Week 669
Day 4677 (V:401) - 4/21 - Barely eating
Today I have been barely eating or drinking anything. At first I thought it was to avoid needing to poop, causing me to leave and go outside. Since it's not on the way anywhere I'd be going that special trip would take 20-30 minutes of my day. But upon reflection I think it's more a deep depression. With everything that's changed, and seemingly getting closer and closer to recovery, I think subconsciously I'm getting more and more afraid that what was an already difficult recovery for me will be even more difficult since I'll now be fighting with so many others; who are in better positions in life, trying to also recover.
As always though, I can't change what can't be changed. I can't control what I can't control. And while I accept that things were very bad, now worse, it still makes me ffeel very lost, alone, and worried I may never recover. 
Day 4678 (V:402) - 4/22 - Appointment tomorrow
Today I'm back to my sad life. It must be super hot because I've been in the car for just a few minutes and I'm on the verge of being totally sweaty everywhere. I'm also starting to feel a bit nervous sick. I checked the vaccine site again and there was a place at the edge of my safe driving range that has appointments, so I set one up for early tomorrow. I've been getting more and more nervous hearing people say it made them feel sick. I hope I feel ok. I've already been having a super rough time with the crazy allergies lately.
Not much to say for today. I got to sleep in. I got to play on a stable connection until a few hours ago. And now I'm back to my regular sad homeless life. I prey the outside connection works when I try tomorrow. Hopefully the drive doesn't kill the car tomorrow. And so, I continue to try my best to hang on until better days.
Day 4679 (V:403) - 4/23 - Poked
Today I had my appointment to get poked. My car made the trip ok. I wonder if that's because I drove on regular streets, not exceeding 40 MPH, compared to the previous slightly longer trips where I'd drive for 15 minutes on the freeway at 75 MPH. It was basically the max 5 miles I'd allotted for a safe distance, so I didn't expect any trouble.
In line to be poked, right near the start, there were some stations with some pens and sticky notes, with no people at the desks. I drew one of my cute bunnies and stuck it to the clear shield. I wonder if anyone added their own drawings during the day. It would have been nice to see. When I was in the waiting area to be poked I kind of started freaking out. It was a lot more scary and traumatic than I thought it would be being there. I had to remind myself the barriers were just in case, and for privacy, not because everyone was sick. I managed ok and calmed down pretty quickly once I got to the observation area.
The rest of the day was about as good as I could have hoped for. There was one hang on the connection in the morning right when I arrived, but after that it was stable and clear all day. On the way to my night spot I got a special food to cheer me up. I wasn't too sad at that point, and had no symptoms other than a minor shoulder soreness, but it was nice.
So I guess things moved forward a tiny bit. And I continue to try to hang on.
Day 4680 (V:404) - 4/24 - Almost April showers
Today it was almost raining. All day the skies have been gray and cloudy. And it looked like the sun was under a blanket. I guess it's good though, as the extra cover meant no extreme heat or light during the 'blinding hour'. So while I did have the umbrella up so I coud see my screen better, it wasn't too hot or too bright to continue using my system. So I got about 1-1.5 hours extra I could use it past my normal spring or summer hours.
I think today was better than I feel like it was. I think my depression is lessening what would be otherwise happy feelings. I didn't get a fancy raid in my MMO, as almost no one seems to be doing them lately. I did help a guildie do a thing, so that was nice and fun. I had enough food that was ok. And I was 'warm enough', though I was borderline chilly all day due to the clouds preventing the warmth from getting through. The connection was stable and strong until late afternoon, where it dropped me a few times during important things. Hopefully it will stay clear.
I guess I managed ok today. And I guess I hung on ok. But I really wonder if I will ever recover and have the basic freedoms I used to have ever again.
Day 4681 (V:405) - 4/25 - Depression blindness
Today I have been pretty sad. There was an online convention this weekend that I've been wanting to do. I think it's the third year they've done it, it's always online, and there is a nice charity component of it that's for a good charity. I've been pretty sad I can't do any of the things because even if I tried to commit to a 4 hour thing, there would be no guarantee I could stay connected. And even if I could, it wouldn't be great for anyone. But this time I was extra sad because there was a raffle. My eyes saw prizes I could get for $3 or $6 entries, but the ones my eyes saw were things I couldn't really use because of my sad life. There was a live broadcast of the giveaways, and one of the things I could have entered for were super cute stuffed critters that were also dice bags. Somehow my eyes never saw those prizes. And the entries for them were really low, like 5-10 people. (There were 4 given away.)
I've always known my brain and eyes selectively ignore information based on what I can or can't do, or what I can or can't have, but it's extra sad to think about what I might be missing because things might be categorically skipped.
I suppose it's not a big deal to miss the thing. I've already missed previous years. Another missed cycle of a yearly thing I've already missed shouldn't be a surprise or something to mourn. But I do. I see things I miss and I wonder what could have been. And I hear the ticking clock of my life continuing to count down with every beat of my heart. And I wonder how many good things remain before that time runs out. And I wonder; of those, how many will I continue to miss?
Day 4682 (V:406) - 4/26 - Mixed day
Today has been a mixed day, both in weather and emotion. Overall I feel pretty sad still. Kind of even so much so there is 'reduced interest' in all the things. But I feel ok too. The weather was cold, and I grabbed an extra undershirt, and even put on my extra hoodie. Off and on the day has been clear and barely starting to warm up, but also been gray and seeming like it will start pouring rain. I'm still sniffly and sneezing from allergies, so that's not the best.
I guess I made it through the day. And that has to be something.
Day 4683 (V:407) - 4/27 - Unknown
Today I don't know what to expect. It's been wavering between cold rain and going back to warm the past few days. The connection has been much better lately, but it still drops me a few times a day.
Hopefully it will be warm, but not hot. Bright enough, but not overly bright. And hopefully the connection will stay strong and stable, so I can try and distract myself with all the things.
Week 670
Day 4684 (V:408) - 4/28 - Super hot again
Today it is super hot again. I survived half of the blinding hour, but when the sun was fully on my area I had to leave (about an hour earlier than usual.) I'm in my night spot now, and it's only been about 30 minutes, and I'm pretty sweaty. There is a cool breeze though, so hopefully I'll rapidly cool in about an hour when the sun starts to set.
I guess today was ok. I got in a fancy raid, but lately my MMO has been pretty empty. I wonder if younglings and many adults are going back to their places. The connection was solid and stayed connected, so it seems it may be free of whatever trouble was happening.
I'm pretty sneezy, still heavily affected by allergies. And I still feel pretty sad overall. But I got good time outside the library, so that helped to not feel so sad. And so I continue to try to hang on.
Day 4685 (V:409) - 4/29 - Warm enough, cool enough
Today the temperature was pretty even. It was bright and warm. I took my hoodie off around, I think, 1, but it wasn't hot. It was cool enough I felt fine staying through the blinding time. (My tummy did feel a bit off, so I did leave about 45 minutes earlier than I otherwise would have.)
I felt better than usual I suppose. I laughed a couple of times, which is pretty rare for me these days. The connection was strong and stable, so my online time was undisturbed, and I did get a chance for a fancy raid, though I didn't get any items I am missing.
I guess, all in all, today was pretty good, and I survived ok.
Day 4686 (V:410) - 4/30 - Hot to cool
Today weather was a bit weird. It started pretty warm and I even took my hoodie off at like 9:30. But within about an hour I got chilly and kept it on for the rest of the day. What was seemingly like a start towards a hot day turned into kind of muggy and gray and rainy looking cloud cover.
The connection was kind of laggy. So much so I got kind of depressed and left only doing about 2/3 of my normal online game playing. Since I was lagging and nearly dropped a few times, my heart was broken and I just wasn't interested. But then, I kind of have felt extra brokenhearted lately in general. I spent the extra time watching a special stream of a game I'd love to play, but can't. (It's a console exclusive.)
I guess today was ok. There were some nice things to it. But, as always these days, there were many things that made me sad and worried. And all I can do is try to hang on.
Day 4687 (V:411) - 5/1 - Strangled awake
Today seemed pretty calm. I had a good time in my game, so in the early afternoon I felt like doing different things than I normally do. Which is good because the connection started to become unstable at that point.
It was strange weather though. It was warm, cool, and at one point I could swear I felt a sprinkle across my face, as if it were raining and the slight breeze carried the mist to me.
I am extremely exhausted though. My allergies are killing me. I think I'm not sleeping much at night. I was woken up probably more than an hour earlier than usual because my nose was plugged completely shut. I could barely breathe.
I guess overall today was ok though. I played as much as I felt I wanted to. And I did some different things. So I guess I made it through ok.
Day 4688 (V:412) - 5/2 - Feeling kind of sick
Today was ok I suppose. It was kind of cold in the morning, being closer to 60F most of the day than not. I had to go get my extra hoodie from the car and wear that most of the day. It wasn't until the afternoon that things warmed up to about 75F. Even then, since I was in the shade, it felt pretty chilly.
I feel kind of sick. Though I suppose that isn't really much of a surprise since my allergies and congestion have been going crazy for probably about a month now. So this likely is just mostly a variation of that. Though I've had salami a few days now, and that doesn't do great in warmer weather. Though it's not been in the sun, it's been 'room temperature' this whole time. Which I guess isn't terrible for hard dry salami, but it certainly would fare better in winter weather.
I'm actually a bit less congested today so far, but fooooo. I'm totally exhausted having lost a lot of sleep lately. I do remember large portions of last night I was only half asleep because of the congestion almost completely preventing me from breathing.
I suppose the day wasn't terrible. I feel ok-ish. My mind was constantly fixated on thoughts of death or great harm, so I've been much more sad, depressed, and worried deep down than usual. But all I can do is try to let go of those thoughts. Try to accept things are what they are. And try my best to hang on; emotionally and physically.
Day 4689 (V:413) - 5/3 - Upset
Today a couple of things upset me. Much more in a disruptive imbalanced way than any other way. First, in the late morning a person who I can only think to describe as a vagrant started hanging out at the bench closest to me. (Rail thin, had a cart with bags of stuff in it, not super well kept appearance.) The first thing that got my attention was that I noticed him smoking. It's not super close, probably 15 feet away, but that is close enough if someone smoked a lot it could trigger my asthma. But what really upset me was when he came to the bush just about 6 feet from me and started undoing his pants. I was like, "Dude?! There's an open bathroom right around the corner over there." And he just proceeded to pee saying he was sorry and can't wait. Really? You have a cart with stuff in it, and are peeing outside of city hall, on the street side of the building where there are cars passing by and offices with completely windowed walls right across the street? He's been out here 4 hours now at the time I'm writing this and in spite of staring at him every 30 minutes or so he's showing no signs of leaving.
The next thing happened maybe 30 minutes ago. The gardener came by. (He talked to the vagrant guy and I'd hoped he was shooing him away, but I guess he kind of knows the guy.) And without saying what he was doing he turned on the sprinklers to test them. Now in his defense they are designed to spray away from me, and he only had them on for maybe 15 seconds. But it's kind of a breezy day. I've got my laptop out, which he can clearly see, and I'm only 4 feet from the nearest sprinkler, and maybe 6 from the next closest. You'd think he'd at least warm ne and give me the option to move before testing. He seems nice enough, and was distracted by the vagrant, so I'll assume he 'didn't want to bother or burden me by telling me, or possibly make me feel unwelcome'. But still. If the spray were any stronger, or persisted longer, or gods forbid one aimed at me, there was a decent chance it would hit my laptop.
While there are still a few hours before I leave, and a few hours of the night after that, I am feeling pretty irked and off balance.
Day 4690 (V:414) - 5/4 - Hoping for better
Today I will hope for a better day. I will hope that vagrant person doesn't come back. (As he calls a lot of attention towards my area.) I hope other things don't disrupt or upset my day. Though I do realize how extremely fortunate I am to have decided to come to this spot, and likely due to the nature of this area's income level, other's haven't needed it (and pushed me out.)
But I have so very little left. I have so few nice things. And I am so very fragile and easily shaken these days by the smallest of things.
