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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 673

Day 4705 (V:429) - 5/19 - Dinner and a movie

Today was good, but also very sad. I visited the ex-roomie for laundry and we watched a movie after she cooked dinner. Though I had to wait for her to cook, and the longer I waited on the couch the more sad I became. I thought about how it was 'my spot' when I lived there, as well as many other thoughts. I almost started crying , but I managed ok.

So today was different. I was inside, not outside overexposed and overly drained by too much sun, too much noise, and too much heat or cold. It was a better day, and it was a worse day. But I suppose everything is sad and painful these days.

Day 4706 (V:430) - 5/20 - Special things

Today there were a few special things. I can still be safe inside, so I got to sleep in. I had to go get food, and I got a special food. (Which for some reason getting that and four things at the store took 45 minutes. ) And in the evening I got to watch 2 live things I don't normally get to watch.

Everything was still very sad though. Even the most simple things take so much longer, or simply can't be done while homeless. But at least I have a little less sad today.

Day 4707 (V:431) - 5/21 - Feeling pretty sad

Today I have been feeling pretty sad. It was a better day in that today and probably most of tomorrow I am still in shelter, but I've been extremely sad and on the verge of tears all day. I think I'm just home sick. I want to have and live in a home again. I want to have simple things like showers, cooking, or sitting at a desk when on my computer. I want to stop having to worry about if I will still be able to eat, sleep, and live the next day, so I can look beyond it.

Day 4708 (V:432) - 5/22 - Sad day, hot day

Today is very sad. I still felt extreme depression when I was sheltered, and now in the afternoon I'm back to my regular sad homeless life.

It feels way hotter than the weather says. It's showing in the low 70s, but it feels more like the low 80s. I'm overly hot and even sweating here in the car.

I'm not sure what to say for today. I was sheltered near my stuff in the morning. I played pretty much a pretty regular amount. Though I did sleep in, getting 10 hours of sleep, as I have each time I could sleep in. But yesterday and today I felt pretty profoundly sad. Maybe because I keep hearing everyone's plans for 'when things re-open, I'll do this and that'. It's not really that I'm jealous of that specific plan. I'm jealous of the ability to have a stable enough life you can have a plan to make. With everything unstable and uncertain in my life all I can do is hope for a minimal amount of time with my games, shows, and job searching, and hope that nothing bad happens.

While I was extremely sad, I expect in a few days I'll be back to my regular homeless life, my regular routines, and things will fade in memory. And my life will go back to the same endless homeless day it has been.

Day 4709 (V:433) - 5/23 - Slow extra

Today seemed to pass extremely slowly. I started by watching a bit of game news on something I'd play casually that comes out in about 2 months. After maybe 30 minutes of that I started my day and played my MMO while an old game downloaded in the background. I did my usual MMO things, then stopped for lunch.

After lunch I played the old game for about an hour because it's doing an anniversary event and there's been a lot of news lately about its sequel. I didn't get any special loot, but I guess it was fun enough. It's one of the few PvP games I ... guess you could say I enjoyed the most. Though I left because people in the random game mode, for the most part, seemed to lack even the most basic tactical knowledge. And in the competitive mode they did nothing but complain to each other. I just did the random mode, and, well... it seems nothing has changed. People still were doing very dumb things, and even there in a few matches people complained at each other. I don't know if I'll play more to try for more event things or not. There is a new game coming Tuesday that I've pre-ordered, so I expect that will get a lot of my attention.

After that I played my (old) shooter for a bit. I guess it's fun, but every 'season' rapidly devolves into repeatedly doing the same few things over and over and over and over. In the 6+ years it's been out it's barely changed at all. I'm constantly amazed how many keep playing it and sing its praises.

After that I watched a bit of a show while I had 'dinner'. And that was really my day. Really, basically, just an average homeless day.

I guess today was ok, though I don't feel so great. I don't know if that's because my lunch/dinner meat is wrecking me, or if it's a cold or general allergies. I've been extremely tired, had a headache most of the day, and have been sniffly and sneezy. As usual, all I can really do is hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 4710 (V:434) - 5/24 - An odd hello

Today there isn't much to say of real consequence. There have been the pole construction people making noise and generally making me feel bad (due to the system disruption) for a few hours now. This is the third time they have come and messed with this street pole over the past two months, and it likely means they will be here tomorrow making a lot of noise most of the day too.

The person who walks by me pretty much every day (for the past few months) said something as she passed by. She had pulled her mask half off to say it and was smiling. But I was super busy in a dungeon, and can't hear voices clearly with my headphones on anyways, so I pulled off one ear and said, 'what?' half smiling. She repeated (?) that she missed me last week when I was gone. She didn't slow her pace, she probably walks this route during a work break, and she was rounding the corner when she said that, so I just chuckled and smiled. It's odd because I've seen her weekdays for at least a few months now, maybe more, and she never seemed to acknowledge me before. (Just walk by doing stuff on her phone.) I guess it's just one of those touchstone things. Like I'd heard from a few people back in the day in the school times where they felt things were right when they'd seen me as they passed by on their way to class.

That's really it for the day. I feel kind of wrecked still. I'm exhausted feeling, kind of headachy, and it feels like I'm warm enough to take off my hoodie, but if I did I'd start to get chills.

I guess, as always, I tried my best to hang on, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 4711 (V:435) - 5/25 - New game

Today I'm not sure what to expect. I have a new game I pre-ordered that releases today. It's gotten mixed reviews though. A few kind of slam it pretty hard, while others really like some of its aspects that make it unique. I also got a game on super crazy sale for $15 on Monday that's usually $60, so I grabbed that to play too.

I hope I am warm enough. I hope I feel rested and better (since I've been feeling cold kind of sick lately). Hopefully I'll have fun with my games. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Week 674

Day 4712 (V:436) - 5/26 - Alone time

Today I felt a lot like I wanted to be alone. In my MMO I didn't really talk or engage with anyone. I basically just spent a couple of hours doing my daily solo things and left. I played my (old) shooter for a bit, where I didn't really talk to anyone. (Though there I effectively never talk to anyone anyways.) And then I played a new game for a little bit that is a single player game. And after that I watched a show for a bit.

It's getting into evening now when I have to be in my car and I wish it wasn't so warm so I could put my windows up to block out the sound of people and cars and such. I guess I'm just feeling extra sad lately.

There are some large scratches on the outside of my right forearm. I don't know where or how I got them. Maybe I scratched in my sleep and my eczema caused it. I don't know. It looks like it will take a few weeks to clear. Maybe that is why I feel extra sad lately. It's a reminder of how I can't really take care of myself. And how when I get hurt there isn't really extra care I can give myself to get better.

I'm not sure the reason or cause, but I guess I just feel extra sad lately overall. And all I can try to do is my best to not feel so sad. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 4713 (V:437) - 5/27 - Still pretty sad

Today I am still feeling pretty sad. As the day went on things made me feel more and more sad. There were people being asses in my MMO. Then I felt like I "needed" to do dailies in a card game I sometimes play, and the shooter, so that was a few hours I would have rather been playing or doing other things. And by the time I said I was too sad and was going to just do what I wanted and try to emotionally take care of myself, it was effectively too late. It had gotten to the blinding hour, and really (unless I move spots) at that point I can only watch shows because the screen becomes too hard to see details clearly.

I guess lately I should just spend more time doing what I want (that I am able to do) instead of just doing what I feel I am required to do with things that don't really matter. Only a few seem to worry or care about me, and there is currently no one watching out and caring for me emotionally or physically day-to-day, so I have to try to do it myself.

All I can do is try to continue to hang on.

Day 4714 (V:438) - 5/28 - Feeling kind of sick

Today I'm feeling pretty sick. I'm still pretty exhausted and I've been super sneezy. I took an allergy pill and a decongestant but they barely have done anything for me. My chicken I had left from yesterday for lunch and dinner today really didn't help either. It reacted... badly with my system.

I did try to break from my 'normal' routines to do more of what I wanted, and I do feel a little better emotionally. But I think the physical issues are dragging me further down. All I can do is try to manage as best as I can with what little I have, and try my best to hang on.

Day 4715 (V:439) - 5/29 - Fast day

Today started out very cold and slow feeling. It was gray and looked like rain up until noon. I did my MMO daily stuff quicker than expected and almost did a fancy raid, but they couldn't get enough people. Which is fine, as the two leaders didn't seem trustworthy or capable.

I played a new game for a bit in the afternoon that is super cute and more casual in style. Then I watched a show. When the day was over it kind of felt like it had just begun. I remember the time passing as it should, but it only felt like 2/3 of a day or just over half of the time happened.

I guess it was a good day. Even though I did get super good rest last night, I feel exhausted, and still very sad.

Day 4716 (V:440) - 5/30 - Cold, hot, cold, hot

Today it is suddenly hot again. In the past day or so it's gone from a peak of the low 70s to the low 80s. I was pretty sad today still. I guess less congested and sneezy, but still so extremely tired I kind of felt like I was half asleep most of the day. When I was playing my games I was kind of just reacting, not really thinking or analyzing anything. I stopped playing early to both watch a show and to keep the heat generation in the laptop low. Its temps showed as fine, but I kind of wasn't in the mood to play anymore because I was so tired, but also I was starting to worry as the outside temps started getting over 80F. By 2 I was so warm I'd taken off my hoodie and outer shirt and rolled up my pant legs to be like shorts.

I think my food stamp money got a boost. I checked the amount this morning and it showed nearly a full month of money, which seems odd since my cycle date is the 6th, so it should have only shown about 1/4 of the full amount. I suppose it's possible since its increase I've not spent that increase, and if that were the case for 2 or 3 months then that would explain the extra. I didn't get any warning or notice about extra money (like I got back in the day when they paid benefits early due to the government shut down), so I'll just consider it a one time boon and not worry about it. I try not to fixate over the amount because counting it out and budgeting it constantly becomes extremely stressful. (I normally do a casual check at half way, and then start monitoring below $50.) I did also buy a small hot food to see if I could and it does look like I can still do that. So, if they start putting out soups again soon I guess I can sometimes get something cooked. Or maybe I could pick up smaller cooked items.

But I'm still feeling pretty bad and sad. I think, as much as I'm used to terribleness in my life, these new world changes are making me feel like recovery will be impossible now. And my life will just continue to get worse and worse.

Day 4717 (V:441) - 5/31 - Quick day, hot day

Today seemed to pass pretty quickly. In the morning the streamer I usually watch was busy, so they started later and ran later than normal. That was probably a big part of why the day seemed to pass quickly. I did have fun in my new game too though, so that may have helped.

I'm still pretty sad though, and sill a bit sneezy. I'm not sure why I'm still so congested and tired. The day got super hot. As I'm writing this the temperature is showing at 88F. Though in the shade where I am I'm getting a cool gentle breeze (though the sun will be on me in about 30 min), so it feels like the high 70s.

I guess today was ok, so i try to hang on.

Day 4718 (V:442) - 6/1 - Expansion

Today my MMO got an expansion that I pre-purchased a while ago, so there should be lots of new fun to be had. Hopefully the day won't get too hot, as I worry about my system when the temperature gets so hot. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

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