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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 14: Distant Memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 701

Day 4901 (V:625) - 12/1 - Help in time

Today is a fair bit less stressful. Dad confirmed he sent Xmas money early, so that will be here this weekend or early next week. And my friend who sends help monthly sent some extra help. So that is super good. My bills now will definitely be covered. I'll have to see what is left, but it is very possible there will be enough for a few months of gas or even one of the May bills now, so that is taken care of early.

This morning I also went to school to get a shower and micro food. So I'm finally showering again after about a week not. I actually considered staying at school, but it would be too weird. I mean, I probably wouldn't really be noticed, but still. Most who visit the cafeteria area only stay about 30 minutes I'd guess.

I guess today was pretty ok. It will be a bit before things cycle and the bills are actually paid, and I may want to wait a few days to make it more invisible in case the food stamp people want to check my bank account statement. (Not that what is on there should generate any attention, but still, it's a thing that can happen.) But soon I should hopefully be less stressed. Though after next week I lose access to school things, so there may be more stress from that.

But for the moment maybe it's a bit easier to hang on.

Day 4902 (V:626) - 12/2 - Fairly less stressed

Today I started to feel less stressed about the bills. I didn't count it all up yet, as I don't have it all yet, that will be a bit. But hopefully I will feel less stressed soon and back to my normal stress from my regular homeless life.

I guess today was ok. I played my old MMO. I played my shooter. But I only dabbled in my new MMO, just doing a couple of quick things for about an hour. With what I'm most interested in out of reach, and the remaining things I could do to get there being complete grinds, I'm rapidly losing interest.

But things were very quiet at the library almost all day. I think there were fewer than 6 people in my half of the floor until about 3 PM. So overall things felt quiet, calm, and I was able to hang on a bit easier.

Day 4903 (V:627) - 12/3 - A bit better

Today I was feeling a bit better. Though my life still forces me to play and keep active doing things that distract me from my sad life and thoughts of death much more than I'd like to do them. I did feel a bit less stressed though, so that is something.

Dad's money came earlier than expected, so that is good. Though it will still be a bit to cycle things around. But with it I can take some official counts of monies and plan the things and see what is what.

So today was a bit easier to hang on.

Day 4904 (V:628) - 12/4 - No power in the morning

Today started off a bit differently. The spot outside of the building next door to the library has no power. I was frustrated at first, thinking my preferred spot was out again. But it was actually the whole building. (I wouldn't be surprised if that meant my preferred spot was again out for several months.) So I just went to my car to listen to stuff instead of being online for a bit until the library opened.

I guess the day was pretty regular besides that. It was warm enough. It was quiet enough. There was a super beautiful lawyer school girl across the table from me for a bit, so that was different. After she left someone was there who spilled some of his coffee, so that was a bit of excitement. I was actually tempted to ask what it was, as it was one of the only coffees I've smelt that actually seemed like it would taste good. But overall it was a pretty regular homeless day.

With money for the bills cycling, I feel a bit safer knowing there is enough money. And so I hung on a bit easier, though I was still very sad and lonely feeling.

Day 4905 (V:629) - 12/5 - Weird and cold day

Today has been very weird and super cold. I had expected my preferred spot would still be out of power, and it is, but so is the spot in back that I had been using in its place. I'm in the spot on the parking side of the building. It's been pretty busy with people driving by every few minutes. At first I was guessing maybe people were using the entrance furthest from the grass field to drive around and do dog stuff, but I just saw some people go into the community building, so maybe some kind of event is going on.

I was hoping to be in my former regular spot, which would have gotten some sun in the afternoon, and I could have warmed up a bit. But the spot I had to use is on the opposite side of the building, where there is only sun in the morning, which today was super foggy, and so it stayed cold all day. It's early afternoon as I write this and I may leave even earlier than I expected to because it would be warmer in my car, and I just feel weird and out of sorts being over on this side of the building.

Today has been weird from changing positions, causing extra depression, which causes changes in how much and what I play or do to keep myself distracted. It wasn't a very good day.

Day 4906 (V:630) - 12/6 - Hot to cold

Today has been very weird. It started with a sort of shower. The water was almost burning hot, but there was no pressure at all, it barely dribbled out, and the water smelt a bit off? It was as if the cold water source were shut off, and they were pulling from a hot puddle with a hand pump.

When I got to the library it was the opposite, as it seemed like they had no heat on at all. Things were freezing cold, and after less than an hour of being there I'd put back on my hoodie that I'd taken off, and put up the hood over my head to keep warm.

I did get some good news that I can be in my safe insideish spot Tuesday through Thursday, so that will be nice. And in a bit I'll do final planning and money moving for the bills, so I can pay that soon.

It's pretty terrible with the cold at the library, but I got a sort of shower in the morning, so that is something.

Day 4907 (V:631) - 12/7 - Briefly insideish

Today I will be briefly insideish, so that will be nice. It won't be warm, so that will be sad. But hopefully I'll be warm enough, and things will be quiet and calm, and I won't have to worry about being near others.

But I guess maybe hopefully I will be able to hang on a little bit easier.

Week 702

Day 4908 (V:632) - 12/8 - Feeling worse

Today was pretty good. I had fun with 'older games'. I did my (old) MMO in the morning, and then a fair bit of my shooter. I've pretty much set my new MMO aside for now. There are some good changes coming soon, but until they do I will just play super super casually. It doesn't seem respectful of my time (as a purely PvE player) so until there is more there to do worth my time I'll just do other things.

I have been feeling progressively worse since Monday. A touch dizzy or off balance sometimes. An ickiness in my tummy. A lot of congestion in the cold times. And lately, pretty much just a bit yesterday and today, headache feelings and eye stress. I'm sure it's just a cold, or maybe extreme allergies, but it makes me feel not the best.

Yesterday I did all the bill paying. So, phew, the yearly web space, and the new email fee, are both taken care of for a year. I was also going to pay the domain name early, but it looks like with the little bit of the boost money I got a while ago I already paid that for two years, so that's covered until early 2023. So that means the extra bill money I would have paid to that could be saved for other bills. But the immediate worries are over, and I will be ok until the next bill comes in May.

I slept probably 11 hours last night, a further indication of a cold or something going on. I can sleep in again tomorrow, but tomorrow night I will be back out to my sad homeless life.

Day 4909 (V:633) - 12/9 - Approved

Today I feel both sad and a bit better. In the early afternoon I got word my food stamp money was approved again. And it's actually about $70 more than it was in the before time. I don't know if that's an additional bump becasue of just normal time passing, or a continued boost because of the virus times. At this point with the previous boost, and not being able to get micro food all the time, I have about three months of food money saved up. So this will help further increase that. I still worry if they ever stop my benefits that they'd take that away immediately instead of letting me drain it down. I don't think they would, but I still worry.

But I am sad because tonight I will be back out to a regular homeless life, and it is continuing to get colder and colder.

But the important bills are paid. I have confirmation I will be able to eat through next year. And that is something.

Day 4910 (V:634) - 12/10 - Fixed shower

Today I decided to check if the school showers were still open and fixed. They were, so that was super good. It may be my last shower for a while, as I may not get one for the next 3-4 weeks. I may check next week, as they had them open that week in the past, but since this week was finals for a quarter that's almost entirely online I won't be surprised if it's completely closed.

I didn't get to have my cooked lunch. The cafeteria was weirdly unblocked, with the roller metal dividers opened, but everything was locked up tight. So the soup I got will have to wait until next quarter.

Today passed pretty quickly. I don't know if that was the usual homeless start, or being refreshed from my inside time, but for a regular homeless day it seemed to pass twice as fast as normal. I guess that is a good thing, as it was much more difficult to focus on sad things. Though now it's night, and it is rapidly getting cold, so that may change.

But so far at least, it seemed a bit easier to hang on.

Day 4911 (V:635) - 12/11 - Broken back

Today my back is killing me. I think maybe it got cricked when I was sleeping. Yesterday it wasn't as bad, but today it just doesn't want to bend at all. Like if I'm standing, bending over is very difficult. And the reverse was true when I was in the library. When I got up from sitting it had a hard time getting straight to stand.

There was a bit of a scare right after the library opened. The power shut off. I went to look around to see if it was just the library or surrounding buildings and deciding how long I'd wait before going out into the cold, but the power came on only about 15 minutes after it had gone out. So it seemed fine after that.

I guess after that the day was reasonably ok. I still don't feel great. I have a bit of a headache, have had it most of the day, and I'm very tired. My left eye kind of shut and slowly opened a few times, as if it's blink muscle was too tired to open at normal speed. That was a bit odd. I'm not sure what was up with that. And I'm pretty congested feeling during the cold weather times, like when I'm outside, I don't really feel congested inside.

I guess today was ok, but I would have preferred to be warmer. I would have preferred to be inside. And I'd have preferred to have cooked food.

Day 4912 (V:636) - 12/12 - Broken belt

Today when I was sitting in the morning I went to adjust my pants and heard a pop. I was worried it was my pants button popping off, but it was actually my belt. It's cloth with a pre-set size length and metal clasps to hold it, so over the years it's gotten more and more worn thin, until today when it got so thin it snapped. I've had one on my wish list that's only about $17, so maybe I'll have to look at getting that soon. (I only have 2 pairs of pants that need a belt, and the other 2 don't.)

Today was much too cold. It wasn't as cold as yesterday, but it was so cold I left my outside spot about 1.5 hours earlier than I otherwise would. I was on the old side of the building since it has power again, and I'd hoped in the afternoon it would get some sun and warm up. There was no such luck as it was gray and cloudy all day. In fact, now at about 3 it's started raining.

My back is still killing me. I can barely bend. I'll have to maybe try and stretch, but I don't really have anywhere to try. I still feel sick too, but in different ways today. There is a bit of headache, eye strain feelings, and ear ringing. My tummy feels a touch odd, but more in an 'I'm sick and want specific food' craving kinds of ways. I'm considering going to the fast food place that will take my food stamp card and getting some fries and chicken. I wish they had other food. A soup would be great, but really that's all this place does. My only other option would be a hamburger place, but that's 5-10 minutes away and is similarly limited.

I guess overall today was ok. So far I have lived through it. But it is extremely cold, my options on what I can do are limited because of that, and I feel pretty sick and sad.

Day 4913 (V:637) - 12/13 - Almost constant rain

Today has been almost constantly raining. It's only briefly stopped for a bit, but it looks like it may keep going for days.

I guess today has been ok so far. I was kind of surprised to get a shower, though the water was really cold to start. It probably took more than 10 minutes to get even a bit warm. But it was warm enough to do regular shower things after that.

My back is still pretty bad, but not as it has been, so that is good. I still feel extra tired though, and my ears are ringing pretty badly. I have just a teeny bit of a headache though, so that is nice.

I guess today has been ok. I still have many sads, but I may always have them.

Day 4914 (V:638) - 12/14 - Probably rainy Tuesday

Today I don't really know what to expect. I will guess it will be pretty cold and rainy. But for my day I don't really expect anything new or different. I am still calming down from bill stress, but still struggling to avoid being too sad from extra holiday things.

But all I can do is continue to try to hang on.

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