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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 14: Distant Memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 703

Day 4915 (V:639) - 12/15 - Windy

Today was pretty windy. Yesterday was stormy rain and wind, but for the moment the rain is gone, or just a light sprinkle. I guess today was ok. I don't really remember much. I did my MMO, shooter, and watched a show. The day passed pretty quickly and I didn't feel too bad. Mostly now I just have ringing ears and congestion if I'm out in the cold. My back still hurts a fair bit. It was kind of spazing out from unknown stress sources for a bit, but overall it isn't as bad as it has been lately, so I guess that's something.

So today I guess I held on ok. And most days it seems that is all I can hope for.

Day 4916 (V:640) - 12/16 - Maybe not a last shower

Today I did a shower in the morning. I noticed last time I was here the board showed there was a Tuesday game. I confirmed that is indeed next week, so this may not be the last shower for the year. I guess I'll check on Monday and see if they are open. They have been open this week probably due to practice.

I felt pretty sad today I think overall. I still feel a bit sick with headaches and congestion, so maybe that is part of it. But I don't know. I just feel very sad and sorry for everything I've lost, and all the opportunities I may never have. I guess in part too I just feel unappreciated, like those I've helped in the past recent years have moved on to better lives, while I have been unpaid, unrecognized, unappreciated, and not rewarded. And most of all, stuck, unaided by those I helped, or who were in positions to help.

But I guess I made it through the day. And with that there is still a chance things will be better. And so, I continue to try my best to hang on.

Day 4917 (V:641) - 12/17 - Late surprise

Today had a late surprise. As it got into early evening I got word I could be in my safe insideish spot for a bit. It's not for super long, just Saturday and then sometime Sunday, but I can be insideish for at least a little bit. So today was mostly normal, but in the evening I got a little bit of a special dinner, special dessert, and watched some shows.

Hopefully the next two mornings I can sleep in and get some extra rest. The insideish spot will be pretty chilly, so I'll have to wrap up, but I am trading one inside day and one freezing outside day for two insideish days. It will probably be a fair trade.

Hopefully I can hang on a bit easier.

Day 4918 (V:642) - 12/18 - Colder than expected

Today my insideish spot was colder than expected. I had to stay bundled under blankets the entire time. I had a good time though and played quite a bit. I did stop earlier than I usually would though due to the cold then watched stuff as bundled up as I could be. I did feel pretty sad, as I often do lately, but things were a little better.

Day 4919 (V:643) - 12/19 - Half numb

Today my parts have been half numb. I did get to sleep in, but now I am back out to my regular homeless life. I've left my outside spot early to be in my car. It is so cold outside my hands and feet have been half numb. It wasn't until the sun started coming into the spot that it barely got warm enough that my hands started to just feel pretty cold instead of half numb. Now in the car I'm getting better. It's not a whole lot better, but my parts are starting to feel just chilly as opposed to my extremities being half numb.

I didn't get to play as much as I'd have liked due to the cold today, but I did 'do my dailies', so I guess it's ok. My back is starting to feel less stiff, and it's not killing me like it has been for the past while. I'm still a little slow to get up, but it's not a total struggle or pained. It could really use stretching and stuff I'm sure, but I won't have a chance to do that until things start to warm up again.

I guess it wasn't a terrible day. But as all homeless days, especially during holidays like now, it could have been better.

Day 4920 (V:644) - 12/20 - Extra tired

Today I feel headachy and extra tired. I was right in guessing school showers would be open, so I took an extra long one to do super careful shaving. I hopefully won't get too bad in the time before the next shower, but I'll for sure have to shave in bathroom sink three times. So those may be bad and rushed.

I think my cold is worse is why I feel bad. I don't feel terrible, but I do feel headachy, my eyeballs hurt, and I'm very tired. I guess the good news is the library is warm, and due to almost no one here, very quiet and calm.

Day 4921 (V:645) - 12/21 - Sad Xmas thoughts

Today and lately I feel pretty sad. I've briefly been spending a little time in my new MMO due to a special holiday event. But it's kind of making me sad. There are big trees with huge piles of presents. I can't remember when I had a pile of presents, either for myself or for others. For so many years I've only had a few presents, and not gotten a tree over one foot tall for probably 25 years. And the last 15 years, none at all.

I guess it will be another sad Xmas this year, like many others recently, but it still makes me very sad.

Week 704

Day 4922 (V:646) - 12/22 - Almost did a thing

Today I was, probably not less depressed than usual, but almost able to step back from my distractions and do some stuff on my sites that I've been meaning to do. The big overall thing is still the feeling that either no one cares, or in the case of the PC hardware recommendations due to supply and demand, it won't really matter to anyone.

I mean, sure, you should always live your life and do things for you. But so much lately I feel like I'm unnecessary, no one cares about my specific thoughts or understanding, or that because there are so many people I am effectively redundant and simply not something people want or need in their lives.

I expect over the break this week or next there will be several points it will be either too cold to play, or I will be too cold to think or react properly, and I will do the things then. But today it was a bit rougher to hang on, feeling like I have to keep in motion and can't stop or change direction for fear of depression and sadness consuming me completely.

Day 4923 (V:647) - 12/23 - Only one shave

Today I almost decided to get a free pass to a local gym for a couple of days. The more I thought about the timing of things, the more I realized I really only need to shave Sunday, because a shave really doesn't start to bug me until 4 or 5 days later. So if I shaved Sunday when no one should be around in the bathroom it should be easy. And then it's a week and one day until I could do the next at school when it's open again.

So I considered getting a free pass to have access to a hot shower instead of doing it in the bathroom. The thing that stopped me was that it required I give them both my email and phone number. Since my phone only has x time and then is pay as I go, and that is a very tiny amount that I'm currently out of, I didn't want to be hit per minute or per message for advertising. And what if they sold my information and one message became 10, or 100? So I figured it just wasn't worth the risk for a single shower.

I feel pretty burnt out though. Maybe it's still my cold. My ears are ringing. I have a bit of a headache. And I'm suuuper tired. I guess I'm ok other than that. But tomorrow and the next day I have no library, so my outside Xmas time weekend of cold will officially begin.

Day 4924 (V:648) - 12/24 - Decided to shave

Today when I got to the outdoor spot there were only a couple of people around. I decided to go ahead and do a shave since parts were beginning to bug me. It was fine. I was not interrupted at all. I will likely do one Sunday, as it's best to do every 3-4 days.

The people surprised me. It actually became a normal busy weekend type of day. From about noon on there were quite a lot out and about near my spot. I do have a vague memory of that happening in other years. It would be best if it were like that. I always feel better with others around. I feel like I'll get in trouble if I'm the only one out there on holidays.

But I guess as it always is, it is what it is. I can't control the other people, only try to do what is the best option for me to keep going mentally and physically.

Day 4925 (V:649) - 12/25 - Just tonight

Today I got word I could be in my insideish spot tonight and get a bit of Xmas dinner. It probably won't be too fancy, but it will be something cooked, so that will be good.

That will be later though. It's only late afternoon now. I guess the day was ok. It was warmer than yesterday. My feet were only a teeny bit numb. Mostly I was ok, just a bit chilly. I had an ok time with my games.

I am feeling pretty sad and down though. I actually considered doing games where I didn't have to talk to anyone, or setting myself to show that I was offline. I suppose I would be almost as sad in a home though. But in a home I would be warm, shaved, able to cook, and hopefully half all clean cloths, and plenty of sleep. I hope this is my last homeless Xmas, but things don't seem to be getting better in my life. And with everything going on it feels like my future has fewer options than ever.

Day 4926 (V:650) - 12/26 - Squirrel's grapes

Today I noticed a squirrel run by with something in their mouth. They paused and smelled one of the grapes I left for them yesterday. They seemed sad, as if confused and distraught over keeping the thing in their mouth or taking the grape. But then they hopped off and came bouncing back a minute later to also get the grape. It was super cute. I put out four more for them to take, but they didn't seem to come back to investigate the area. But a bit later another squirrel came by and took one of the four.

I didn't stay in my outside spot for long though. It was much colder than I expected and after only a few hours my parts were starting to feel a bit numb at the extremities, so I decided to go back to my car earlier than expected.

I guess today was ok. It's later afternoon now. I did my dailies in my MMO and shooter, and kind of did a bit in my new MMO for the special holiday event. Though again I'm not sure if I will stay once the event ends, as I'm primarily only interested in dungeons and groups since crafting doesn't seem to be worth my time at high-end, and it's current game design makes that kind of impossible for someone who's solo like me.

I guess I made it through the day ok. But I am very much looking forward to tomorrow where I can just wait in my car for the library to open, then be inside nice and warm.

Day 4927 (V:651) - 12/27 - A bit down

Today I feel a bit down. I suppose I'm still a little sick, and maybe pretty depressed overall. I also feel interested in doing a couple of things in my games, so I suppose that's a little positive something. And I'm happy there was enough Xmas to get a game pre-ordered (while still theoretically holding enough to cover the car registration and one other bill). But maybe it's because I still feel a bit sick, or am very tired, but I feel a bit down.

I'm back to my warm spot in the library today though, so that is something.

Day 4928 (V:652) - 12/28 - Expecting rain Tuesday

Today I will be in the library hopefully warm and reasonably comfortable. I expect it will be pretty rainy though. It has been for about a week now. I'm not really sure what to expect for the day or what the day will bring. With all my limitations I don't have a lot of variability from day to day these days.

Hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2021
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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