Week 935
Day 6539 - 5/27 - Terrible eye day
Today is a pretty terrible eye day. It is back to being like someone streaked grease and sprinkled pepper onto my contact. It was extremely distracting to the point there hasn't been a second all day I wasn't fixated on how annoying it is. Lunch upset my tummy a bit too, so that hasn't been great.
I suppose the day certainly could have been worse, but it certainly could have been better too.
Day 6540 - 5/28 - Feeling very afraid
Today I have been very afraid. I have for a few nights now. It's probably left over feelings from the broken window. Overall I feel kind of afraid in general, but in specific I've had several more panic attacks over the past few days worrying about my end. I start fearing the day I'll be gone, start shaking and hyper ventilating, and get on the verge of uncontrollably crying. Thankfully I've been able to stop myself and calm down at that point enough to not, but I feel very unstable lately.
I got a random call from the eye doctor people today. A guy offered to let me come in for an emergency appointment. I turned him down because it's kind of a very big deal to go down there. I have to pack everything up, spend about 20 minutes driving, then if we assume I have to wait 30 minutes for a visit (which is average), say an extremely short 45 minute visit to be looked at, 20 minutes back, that's around 2 or more hours at least. I figured if they don't really feel too worried about what I said in the messages it probably isn't anything really to be super worried about and I'll just be sure the head doctor person sees me at my already scheduled appointment in like 1.5 weeks. Mostly the issue is the floater blocking my view, which I know they can't really help with. The other issues come and go to various degrees and mostly seem like medicine side effects.
Part of me does think now that I should have gone for peace of mind. And of course I'll really be mad at myself if in 1.5 weeks they say I'm screwed and this is now permanent damage because I waited. (Though my ankle issue I thought for years was permanent damage because I didn't see a doctor turned out to be a genetic thing I had no way to prevent, and I did not cause it. And the recent kidney scare I guess is something that takes 6 or more months of being the worst to worry about. So I guess I need to trust them, even though I feel like these are big emergency things.) I hope I'll be ok, and honestly it is getting very slightly better most days.
I guess it was an ok day, but as usual, it certainly could have been better.
Day 6541 - 5/29 - Weirdly dizzy
Today in the past few hours I've become weirdly dizzy. It started a bit after I had lunch. I felt a bit wobbly and had a harder time focusing. Now as we get into the evening and I have left the library I am having a hard time walking straight. Walking down the stairs I held the rail because I could feel my body wobbling back and forth with each step.
I have no clue why I'm dizzy. I'll use the machine the docs gave me to check my blood pressure later. Maybe something is off there? I do kind of have a headache too, but I have no clue what could have triggered this. I did have some 'general tso's chicken' which I haven't had in probably at least 8 months. I guess if I feel better in the later evening and start to feel dizzy again tomorrow after lunch I'll assume it's that. Though I've never had a reaction like this to food before. The only time I remember ever feeling like this is a few years ago when I had that anaphylactic shock type reaction to the animal fur hat.
Hopefully I'm ok and whatever this is goes away soon.
Day 6542 - 5/30 - Not dizzy
Today I was not dizzy, so I don't know why I was yesterday. Maybe I was so very slightly that I didn't really notice? But it was nowhere near as much as yesterday, and really I only noticed a low level migraine. My bad eye was very bad again, so I didn't get much done today. But it was a pretty ok day otherwise.
Day 6543 - 5/31 - Bothered
Today I am still bothered by mostly my bad eye, but also something on my back that feels like it's scratching me. Maybe something on a piece of clothing is doing it, or I have a big scratch and the clothing is irritating it, I'm not sure. And my eye is like someone booping my nose non-stop. It's like quit it and stop bugging me! Hopefully things will be ok otherwise and it will be an ok day.
Day 6544 - 6/1 - Hopefully better
Today hopefully my eye is getting better. It's been forever since I could focus on doing anything real with my time due to it being so constantly distracting. Hopefully nothing bad happens with my day. I have had too much extra bad lately.
Day 6545 - 6/2 - Hoping for better
Today I am still hoping for my bad eye to be better. It would be truly terrible if it stays this bad forever. I saw in a video online there is actually a somewhat dangerous procedure they can do where they inject the eye with stuff that bonds to the floater which they can then boop with a laser to explode it. I really hope it doesn't require doing something risky like that to fix my vision. My next eye poking is on the 8th, just a touch less than a week, so I'll know more then hopefully on what to expect or hope for in terms of it clearing up again.
Hopefully I can continue to hang on and be better soon.
Week 936
Day 6546 - 6/3 - So very tired
Today I am so very tired. For some reason the past few nights I've lost a lot of sleep. I have just had a really rough time getting to sleep. I have no clue why. I have been extremely congested, sneezing, and had some migraines lately, so maybe I have a cold. Or I may still be stressed about the window loss and repair. Or maybe I'm extra worried about my bad eye and my eventual end. I don't know.
My tummy was upset by the food I had today, so that wasn't great. But I suppose things didn't get worse today either, so I try to stay hopeful, and I try to hang on to what is left, and hopefully I can continue to hang on.
Day 6547 - 6/4 - Briefly not too bad
Today my bad eye was briefly not bad. It was sad though because I'd done just about 1 hour of creative stuff then it started to go back to its very distracting smeared blur. I guess at least I got to do a little creating. It was disappointing though because it had me feeling like I'd get a solid start on the day and then be unable to create for a few hours. If it continues I may just have to try my best to work around it. It's stopped creativity for a very long time now and I really don't know when I will truly be clear of vision and able to focus again.
Tummy was again a little upset at my food choice, so that wasn't great. But otherwise I guess it was a pretty ok day.
Day 6548 - 6/5 - Bad attempt
Today I tried to do some pen and paper stuff, but it was pretty bad, so I abandoned it. Food was ok, but kind of bland. I have somehow used up all my money, which is fine because it comes back in the morning, but I had chicken and bread, so no real flavors to speak of.
My eye was again kind of smeared most of the day, so that didn't make me feel great. There were a lot of flashes too, which is worrying. I still don't know for sure if they are the very bad flashes, or if it's just light being reflected due to the bad floater. My eye poking is on Monday, so I may know more then.
So today really I just tried to hang on. I wanted to do more, but what I tried to do made me feel bad, so that wasn't great. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 6549 - 6/6 - Clinching my jaw
Today apparently I was so cold I had been clinching my jaw and didn't realize it. I sort of noted it during the day, knew I was cold, but I didn't realize clinching my jaw was causing a migraine until after I left the library and it was warm outside when I finally stopped clinching that I realized I had done it for so long my jaw was really hurting now that it was released.
My bad eye was bad, unsurprisingly. But I did notice when the day started it was actually pretty ok, so that meant something about my eating or changing to afternoon could be causing it to get worse. I could maybe flop my day around a bit and eat lunch a bit later and maybe start doing creative stuff right when I get to the library. I'll maybe try that next week after I recover from the eye poking. I'll have to see first if it's worse overall and pointless to try or they maybe do something and it is mysteriously better.
Until then I try my best to try and hang on to what's left.
Day 6550 - 6/7 - Better start
Today my eye has had a better start. It wasn't too light sensitive and it can see better than usual. I did just have lunch though, so we'll see if it turns to a horrid smear in an hour or so. I feel pretty hopeful and a bit better because of the good start, so hopefully I can hang on to that. I know it seems silly or trivial that I feel sad all the time and I should 'just get over it and move on' but it likely is far far more constant stress pushing me down than I think.
Day 6550 - 6/8 - Another eye poking
Today is another eye poking. Hopefully things don't get worse, and maybe I can get some help or clarity on why things have been so bad.
Day 6551 - 6/9 - Recovery Tuesday
Today I will no doubt be recovering from my eye poking. Hopefully things aren't worse and my vision and mood can go back to being better soon.
