Week 645
Day 4509 (V:233) - 11/4 - New boots are old boots
Today I am wearing an old pair of boots. My most recent pair has been ripping open down the right ankle, and today when I was walking it would open to the point of my feeling the cold outside. So I swapped to an older pair I had 'just in case'. These are not torn open anywhere, and the bottom is actually a lot less worn. It does feel a touch smaller though, as a few of my right toes feel smooshed.
I must have slept badly too. My left shoulder and neck side feel sprained and have been hurting quite a bit.
I've been getting extremely depressed about no money lately. More and more I worry I won't have enough for the bills in about 1.5 months. And with things like the first of the three games I'd really like to get coming out in a week I feel more and more brokenhearted with each piece of news I see about its upcoming launch.
But I am alive. As much as I suffer and hurt, I suppose there is that. And so each day I can continue, it is another day I hang on. And eventually I can hopefully hang on long enough to make it to forever better days.
Day 4510 (V:234) - 11/5 - Feeling more brokenhearted
Today I saw some pretty detailed videos on two of the three games I've been wanting. Both showed even more features and game play elements that I would enjoy. If I had the money I would have pre-ordered them already. So the fact that I didn't, and may not for who knows how long, breaks my heart that I can't play even more. Doubly so for the one that launches in less than week. 
I knew this was a part of the risk since my stimulus only covered the new laptop, but the old laptop wouldn't have been able to run these games. Nor really any other new games. But now with no second stimulus in sight, and things not changing overall, I'm basically not getting much help, and I am getting more fearful help for bills and having money for games won't come.
So today I am extremely sad, and will likely be more and more so through the holidays. I suppose I will be fine without the new games. And really if I have enough to pay the bills and get gas I will feel much better than I do now. But the thought of no games, no gifts for the holidays, makes me feel more like an outsider as I hear everyone else talking about the nice things they will get.
But all I can do is try my best to hang on with what I do have. And hopefully everyone can make it through these terrible times. And maybe I can hang on long enough to be ok again... someday.
Day 4511 (V:235) - 11/6 - Too cold, layer of dust
Today it has indeed become very cold. From the looks of the weather app it isn't going to be warm again anytime soon. Which may mean this is the official start of the cold winter layer weather. I've already got an undershirt, t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, and hoody on top, and underwear, long thermal underwear, and pants on my legs. And at no point did my jaw stop clenching from cold today. I guess I'll have to put on my second pair of long underwear, and get another undershirt and shirt. But the greater concern were my hands were partly numb, and my feet weren't much warmer. When it gets this cold that usually means I won't be able to stay outside for long.
There was a pretty big wind today, kicking up a lot of dirt and dust. My laptop and mouse pad had an almost constant micro layer of dust all day. It's possible the rapid extreme cold was because of the wind. And all I can do is hope and see if they seem to warm back up if it stops.
It even rained for a little bit in the evening. Not long, maybe 15 minutes, but enough that I worry I may need to start carrying an umbrella for rain, not just for covering my equipment during 'the blinding hour'.
I guess though I had as good of a time as I could. I had a connection and could play my MMO and keep my mind occupied. Though it was still pretty fixated and worried about bills and the games I can't have, and how rapidly things could get even more terrible without help.
But I can't control what I can't control. Things don't look like they will reopen anytime soon, certainly not during the cold upcoming months. And with virus cases still climbing I remain more worried than ever. All I can do is try my best to stay safe. And I suppose, more importantly, say healthy physically. And try my best to not be too sad emotionally.
Day 4512 (V:236) - 11/7 - Peak of 60F
Today it was freezing cold. Even with both thermal layers on my legs, and now two undershirts, a t-shirt, and two long sleeve shirts, along with my hoodie. My hands and feet were partly numb almost all day and the temperature barely peaked at 60F. Several times I considered putting my mask up just so my face would be a bit warmer. When I packed up for the night, after several hours gaming, I didn't need to cool the laptop because within 30 seconds of it not gaming it had cooled down to the 40c-50c idle temperatures.
I don't know how I'll continue outside for much longer. I can only pray this sudden cold weather is caused by the wind, and that this goes away very soon. The thought of needing to stay in my car all day just to barely be warm enough is extremely depressing. I can basically write off several months of life once that happens, as I'd only have a couple of hours with my laptop a day, at most, and really no signal for my tablet unless I spent the gas to get to outside the library. My being outside with my laptop is weird enough, but also hidden enough, that I won't be noticed. I most certainly would be noticed sitting in my car there.
But, as always lately, it seems all I can do is try to adapt, see what few crumbs of my life are left, and try my best to hang on.
Day 4513 (V:237) - 11/8 - Dust, wind, rain
Today it was very cold again. At first it didn't feel as cold as yesterday, but as the day went on it did not warm up. I think the day peaked at 55F. It was also really windy, and had been for most of last night. Though at first the wind didn't seem that bad, but again, as the day went on it didn't let off.
It was so cold I was shivering a bit. And since I could, I 'left' about 2 hours earlier than I planned and just stayed in my car. I knew it would be fine because, being a Sunday, the only people really around were dog walkers and a rare person going to pick something up from the restaurant around the corner. So I knew my sitting in my car, even with my laptop out, wouldn't really be noticed or considered super odd for such a 'short' period of time.
Not too long after I'd gotten into my car it rained. Not a lot, basically just like the other day, a brief heavy sprinkle for about 15 minutes.
I guess overall it was an ok day. I had a reasonably good time in my MMO, and I listened to some stuff in the background. The day passed quickly enough.
But it was windy again. And there was still dust everywhere, which makes me worried as to how much might be getting into my system. And after I thought of how different, and how much better my life would be if I were in a home. I'd be safe from the virus. I'd be warm and not shivering. I could relax, and in doing so do some stuff for my site I've been wanting to do. I could do more job searching, shower, so many everyday things.
But as I say seemingly so often lately, that is not my life anymore. And I don't know when it could be again. All I can do is try to continue to do my best to hang on. And hopefully I can make it through.
Day 4514 (V:238) - 11/9 - Chilled
Today was pretty chilly, but not quite as cold as the past couple of days. The wind must have indeed brought the cold weather, as checking the weather it shows it will be going back up, just a touch, maybe 3-5F during the week. So that should be good.
I guess today, at least so far, wasn't too bad. I watched the streamer I watch and chatted with some people in chat. A few mentioned new games they were excited for, and while I was sad, I wasn't too sad. I was more sad at the overall homeless feelings. Like how cold I am now, being outside, how I can't shower regularly, or sit up proper in a chair, or cook food.
But I guess really today was about as good as it can get for me lately. I still hope for help and donations. I still hope for a cure or vaccine so things can at least start to go back to 'normal'. And I still hope I can make it through to better days.
Day 4515 (V:239) - 11/10 - Hopefully warmer
Today I hope the day gets a bit warmer. Yesterday I took off my gloves at around 10 and didn't put them back on. And though my feet and hands were a bit chilled, they weren't numb. So I hope today is warmer. And I hope help and donations come soon. And I hope above all we can all make it to better days.
Week 646
Day 4516 (V:240) - 11/11 - Heart feels bad
Today my heart feels bad. I don't really know how to describe it. In the morning to the early afternoon it felt the worst. I guess I could describe it as when you are very nervous, but only at 15% of the intensity. It felt bad, the walls felt unstable, and I didn't feel good. It might be congestion clogging it up from a cold, as I am pretty congested and sneezy. I'm not sure.
The weird thing is today is one of a few I can be in the ex-garage. The ex-roomie who doesn't like me is out, so I can be here with my stuff. So I slept in this morning and didn't have to go anywhere. (Though I did need to poop, so I went to do that. And maybe that helped elevate my heart rate to feel more normal.)
So far I feel heartbroken. I'm very worried this year may literally kill me from a broken heart. With all of my sadness, terrible health due to drastically reduced food options, lack of really any shower or other self care, and the overwhelming stress I already had, things are very bad. And they weren't even good to begin with before all of the extra virus closures and stress.
But all I can do is try to hang on. I try to enjoy what I can. I try to stay as healthy as conditions allow. And I try my best to hang on physically and emotionally.
Day 4517 (V:241) - 11/12 - Still feel sick
Today I'm still feeling pretty sick, mostly in my heart. It is probably a mix of extreme depression, poor diet, and maybe a cold. I have been sniffly and sneezy today for a bit. The biggest is likely poor diet. Even when things were open I didn't have the best options for food, but with access to the microwave they were enough. Now with no micro and being forced to eat ready to eat foods my options are severely limited. Over the past few days I've just eaten the same five things. Partly because that's all I brought for these days, but also because there aren't a whole lot more things I can eat.
I took a vitamin maybe thirty minutes ago and I feel slightly better. I'll try to do that every day for a bit. Also, tomorrow I'll be getting the last special gift card food, so I'll have some freshly cooked food and vegetables with that.
I guess I should try and look at more options on what to eat, but really without a microwave my options are so very limited, more so because of the many things I can't eat. But I am just feeling worse as time goes on, and with how my heart feels so bad lately I'm getting worried.
But I really can't control anything. I really have no options since everything is so terrible. All I can do is try my best to hang on.
Day 4518 (V:242) - 11/13 - Laundry
Today is a pretty ok day. The ex-roomie invited me in to the side of the house to do laundry and a shower, so the laundry will be done for a while and I finished the shower a bit ago. It's crazy how warm and ok I feel now. Before the shower I was bundled in covers, wearing my 6 layers, and was still a bit chilly. Now I'm sitting on the covers, have just a long sleeve shirt and sweat bottoms, and I still feel a bit warm. It's kind of mind boggling how different I feel now.
My heart felt a bit bad earlier, but it feels better now after the shower. I also did get the fancy fast food, so there are those vitamins going through me. The ex-roomie said she will do spaghetti in a few hours, so I can have some extra fresh cooked food.
I guess today is really about as good as my day can get physically, and almost as good emotionally. I am still very sad about the bills coming, and not having money for that. And I am very sad about the game that launched that I can't have. But I have more comforts than usual today; my old games, a connection to watch and play stuff, and fresh food. So I continue to try my best to hang on.
Day 4519 (V:243) - 11/14 - Heart still feels bad
Today my heart still feels pretty bad. Checking my heart rate it's about 60-65 bpm, which is actually pretty good for me. Still the only way I can describe it is it feels like I'm kind of scared. I guess it's just stress, as my back has been insanely painful lately, especially in my mid and lower back. Or it could be a cold, as I'm still very congested and sniffly, and sneezing at times. I guess I'll try an allergy pill.
I guess I slept ok, but really I kind of feel like I just want to go back to sleep. I do have that opportunity, but I know I wouldn't actually fall asleep for a nap. And even if I did, it would more than likely mess up my regular sleep patterns.
In the evening my inside time will be over, and things will be back to my very sad normal homeless life. So I'll see pretty quickly if it has anything to do with being still and restful, as I'll need to be up and moving around. But for now, even though my feeling bad has me not wanting to play games, I am trying to enjoy the time I have left. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.
Day 4520 (V:244) - 11/15 - Lasagna smell
Today was warmer than I expected. I was chilly, but not to the point of being cold. I brought my gloves, but never wore them. The weather app says the temperature will get a touch warmer as we move into the week and cold again next weekend, so I should have a bit warmer days ahead. It felt more like spring than winter.
I'm not sure if my heart felt bad. I didn't notice it feeling bad. But that might just be due to the 'outside noise'. The day was somewhat calm and quiet. There was more than usual activity for a Sunday, and some kids came barreling through my area. I was half tempted to yell at them. If any kind of bike ever hits my laptop that'd likely be a fatal blow.
I did get a faint smell of lasagna. It smelled so yummy. Looking around I saw no one in sight, so I have no idea where the smell came from. I don't know the last time I had any. It would have to be back when I could still use the microwave.
I guess, all in all, the day wasn't bad though. Not as bad as it could have been, that's for sure. And I'm becoming less sad about the game that launched that I can't have.
So I guess I hung on ok today, physically and emotionally, but my heart still breaks thinking about how much I miss a regular life in a home.
Day 4521 (V:245) - 11/16 - Different sick feeling
Today I am feeling sick, but in a different way than before. This time it's almost certainly due to a cold. I feel maybe a bit feverish, but mostly I've had a pretty bad migraine headache most of the day, my eyes hurt, my neck lymph nodes feel swollen, and it feels like my tummy is a bit upset.
I feel pretty tired too. But not in a sleepy way, in an exhausted from everything I did today kind of way. Though that isn't really surprising due to all the normal stress I'm under due to my very sad life.
Lately I've been feeling very sad, unwanted, and uncared for. I think it's really just indirect feelings because everyone else is talking about good things happening to them, and I have nothing, so it seems like people are intentionally ignoring me.
I am still extremely worried about the bills. The big web space bill is due in just about a month, and really the only gift giving time is turkey weekend in a couple of weeks. If dad sends a big amount, and if that amount is in cash, then I would be able to squeak by. But these days those are pretty big iffs. Additionally they would require I completely tap myself out of everything, leaving extremely little for gas, and nothing at all for school or the fix it ticket.
At the end of today I am still extremely worried about bills, worn out feeling, probably sick, and feel pretty heartbroken.
Day 4522 (V:246) - 11/17 - Trying to be hopeful
Today I am trying to be hopeful. Hopeful that it isn't too cold to be outside. Trying to be hopeful I don't feel too sick. Trying to be hopeful I don't feel too sad. And most of all, hopeful that help for bills will come soon, and that I can pay them in time.
Really all I have these days is hope. And it's getting harder and harder to hang on to.
