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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 639

Day 4467 (V:191) - 9/23 - Extreme stuffiness and sneezes

Today I have extreme stuffiness and sneezing. Today and yesterday I have had tons of sneezing almost nonstop. I don't know why this cold or allergies won't go away, but it's the worst. I'm also just extremely exhausted and a bit extra hungry, and have massive congestion and lymph node swelling along my neck, causing pretty massive headaches.

I guess the day was ok, though it was a pretty standard homeless day. It's evening, as I forgot to do the writing earlier. I'm trying to relax and let the troubles and sadness of the day leave, as it is now dark and it's easier to relax. But I'm still so very congested, my ears are ringing a bit, and I feel a touch feverish and dizzy. I started feeling a touch dizzy yesterday too in the late afternoon. I hope I can get some extra rest and recover.

I guess this cold or allergies happen every few years. I am now remembering something about an entire December I felt like this a few years ago. But I guess nothing bad happened. And so I try to continue to hang on.

Day 4468 (V:192) - 9/24 - Runny nose day

Today is runny nose day apparently. Some sneezing, sure, but mostly the nose hasn't stopped being congested and running down my face. Which, I suppose, is better than being completely stuffed and having headaches. Though the runniness and sniffles have pretty much wrecked my throat.

Today was pretty good. A walker came by twice at my spot in the library, coming from the side that I have no warning on. So that was annoying as it gave me no time to put on my mask. The regular walker didn't show up at all. And in the late afternoon a super old guy came stumbling down the path. I'm not sure if he was drunk or just unstable due to age, but he seemed like a zombie with his unstable shuffle towards me.

The temperature today was warmer overall. But the shaded area remained cool, so I stayed as late as I could, which is about 3:15 when the sun starts to hit the area I have the laptop in. The signal was solid and stable the whole night, so that was good.

Today was a nice 'day off' from worry and trouble, but now going into late afternoon and early evening, I'll be back to regular homeless times. But I try to not feel too sad. I try to not let my limitations get me too down. And hopefully I can make it to better days ahead.

Day 4469 (V:193) - 9/25 - Still wrecked

Today I am still completely wrecked by my cold. I'm still completely congested and stuffed up. My tummy is starting to get weirded out by all the congestion I think. It feels sick, hungry, full, upset, just a little bit of each, all the time. I am exhausted, and usually I feel extremely hungry.

The streamer I watch had a pretty fun stream, and chat had a good time, so there was that. Really the day has been pretty regular besides that. The weather got a bit confused though, as it's warm, but there is a cold breeze, so there is a weird mixture of warm and cold.

So, as always, I continue to try to manage my best and try to hang on.

Day 4470 (V:194) - 9/26 - Symptoms lessen

Today my cold symptoms are finally lessening. There were some weird dreams last night, and I'm still wrecked in my throat. But there have been few sneezes, and not a lot of snot. It could be because I'm overdosing on allergy pills instead of just taking one. You aren't supposed to take more than one every 24 hours, so I won't overdose for long.

I'm still starving though. I feel like I could eat double my normal amount of food. I'd love to get some cooked food, but I only have one meal left on the gift card. I thought I'd bring my card with me to a different place, but I didn't, as the pizza slice was just meh, and everything else is very expensive. I am getting short on regular food money though (and money overall) so I have to be very careful.

I guess today was good. I was outside the library and had a pretty good time. I feel like I'm forgetting something though. Like there is something I'm supposed to do or something happening that I should be a part of. But I can't think of what it would be for.

I feel extra sad due to my cold. It makes me think of activities (shower, sleeping in, just laying around and watching stuff) that I can't do, and makes me hungry for foods I can't have (chicken soup, pasta, minestrone soup, hamburger and fries). All I can do is the same as always; try to not be so sad, try to push out thoughts of things I can't have or do, and try my best to hang on emotionally and physically.

Day 4471 (V:195) - 9/27 - Heat spike

Today I wondered when I woke up if I should get my laptop to do stuff in the car for a couple of hours. Though if I have it I am much more tempted to just go outside the library, so I considered that too. I decided not to though, as I'm still behind on listening to things, and because I'm still wiped out from these allergies, or cold, or whatever.

I'm glad I didn't have it with me, as there seems to be a bit of a heat spike. If I were to guess, due to my being genuinely hot in the car, it's probably about 90F or hotter. So it's probably better I didn't have it with me, as heat like this isn't good for electronics.

No new news that I know of. It's the weekend, so pretty much all news has stopped for the moment. Nothing bad or good happened, so really it's just another day I continue to try to hang on and not be too sad. And hopefully I can continue to hang on long enough.

Day 4472 (V:196) - 9/28 - Worried about dad

Today I am a bit worried about my dad. It's his birthday soon, so I sent an e-card. He replied and said last Friday he fell over and wasn't feeling well. Later they took him to the hospital and discovered his heart rate was extremely low at around 30 BPM. They put in a temporary pacemaker and I guess Sunday did a surgery to put in a permanent one. I guess he says he feels much better now than he has in recent times, but still.

He's 30 years older than me, and if we go by the age his dad was when he died I would guess that means he has about 6 years left. While I hope he gets those and more, I worry. We will never be close, and even if I wasn't in this terrible spot I don't know that we would ever be as close as we should. But it would be nice to not be so distant. I just don't think it will ever be possible, since he always said I'd be a failure.

I'm still very hungry and exhausted. And I guess it's getting very hot again. I saw a weather app saying it was 95F. If it stays this hot I worry I won't be able to do much with my laptop until things cool down. Over 90F is bad for anything electronic as hot ambient air means things can't cool down.

I guess overall things really didn't change. So I continue to try to hang on as best as I can.

Day 4473 (V:197) - 9/29 - Possibly hot Tuesday

Today will hopefully not be too hot. I'll be outside of the library in a shaded spot, so hopefully I can stay cool. At least until around 3, when the sun starts to rapidly encroach where I sit with the laptop.

There won't be a stream to watch, which is very unusual, but I have some stuff to edit, so I have that to do.

Hopefully I can get good sleep. Hopefully I can be restful and calm. This cold seems unending, and I try to struggle through it. So hopefully I can continue to hang on and make it to better days.

Week 640

Day 4474 (V:198) - 9/30 - Shade shift

Today someone was in my parking spot in the morning, so I parked next to it assuming it would also get shade. It seems, now walking back to the car from my morning time near the store, it has no shade at all. The two spots that have shade from the tree seem to have shifted. In the months I've been parking in this lot it seems the sun has now shifted about 40 degrees in where the sun and shade hit. The spot I'm writing in used to get shade by now, but looking at the angle it may be 2-3 more hours before it starts getting any.

I'm still extremely congested, sniffly, and have pretty extreme sinus and lymph node pressure. Which is terrible news as yesterday and today that has led to pressure in my jaw, which has led to near blinding levels of pain in my teeth. I've had to kind of overdose on pain meds to keep it under control. If, and that's a big if, I remember to take the normal dosage every 4 hours it seems manageable with a high dosage of normal. But if I forget and it goes longer I have to go beyond a normal max dosage to keep the pain manageable.

So far today I was in the shade, and it was chilly enough to have my hoodie on. Now in the sun, in my car, I'm hot, not quite sweating. I'm purposely not rolling my windows down much to see if the heat helps penetrate my sinuses and drain me. It doesn't feel as hot as the weather predicted the heat would get to, so that's good. It seems strange to think all these years I've missed the heat, and been sad about missing summer weather by being forced indoors due to my sad life. And now for that same reason I'm forced into weather that is unhealthy for me.

I guess as always this just seems like a reminder that I can't control things. And all I can do is continue to try to hang on emotionally and physically.

Day 4475 (V:199) - 10/1 - Not too hot

Today the weather app said it was just over 100F at the high point. It didn't feel quite that hot though. It did feel hot, as I am down to just my t-shirt, but it didn't feel sweatingly hot. My system stayed cool enough too, which is great. It wasn't really hotter than it gets when I'm normally gaming.

I'm still extremely sneezy and hungry. I am still almost continually stuffy, and I made a huge pile of nose blowing tissue while outside the library today.

I guess besides the weather turning hot again lately nothing really changed. Nothing was really better, but I suppose no worse. Just a regular homeless day. And, I suppose since I got to play and do stuff outside the library, that at least is something. So I continue to try to hang on emotionally and physically. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4476 (V:200) - 10/2 - Not as hot

Today isn't as hot as it was yesterday, supposedly peaking at 95F. I decided to go over to the library outside spot. I've been extra sad lately and I thought it might help. (And it might indirectly help recover from this cold, since there would be 3 people passing by me all day as opposed to 3 passing by every 15 minutes.) It didn't feel very hot in the shade until probably about 11:30, at which point I was down to just my t-shirt on top and starting to feel a little uncomfortable.

There was a re-run stream, and even though there were 30 people in chat no one was talking, so it was a very quiet day.

I spent a lot of time doing 'maintenance' things I haven't really had the chance to do, so I've gotten caught up on that. After, I had a couple of hours to play. But I didn't do anything fancy, just 'daily' stuff in my MMO really.

I think there are more fires lately. Yesterday and today things smell a bit smoky. There is a bit of a haze too, though not as bad as yesterday or the day before.

I guess for today being yet another homeless day I don't feel too terrible. Really nothing changed, but I guess nothing negative happened either. And these days that is at least something.

Day 4477 (V:201) - 10/3 - Sad inside

Today I felt a bit happier on the outside, but still very sad on the inside. Even on days when I come to be outside the library and things are mostly private (probably even more than if I'd have been inside) my mind still thinks of what I'm missing, what I can't control or have, and how my life is different from everyone else.

It was, I suppose, about as good as I could have hoped today would be. Only a couple of people walked by, and I had time to put my mask on when they did. It was below 80F until about noon, and peaked I think in the low 90s around when I left the library spot. The laptop was fine though, and a few points when I was not gaming the laptop fans quieted down to normal idle speeds, indicating inside wasn't affected by the hotter than normal temperatures outside.

I'd have preferred to be cooler though. From about 1 on I had a hard time thinking. My brain just got hot and sleepy. I suppose I didn't need to think since I was just doing basic stuff in my MMO and played a bit in single player games.

Oh that reminds me, I re-downloaded a game that's four years old I may play again. It defaulted resolution to the most ridiculous settings it could. And what previously took more than a minute, sometimes two minutes to load, was loading instantly. So the combination of better system tech overall, and the faster speed of the M.2 over SSD, seems to have vastly improved its performance.

Though as part of my sad feeling today I wanted to play my new games more than anything. Likely because I now know I can (with the new laptop). But even though the ones I want aren't out for about 5 to 6 weeks, I feel like I won't be able to play them at all because I don't have any money for them. If dad sends a lot of Halloween money, and I get other donations, it may be possible to get one. But with a big web space bill at the end of the year, that has to be paid before I can do anything else.

So today I feel great loss. Both for things I have lost so far, things I can't have, and things in the future I will likely miss out on as well. All I can do is try to hang on tight to the things that remain. And hopefully I can make it through to better days.

Day 4478 (V:202) - 10/4 - Dodging the heat

Today I felt pretty sleepy. My cold or allergies are still kicking my butt. I'm still extremely congested. And my lymph nodes in my jaw and neck are swollen, causing me to clench my jaw all the time, which makes a bit of a chocking feeling and soreness in my jaw joint all the time. I have to actively concentrate on not clinching my jaw.

Today was warm, but not too bad. In the later morning there wasn't shade on my car yet, and the new sun angle was burning in the side, which caused me to get really extremely hot. So I left my car for about two hours and watched videos and played my card game for a bit.

The day was pretty sad. Thinking of what I miss. Thinking how very extremely tired I am from all the constant overstimulation of being outside (and at risk) all the time. But I guess I survived the day. And these days that often feels like that is all I can do.

Day 4479 (V:203) - 10/5 - Cold start

Today started out so cold that I wondered if I should go back to the ex-garage and get some different cloths. I think today peaked in the low 80s, so it didn't get super warmed up. But at the start it was in the high 60s, which felt frigid when compared to the peaks of 100F just a few days ago. I guess apparently by Saturday there's a 40% chance of rain (whatever that % means), so I guess we'll see if it continues to stay cold.

I almost didn't take an allergy pill in the morning. Since my congestion is non-stop I figured why bother. But in just a few minutes past when I'd have normally taken one I started sneezing, my eyes started feeling itchy, and my ears started ringing a bit. So I went ahead and took one, and pretty quickly the symptoms disappeared. Though the congestion remains non-stop. So I've been sniffly and had a runny nose all day. I had some decongestants a few weeks ago and they did nothing at all to alleviate my congestion.

Not much else really new for the day. I've been extra super sad lately. This cold certainly isn't helping. There are brief moments when I'm playing or watching game news, but it's become more and more rare to be happy these days.

It's my mid-afternoon now, but at least so far I have survived the day. And so I try to continue to hang on.

Day 4480 (V:204) - 10/6 - Continuing cycle

Today is another Tuesday and so the weekly cycle continues. I expect I'll be chilly outside the library until around noon when things start to warm up.

I think the stream I normally watch is going to have some different times. But I'll probably just do regular stuff in my MMO, or play solo in a single player game. I've preferred my single player games lately. When I have so many sads, like I have lately, I just would rather be quiet and calm and alone. And in my MMO things always feel busy and noisy, even when they aren't.

I guess what exactly I do these days doesn't really matter. With things they way they are all I can do is try to hang on. Happy or sad, without opportunity things will remain the same, unchanging. And it may still be several months before things change to the point that there are opportunities.

So until then I try to continue on. I try to hold on tight to what remains. And hopefully I can hang on emotionally and physically. And hopefully I can recover to a better life before too much permanent damage is done to me.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2020
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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