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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 14: Distant Memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 715

Day 4999 (V:723) - 3/9 - New baby spider

Today there may be a new baby spider living in the car mirror spider home. It's been months since I saw the last one, so there is no way I can see that this would be their child. Though they are so tiny I can barely see them, it's kind of nice to see another spider there again, trying to make the best home they can.

I am pretty exhausted still. My cold is still winning. I even decided to detour over to school to micro a soup and something to have later for dinner. (Thursday is the later in the week day I normally do this.) But I've been just ridiculously tired all day. And I've had a moderate headache pretty much all day, along with some pretty solid lung congestion in the morning, and a few sneezes throughout the day.

Dad sent some unexpected monies. I guess it was Saint Patrick's Day, which is weird to me no one mentioned it on the social pages. I guess because it's traditionally a big drinking day, and many places still aren't allowing big gatherings. But he told me a very similar story he told me, I think, the past two years, about my great grandma. I don't know if he's starting to lose his memory overall, or if he just didn't remember he'd told me that story before. If he lives to grandpa's age he has about 5 years left, so bad memory at this point wouldn't at all be surprising. It's not enough that it would have saved the dead laptop during its cheap window, but it will help with upcoming bills. And should any such help survive through the end of the year bills, maybe it can go to starting to save for a new laptop. I am still in disbelief at the other's death. And I'm still tempted to take it pretty much completely apart to inspect all of the motherboard myself. I really have nothing to lose. But again, there really isn't a reason to not trust that I would have the knowledge or skill, let alone the tools, to do any repairs.

But I guess I yet live, sick or not. And hopefully I can continue on until better days.

Day 5000 (V:724) - 3/10 - Forgot

Today I've had a pretty bad headache and congestion all day. In the morning I thought I should do a decongestant and allergy pill once I settled in at the library. Apparently I completely forgot and just suffered through all day. I'm so used to being in various pain, or not having medicine, it didn't even occur to me that I'd forgotten.

I guess the day wasn't too bad other than that. I did decide to spend $6 getting a magnifying glass though. That way I can take apart the dead laptop and be very sure I can see any kind of damage that may be on the board. If there isn't any visible damage I think I may be able to finally let the corpse rest. Because if I can't even get a hint at what is wrong there is basically no way I could even try to fix it. If there is visible damage, then I can ask some fix it themselves experts what the likelihood of fixing that part is. Either way that should get here Tuesday, so I should be able to do it Wednesday.

But today it was pretty warm in the bulk of the day. But now getting into night, it is rapidly getting cold. I guess I suffered pretty badly from my cold today, so I will try my best to continue to stay restful. But there is only so much I can do. And only so restful that I can be. But I try my best to continue on.

Day 5001 (V:725) - 3/11 - Don't feel great

Today I don't feel great. I think my cold is worse. I have probably migraine level headaches. It feels like someone is smooshing my forehead, crushing my ears causing them to ring, and pushing my eyeballs, all at the same time. I have felt a touch dizzy today too.

I guess other than that things were ok. I'm not spending hardly any time in my MMO these days. There is the most recent DLC that came out a while ago that I still haven't gone through. Every time I think about it I feel like I want to save it for when I'm happier, or have a way to better enjoy it, or have a better laptop at the very least, or have better headphones to hear the sounds better since I can't use regular speakers. (Though I suppose there really isn't anything wrong with the sound on my headphones. But the boom mic has sort of broken off. I taped it back into place, but it bends, and kind of hangs loosely always touching me in various places on my forehead.)

But my life is what it is. Though I wish it could be more, there is an extremely limited range of what it can be. Reminders of what is bad, my recent loss, and very few who are giving me any love or support emotionally, things feel the worst and most difficult ever.

Day 5002 (V:726) - 3/12 - Special dinner

Today I decided to get a special dinner to cheer myself up a bit. It was pricy, as I haven't received a gift card for the place I went in probably more than a year, so I had to pay cash. But with how down I've felt lately, and how sick, I felt it would be worth it. Lately I've been feeling more and more heartbroken and depressed about, well, everything. I've been losing interest in my games, and just felt like I wanted to stop playing, and just sit and do nothing.

But I didn't. I can't. I am forced to do the opposite, to keep my mind occupied with at least some kind of distraction. Because the less distraction I have, the more I focus on the negative things and loss, and the more depressed I become.

Day 5003 (V:727) - 3/13 - No sign of damage, no hope for a fix

Today I had my magnifying glass early, so I decided to do the deep investigation. I was tempted to not do it today and wait until tomorrow, fearing a higher population due to it being the weekend. But there was actually almost no one at the library at all until about noon. Someone mentioned the time change, and I do suppose it's possible. People who don't have to get up and be out and about before pretty much everyone else are free to just get up whenever. And with the time change, that meant it would be an hour later than before.

But the investigation was fruitless. Removing the cooler revealed no damage underneath. And testing the power with it removed showed no change. There was the garbage thermal paste, but I knew it was garbage from before. But there was no apparent damage from its poor quality or application. But a quick pass over the motherboard top revealed nothing new. And flipping it over, a few areas of the board looked brown, but I have no idea if that was due to application of chips to the board or some kind of damage. It didn't look like damage. And if it was damaged chips, there were far too many of them, and far too small, to even attempt to try to replace.

So that is it. My investigation, as I expected, but not hoped, has revealed no new hints as to the cause of the death. But I hope, at least, it has given me peace of mind that whatever is wrong is vastly beyond my ability to diagnose and repair. I stand zero chance of finding and fixing a problem, even if I had the tools, because I have zero knowledge beyond the things I've already done.

I will surely sell the corpse eventually. Maybe not immediately, or very soon. After all, $730 is less than the $1k something equivalent new would cost. But then again, something new would have at least a year coverage, and for only about $150 more have four years of coverage, preventing any future failure and death, as this one suffered. Whereas trading the corpse for a refurbished one would only have a few months coverage, with no way to extend it. And if I spent as much as this one was new, around $1200, it would get me a better more powerful laptop than the dead one in all respects. Not to mention the newer models coming out in the next few weeks, which would be even more powerful than what's available today for that same price.

But today... today I am left with a dead new laptop, confirmed to be absolutely beyond my knowledge, or finances, to repair or replace. With no idea how long it will be before I get another chance to have a new laptop... and the hopes for the future that comes with.

Horrid thermal paste.

No sign of damage; too complicated for me to fix.

Day 5004 (V:728) - 3/14 - Worse cold, maybe better feelings

Today I feel more congested. I coughed up some yuck earlier. It's calmed down since I got to the library and warmed up though. I feel maybe a bit better emotionally though. There is a new DLC for my MMO, and I'm looking forward to doing the new dungeons and getting some new things. I may wait a few days to get it for myself though. There is a small chance someone might gift it to me, or maybe I could gather enough in game gold and get it from someone willing to spend their real money for that.

I guess there isn't much for today other than that. I'm just trying to hang on.

Day 5005 (V:729) - 3/15 - Maybe return Tuesday

Today I may return the magnifying glass. On the one hand it's only $6, but on the other I don't really need it at all. And while the money isn't a huge return, I would no doubt use it for other things more than I'd need a magnifying glass. It would probably just sit in storage for years if I kept it.

But all I can really hope is the day is calm and I can rest and try to recover, and continue to hang on until better days.

Week 716

Day 5006 (V:730) - 3/16 - Maybe feeling social

Today I am maybe feeling a bit more social. I have been feeling more like spending time in my MMO lately. I got the new DLC and found strangers to do the new dungeons with. I've been working my way through the last story DLC too, which I'd kind of been putting off.

Overall though I still feel very exhausted. And I do feel maybe still more depressed and broken hearted than usual.

But I'm trying to hang on. And hopefully better days will come.

Day 5007 (V:731) - 3/17 - A bit sleepy

Today there isn't anything to say. I'm feeling a bit sleepy. I guess I've had a low grade headache most of the day. My eyes felt like they were literally half closed.

That is one thing I've noticed going back to the 17.3" laptop monitor. My eyes do feel slow moving and tired. I was so very very worried that moving to 15.6" would feel so much smaller, but I kind of feel like maybe the opposite has happened. I think because of the smaller size, and always being close to me, my eyes were moving just that little bit less to cross the monitor, and so visual sweeps took less time, making me feel faster and more alert. Of course I can't test if that is true, because there is also the faster frame rate. I'm pretty much running at 25-45 FPS at 60 Hz on average compared to the newer dead laptop that ran at probably 65-85+ FPS on a 144 Hz refresh rate. So it's entirely possible that it's an effect of the frame rate differences and not the visual scanning speed, that make me feel slower and sleepier on my bigger older laptop.

Whatever the reason, I can't help but think the old laptop is somehow contributing to my sleepy feelings either consciously or subconsciously. But I suppose the day wasn't bad. And that is maybe something.

Day 5008 (V:732) - 3/18 - Maybe feeling sad again

Today I am maybe feeling sad again. I played a bit more in my MMO, and a bit less in my shooter. The shooter has gotten to the point where I have pretty much done all the important things for 'the season' and so it doesn't feel like there is much to do again, and it is much more of a slow grind for things that will barely matter.

I am maybe feeling a bit sad about my dead laptop again. There were a few things I found last night to try, and I couldn't help but try them. Not surprisingly there was no change. But really every time I find something to try, I find others who have posted that they have the exact same 'it shut off and has never turned back on' issue. I've seen maybe a couple of dozen now, ranging from a few years back in 2018 to one almost to the day that I posted (though their system was 2 months older.) Each one seems to be total failure and can't be repaired. I still can't believe how this can happen at all, and with as rare as it is that I got one of the systems it happened to.

I guess I had an ok time with my games, but I still feel very sad knowing I am not experiencing them 'as the devs intended'. It is much less, as my life is much less. And that makes me very sad.

Day 5009 (V:733) - 3/19 - Rainy all day

Today it was rainy all day. It was just a light sprinkle during some parts, a moderate pour in others, but it was pretty much all day into the evening. My cold feels a little better maybe. There is an odd tickle in my throat, but I think that is more from having to wear an old mask, as they get frayed and fuzzy, and I can't help but wonder if I'm breathing some lose particles in.

I guess I had a good time with my games. I played my MMO more than usual, barely played my shooter at all, and stopped a few hours earlier than I would normally stop playing to just sit and watch stuff. I guess I didn't feel like playing as much as usual, or as much as possible.

Overall I still feel very sad, but I try to continue to hang on.

Day 5010 (V:734) - 3/20 - Sniffles and sneezes

Today my cold is maybe a touch worse. In the morning I took a hit of my asthma inhaler. It still feels a touch rough to breathe. I'm extra congested and sneezy too. I took some aspirin to calm my headache and some other meds to help with congestion and allergies, so now I'm pretty sleepy feeling. I had a pretty good time with my games, so there is that.

There have been a few 'what are you playing' posts on the social pages lately. And while I sometimes post, I have to list what I'd like to play if my laptop hadn't died. I hope it brings light to the issue, but really I don't think anyone cares. If it 'wasn't them then why should they care', ya know?

All I can do is try my best to stay as healthy as I can, and continue to try to hang on.

Day 5011 (V:735) - 3/21 - So much sleep

Today I got to sleep extra. I slept 12 hours, so that's 50-100% more than normal. I feel a little tired still, but not exhausted like I normally do. It's pretty cold and windy out, so that is sad. I was hoping we were moving back to warmer days.

I got to watch a new game on the stream I watch that I've been wanting to get. Apparently it comes out in about a week, but sadly I don't have money for it. I need to save everything for bills since the huge loss of trying to fix my dead laptop. And if I do get any extra it should go to a new expansion for my MMO that's out in, I think, June. So it may be quite a while before I get any new games that aren't the one I already pre-ordered.

But I try to remain restful to recover from this cold. There is a bit of ear ringing and headache now, but things don't seem too bad. So for now I continue to try to hang on as best as I can.

Day 5012 (V:736) - 3/22 - Supposedly warmer

Today is supposed to be a little warmer. But lately it's been cold, rainy, and windy, so I'm not sure I believe the weather prediction.

I'm not sure what to expect for today. My game I pre-ordered comes out either Thursday or Friday, and so I'm hoping I'll get word I can pre-load it today. It's pretty big at like 70 gig, so that will take quite a while to get. I am still very hopeful my old laptop can run it since it has system requirements lower than most new games, but I won't know for sure until I actually run it.

As always, it seems all I can do is hang on and hope for the best, as so much of my life is out of my control.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2022
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