PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 637

Day 4453 (V:177) - 9/9 - Orange night all day

Today has been really weird. It's not even remotely close to the 100F+ days it has been the past few days. In fact, I think it is barely into the low 70s. There is this extreme cover, a deep orange or maybe brick red, that has blocked all sunlight. It looks like it's early night or past night and extremely early dawn. I looked around for news and apparently it's particles from nearby fires trapped super high up in the atmosphere. There is a very light ash rain, but apparently it's so far up in the air that the air quality we breathe isn't really affected. In a matter of days it's gone from one extreme to the other. It's crazy.

I guess there isn't much else to say. It's yet another homeless day. Back to normal exile. I suppose I'm happier it's cooler, as I can close my car windows completely, so I feel safer in the car. I guess for sure it's back to pants weather, as looking at a 10 day forecast things really only peak at 80F. So I continue to try not to be too sad. I continue to try to hang on. And hopefully I can make it through to better days.

Day 4454 (V:178) - 9/10 - A bit better

Today I'm feeling a bit better. I went over to be outside of the library area. My connection was 100% solid and stable. So I don't know what has been going on for years, but it apparently seems connected to something with the old laptop's connection there. I tried to look for fancier things in my MMO to do, but couldn't find any. I guess that's ok, as I watched a stream and did other game stuff, and then did some editing.

I felt almost and old homeless normal today. As if I were back in school with a solid connection and no worry about strangers doing anything unpredictable around me. (Though that can still happen at school, but it's far less likely than out in public.) I was kind of chilly, even with regular pants on and an extra under layer tank top. It's rapidly gone from nearly 100F the past few days at this time to today and yesterday probably only being in the mid 70s. It seems pretty crazy.

I feel pretty good, but my time here is done. After I 'eat dinner' I'll move the car then be in my homeless outside of stores with my tablet time, and likely rapidly go from feeling pretty ok to feeling pretty sad.

But, as always, there isn't much I can do but continue to try to hang on. And hopefully someday I can make it through to better days.

Day 4455 (V:179) - 9/11 - Orange becomes gray

Today things still feel very sad. The orange skies have turned to gray, at least in the immediate area, but the cloud cover persists. The sky is just one big light gray blanket. There is still a very light ash fall, which seems a sad reminder of what is lost for some.

I feel pretty sad in general again, but I suppose nothing has really changed. Except for what feels like a notable cavity in one of my few remaining bottom teeth I chew with. It seems minor, but with the corruption near the gum on all my bottom teeth they are likely much worse than they otherwise appear. But I try not to think about it, as all work is way too expensive to consider. Even a single tooth in most cases would be more than all the money I've had this year.

But that's normal loss, so it's to be expected these days. So I try not to fixate on it. And I try to continue to do my best to try and hang on.

Day 4456 (V:180) - 9/12 - Almost feel better

Today I am almost feeling better. With the extra garage time lately, and going to be outside of the library to get at least a few hours to do stuff, I'm feeling a bit better. I even peeked at working on some possible new content. Though that would be tough to commit to with how limited my time with my laptop is. And I still don't know if it would generate any real interest in me and my stuff. None of my content I've made so far has seemingly ever drawn any real interest. Even the content that was newsworthy before other agencies covered it barely received any views.

I guess it was a pretty ok day though. I played a bit. I did job stuff a bit; though I still feel any kind of job is a long ways off with things the way they are. And so I guess I feel a bit more hopeful about the future. And with that, I try my best to hang on emotionally and physically until better days.

Day 4457 (V:181) - 9/13 - Battery test

Today I tested my laptop battery in my car. I did some writing and some file backup and manipulating. I also did a small game test. Which, crazy thing, the laptop reached all the way to the wireless inside, probably 75 feet away, with basically the same signal strength as if I were very close. I don't know if I can do that every time I try, but good to know as we get deeper into the cold weather and sitting outside becomes less and less of an option.

The battery life was disappointing, but not, I suppose, unexpectedly so. I knew it wouldn't last long. In total during my test it lasted just over 2 hours with the screen at 50%. Of that, 20 minutes was playing a demanding game and using the wireless, where it drained about 1.5% per minute. And the other 1.75 hours was doing writing and light photo work, where it drained about 0.43% per minute. I guess it should be double that if I were doing just light video watching online, but I don't know. It doesn't seem like my 20 year old photo program would take much power to run. Maybe it was due to the saving onto USB when I'd altered the things. Though I didn't use the USB all that much.

I guess it was an ok day. It certainly would have been better just going to be outside of the library again, but I will probably limit that to Tuesday and Saturday, and add Sunday as a day to use the laptop in the car for writing and other light things. I just worry so much about the system being at risk outside since there is so little I can control for, and everywhere outside is hard concrete.

For the moment the skies have turned back to an almost normal color. Though they are still grays, and the sky still has remained covered in clouds. It's not as dark as it has been though, and it's borderline warm, though I've not yet removed any clothing layers today.

I'm still horribly congested and sniffly with occasional sneezes. Overdosing on what little nose spray I have left will work, but only briefly. An hour later I'm completely stuffed again, so there seems little point in trying to clear it. But I guess I feel much more ok than I feel sad, which is something. And, as always, I try to continue to hang on emotionally an physically. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4458 (V:182) - 9/14 - Lingering cold

Today my cold, or allergies, continue non-stop. I've spent the last 4-5 hours sniffling and blowing my nose and there seems to be no end in sight for my congestion. I'm extremely sleepy. No doubt a symptom of lost sleep since this cold is wrecking my throat at night and giving me weird dreams. My ears are ringing a bit too. I hope I get over it soon because, even though the weather app says it should be in the 80s, it feels like it's barely in the 70s. I always have an extra tough time fighting colds in the winter.

I feel pretty sad today. The stream was a cute game that was nice to watch, but slow. So I spent a lot of time just listening while looking around. I saw a lot of people coming and going and thought to myself how they are leaving a home to get things they need then going right back home again. And I thought how it's getting harder and harder for me to remember doing that. There are only distant memories of me being in a home now. And there are very few memories of being in a home and having a good care-free time.

But I continue to try to hang on; physically and emotionally. It's all I can do.

Day 4459 (V:183) - 9/15 - Library day

Today will be an outside of the library day. All the times with the new laptop have had stable connections. It even looks like some firewall issues that existed before don't seem an issue. (Previously shooters were firewall blocked.)

I don't know for sure what I will do with my time, nor if I will have fun, but I will have a decent chance at things.

Though I still worry. Outside is not a good place. For me or my laptop. It should be safe. No one should really be close to me. Nor should anyone be mean or violent. But I worry. With everything so bad and sad in my life I can't help but worry.

All I can do is my best to do the best that I can with what I have. And try my best to continue to hang on as best as I can. And hopefully someday I can make it to better days.

Week 638

Day 4460 (V:184) - 9/16 - Sprinkle in the morning

Today it sprinkled in the morning for a few hours. It was enough to have the rain smell, and the car was rained on during that time, but things dried out pretty quickly.

I've got an editing project I've been working on. Since I have to use a free program it's going a lot slower than the subscription one I'm used to. And, technically, it's the best software for color correction, so if I'm going to edit I should get better at using it. But I feel pretty ok doing it. Maybe even a touch happy. Who knows, I may yet still find a job editing someday. With everything as crazy and unpredictable as it's been I really have no idea where I may go in the future. And even before it all started it felt like I no longer really had any control.

There were people I chatted with in a stream this morning. And we had fun doing an extra thing at the end of it. So I guess I feel kind of happy today. But, I can't continue editing now, nor can I play my games. My day is not like everyone else where I can just do my regular things whenever I want. I have to wait for my windows. And these days those windows are very limited.

But I try to not be too sad about my limitations. I try to make the most of what I can. And I try my best to continue to hang on.

Day 4461 (V:185) - 9/17 - First video

Today was an ok day (at least so far.) I had a movie to pick up and drop off, so I went to be outside of the library. Again I had no problems at all with the connection on the new laptop. I watched a stream while playing a game. The people in the chat had a good time. After, I finished the first video of my podcast. I still don't know if there will be any real interest, but I guess we'll see. If I do two more with video and they don't get about 100 views each over those weeks I'll probably not bother doing more. I guess we'll see how I feel about it. Now that I did one I can 'save as' and save a lot of time on some of the element creation since I can just do very small tweaks and move things around.

The day seems warmer again. I may drop my under layer and go back to shorts. There was a lot of stuff on my mouse pad and screen protector today though. I wasn't sure if it was ash or not. I don't smell any smoke though.

I guess overall so far today was pretty good. A nice change from other things lately. Though I barely got any sleep. I'm still extremely exhausted. And there is lymph node pain in my neck and I have a headache, so this cold is not going away. But I try to continue to hang on as best as I can.

Day 4462 (V:186) - 9/18 - Still feeling wrecked

Today I am still feeling pretty wrecked. I got some sleep last night, but not as much as I'd hoped after that night of no sleep. I still feel off, in general, as well. Maybe it's because of my cold that won't go away. I feel a bit lost, confused, trapped. I guess too I'm depressed about all my sad things, and how now more than ever I feel trapped with no way out.

I guess I am honestly surprised about the video though. I was expecting it to have no views for weeks, and while I haven't checked on the time stats, as of a little bit ago it already had 4 views. Which while not great, was far more than I expected in even the first two weeks. Almost no one watches the stuff I post, so it has been a nice surprise.

I guess today was ok though. I want more. Which isn't saying much since I have nothing. Just little things. More sleep. More time with my shoes off. More showers, or even a bath. Maybe a nice hamburger and fries for dinner. More warmth. More quiet. Really, just a regular life.

But I can't have those things. And I don't know when, or if, I ever will again. And so I continue to try to hang on as best as I can.

Day 4463 (V:187) - 9/19 - New subscriber

Today I guess I feel pretty ok, almost even a homeless normal. (At least at the moment.) I was surprised to see the new video not only has about 10 views, but there is a new subscriber to the channel. So that means at least one person found the new video, and thinks it's good. And, of those 10 views there were two 'thumbs up', which seems a surprisingly high ratio for the number of views.

So far I've just been outside of the library. I had a pretty good time, though there were four people who walked by me during the day. I guess it was ok, but they should at least have said hi or something to give me time to put my mask up. That area is only about 3' wide, so they get way too close passing by.

But now I'm in my car, about to 'eat dinner' in the early afternoon. So I think my day will rapidly settle to sad since my time with my laptop is over. I also got word a game friend has an aunt with the virus. So that makes me very sad and worried, even though she supposedly will be fine.

I guess I survived the day. And so all I can do is continue to try to hang on as best as I can. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4464 (V:188) - 9/20 - Casual restful day

Today I decided to have a casual restful day mostly spent in the car. An odd thought to be sure, since I spend so much time in the car. But I still feel pretty sick, so the thought of a padded chair and more controllable temperature and sound volume sounded more appealing than other options. Plus I have some listening to catch up on. Normally I have about one show every other day I listen to, but for some reason I have about four things I'm behind on.

The past week there were a few days I got just a touch sweaty, so I decided to remove my undermost shirt layer and go back to shorts. It was a good decision. Where the shade is the temperatures are moderate, but in the sun it's a bit on the hot side. I guess the weather app said over the next two weeks we should be peaking into the low to mid 80s (with things cooling to the 60s at night.) So it seems we are back to shorts weather for a bit.

I got a nice confirmation today about my laptop as well. A channel I've seen reviews on a few times that focuses on graphic design and production software compared the one I got to the 'cheaper' 17" model I was looking at and in productivity they are almost identical. Also, even though the 17" has liquid metal cooling it seems that it may be out of necessity, as my laptop was actually not only cooler, but a touch quieter, in the comparisons. So, yes, in gaming that $1700 17" model is about 20% more powerful in FPS, but at a 40% price increase. But in non-gaming the little one I got basically matches its power.

If I had the spare money, if I'd have gotten both stimulus checks at once, mmmmmaybe I'd have gone for the 17". Both because it's 17", and that's what I've been using the last 9 years, and because it was the manufacturer I'm familiar with. (Though I'd still likely have been hesitant, as even now reviews of that model are extremely rare.) While the screen size is noticeable the smaller 15" seems quite a bit more portable, and it's a decent amount cheaper, so I may stick with 15" in the future.

It's not even 'dinner time', so I'm writing a touch earlier than usual. But things seemed to have turned out ok so far. I may even zonk out a bit later. My cold still has me feeling pretty exhausted. But for the most part I feel maybe not quite so sad, and I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4465 (V:189) - 9/21 - Wounds

Today I feel sad about my wounds. Maybe it's this lingering cold that has it at the front of my mind, but the past few days I've become very aware of wounds on my right arm and other places. The spots started as tiny pimple-like spots, maybe bites, maybe my eczema, I'm not sure. But now there are a few divits about 1/4" around.

It's nothing terrible, certainly nothing life threatening, but it makes me think about, and feel very sad about, how difficult it is for me to take care these days. I can't just get a shower and be all clean overall, then put a fresh bandage on, then be careful and restful during the day. That's not an option for me. I do have bandages, but really with poor food options, and limited rest options, my recovery of anything can be extremely slow.

I suppose I'll be fine. And eventually hopefully fine overall. But days like today I feel extra sad, and extra limited, and everything feels difficult.

Day 4466 (V:190) - 9/22 - A Tuesday

Today is another Tuesday. I am still doing predicitive writing. I suppose I've done Tuesday predicative writing to varying degrees most of the homeless time now. I used to not. I used to do the writing and post at the end of the day. I think I stopped due to classes, or fear that I'd not get a chance to post in time.

These days it seems strange. To think ahead for a day and really... expect nothing. Stranger to be in a bad spot in life and expect nothing will change. That nothing will get better.

But I have to continue to try to hang on emotionally and physically. Because I hope, someday, that things will eventually get better.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2020
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher