PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 663

Day 4635 (V:359) - 3/10 - Double hoodie

Today I had double hoodies on. It had indeed rained yesterday, as well as all through the night, so the morning was much too cold to not have it on. I've also put back on my half sweats under layer. It didn't rain past morning, but it stayed cold, with a brief biting wind in the afternoon.

The day started very worrisome. I got to the building and noticed not just one person in their office, but one in another I checked as well. I know they are ok with me being outside, but still, I worry. I settled in to my spot, got everything set up, started my system up and tried to connect... and no connection. I tried my tablet. No connection their either. I started to rapidly spiral into sadness for about 5 minutes. After that it seemed the connection wasn't coming soon and I decided to try and play offline things. It was ok, but really the two big games I have to play offline have both gotten to a part where they upset me and aren't fun anymore. So, in addition to my spiraling into sad thoughts of losing my place to have both a connection and power, I was starting to worry things would become really tough if I also didn't have anything I love at the moment to play offline.

Thankfully my offline play was interrupted about 45 minutes later with a connection notice. The connection was a bit wobbly for the next hour, but I could connect to all the things and start my day proper. It took a few hours, but I finally settled from my sad thoughts and chocked it up to one of the rare occurrences where the connection just had trouble, and now try to remain hopeful things will continue to 'be normal' for me at that spot.

I guess overall today was pretty good. It was a rocky start, losing nearly 1.5 more hours than I'd normally lose in a day. But I got most of my usual time, and by noon I wasn't too cold, though I never removed the second hoodie layer. I have it off now in the evening in my car, but if it rains again, or remains gray, I'll have to wear it again when I go out in the morning.

But for the moment things don't feel too bad, though I was pretty harshly reminded things are not in my control, and what little stability I have could very quickly and easily be lost. But I try to stay hopeful. And I try to continue to hang on.

Day 4636 (V:360) - 3/11 - Pooping in the library

Today started incredibly cold. It rained a lot last night and this morning. There was the kind of biting cold you normally get in areas with snow. At about noon the clouds started to clear. And now in early evening there is only the slightest evidence of rain, though it is still cold enough I'm just going to keep my second hoodie on. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. Both are pretty much the same one, so it just looks like one thick one instead of the 'multiple layered hobo' look I expected it would have.

I had fun in my game doing a different thing. It took a lot of the day, and was just for the lore, but it's ok. I like the stories most and I didn't want to be rushed through by a random group causing me to miss it. Before I knew it the day had flown by in the blink of an eye. I guess it was fine. All my days are basically the same unless something bad happens.

At the end of the day I had to poop. As of this week the library inside front area is open to the public again. And, there is access to the recent returns area, where I sometimes find stuff to watch that I'd forgotten about, or am on the waiting list to see. By far it is the best bathroom option. And still one of only a handful of places I have access to a bathroom at all. But the best part is it's only maybe 100 feet from where I sit. No drive or special trip required to get there. (Just need to pack up all my things.)

I guess I made it through the day ok today. So I continue to try to hang on until forever better days.

Day 4637 (V:361) - 3/12 - Pretty good, for what it is

Today my life is pretty good for what my sad life is these days. The connection was fine when I got to my spot, so it does seem that trouble day was one of the few random times.

I had a pretty good time in my game. It seems I did need to do the new dungeon with random people, so it's good that I did it already with guildies the other day. The group probably would have been fine with going slow to hear all the lore, but I always assume they will want to plow through as fast as possible. But they were actually nice, friendly, and one person knew about some secret bosses, so it turned out to be an exploring trip.

The day started a touch chilly, but not too bad. There was evidence of rain still left from last night. But it didn't really rain all day. The skies were clear, and by afternoon it was nearly warm enough to take off my extra hoodie. Oddly looking at the forecast it shows it's supposed to stay stupidly cold for the next week, so I don't know when it will really go back towards being warm again.

I got word the food stamp increase should remain. I guess they looked at what was being given to people and adjusted the amount to be more, so it should be a permanent increase.

I also saw news that another stimulus was approved. I won't expect it, as it's best to expect nothing in my life, but mostly it would be saved for bills. I very badly need new boots, as those are way past needing to be changed. I'm considering investing in a serious gaming small keyboard. My current one is good, but it's full sized, so it's a bit large for my backpack. It barely fits. Plus, it has no lights, so I can't use it in the dark at all. The laptop keyboard is... fine... but it has 'membrane' keys, which are super squishy, so that's not really precise or great feeling for games where you use the keyboard a lot. I kind of really need new tires, which is a minimum of $300 if I get all 4. But I'd like to hold off on that until August when I've cleared the next registration, as I think that one requires a SMOG check, which the last two times the car has barely squeaked by passing. But other than reserving a bit for future games I would just save the rest for bills and a cooked meal now and then. But again, I won't make an official list and plan until I actually see the money in my bank account.

Everything is still the worst in my life. Lately I've had a little cough and a bit of congestion. Yesterday there was a very small wheezing in my lungs. I took an allergy pill and am a bit better, but it seems I've gotten a bit of a cold. Probably from, heh, the cold. But emotionally I feel pretty ok today. Though all the things I miss have constantly been at the back of my mind lately. But I try to put away the sad thoughts. Try to focus on just right now. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 4638 (V:362) - 3/13 - A quicker day

Today felt like a quicker day. It's basically over and it really only feels like it should be half over. I had a good time in my game. I had a couple of good groups and tried a fancy raid. I did get a bit of loot in the raid, but not exactly what I was going for. But still, it was some progress.

The day started pretty chilly, but it wasn't too bad. There were no signs of rain, and now in the evening there are no clouds at all. I don't think it's warming up yet, as there was still a brief biting winter wind, but hopefully it will start to warm up again soon.

I guess there isn't much to say about today, other than I continued to hang on.

Day 4639 (V:363) - 3/14 - Time change, sky change

Today it has gone from clear skies and possibly warming up right back to gray threatening stormy rains. I guess that's why the weather forecast showed it would be really cold for a week.

I guess there isn't much to say about today. I don't feel super great. My cold has changed to a general overall tiredness and my forehead feels a touch warm. Though that could be because it's super cold out, making my extremities cold, making my warm parts feel warmer. I won't worry about it unless it gets worse, as it is probably just the cold or allergies plus losing sleep to the time change.

I guess I had fun in my game today. It was pretty slow, I guess because it's a Sunday. Maybe too people were 'grinding' for special points due to the patch change. I did get one chance for something I needed from a raid, but didn't get what I needed.

I felt pretty lonely today. I tried putting stuff on in the background to listen to, but there really wasn't anything except junk I don't really care about. Game chat and social places were quiet too. Though I guess overall today was ok. I continue to hang on. And I suppose that is the most important thing these days.

Day 4640 (V:364) - 3/15 - Too cold for everyone

Today the day was too cold for everyone. I think I saw only half a dozen people walking around near me all day. I haven't seen the workers in the building for a while now, so it looks like they aren't back yet. I guess those I saw were just here for a special day.

It was bitingly cold again today, with the day starting at about 40F and peaking at barely over 50F. The sky isn't completely rain free, but the clear skies are trying to come through.

I guess, outside of clinching my teeth most of the day from cold, overall today was ok.

Day 4641 (V:365) - 3/16 - Hoping for warmer days

Today I hope will be warm. I don't know what to really expect though, as the past few recent days have been pouring rain during the night. I hope stimulus comes soon. I hope warmer days come soon. I hope everything goes back to being ok soon. But until it does, I try to hang on.

Week 664

Day 4642 (V:366) - 3/17 - A brief moment

Today there are brief moments, mostly of happiness. It started with an extremely cold day. Every breath poofing out a cloud, with the temperature showing around 35F. A few hours later I got to go back to the ex-garage to have a few days inside. Hopefully this extreme cold will be gone before I'm back out.

I checked my bank in the morning too, and the next stimulus shows as pending, so hopefully that will clear tomorrow. I'd really like it to show as actually in my bank before spending it. Sadly, making a list of needed things, like new boots and big bills, a big chunk of it is gone. There is some room for saving for my next MMO expansion (just over a year from now probably), getting a game on sale, saving some for an as yet undecided full price game, so, there is a little for fun things. After those there is only a few hundred left, which will be eaten by things like gas. Small bills may come along too, so it could also be for that. Things will be not quite so tight or worrisome at least for a bit, but not so free that I'm completely free from worry.

And in a bit of sad news, the fix-it ticket did finally come. But with everything going on they are giving people a lot of time to clear it, so I have until late May to fix it and clear it. Which I fixed it months ago on like the next day after I got the ticket. It shows that is a $25 fee, but I clearly remember paying closer to $50 to clear it last time. I guess maybe soon I'll go take care of it. I just hope I don't wind up waiting hours and hours in a line to get it done.

Out of nowhere my dad sent gift card money for Saint Patrick s Day, so that was super helpful. I guess his side of the family is Scottish, Irish, and some English. I kind of knew that already, but I still don't know the details. I don't think even dad knows them.

So today had some good, some bad. But I feel ok. I get to hopefully sleep in... if I can sleep, which has been difficult lately. But I feel better than usual, so I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4643 (V:367) - 3/18 - A few things

Today started with ordering a few things. It wasn't much, as most of the stimulus is going to bills. But I got a new umbrella, as my old one is literally half broken. I got some new boots, which are very overdue. Though I did find ones 10% cheaper than I had on my list (which look the exact same, by the same company, so I'm not sure what's different.) They were about 30% more expensive than I remember. I guess I haven't bought myself new boots in about 5 years, so I could just be remembering incorrectly. And I bought a bit fancier ten keyless keyboard. I hope it fits in my bag ok, as it's a lot thicker than y current one. (Though about 5" shorter in length.) This one has lights, so I can use it in the dark. I'm very sad my laptop keyboard isn't that great. It's got squishy membrane keys which are already not holding up the best, so I figure if I can reduce my use of that to only using it when I'm not gaming then it may last a bit longer for just typing.

I guess it got a touch warmer, but it was still a bit cold and rained in the afternoon. I didn't see much of the outside, so I could try and maximize my inside time. I felt pretty good, though I am still very wrecked from cold weather and stress. And my back didn't feel the best from so much stress.

But today was a bit better. A few nice things are on the way and will hopefully lift my spirits. And so, I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4644 (V:368) - 3/19 - No blood

Today was pretty good, but ended sad. There was sleeping in. There was a shower, with gentle shaving, so no blood. There was a laundry. There was even a bit of chat about TV shows.

But in the evening I was back to my sad homeless outside life. And things are very sad again. But I continue to try my best to hang on.

Day 4645 (V:369) - 3/20 - New boots

Today my new boots came. They seem to fit great, but I only tested for a minute. I don't expect any problems, as I've gotten them from the same company, and pretty much the same boot, like three or four times now. This one is 1/2 size bigger, but it's the size I remember being most comfortable with. Often with boots they don't have half sizes, so I have to go down to a 9, which often makes my toes feel a bit smooshed. It will take a while to start relaxing the things so I can tighten the laces just right. Honestly I'm surprised there hasn't been a better design for laces to have different tension in different areas. I suppose you could do that with two smaller laces though, or maybe tying a knot where you want to start a different tension area.

I guess the day was ok other than that. It was a bit chilly, and in the afternoon the skies got gray for a bit, but it wasn't too bad. It was pretty much just a regular homeless day.

And so, I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4646 (V:370) - 3/21 - Three spare

Today was ok, I guess. It passed pretty quickly, with the majority of the day repeatedly failing in a raid. What should have taken 20 minutes took over 2 hours to finish. I guess I lost track of time.

The day started cold. My breath was poofing again in the morning. By noon things weren't terrible. And I think in the early afternoon the weather showed around 65F. So hopefully we are heading back towards warmer days.

I put my old boots in the trunk. I guess now I have two old boot pairs and a sneakers pair, so that is good in case of another emergency. My new ones are loosening up quicker than expected, so that is good.

I did discover my tripod bag has some moldy spots on it. I suppose that shouldn't surprise me after being in the trunk for a few years now. It wouldn't be terrible to toss the bag. It was just a cheap $25 tri-pod, and I'm sure it doesn't really need the cover. I'll keep it as it is for now though. I suppose at some point I should really just drop a lot of the extra stuff in there. Besides the boots I have a few other 'just in case' items that are really just taking up room and probably not needed.

I feel pretty sad today. I miss 'normal' things. And with more and more getting a vaccine, a return to the way things were actually kind of scares me. I think finding a job and a place in a 'normal' world would be harder than ever before for me now. Not only do I have all of the difficulties I had before, but when it happens, I'll have to compete with all of the people who have now had a hard time because of the virus. The thought of it makes me feel like collapsing into tears and losing all control from all the stress and worry.

But there is so much I can't control. And so much I can't influence.

All I can do is try to continue to hang on.

Day 4647 (V:371) - 3/22 - Still a bit sad

Today I'm still a bit sad. I think part of it is the realization the other day that it's been more than a year since the virus shut down started in my area, combined with the realization that as terrible as things are, in an odd way (if I don't lose what I have left) I feel less bad than the way things were before. I think a lot of that is due to the fact that a lot of things I should have now just really can't be had at all, so I can't miss them. I think too part of it, even though I almost never interact with anyone, is that I don't feel as out of place. Maybe that's due to the lack of interaction, maybe because no one really 'looks at you funny' if you do seem out of place these days. Normal is so far gone that odd and unusual seems almost normal.

The weather is colder again today. Clouds are coming back and it really feels like it's going to start raining, though the weather shows it's supposed to be getting back to close to 70F.

I played my game and had fun, though didn't really have any big gains to speak of. Though having fun 'today' and being distracted 'now' is likely the most important thing in my position these days.

For the moment I feel ok, but a bit sad, but maybe not as sad as some days these days. And so, I continue to try my best to hang on.

Day 4648 (V:372) - 3/23 - Maybe rain

Today I have no clue what to expect. Things are the same as ever these days, and I have nothing unusual happening. I suspect it might rain though. It looked like it Monday.

As always, all I can try to do is do my best to hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2021
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher