Week 713
Day 4985 (V:709) - 2/23 - Sick with a cold
Today there isn't much to say. I am feeling sick with a cold (still.) I have a headache and feel exhausted. My eyes have done the eyelid flutter a few times, and when I'm colder I am pretty congested in my lungs.
Today is exactly one week from the cheaper repair/replacement deal for my dead new laptop. I'm pretty sad about that. It seems no help will come. 
So today I would rather be having soup for dinner and be lying down all day, but I can't. But, I can continue to try to hold on to hope that help comes for the dead laptop replacement and bills.
Day 4986 (V:710) - 2/24 - Still pretty sick
Today I am still pretty sick. I guess I forgot to take decongestants I got, but there was some sneezing in the morning, and a bit of extra congestion in my lungs overall. I still have a lot of headache, eye hurting, and eyelid twitching.
I tried to rest today as well as I could. I had fun with the new stuff in my shooter, but overall I felt very extra worn out from my cold, so I was in a bit of a weird spot.
I am still trying to hold on to hope help comes for the cheap repair/replacement for the dead laptop in time, but the window is rapidly closing. I am very thankful my old laptop is continuing to hang on for the moment. I don't know what I'd do if that died too.
Day 4987 (V:711) - 2/25 - Still feel off
Today I still feel pretty off. I guess today it's mostly a general slight dizziness, ears ringing, eyes hurting and headache, still a bit of eyelid fluttering, though that may be more stress related than a cold. My skin feels weird too, kind of like I have chills and a bit of fever, but from what I can tell I don't actually have either, so it's like phantom symptoms.
I finished my super challenging thing I was doing with my shooter's new expansion, so that is good. Now I'll settle in for the 'regular season stuff' which goes beyond the campaign. It does feel better than it did in the past. I'd say now it's starting to feel about like what I expected it to be all those years ago at launch.
I am still sad about my dead new laptop. And while I let it go for a while, as we near the end of the cheap repair/replacement window my mind is becoming increasingly fixated on if I will find anything wrong if I need to take it apart and try and fix it myself. It would be amazing if I could find what was damaged and managed to fix it with only spending a little bit for parts and tools. Repasting the thermal stuff would be $10-25 depending on the quality of stuff, which I'd need to do to get access to the motherboard. Checking online prices a volt meter is as cheap as $10, the soldering tool in the $10-20 range, and I think I'd need a heat gun too. But it seems extremely unlikely I'd have the skill and knowledge of what to fix. More than likely I will open it up, take everything apart, and go 'nope, still don't see anything wrong', and have no idea how or what to fix.
Well, there are still 5 days in the window, so I can still try to continue to hang on to hope that help will come. But sadly so far there still has been none.
So I try to hang on to hope help does come. Try to continue to hope my old laptop hangs on. And try to hope that I too can continue to hang on.
Day 4988 (V:712) - 2/26 - Beating
Today was, I guess, ok. I still feel pretty sick though. One thing I've forgotten to say was the past few days my heart rate feels like it's elevated. Like I'm overdosed on caffeine or sugar. I just checked and it's actually probably closer to normal than not, what with my bad blood pressure. I suppose it could be the actual pressure that feels bad, not my heart rate.
Sadly there was no help for the dead laptop and with only a few days left it seems unlikely I will get the ~400 I need for the lower cost offer. It ends Wednesday, so there is still time for help to make it, so I am trying to hang on to hope.
But I guess today wasn't much other than that.
Day 4989 (V:713) - 2/27 - Still pretty sick
Today I am still pretty sick feeling. I guess I'm getting used to it though, because I didn't really think to take decongestants or pain pills until the day was basically over.
Not much today other than that. Just feeling sick from sick, I guess. Feeling sick from stress over the dead laptop. Feeling sick from my overall physical decline. Feeling sick from too many sad things.
Day 4990 (V:714) - 2/28 - Very exhausted
Today I am feeling very tired and exhausted. My cold may be winning. I was very congested earlier, but now that I'm warmed up I don't feel as congested. I'm ridiculously tired though. I suppose that could be because I lost 2-3 hours not sleeping last night, I'm not sure.
Lately I feel pretty extra depressed and alone in my struggles. I know that's not true, but there still has been no help for the dead laptop or bills. And looking here and there on social pages I see people doing or planning for 'frivolous things'. But I get it, those people deserve nice things, and should have a good time. It's just hard to see that when I feel like I'm barely hanging on, and a small bit of help for things I want and need would make an immense difference in my life.
There are only a few days left for the cheap dead laptop replacement/repair offer of ~400, so I try to hang on to hope help will come in time. And in the mean time I try to enjoy the things I still have.
Day 4991 (V:715) - 3/1 - Two left
Today there are only two days left for the cheaper dead laptop replacement/repair. I still hope help comes in time. If not I will probably make another shot at trying to take everything apart and seeing if I can fix it myself. In theory a replacement should last nearly as long as a new unit. And if it lasted 3 years that would effectively offset the additional cost.
So I continue to hope help comes for the cheap replacement in time. And if not, that there is something obvious I find wrong taking it apart and can manage to fix it. And I try to continue to hang on until help comes for all the things.
Week 714
Day 4992 (V:716) - 3/2 - No power there anymore
Today was a weird start. It had been pretty warm lately, so after quite a while of not being outside the library (just staying in my car on my tablet) I decided to be out with my laptop before it opened. To my shock and surprise, all four of the plugs around the building across from the library have been removed and replaced with a flat faceplate. That seems very rude and counter to the statement the person made a while ago when checking the plugs and saying they wanted to be sure 'people like you have access to power if they need it.' Why say that and then take completely the opposite stance about 1.5 years later?
I'm not completely without power there though. There are a few more plugs at the building closer to the library, and one at the corner shop along the library wall, which is also closed when the library is. So I will still probably be ok on holidays when the library isn't open. But it seemed weird, and very sad. I may check every now and then. Maybe it is because they are changing the plugs. Half of them had old cover housings around them that were kind of broken. Though it seems unlikely they'd remove those and not immediately put the new one on.
Today was also the last day for the cheaper laptop replacement/repair, so now that window is gone. I talked more to a person from the shop and they assured me the tech had like 30 years experience, and is like top in their field, and they assured me that if they said the laptop wasn't repairable it would have been due to cost reasons, so even if it could be repaired buying those parts would be more than just getting something new. So I guess that's it. There is no point in me putting in more time, or money, into trying. I guess, when I'm ready, I'll just try to reclaim what I can from the corpse and either put that towards bills, or hopefully save towards some kind of new laptop in the future.
So today I feel extra alone. I feel pushed out. I feel a bit more broken hearted and helpless. But I try my best to hang on.
Day 4993 (V:717) - 3/3 - Rain
Today it seems is the first rain I remember in a while. I don't know how serious it will get, but I think it is the rainy season.
I feel pretty bad today. My ears were ringing a lot, I had a headache, and sort of felt like I had a fever, chills, and upset tummy. There was some sneezing in the morning too which kind of stopped after I took an allergy pill. It's evening now and things have lessened, but I still would have preferred to mostly have been laying down today.
I felt pretty sad about my dead laptop too. My shooter had a few times today where frame rate got real bad on my old system. It wasn't to the point of unplayable, as it was just a few seconds each time, but one of the times did have a crash. And what with the new system dying after a crash I was very worried. But it was a minor one, and the game closed itself when warning me of the crash, so it seemed contained.
I guess overall today was a pretty bad day. At the very least not what I would have preferred it to be. But I suppose I am alive. I continue on. And with that I will try to continue to hope days ahead will be better days. And hopefully I have more days to look forward to than I may think.
Day 4994 (V:718) - 3/4 - Scratches
Today I am scratching myself a lot. I guess I have been for a while now, as there are scratches on my back and arms, and a bit on my legs. I would geuss it's from stress and scratching without really realizing I'm doing it. I guess overall it's not a big deal, but it's sad that I'm stressed out to the point of doing something that I don't even realize I'm doing.
I am worried my old laptop may be showing signs of being closer to death. It had some issues tabbing, with programs getting stuck if I did tab. While it's easy to think just don't do that, I am pretty easily distracted, and will often tab out of one thing to do another and then go back. I guess this isn't really anything new though. I have a vague memory it happened in the before time. But it worries me, as I have zero money to get a new laptop, so losing this one would leave me with none.
But all I can do is try to hang on and hope help comes. And hope that both my laptop and I can make it until better days.
Day 4995 (V:719) - 3/5 - Jittery
Today was pretty ok. I still feel possibly the most down, sad, and depressed ever, but I had a pretty fun time with my games. Though I did get pretty worried in my shooter. Several times I disconnected from a big group activity. It didn't remove me from the game, just the activity, but that doesn't normally happen. I still don't know if it was my system just being old and fussy or not. There were other symptoms I could only describe as being jerky. The game would be ok for 15 seconds, then pause for maybe 1/2 second. It did stop doing that though after I closed the program and waited a few minutes before restarting. So maybe it was just a memory leak, or some connection issue.
A guildie was pretty nice yesterday though. We were talking about stuff and after they said they appreciated that I was in the guild. 
So that was nice to hear that I was appreciated.
But I guess I tried my best to hang on today. These days lately things seem the worst ever, having briefly had a new laptop and seeing the potential of what it could do for possible work, overall happiness, and games. I guess I am still most heartbroken over the fact that, for the first time in a very long time, I felt truly hopeful for my future. I saw a path I could build upon. Maybe not anything guaranteed or promised, but I knew I could work remotely without issue. I knew I could make hobby videos or audio if I wanted to without issue. I knew it would run any new game for years to come. And then, with that death, it all seemed lost. And now I am reminded of all my limitations. And on days like today where my system struggles, or with seeing games I know it can't play at all due to hardware limitations, or when it takes 5 hours to render something that should normally be about 10-15 minutes... things feel hopeless again. And it seems all I see and feel around me is inevitable further loss.
Day 4996 (V:720) - 3/6 - Happy inside trying to come out
Today I felt like there was a bit of happy trying to come out. I was a bit more interested during the morning, and a few times I even kind of laughed. But as the day went on I felt worse. I still feel pretty sick with headache, eye ache, fever-like, chill-like feelings, and an upset feeling system overall. Where a normal person would just feel bad, grab a blanket, and have soup, and be restful for a day, I can't. So I become more sad, and worrisome, as even simple colds feel vastly more dangerous and lingering to me. What may be one day for a person who can rest may be weeks for me, with possible chains into other illness.
I suppose tomorrow is shower and micro day, so if I don't forget I could definitely get some soup to maybe help feel a bit better. I will have to do.
But I tried to enjoy things today. I tried to be happy, and I suppose on some level I was. But the slow speeds and struggles of my system reminded me of my own struggles, which made everything difficult.
All I can do is continue to try to hand on as best as I can. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 4997 (V:721) - 3/7 - Fast day
Today seems to be passing pretty quickly. It's pretty quiet and calm in the library so far, which is good since I still don't feel amazing. I did remember to get a soup for lunch, so that was good. But I still feel kind of sick.
I'm having fun with my games though, and overall feel ok, but I am very exhausted feeling from my cold.
Day 4998 (V:722) - 3/8 - Maybe rainy Tuesday
Today I don't know what to expect. Lately things have been moving towards rain. Hopefully I can be restful and recover from my cold. Hopefully things don't feel too sad overall. Hopefully I can try to move on from the new laptop death and the feelings that my future may have died with it.
Hopefully I can continue to hang on.
