Week 937
Day 6553 - 6/10 - Too much hot
Today I have been too hot for most of the day. It was an extra busy outside day. My eye doctor poking people want me to do all these tests. My bad eye is having an extra bad reaction to the last poking and so they are doing all this screening for infections and such. I did the blood test yesterday morning, but apparently they also want me to do a chest X-ray. But apparently the only guy who does it isn't there in the mornings, and when I came back in the afternoon they apparently had called out so weren't there at all, so I had to make a second special trip there today. And when I was driving around it was probably over 90F, so I have been cooking for the past few hours.
My eye is getting slightly better, but it is still very distracting. Because of the bad floater and all of the negative symptoms lately we agreed to skip this poking and check again in a month. I guess after some test results come back we may find out I have indeed been extra sick with something lately. So far only a couple of results are in and they are more obscure things I wasn't expecting to see positive results on (for the ones I recognize.)
I guess the day was pretty ok and the three big games I'm doing all got big updates this week, so I have some new stuff to have fun with. But with 1/3 of my day going back and forth for tests and having to go back a second time it's been a very unusual day.
Day 6554 - 6/11 - Differently bad
Today my eyes are differently bad. It was mostly an overall blurriness like in the old days before the poking started. The bad eye still has the huge floater blocking most of my vision area, but it doesn't have a smeared look.
More test results came in for various things and they are all still negative. The only possible thing is that the chest X-ray said I had a minor something at the bottom of the left lung which might indicate something. By my understanding of it was indicating that I may have some kind of cold, which unless the doctors give me a generic antibiotic for it they probably won't have any medicine to help. The only other thing was something about my heart vein has an odd bend, which looking up what it is online is extremely common in people of my age and shouldn't impair function at all.
So I guess today was ok. I still feel extremely sad my pen and paper writing doesn't seem to be taking off, and that only a few seem to have cared. But I suppose I am not really surprised, since it has been that way my whole life. Only a few ever seem to care about what I do, or about me.
Day 6555 - 6/12 - More bad vision
Today was another bad vision day and I basically couldn't focus on anything. It is back to before the pokings where really nothing is in focus and my brain is constantly distracted by it and feels like because I'm in basically a constant visual fog, my mental focus is equally fogged. I can't even stay focused enough these days mentally to get through a 20 minute show. I'm constantly tabbing out back and forth. My food didn't sit well in my tummy either. I took a chance on the (old) food store's chicken tenders, and as usual they upset my tummy a bit. I really should just put a full permanent ban on them. I guess though all in all I survived the day. And some days hanging on and surviving as best as you can is all you can do.
Day 6556 - 6/13 - Probably exhausted
Today I am not feeling great. I have a bit of a headache, feel pretty sad, and depressed, maybe a bit lonely, certainly disappointed I can't get some food I want. Last night after I 'got in bed' I didn't sleep for 3-4 hours, so I'm running on about 50-60% of my ideal sleep and I'm likely pretty exhausted. The day actually started good. I was pretty awake and alert, and I had pretty good focus visually, and it seemed like I would have good focus mentally. But after being at the library for only about 1.5 hours I guess I just crashed and all the bad feelings started. Maybe there were underlying subconscious sad feelings that triggered it due to my sad life, maybe it was just extra exhaustion on an otherwise already stressful life, I don't know.
Day 6557 - 6/14 - Still blurry
Today my eyes were still super blurry. It's very disappointing. My food and tummy is ok today, so at least that is something. But with my eyes continuing to be bad it's quite a struggle to focus on creative things.
Day 6558 - 6/15 - Probably still blind
Today I will probably still have bad blurry vision. I will maybe try to update my PC recommendation stuff. That's less creative work and more just basic research and price checking. I haven't done it in forever in the hopes prices would settle back down, but at this point industry people estimate things may stay bad until 2028, so at this point I will just accept that prices are what they are and go back to updating every 4 or so months.
Day 6559 - 6/16 - Hopefully not worse
Today hopefully my bad eye continues to get better, and hopefully isn't worse. Lately it's slipped a lot and things make me very sad since it's constantly on my mind since it's constantly in my view. Hopefully I can continue to hang on.
Week 938
Day 6560 - 6/17 - Probably the cheese
Today my tummy is a bit off, probably from cheese. During the not winter time it doesn't last overnight, so I pretty much have to eat double what I would otherwise have in a day, which kind of pushes things. It's a cheaper brand at almost half of what the regular brand costs that I get, but I don't think it's lower quality. It's also good to use to not have meat every day, but due to my lactose intolerance I really shouldn't do it more than once every week or so.
I was almost creative today. I opened a file and looked at some notes, but I decided I was still too distracted to good work. Hopefully soon I can get back to it. I was really expecting these two supplements I've been working on to be done by now, so it's crazy how long they are taking compared to the first three. While a big part of it has been my bad eye preventing focus lately, I think a lot of it is just the lack of a reception. I suppose it's good that my stuff hasn't gotten negative reception, but it's disappointing that outside of a few people it's not gotten a positive one either.
Hopefully my eye continues getting better and I can at least get back to it not distracting me like a few months ago. And hopefully it can maybe start getting better after that. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until then.
Day 6561 - 6/18 - Different creating
Today I did some different creative stuff. I kind of really wanted to also do pen and paper stuff, but my bad eye was still extremely distracting. It's almost not very disturbing when I'm driving around outside, so at least that is a small improvement and hopefully an indication that the distracting levels will calm down.
I guess it was a pretty ok day. I still felt pretty alone. I still have food cravings that I don't have money to get. And because of my bad eye I am still overly fixated on loss and what I may never recover even if I do manage to return to a normal life again. But I guess I managed to continue to hang on.
Day 6562 - 6/19 - Not drawing
Today I did not do any drawing that I'd hoped to. While yesterday was one of my clearest vision days since the massive floater distraction started, they flipped back to being one of the worst days. I wasn't able to focus or get in a mood to do any pen and paper creating. I wasn't not creative though. I was just creative in different ways, posting a podcast and doing a video podcast. Also things that not really more than just a few seem to care about, but as I always say; if I can make a few people's lives better, I suppose that is something.
I guess it wasn't the worst day. And honestly with 2/3 of what would have been inside online time being spent outside, and the other 1/3 spent in a different location, I didn't expect amazing things to happen. So hanging on and just being ok for today is fine really.
Day 6563 - 6/20 - Feeling weird emotionally
Today I am feeling weird emotionally. I'm not really sure why. I think a big part of it is because my bad eye is very bad. The floaters are like bugs I've had to resist the urge to swat away all day. And it is still pretty blurry overall. Though I did do a tiny bit of creative stuff. And I guess food was ok, though maybe not the best, and that has maybe thrown me off a touch. But I guess I hung on ok, tried my best without doing things that would risk making me sad, and so far, survived another day.
Day 6564 - 6/21 - Reminder of better days
Today someone posted something on a social page that reminded me of back when my life was much better, and every year or so I would go see Voice Farm, a local band that I liked a lot. They never got super mainstream, only ever really released one album, but maybe half a dozen times over a few years I saw them play at a local club. I've only ever really liked a couple of bands in my whole life so this seemed like a big deal. I had to pee once before a show and saw them eating in the tiny food area that the place had. I said hey and wished them luck and to have a good show. I guess because they were never huge and it was really just a few people they have fallen into obscurity since. There is a new website set up two years ago, but it just shows 'coming soon' indicating it probably isn't really getting any attention. Ever since my bad times started I've often wondered if they are ok. I guess I relate to them a lot because I feel similar a lot of the time. I mean something to just a few people, but in general I fall into obscurity, fall between the cracks, and am not taken care of or have the love (or income) I should.
Day 6565 - 6/22 - Maybe back to regular times
Today maybe I can get back to regular times with doing a bit of pen and paper stuff to try and get people interested in supporting what I make that they can play with. I expect I'll never be hugely popular, especially with the slow reception so far as an indication of growth, or really lack of growth and interest, but it would still be nice to get enough to at least worry less while still in these terrible homeless times.
Day 6566 - 6/23 - Mystery Tuesday
Today I have no idea what to expect. Hopefully my bad eye won't be so bad and I can do some pen and paper stuff, but maybe it will still be terrible and disrupt anything I try to do. I can't figure out if anything I'm doing has an impact, so all I can do is try my best to hang on and make it through.
