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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 14: Distant Memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 681

Day 4761 (V:485) - 7/14 - Tired

Today I am very tired. I have been for a few days now, along with being very congested and a bit sneezy. If it's a cold it hasn't really gotten worse, but it's not really going away. It's probably just allergies.

Thankfully the library is still pretty quiet. It doesn't really start to get busy until about noon, and even then it's not until about 2 that it starts to get 50-65% full in my area. For some reason people don't really sit at my table. I'd guess because of my laptop cooling fan. It's not super loud, but for a library it's not super quiet either. It might also not be because of me, but because my table is way at the end of the table row. I'm sure it's not because of an icky smell, because people don't get close enough to have smelled me. I am glad I don't seem to bother people with my typing on my keyboard. The squishy base one on the laptop is totally silent, but a literal pain to use compared to the mechanical one. It takes way more force to push the squishy keys. It seems not the best though because of the amount of desk space. It's a pretty tight fit. As always, all I can do is see what my limited options are and try and pick the best one for me.

I'm pretty exhausted today, but I had fun with my games and a show. And I tried my best to continue to hang on.

Day 4762 (V:486) - 7/15 - Don't know what to say

Today I don't really know what to say. I had an ok time with my games and show, which doesn't always happen with my sad feelings. My tummy was upset for a while because I ate lunch in the morning before going into the library. It is easier than trying to sneak lunch, and technically only about an hour earlier than normal. Though it's a weird thought to be 'having lunch' at 9:30.

I do feel a bit more relaxed, but also not. My back has been rather stiff lately, and I am still taking the tiniest of bites just in case. I'm less sneezy, but still just as sniffly and exhausted.

I guess today was pretty good, but it still seems like it is taking all my strength just to try and hang on lately.

Day 4763 (V:487) - 7/16 - Surprise inside

Today I got some unexpected inside time. I had a pretty good time at the library, though things got a little wobbly at the end of the day.

In the evening I got to be sheltered inside, which meant I could watch a couple of shows at good volume and have the screen unblocked for the best view. (Though the privacy screen doesn't really hurt the image too much, it does dull the colors and brightness a bit.) And I get to sleep in, which is rare.

So today turned into a surprise better day.

Day 4764 (V:488) - 7/17 - Inside again

Today I got to be inside again. I got to have fun with my games and a show. In the evening I got a cooked dinner, shower, and watched a movie.

Today was another good sheltered day, but when I wake up I'll be back to my regular homeless life.

Day 4765 (V:489) - 7/18 - Hot again

Today I was too hot in regular jeans. I guess in the few days I was inside it went from 75F back up to about 85F. And since the library is closed on Sundays, I was out in the heat all day. Now in the evening I'm getting a bit sweaty in my car, but there may be some hope as gray clouds and a slight breeze is starting now that we are in very early evening.

I guess I had a pretty good time with my games and shows. I didn't get a chance for anything fancy though, and I felt a bit lonely.

I guess for being back out to a regular homeless life I survived ok.

Day 4766 (V:490) - 7/19 - A bit closed throat

Today my throat is a bit closed again. I have to take the tiniest bites of food to be careful. Drinking seems normal though, so it's not the worst. My back is very stiff and pained too. Though only better food and reduced stress will help my throat. I may have to find a way to at least do minimal stretching for my back and legs. They have been very stiff and bad lately.

I guess I'm ok other than that, though I feel exhausted. I feel pretty sad and lonely, though I think it's more just heartbroken at the thought of things not getting better. Or if things do, that there will be permanent loss and reminder of these sad days. But all I can do is try to continue to hang on.

Day 4767 (V:491) - 7/20 - Library Tuesday

Today I expect will be just another regular inside the library most of the time Tuesday. I don't expect anything different, hopefully nothing bad, always hope for something good. But really it will probably just be yet another homeless day.

Week 682

Day 4768 (V:492) - 7/21 - Quiet day

Today more than anything, I suppose, was a quiet day. There weren't very many at the library until about 2. When I went in I was actually the only one waiting outside to do so. In my game there was almost no one doing fancy raids, and I couldn't find one I needed.

My throat is still pretty tight. I'm still pretty sniffly and congested feeling. I'm still pretty sleepy and exhausted feeling. And I feel pretty sad, alone, and worried about my health and my future.

Day 4769 (V:493) - 7/22 - Nice compliment

Today has been a bit weird. In the stream I watch in the morning I thought I was having fun and chatting and such, and someone made an odd comment about something I said that didn't feel great. I kind of felt like just leaving the stream and not watching anymore.

I had to get up about an hour early, and so I was super tired, which meant I got hungry early, which meant I ate before going into the library. I don't exactly know why, maybe it was something I ate, but a couple hours later I started not feeling great. Maybe it was a combination of the food and getting up early, but my tummy felt a bit upset. I felt a bit headachy. And I started to feel just a bit dizzy. If I had the opportunity, I would have logged out and just laid down for a bit.

But a little later I was looking for fancy raids in my game and there was some chat. In an extremely rare surprise someone 'backed me up' in a 'they trusted my word and knowledge' kind of way. It was super nice. Normally because I speak 'in character' people just... give me poop, or devalue my opinions or me, which is dumb since the way they speak is kind of a second language, which means the player must be smart enough to understand it. So, it was super nice to hear something nice about me instead. A friend also sent me a super cute in game pet, so that was very nice too.

I guess now in early evening I feel better. But I'm still a bit exhausted, and a bit congested in my lungs. I hope I'll be ok. And I try my best to hang on.

Day 4770 (V:494) - 7/23 - Ok-ish, sad-ish

Today I feel partly ok and partly sad. I guess the sad feelings aren't anything new really. Just the same heartbroken homesick and worried about my health feelings. I played just a little with some people I don't see much in game, so that was fun. I guess overall what enjoyment I had was blocked by my persistent sad feelings, so overall it's just a neutral slightly sad feeling.

I took the tiniest of food bites to be careful of my throat issue, much like the tiniest bites of life I can have. And I try to continue to hang on.

Day 4771 (V:495) - 7/24 - Whole new world

Today was a little different. I am peeking at a new MMO that I may play suuuppper casually. I know it won't replace my current MMO because apparently a big part of this one's focus is PvP. But since it has PvE it may be interesting to check out it's lore and world. It is doing something quite different from the usual 'fantasy', so that is pretty appealing. There is a beta happening for about another week, so I'm deciding if I really want it when it launches at the end of August. I only played about 2 hours today, but it seems not ready for launch. Things are a bit 'jenky'. I'll see though. Even at just a couple hours a day for a week that's a pretty long peek.

I guess today was ok. Things seemed quiet and slow, which is nice. Nothing special happened in my regular MMO though, so it was kind of disappointing. But I guess, overall, I hung on ok today.

Day 4772 (V:496) - 7/25 - Outlet still out

Today the outlet I normally use outside of the library was still out. I don't think I mentioned it, but I think it was Friday I discovered that the side of the building I normally use seems to be out. The back, just around the corner, still works fine. I let someone know they were out that day, but it may be weeks before they fix it, even though it's probably just flipping a breaker switch. As long as the back still works I guess it's ok. There was some sticky nasty smelling yuck on the ground, but spraying it with my cleaner stuff I have in the car seemed to help.

I guess today was ok. I tried a new game but I don't know if I'll keep it. It's just 'meh' and has a big PvP focus, and I tried one of the PvP things today and didn't like it. I just don't think there will be enough PvP to be super interesting. It feels like it was, and the devs have said, an afterthought. If it were the main focus, yeah, I'd probably pick it up as a casual thing. The beta continues for a week, then I have several weeks to decide before actual launch, so I'll see how it goes.

I guess being in back did have it's benefit in that I didn't need to move. It's at a right angle for the sun movement, so neither morning or afternoon sun gets into the area. So I didn't have to move due to the blinding hour, giving me about an hour more than I otherwise would have. (Assuming I didn't move for the sun.)

I guess the day was ok. I was in a pretty high amount of tooth pain, but I overdosed on meds around lunch time and thing seem to have settled down again. I'm still pretty exhausted, and thus, pretty confused and disoriented feeling. I can't really focus or consentrate for longer than a minute or two at a time. But my life is what it is. And all I can do is continue to try to hang on.

Day 4773 (V:497) - 7/26 - Feeling... slow

Today I feel... slow? The day is gray and rainy looking. I feel very tired. I am hungry, but my throat is still having issues, so I'm just taking small meals with tiny bites. I feel like if I were to lay down I'd fall right to sleep.

I guess things have been ok. The plug outside the library wasn't fixed, but that doesn't surprise me. The connection has been ok and the library has been pretty quiet so far today, so I guess it's an ok day. But I feel very sleepy, and as always, still a bit sad overall.

Day 4774 (V:498) - 7/27 - Maybe gray Tuesday

Today I don't know what to expect. Monday was pretty gray and rainy looking, very odd for summer. Hopefully I can sleep ok and not have bad dreams. And hopefully today will be an ok day.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2021
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