Day 5041 (V:765) - 4/20 - Feel like crying
Today I still have pretty weird cold symptoms. I still feel like I have a low level nervousness and low level chills all the time. And I've sneezed maybe four times during the day. A few times I had to almost shake myself awake because I felt so exhausted. And near the end of the day I kind of felt like I was going to start crying. I think it's just the continued pressure of everything broken and bad, or on its way to death. Including, in many ways, that I myself am among those things.
The gray ghost did send quite a bit of help though. It was about 2/3 of what I need for the rear break replacement, so hopefully I can hang on to it until I have enough. It for sure secures the money for car registration in a few months. But how much of what exact bills... I guess we'll see.
Day 5042 (V:766) - 4/21 - Still so exhausted
Today I am still so very exhausted. Again by the early afternoon I'd almost completely forgotten what happened just a few hours earlier. Though I suppose the more same my days become the more often that it is likely to happen. I am still very exhausted, and a bit sniffly and sneezy, so whatever cold or allergies I have going on may be contributing to that.
There was a new DLC for my new shooter that I'm having a lot of fun with. Since I bought a fancier edition back in the day, I already have the first three DLC covered. I didn't get to spend much time in the new area, but what I could seemed pretty fun.
I guess I survived the day, but I could barely focus. I feel so tired and sad all the time.
Day 5043 (V:767) - 4/22 - Nice sandwich
Today I got myself some fresh deli stuff at the food store. It was still lunchmeat type foods, but I guess about as good as it can get for that. It was a nice treat and better than pre-packaged. I may do that more often, but lunchmeat is still lunchmeat. It's not a whole lot better nutritionally than any other I'd bet.
I'm still a touch sick feeling and completely exhausted. I barely remember anything but trying to hang on today.
Day 5044 (V:768) - 4/23 - Very sad
Today I am feeling very sad, almost like crying for most of the day. Maybe it's because of extra tooth pain reminding me of everything being broken, or already lost. Maybe it's my extreme exhaustion. Or maybe it's just worry, depression, and homesickness. I'm not sure the reason, but today felt harder to hang on.
Day 5045 (V:769) - 4/24 - Still pretty sad and exhausted
Today I am still pretty sad and exhausted. I did watch a psych video about living in survival mode for extended periods of time and most of my symptoms seem to match up. Though I kind of knew that already. So, I feel a little less worried at my exhaustion, confusion, inability to focus, and 'brain fog', aren't symptoms of some unknown deeper issue, or permanent loss due to increasing age. I mean, that's still possible I suppose, but it seems far more likely they are just effects of my overall terrible stress and living in survival mode for so long.
I guess I had an ok time today. I wanted to do some special stuff in my MMO, but the connection started to get bad, so I stopped and just watched a bunch of junk videos and played my shooter game, which doesn't care about my connection at all since I play solo effectively offline. It is still very difficult to hang on lately with everything being so bad, but I continue to try my best.
Day 5046 (V:770) - 4/25 - Hurting back
Today my back is hurting a bit, and I'm still exhausted feeling, but I guess emotionally I maybe feel a bit less sad. Though I think it's just a touch of acceptance. Last night I checked on the dead laptop, and not surprisingly it's still the same kind of dead. I don't have money for breaks, and certainly not enough for a new laptop, so I continue to wait. I check for jobs or opportunities. And try to stay hopeful. So hopefully I can hang on.
Day 5047 (V:771) - 4/26 - Maybe return to rain
Today maybe the rain will return. There have been a few rainy days, but wavering to clear skies. There are so very many sads lately, so it's tough to hang on. But all I can do is continue to try my best to stay hopeful and hang on.
Day 5048 (V:772) - 4/27 - A big sleep
Today I feel a bit better, though I'm still pretty tired. I get to be inside-ish for a few days, so even though I stayed up too late last night, I got to sleep in. I got big sleep and probably slept about 11 hours. I very desperately need it. Though with all my extra stress and still living in survival mode with all the other bad things going on there is only so much stress relief I can get with a few nights of extra sleep.
I decided to get a bit of pumpkin pie and maybe that was a mistake. It's feeling way too spicy in my tummy and was only like a 1/3 normal sized piece. I wonder too if not eating bread has changed things. I haven't stopped completely, as I have some with a very rare sandwich, and bread-like food with donuts. But probably before the apocalypse, I used to get a French bread, or baguette probably once every other week. It's like 4-5 sandwiches worth, so that was part of why I stopped, as it's difficult to keep and I wasn't having that much lunch meat anymore. But I've wondered today if that change has maybe reduced the amount of acid absorption and part of why I've had such bad tummy issues since then. I heard bread is pretty bad for you health wise, and that's another reason I stopped having so much, but I wonder if it's worse than other things I am forced to eat in comparison.
I guess today is ok. I feel exhausted. Though my tummy is super acidic now, and there is a very low level dizziness going on. But maybe it's a bit easier to hang on.
Day 5049 (V:773) - 4/28 - Feeling not great
Today I feel not the best. Most of the day my tummy has been super acidic and upset. I have a bit of a headache and dizziness and sneezes too. I'm sure it's just extra stress and poor diet, but all I can do is try my best to manage things. I can sleep in tomorrow, so that will help. I think I slept only a bit extra last night around maybe 8 or 9 hours. But I got to 'stay in bed' for a bit until I was totally awake, instead of rush and race to move and not be discovered.
I guess today was pretty good. It was pretty restful, at least as much as it could be. I got to do laundry too, so that was very good as it was very overdue and it was starting to really get me down.
But I continue to try my best to hang on. I continue to try and manage things as best as I can. And hopefully I can continue to hang on, and get a chance to make sad things better, so at least everything is not completely terrible in what is left of my life.
Day 5050 (V:774) - 4/29 - A good day
Today was a pretty good day. I slept a bit extra, probably getting 9-10 hours total. I got to do a raid with my guild in my MMO, and had some laughs, and a bit of chat with someone about games. Things today felt a bit better.
But soon I will be back to my regular homeless life. And all good feelings will rapidly slip away. While my stress and terrible things in my life were not completely forgotten, or even really set to the side, they will probably come back to the forefront of my mind. And they will rapidly crush what little levity I'd regained.
But I will try my best to hang on to happy things. And I will try my best to manage the crushingly sad things.
Day 5051 (V:775) - 4/30 - Time extended
Today I was pretty completely wrecked. I started ok, but by shortly after noon I was just about passing out from exhaustion.
I did feel a bit better, trying to hang on to better feelings, and accept all the sad things I can't fix or replace. And so I spent some real time in a DLC for my MMO that I got what feels like forever ago. It must have been right around the time my new laptop died because I'd barely touched it. Normally, yes, I don't spend as much time in the newest MMO things immediately because usually I am too depressed and feel I kind of like I'd ruin it by going through it when I'm so very sad. But I started this one so long ago that I barely can remember when that was.
I did get word in the late afternoon that I could go back to my inside-ish spot for a few more days, so that was a total surprise, and hopefully I can continue to get more rest and recover. Hopefully I can continue to feel ok, and can continue to hang on in my worst of days.
Day 5052 (V:776) - 5/1 - Calm day
Today was a pretty calm day. I got to get a bit of extra sleep, so I maybe slept 9 hours. I don't feel that constant nervous-like or chill-like feeling, so if it was a cold maybe it's finally passing. And if it was exhaustion, well, for the moment I have a couple more extra sleeps before I will be back to my terrible life, so maybe I can recover a bit more.
Things are still the worst, but being inside-ish I guess I had about as good of a day as I could have. I rested. I played my games. I was isolated and safe from whatever people might otherwise pass to me. And though I couldnt control the temperature, I was warm enough. I even took off more layers than I would have been able to at the library, at least for a bit. There is still so much I miss. I am still hurting in so many ways. But I continue to try to hang on as best as I can with what little I have left.
Day 5053 (V:777) - 5/2 - Good sleep
Today I got some good sleep. I think about 10 hours. I was a little worried because it was one of the times it felt like there was a pool of blood in the back 1/3 of my brain/head. When I sleep very deeply it sometimes feels like that when I'm waking up. I don't know if it's just the part of my brain that is dreaming, or some kind of muscle sprain due to the angle I'm forced to sleep at that makes it feels like it's something inside my skull.
Today will hopefully be restful and I can play my games and watch some shows. Jobs were very few and mostly things I'm not qualified for which are too far away, but that has pretty much been the case for years. But hopefully I can continue to hang on.
Day 5054 (V:778) - 5/3 - Unknown time
Today at an unknown time at the time of this writing, I will be back to my regular sad life. Hopefully I will be ok, but with having less and less each year I worry more and more as time goes on. My breaks and my laptop aren't likely to hang on much longer, and I don't even have money to cover the bills through the end of the year. But it's too much stress, too much worry. I have to just try to continue to focus on continuing on one day at a time. All I can try to deal with is today.