I guess the day was pretty good other than that. It was a bit chilly until the afternoon when I started being in the sun. Now it's a bit overly warm. But I guess in about 1.5 hours when the sun is going down it will rapidly go back to being chilly.

I feel very sad about everything. I had to poop and I just about had an anxiety attack going in to the store because there were just so many people there. But I at least accomplished my big goal in my game. And so tomorrow I can move on to the next. And I suppose that is something.

Day 4631 (V:355) - 3/6 - Looks like extra

Today started with a bit of a surprise. Since I'm on a pretty limited budget for food I always keep the receipts to keep track of how much food stamp money is left. I was surprised to see a bunch things morning, as I'd forgotten today was the cycle day. But in addition to that normal amount, adding what I had left from before, there still appears to be about $25-35 more than normal. I don't know if anything passed in the government, as I'd heard they were trying to do that to help during the crisis, but there seems to be a bit extra, at least for this month.

I have a lot of tooth and jaw pain. That's been going on for maybe about a week now. I really wonder how different I would be, how different my life would be, if I hadn't had near constant jaw and teeth pain (since my mid-teens on.)

But my game time was ok. I accomplished a small goal I wanted to do before Monday, so that is good. I just have a couple of bigger goals to work on, along with a medium goal after Monday's patch. But the bigger goal may be tough to do, as it's an activity no one is really doing anymore.

But overall I guess today was pretty ok. The extra bit of food money was a nice unexpected surprise. The day was mostly cold, but tolerable. It was pouring rain and incredibly windy last night, so thankfully none of that stuck around. And no one walked by my area, so I never really felt at unnecessary risk. I guess the important thing is I survived the day. And these days that alone has to be enough.

Day 4632 (V:356) - 3/7 - Not a goal anymore

Today one goal I was going to push for in my game has become unnecessary. I was going to do a new dungeon to collect a special set, but it seems that set was changed a few weeks ago on the test server and is now basically no good for what I was going to use it for. So, I guess I no longer need to look for that after the patch.

The day was pretty good, I suppose. It was pretty chilly, but not so cold I was shivering or anything. It barely got to 60F even though it was a clear sky and sunny all day. There was a very subtle biting wind, which is probably what kept the temperature down. But the area was quiet, calm, and no one got too close, so I didn't feel at risk being out.

I always miss a regular life, and still wonder if I will ever be able to get back to one. But today my mind didn't dwell on sad things too much, and so it passed harmlessly enough. I guess all I can do, as always, is try my best to stay distracted from sad thoughts and feelings, and hope to hang on long enough to make it through to better days.

Day 4633 (V:357) - 3/8 - Unquiet mind

Today I feel like my mind has not been quiet. I guess in a way it makes sense. I've been 'talking to myself' not out loud almost constantly today. Early in the morning it was about the weather, and the turn back to being very cold and gray looking like rain. Should I get my other hoodie from my car and wear two hoodie layers 2/3 of the day to be warm until that gets way too hot? And too the big game patch was today, so rumblings in my mind about what to change on my characters has been pretty constant.

I guess it was all right. The day passed quickly enough. I kind of have a headache from it though. I guess soon it will be evening and my brain will quiet down hopefully.

I suppose the important thing is today I felt ok. And nothing bad has happened yet. And lately this seems like things to be grateful for, and all I can really hope for.

Day 4634 (V:358) - 3/9 - Maybe rainy Tuesday

Today maybe a rainy Tuesday. Monday was very gray and on the verge of rain all day. I guess that would be fine if a bit cold, as long as there is no wind blowing the rain into my laptop sitting area during the day.

Looking at the V day numbers it seems we've passed a year in crisis in my area. What a crazy thought. I guess it makes sense though, as it is very hard for me to remember days before. Even my dreams have been about masks and risk for as long as I can remember.

But I try to hang on. I try to continue to hope if it continues I can be in a safe place as long as it does continue. And hopefully I can make it through to the other side and better days.

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