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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 659

Day 4607 (V:331) - 2/10 - A last day

Today is the last day to have sanctuary and then I'll be back out later. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever be back in a home again. Before all the recent terrible stuff happened I'd always thought I'd eventually find a new path and be back on the way to recovering. But now... now things seem so crazy it seems only those lucky enough to be able to work from home can hang on. And all of the rest of us can only hang on and try our best to survive through and hopefully things may eventually go back to some kind of new normal.

So I try to stay calm. I try to hang on. And hopefully I can make it through.

Day 4608 (V:332) - 2/11 - Sticky start

Today the car had a sticky start. I think it did it about a week ago too. I turned the key all the way, the dash lights turned on, but there was a full second or two before it started up. It did it in the evening when I moved it again too. But after the evening parking I stopped, waited 30 seconds, tried to start up again, and there was only a 1/4 second pause (about normal.) For a couple of years now it's done this a few times a year, so I'm not super worried, but it will definitely worry me if it continues. If it's something like the starter I don't think that's a cheap fix.

I guess overall the day was ok. There was a lot more sad than usual, as it always is with recently being put out, so I am a bit more down than usual. I did try to do a fancy thing in my MMO and though I got in a group to try, I didn't get the loot I was looking for, so that was sad.

The morning was a bit gray. The afternoon even more gray. So, there was no blinding hour, which meant I could watch a show during that time, but it also meant the day never got above 60F. Now in the early evening it's started raining. It's not a super hard rain, and it does seem to be lightening up, but I have a feeling it will become a much heavier rain before it's gone.

While it was a better day for stability online and doing things in game, due to recently being put out, and car worries, things feel pretty deeply sad at the end of the day.

Day 4609 (V:333) - 2/12 - Quick start

Today I feel a bit better. The car started in the morning with about a half second pause, much closer to normal. Three other times I moved it during the day it started 'quick' (almost immediately). I'm sure my brain will still try and keep track of it, but it happens a few times a year, so I'll likely completely forget in a week.

Today was pretty cold. Mostly the air was still, but about noon a slight breeze started. And by 2 it was enough to blow my umbrella I was using to block the light of the blinding hour, so I had to keep one hand on it at all times. Which wasn't as bad as it sounded since I was just watching a show. But the day peaked at maybe 60F, and was closer to 50F for most of it. Quite a chilly day.

I tried again for a fancy raid, and actually got in one pretty early, but the dps had no clue what they were doing. Since it was a high end raid we failed for about 30 minutes on the boss before giving up. Which really isn't surprising as my record for that is about 50/50 so far (in 6 total runs.)

I guess, all in all, today was overall a better day. Things were still very terrible though. My mind still constantly thinks about what I am missing, what I have lost, and I feel pretty hopeless these days due to the world being turned upsideown. But I'm trying my best to hang on. And though I feel like I will crumble apart and just collapse crying, I continue to try to hang on as best as I can, and hope I'll make it through.

Day 4610 (V:334) - 2/13 - Uneven conversion ratio

Today things feel like I'm peeing more than I'm taking liquids in. I guess that it's possible it's coming from stored water weight, I do think I've lost a lot of weight this last year, or possibly from the food I'm eating, but it seems weird. It seems like an unusual amount too, like 30-50% more than what I'm taking in.

I also weirdly feel like I'm forgetting something. Like it's a special day, or there is a live show I'm supposed to watch, or there was something I was supposed to do that I forgot about. I've been feeling like this for nearly 6 hours, so at this point I am very confused what it may be.

I guess today was about as good as I could expect. The connection was strong and stable. I got to try a fancy raid in my MMO (though again got no important loot.) The people in the raid seemed friendly, which is rare. And things were bright, but not so bright it prevented me from watching shows, so that was nice to at least get a brief amount of warm sun.

It was pretty cold though. I think the day peaked at 50F, and nearly all day I was clenching my jaw because I was chilly. In the afternoon a breeze started, so during the blinding hour I again had to have a firm grip on my umbrella to keep things shaded.

I suppose all in all today was pretty good. The nice people in the raid was a nice surprise and raised my spirits a bit, so I suppose today the good has outweighed the bad and sad.

Day 4611 (V:335) - 2/14 - Must have been busy

Today many people must have been busy with sweeties' day stuff. It took a while to find a raid, which fell apart after an hour of failing on the first boss. It seemed almost no one was looking for groups, and even just regular dungeon ques seemed empty.

I'm worried about my system and the connection. During the first 2 hours of play I booped out of the game for no reason and was back at the login screen. I suppose it didn't happen in the following 3 hours, and it's only ever happened today, but it still seemed worrisome.

It was again gray and very cold. I think it was 45F much of the day with a high of 55F. It was so cold I even put on one of my hats under my hoodie. Though it wasn't so cold that I was shivering like the other day, so that's something. It's still very gray now, and I wouldn't be surprised if it started raining in the late evening or overnight.

I suppose the day wasn't terrible. I was chilly, but warm enough. The connection wasn't perfect, but it was good enough to do the things I wanted to do. And though I have no sweetie or friends to celebrate with, I hold on to hope that maybe I will someday.

Day 4612 (V:336) - 2/15 - Doesn't feel like Monday

Today feels weird. I'm not really sure why, but it doesn't feel like Monday. It feels like maybe a Thursday. I guess it's not important. All days are the same for me really. Even the traffic, due to all the closures, is pretty similar day-to-day these days.

It's again very cold and gray. So far it's been just sprinkling on and off. It rained pretty hard last night, and I expect it will again tonight. My connection was good, and there were no game drops, so that was good. The car has started normally for a few days now, so I'm not worried about that anymore. (Though I am always worried in general due to its age and slow death overall.)

There is apparently an envelope at the ex-house. I would guess it's a gift card for something, so that is a nice thing to look forward to.

I suppose I feel ok. I am still very sad, but today doesn't feel so bad, so I am hanging on ok. And these days that's about all I can do.

Day 4613 (V:337) - 2/16 - Probably rainy Tuesday

I don't know what to expect for today. All the days pretty much blend together and are one day now. I expect it will be rainy and cold, but I am trying to stay hopeful it will go back to warm soon.

Hopefully it will be a good day. Hopefully I will stay warm. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Week 670

Day 4614 (V:338) - 2/17 - Calm day

Today was, I suppose, a calm day. Nothing good happened. There was no fancy raid in my MMO. But I suppose nothing bad happened either. It was still pretty cold and while I wasn't shivering I was shuffling and patting my parts to try and warm up a bit.

I guess really it was just another day I tried to hang on and survived through.

Day 4615 (V:339) - 2/18 - Warm at the end

Today started off very chilly at 45F when I settled in outside the library. It stayed cold most of the day. But by early afternoon, as it started nearing the blinding hour, it started to warm up a bit. I don't know what it had reached by the early evening when I left, but I was actually warm for a change, and even pushed up my sleeves a bit.

My in game friends sent me a super cute bunny pet. She's so cute. I still can't believe the company has taken 6 years to do that. They have had pets since launch, and the bunny model has been in the game the whole time. I also saw someone mention the game in a social group I'm in. I think we have different schedules, but of the times I've tried to make connections and failed this was the first time to actually connect. So we chatted a bit in-game, but I think our schedules are different.

I am very thirsty today. I think because I've been sniffling and sneezing. I've seen a lot of flowers on the ground here and there, so I think plants have been blooming and triggering my allergies. It seems a bit early for that, but these are definitely allergy symptoms. Now that I think about it, that's probably why I can't really focus up close. My eyes feel a touch itchy and are probably affected by the allergies.

I guess more good than bad today, so that is something. And so I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4616 (V:340) - 2/19 - Hot from sneezing

Today my allergies have been going crazy. I don't know why, but ever since I got to the library area I started sneezing like crazy. Like every 3-5 minutes I'd do 1-3 sneezes, sometimes more. That continued solid for 8 hours. There were times I had sneezed so much I got a bit hot. I had my hoodie off for a couple of hours because of it. It's early evening now and it's finally calmed down. I'm not in that area anymore, so hopefully if it was a local plant it will stop and things will continue to calm down.

I guess it was a pretty good day other than that. It was a slow start in my MMO, but by late morning I did get into a fancy raid. And all the suffering was worth it (they were pretty bad), as I got one of the two remaining pieces I need to complete the set I am going there for. So I'm very close to finishing. (Though that last piece could still be very problematic to get.)

I had decided to get a special dinner last night because I've been pretty sniffly lately. I guess it turned out for the best because all of this sneezing has caused me to overload on drinks and extra food to try and hype up my system to stop sneezing. So the extra cooked good food will hopefully help a lot.

So today was a rare good day, at least so far. So I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4617 (V:341) - 2/20 - Fast day, changed order

Today was a very fast day for some reason. It passed at what felt like twice the normal speed. I guess it was because I had some stuff playing in the background that distracted me.

I'm still sniffly and sneezy, and extra hungry, so I took one of my food gift cards to buy some other extra food. I added a couple of things on the order and they said $12. I was like, 'wait what?' The things I got used to be like $1.50 each, so adding on the third item should have been like $5 total. I took one of the two things off and that reduced it to $8, which still seemed way off, but I said fine. It turns out the fries were double what I expected, something close to $6, and the $1.50 item I used to get is apparently now nearly $3. Which seems really extreme since you can eat it in about three normal sized bites. So, while super yummy, I don't know if it's worth it at that price. Back when I was last getting them, I suppose probably 5 years ago, the $1.50 price seemed much more fair.

I guess overall today was a good day. But it was cold, probably due to the rain last night. And it passed very quickly. So even though I did kind of achieve something in my game, it really felt like the day came and went before I'd really done anything. I suppose the important thing is I continue to live. And I guess overall I'm ok. So I continue to hang on. And hopefully there will be better days ahead.

Day 4618 (V:342) - 2/21 - Another calm day

Today was a pretty calm day I suppose. There is still a bit of sniffling and sneezing, but not as much as the past few days. The day was chilly, but not as cold as it has been. Checking the weather it's supposed to be 70F tomorrow, but I'm not sure if that's accurate as it barely got to 60F today.

I suppose the day was ok overall. As always, everything seems very sad because of all the things I miss or can't do, but I guess I didn't really feel as sad today. And that is maybe something.

Day 4619 (V:343) - 2/22 - Little goal

Today there wasn't much achieved in my game. I did do an important little goal, so that is one of my current two goals done. I again tried for the fancy raid, and while they got a little done, they couldn't handle it really, so I didn't really gain anything.

It's been cold today up until the blinding hour started. Now that it's fully here it's actually getting a bit dangerously warm for my stuff in the sun, so I've hidden it with the umbrella. I guess that is the bad side of when it starts to get warm again. It will start to be too hot in my main spot for a couple of hours a day. Not that I'd have to go far, but I'd have to pack everything up and walk at least about 50 feet around the corner.

My allergies are pretty crazy again. Lots of sniffling and some sneezing. I mentioned it in chat during the stream I watch and others said their allergies are starting too, so I guess everywhere is having an early bloom.

I guess overall things were ok. Though due to my allergies wearing me out I feel really sleepy. But in general I'm ok, so I try to continue to hang on.

Day 4620 (V:344) - 2/23 - Maybe sunny Tuesday

Today will hopefully be a sunny day. Monday started gray, but cleared by the early afternoon, then started to finally get warm. It was almost even shorts weather outside at that point.

I don't know what to expect for the day. Really with things as they are my hopes are extremely low. I hope to live through the day. I hope my stuff is ok and not damaged, broken, or lost. But really with the world what it is due to the virus, that really feels like all I can hope for.

So I continue to try to hang on as best as I can.

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