PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 631

Day 4411 (V:135) - 7/29 - Sprinkle in the morning

Today I am feeling a fair bit extra tired and sad. Tired I think because I have slept deeply, but because of my extra sads, I can't sleep well. Lately my remaining very front tooth has been throbbing a lot, which probably shouldn't be a surprise since it's nearly completely gone. My remaining upper K9 has the entire side gone now, so even though it feels strong on the remaining sides it likely will be rapidly lost. I'd guess with the rate of the corruption so far, all six of my top front teeth will be gone within 2-3 more years. Two are already completely gone, and what remains of the others vary between 75% and probably 40% gone.

Additionally the thought of the library staying closed through the end of the year - the one spot I could connect and have power (when school is closed) - has felt pretty emotionally crushing, as my best chance for a real job will be remote work, which I would guess will be impossible without that constant ability to connect during 'business hours'.

Speaking of that, I suppose the good news is it's looking more and more like a second stimulus is assured; meaning a very good creativity and gaming laptop may be in my near future. Of course that doesn't guarantee I'll find such creative work, even contract work or part time would be far more difficult than normal since I have no existing contacts to get back into the field, and likely those jobs are already filled by those who were already working that field.

It sprinkled a bit in the morning. Rain drops are still marking my windshield. It was nice to have the cooler time, but now in the late afternoon it seems all other evidence is gone and it's back to regular hot weather.

Really no change or news today. Just regular sad feelings, and increasing worry as time goes on. So I try to focus on good things. And I try to stay hopeful better days come soon.

Day 4412 (V:136) - 7/30 - Crashing in game

Today my phone crashing during my card game is really upsetting me. For, well, all the time the card game has been out for mobile the phone has crashed while playing. At first just once every few games. But now, this past week or so, it's been at least once every single game. Which is far too often since games are only 5-10 minutes each. I'm getting really close to deleting it off the phone and just playing on my tablet where it has no problems. Sadly though that would mean I'd have to flip my stream watching to phone. And watching on the phone is about 25% of the size if I want to have chat open.

It was a bit cooler today. Hot in the sun in late morning, but in the shade it was actually genuinely cold. I was even kind of getting a headache from it being so cold in the shade.

I didn't check for stimulus news today. Mostly I forgot. Really though I'm sure someone will post about it if things get finalized. I don't think I'll miss a formal announcement.

Today was a lot of pain; physically and emotionally. And while I'd love to say it's almost the weekend, there's no point as that's meaningless to me. And really hasn't meant anything for many years. I guess though as painful and sad as it was, I survived the day. And so I continue to try and hang on to hope. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 4413 (V:137) - 7/31 - Hopeful for special dinner

Today I decided to get a special dinner to try and cheer myself up a bit. I was originally going to do it Saturday, as historically that has been special dinner and a movie day, but after getting notice from the library I had movies to pick up it made more sense to do it today instead of making a special trip just to get dinner. Hopefully it will be ok when I eat it, as it will have been in the sunned trunk about 4 hours when I get o it. It's pizza in a box, some chicken, and a teeny bit of salad. I know the chicken will be ok, but not great, but I do it overnight somewhat often. Pizza is a bit more questionable, as it's more sensitive to heat.

I got my special dinner at the healthy food store. I still have a gift card with money for there. The hot and cold food bar area was indeed nearly all closed. It was weird to see the rows where there would have been people and food were empty. I was right in that the pizza was in the protected area. To my surprise they did indeed have some prepackaged cooked foods. I wondered if they would do that. But it was vastly overpriced. Like some as much as 60% over normal. They had lasagna, which I usually get a 3"x3" piece for about $3, at the 5"x5" size of the prepackaged one they were asking $10 for that. Many other items were similar. Sure, probably a great small meal, but vastly overpriced starting at $10, and averaging closer to $12, with highs of $15.

My library time was ok. It wasn't great. Again it was not the best, so I did just basic activities. It was private though. Only a few people walked by while I was sitting out there. I did hear what I thought were doors to the building behind me. I wonder if they are getting ready to open that building. It would seem weird if they did.

I guess the day was ok. Hopefully my treats in an hour or so will indeed be treats and I can cheer up a bit. Everything seems so out of my control and like I have no chance to get back to a normal life with everything going on.

Day 4414 (V:138) - 8/1 - Pizza was fine

Today has passed a bit more quickly than normal. I had a research project in the morning which helped burn an hour, so now it feels like it's just past noon when it's really almost time to move the car to the evening spot.

Pizza last night was not as special as I'd hoped. It was fine. I guess I would describe it as maybe east coast style? Thin, floppy, had some extra spices I wasn't familiar with. It wasn't bad, but as long as I can remember that in the future I will probably pass on getting it again. (Especially since the store was crowded and people stood way too close.) I'm a basic guy, so I prefer a bit thicker crust, and minimal spices.

Being the weekend there was no news about, well, anything. The weather was warm to hot, and a few times during the day I zonked out from exhaustion.

I've had some pretty massive tooth pain lately, or probably more accurately tooth root pain. A throbbing extreme pain that would likely cause most to cry uncontrollably. I've overdosed on pain pills the past couple of days and it feels like it may be settling down now. That and the state of the corrupt, and the missing, make me always aware of how bad things have become. And likely how much more I will lose before I could ever have a chance to even consider fixing any.

I guess though I survived the day. And with everything going on these days that has to be enough. Everything will remain sad for likely quite some time, and many won't make it through for various reasons. So I continue to try to hang on as best as I can. And hopefully I can hang on long enough to make it to better days.

Day 4415 (V:139) - 8/2 - Wishful thinking

Today I am writing a bit early, as it's Sunday and nothing goes on on Sunday. I guess it was a bit more of a restful day, as I had no stream to watch, freeing up my power and time for whatever.

It's the early afternoon now. Outside of trying to play a few games on my phone and crashing a ridiculous number of times, the day has been ok. My mind is looking forward to the new laptop and day dreaming of the couple of new games I should be able to play.

Mostly my mind is just looking forward to getting the new system, opening up the possibility to look for graphics work I could do remotely, and the possibility of a few hours of regular homeless play a day. At least hopefully partly getting closer to previous homeless normal.

While that order can't happen yet, if they are to keep the deadline for the second stimulus I should be able to finalize plans on things within the next 5 days, so that is pretty exciting.

Until then though all I can do is try my best to push back all the sad feelings and worry and try my best to hang on emotionally and physically.

Day 4416 (V:140) - 8/3 - Extreme heat returns

Today really isn't anything to talk about save for that my tooth pain, thankfully, seems to be calming down. I took some pain pills in the morning to be sure, but didn't really need them. It hasn't been hurting really at all today. But pushing on the jaw area above the tooth still feels...odd. No pain, just odd. As if it were something like my elbow or forehead and it had been bumped and is a touch swollen?

It has become extremely hot again. It is cooling a touch now that there is a slight breeze, but the weather thing on my tablet showed 85F a little bit ago, in spite of the forecast predicting mid 70s this week.

No stimulus or laptop news to really speak of today. But honestly with all the procrastinating they have done I wouldn't be surprised if we don't hear news until Friday.

It occurred to me I was kind of prepared for all this time with things shut down by my early homeless days. I still have fading memories of days spent in the car, literally doing nothing in those first few years. At one point I had a pen and paper book and planned characters that were never played, but in those early summers I really had nothing beyond that. I'm not really sure why I didn't go to the library. I can only barely remember the 1-2 hours allowed for computer access on the public systems barely felt worth it, and unless I had school homework I really had nothing else to do.

But today I guess I survived another day. I always fear I will catch something and these terrible times will completely end me. But there is little I can do to make my routine safer. Being in exile nowhere is really any more or less safe. And something that might feel safer in one way often feels less safe in another. There was an elderly person passing by while I was outside the store on a bench who said, "They took your sitting area away, eh?" And I could tell he felt sorry for me, and he knew it was one of only a few options I had. It is strange now to consider how extremely different my life is from everyone else. As inconceivable and unimaginable a thought to so many; I can't just go home.

Day 4417 (V:141) - 8/4 - I expect nothing

Today I expect nothing will happen. While it's not a weekend, I think nothing will move on the stimulus. If nothing moves my plans remain plans and nothing changes. Things remain on hold. Maybe there will be laptop or game news, adding to my knowledge or options, but I don't expect any plans will change.

Really all I can hope for the day is nothing bad happens. If nothing bad happens, I can mostly continue the same. And if so, I can hope the few things I have left will bring me at least a little joy through all my sadness. And hopefully with that I can hang on until help and opportunity come. And I can continue to hang on emotionally and physically until better days.

Week 632

Day 4418 (V:142) - 8/5 - Cold and slow

Today I had to take some stuff to the donation place for my ex-roomie. Since it's only a block or two from the library I decided to detour there for some laptop time. It was kind of bad. While it was private and quiet, the connection was so bad I could barely do even casual play things. And in the last hour that I was planning to stay it got so bad that it was effectively dead, so I gave up and left 45 minutes earlier than originally planned.

The day was weirdly cold. It has gone from the mid 80s of the other day to probably the low 70s with gray rain clouds over head all day. I may need to wear pants the next few days.

No news on the stimulus yet, so nothing has changed in terms of plans. Oh, I did get a very nice gift card yesterday. I can get nice cooked food with it. I will probably hold it until my birthday in about two weeks, then maybe do another in a month, and the last the month after. That would be a nice treat to help keep me healthy.

I suppose I survived the day. And I guess that is about all I can do these days. So I try to hang on as best as I can. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4419 (V:143) - 8/6 - No more gray, way too hot

Today started gray and cold. It still looked like it might rain and there was some pretty fierce wind last night. By a bit before noon all the clouds had gone and it got ridiculously hot again. There is still a cool coastal breeze trying to come through to cool things off, but it ranges from barely there to none at all. Hopefully as we get into evening it will become more prevalent and cool things off.

I am very sad today for a couple of reasons. First, there was a bit of a crack pop after lunch, as two fragments on either side of a bottom tooth came lose. The backs and between spaces of my bottom teeth are noticeably corrupt, but nowhere near as bad as the top. I'd guess the ones that remain will probably have about 10 years left before they start to get critical like the top. (I've lost a few in the back on bottom already.)

The second sad thing is I'm getting more confirmations on new laptops that the battery in gaming, or creativity programs, is much lower than the time people are referencing. The higher end ones, which take more power, will be as low as a single hour, with not much more than that in the less demanding systems. It may not be the case for all games, as some take less power to run, but it means realistically no matter what system I get I probably shouldn't expect more than one or two hours per day gaming unplugged. If I just use it for web surfing and maybe lower resolution video watching it should be fine, as that's what is being done for the ones which reportedly have 3-8 hours of unplugged time. But realistically I probably won't feel safe using it more than a couple days a week because the amount of risk and exposure to elements wouldn't feel worth it (in terms of hours of use vs. hours of at risk.) So, it's very disappointing to hear I will more than likely remain trapped as long as I don't have access to somewhere with power.

Of course that still depends on the second stimulus. And once it does get finalized, the money has to get to me. Then the laptop I want has to be in stock and shipped. So I may still be looking at late this month or even next month before anything would even possibly change.

I've also been sneezing a lot lately, and very congested in general. Likely the wind has pushed some allergens into the air. Last night I also had some disturbing dreams, so that never helps.

So today, in nearly every aspect, has felt like just a reminder that I have very little in life. That what I do have is ticking away. That I have no control over anything in my life, and that my limitations will continue to hold me back, and I will be unable to help myself towards change. Which feel more and more lately like that may not come until there is a solution to the virus so the world can return to some kind of previous normal.

Day 4420 (V:144) - 8/7 - No crying, because nap

Today I am very sad. I got sad stimulus news in the late morning that, not surprisingly, they are still at an impasse. It won't not happen. It's just, as I expected, this deadline was as meaningless as the last.

That sad news triggered sad thoughts about my situation not changing. How sad I am being at my 'now I just sit for hours in my car' point in my day. Not able to play. Not able to watch things. Not able to see a charity stream that's happening this weekend. All I want in life is a humble home where I'm free to cook and eat regular foods, have an ok job that isn't terrible, and have a little extra to play games. Maybe even have an opportunity to find friends to do 'real life' things with, or even love. There were so many sad thoughts I was nearly crying. But then, pretty rapidly I again crashed and fell asleep for about an hour. I suppose the nap has helped reset things for a bit, so I guess that's something.

So today has turned out extra sad and difficult. And again I am back to not knowing when a second stimulus may come. I was very tempted to gather every penny I had and order the less expensive mainstream laptop, but I know I would regret that if the second stimulus does come, because just a few hundred more will get me one that is significantly better.

So I continue to try and accept things are what they are and I can't control them. And I try to hang on tight to the few happy things I do have. And hopefully I can hang on emotionally, physically, and financially, and make it through to better days.

Day 4421 (V:145) - 8/8 - Zonked again

Today moved incredibly slowly. Being the weekend there really wasn't any news or fun things to watch, so I just played my card game for about an hour and that was really my day. It was super hot again, and I zonked out for over an hour.

I'm still trying to stay hopeful and hang on for more stimulus. I do suppose every day that ticks away things will continue to get worse for many, so hopefully that will push them to a quicker decision.

I guess today was just a day of waiting. And I suppose I survived another day and continue to do my best to hang on to hope and try to make it to better days.

Day 4422 (V:146) - 8/9 - A break from sads

Today I decided to try to take a break from sad things. I went over to be outside of the library for a bit. There were a lot more than I expected there, at least in the early afternoon. It thinned out by mid to late afternoon to almost no one.

I guess it was ok. The first hour I was there the connection was so bad I was considering just doing offline things. But then it cleared up and was ok for the remaining three hours.

It was a nice break to play and be somewhat private and calm for a bit. Though I expect in the evening, and certainly tomorrow, the sad feelings will return.

Day 4423 (V:147) - 8/10 - Not my spot

Today really the only news is my regular day parking spot was taken and I hoped the person wasn't an employee, so I took a spot next to it. I was wrong and the person left so late in the day as to be not worth trying to take it after they left. I had barely any shade and it was insanely hot, so I spent most of the day in an extremely hot car.

I didn't even bother checking for stimulus news, as the part I need may be weeks off from happening. Though I really don't get it. If the second $1200 is the one part both sides agree on why wasn't that filled and done, and then just hold off on the things they don't agree on? It makes no sense to me. I suppose it's fine for me though, as the first bill I would want to pay won't come until late September and isn't due, even in part, until October. And as long as it's this hot I wouldn't want my laptop out in the heat anyways.

There was a bit of game news. An expansion that is coming for one of my favorite games has finally gotten a price, and that is $10. So that is great, as I was expecting $20 or possibly even $30. That will happen on my birthday, so that is super happy. (Though it's the last expansion the game will get, so that's super sad.) The other thing was a video with some details for a game coming out in mid November. Hopefully things will be sorted by then because there is no way my current/older laptop could run it at all.

I guess that is really it for today. I am feeling pretty extremely sad. But there also isn't really anything I can do. So I continue to try my best to hang on and make it through to better days.

Day 4424 (V:148) - 8/11 - Probably a library visit

Today I will probably make a trip to the library. I have something to return, so I expect I'll stick around for a few hours in the hopes the connection is strong enough to play and do stuff for a bit.

All I really hope for the day is that it starts to cool off and the connection is strong enough to have the opportunity to do stuff. And hopefully with that I can try to relax a bit and continue to try to hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2020
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher