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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 14: Distant Memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 695

Day 4859 (V:583) - 10/20 - Unexpected bill

Today I am very sad. I got news that in addition to my yearly $150 for the web space in the middle of December it seems they are going to start charging $60 more for the email I've been getting free. I'm hoping that is some kind of additional optional service they are transitioning, as I've never opted in to any and the change won't really affect me, but the customer service person I talked to seemed to imply it was a forced change. (Though I'm uncertain they are correct, as they seemed to be referencing a script and not really responding to what I was asking.) That change apparently won't happen until mid-January though, so I'm going to wait a bit before trying to confirm if this affects me or not.

I guess I'm ok other than that, but I am very very worried about the upcoming bills. This means there is the big web bill, this new one, then another two in May, then the huge car registration in mid July. It all seems very overwhelming, and like it's coming very quickly.

All I can do is try to hang on and hope help comes. It has before, so I'm trying to stay hopeful. But these days with everything being so bad it is difficult.

Day 4860 (V:584) - 10/21 - Heartbroken

Today I am feeling pretty heartbroken. Dad sent an early Halloween gift money, but it was in the form of an online store gift card. While it did mean I could immediately order a new headphone dongle for my wireless headphones, and have enough to do something like look for a tiny hard USB case to keep it in, it does mean I won't have that money for important bills in less than two months time. That $50 in actual cash would have been extremely helpful towards the now $210 I need for web stuff.

I am feeling kind of sick too. Since last night my tummy has been pretty upset. I would guess the chicken I had, which was gotten the morning before, didn't last overnight very well. Things have... not stayed in my system today. I was going to try to get some hot food from one of the few places that takes my food stamp card last night, but they still have the sign that says their machine is not working "today" up on the door. I'd love to get food from my favorite fast food place, but I used the last gift card money for there months ago.

So today I am feeling very heartbroken. And though my games are having holiday celebrations I am too sad to really enjoy them like I otherwise would.

Hopefully I can continue to hang on until better days. And hopefully enough help will come in time for the bills. I don't know what I will do if I can't get enough to cover them.

Day 4861 (V:585) - 10/22 - Put the lights on

Today I had to put the car lights on in the morning because it was super rainy last night and this morning. And after leaving the library I had to put them on too, because it's starting to get pretty dark pretty quickly in the evening these days.

I guess in a bit of good news I got word my headphone dongle as shipped and should be here Saturday instead of Sunday. So that will be nice. I never really realized until now how much better they fit and feel than the old ones. And I guess too I'd forgotten how I actually feel safer walking away from my system with it running with the wireless headphones. If anyone messed with my game, or moved the laptop, I'd know because the sound would change or it would drop out of range. So that makes me feel 'safer' if it doesn't. Plus I have zero worries about kicking a cord and yanking something.

I had fun in the evening playing a game with some people from the stream I watch. It was silly fun. I tried to have fun in my MMO games. And while I did, I didn't have as much fun as I could have because I still feel so heartbroken about the upcoming bills. I'm going to just have to try and stay hopeful and hope that help comes in time. There isn't anyone to reach out to. And previous attempts to reach out to 'strangers' haven't really gotten much help.

But all I can do is try to hang on one day at a time. Try to continue to see the good with the things I have left and can have. And try to enjoy them when they come. And hopefully I can hang on long enough until help comes. And hope that it comes in time.

Day 4862 (V:586) - 10/23 - Ears ringing

Today my ears are ringing and I'm pretty sniffly. I sneezed a couple of times too. I have maybe a bit of a headache too. I feel ok in general though. I did do a special thing in my MMO for the holiday event. And I got to max level in my new MMO. So now I can work on getting gear and leveling up crafting things.

I guess today was pretty good. Though I don't feel great physically or emotionally. But maybe I feel a little less bad overall. I had a couple of nice chats with people in game, and helped out a guildie, so maybe I feel a little more hopeful.

And so, I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4863 (V:587) - 10/24 - Storm of the century

Today there has been the storm of the century. It started since last night. I remember hearing it rain throughout the night. It even gave me some weird dreams about being in an underwater station and being somewhere dry, but getting ready to transition into an area that was either leaking or underwater. There is a pretty crazy wind that was blowing the trees all night and all day. Thankfully the back of the building spot I was in was dry and safe and sound. I guess because it's effectively a balcony I wasn't hit by rain drops nearby. It was a touch cold, but I had on my extra sweats, so I was fine. I did leave earlier than usual though, as I figured parking might be difficult being both a Sunday and a day where people will probably be staying inside to avoid the storm.

Last night was a bit rough. I guess with all the extra stress over the upcoming bills I'm more stressed than even my usual extremely stressed homeless life, which has pushed my throat back to a bad state. I took a medium bite of chicken last night and it got kind of stuck on the way down. I threw up quite a bit to get it back out. It was probably 15 minutes off and on. But about 30 minutes after I stopped and things calmed down I felt mostly ok again, and had dinner taking the tiniest of bites. I stuck to tiny bites today too and was fine. Though I threw out the half of the chicken container I had left for today. After eating a couple of pieces I noticed it kind of smelt like feet and didn't taste great. I don't think it lasted overnight very well.

I guess today was ok. I had a good time in my MMOs. I reached a goal I was trying for in my new MMO that I wanted to reach. Though I'd hoped to make some gear progress, I found no groups, so I made no progress there at all.

So today I smell like a wet dog. It's still raining heavily. But I had fun with the game things and show watching that I did do, accomplished a goal I was trying for, and did have about as good of a time as I could in this sad life.

Day 4864 (V:588) - 10/25 - Poked tongue

Today my tongue feels like it's poked. I don't know if it's swollen, and so it squished between what teeth are left, or if it got scraped up by jagged ones, or both. But it's felt poked on the sides and I keep swallowing, I guess reflexively thinking something is stuck to it.

I guess today has been good, but I feel bad and sad. The rain has storm has gone for the moment, and it's actually pretty sunny outside. I'm not too cold in the library. Things are quiet and calm. The stream I watch was super fun. But... I feel sad and bad.

I guess maybe because, so far, I've had a bad time in my new MMO. I don't know where to go to progress. It seems like I need to go group things, but no one is doing the high level group things. And so I've just repeatedly been dying to hard things I shouldn't be trying to solo. I guess it just feels like a reminder of how alone and troubled I feel in my regular life.

But I try to stay as hopeful as I can. I try to not worry about the bills or other troubles. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 4865 (V:589) - 10/26 - Hopefully not too rainy Tuesday

Today is hopefully not too rainy. The storm on Sunday was super crazy, but by Monday late morning it seemed to be clearing. It looks like the weather shows mostly cloudy through the week, so it may take a while to clear.

I'm back to my wireless headphones, so that is super nice. And I have a new hard case to put the headphone dongle in, which goes in the hard headphone case, so it should be super protected. I just have to be careful not to bump it while it's in the laptop.

But hopefully today will be reasonably calm. And I can be reasonably restful to try and recover from my super cold. And hopefully help will come for the bills in time.

Week 696

Day 4866 (V:590) - 10/27 - Maybe showers

Today I still feel sort of clean from yesterday. I decided to check if school was really and truly locked down tight like it was in spring. To my surprise the locker room area was open. The showers were not blocked. And the water was super hot. Though I don't know if this was a fluke or a special event, because there were no paper towels in the machines, and all of the safety mats were removed and nowhere to be seen. Also there was an area marked with "surplus" signs where I normally change, and the entire 8x8 foot area was piled high with sportball stuff. So I figure maybe once a week I'll go to shower. That will keep my shaved parts reasonably under control, not cost too much extra gas, and not risk my being there for more than the 30 minute the free parking area allows too often (reducing the risk any over-zealous student tickets me because I'm one minute over or whatever.)

I guess I'm feeling pretty sad, but ok today. I'm pretty sniffly with a bit of a rough throat. I don't know if that is due to extra congestion or from getting sick yet again yesterday from something getting stuck in my throat due to my stress throat and tummy issues. The stress over the upcoming bills is not at all helping. Especially since I no longer have any fast food gift cards to buy good hot foods.

But I guess the library was actually warm. The rain has seemingly completely gone and the skies are clear. It's early evening and I've taken off my outer shirt and hoodie. So, I guess, today I held on ok.

Day 4867 (V:591) - 10/28 - Sniffly day

Today there really isn't much to talk about. Since some time yesterday I've been extra sniffly. I was sneezy last night. And have had crazy congestion since then. It wasn't quite as bad today with just a few more sneezes, but I've still been pretty sniffly.

I'm still very sad and worried about the bills, but I'm trying my best to hang on to hope, and trying to hang on emotionally.

Day 4868 (V:592) - 10/29 - In a bad way

Today it feels like Saturday, in a bad way. Several times today I've felt like 'that's it, my week is over' and I would have a cold outside time tomorrow. I'm not really sure why.

My only guess is the overall 'it's over' feelings are due to my sad homeless feelings overall and specific fears about one of my teeth. There's one nearby with a hole, and it's the last one near my bottom K9. I've already lost my favorite K9, and the other upper one has likely lost 25% of its side, so it won't last long. So it feels like the one with the hole is going to shatter, and then the ones in the front on the bottom will start to go. Roughly counting that's about 50% that are either completely destroyed or way beyond repair, and the remaining other half is no doubt bad, just in a way it's not obvious or painful yet.

So I think, since I can't ignore it or get it out of my head anymore, it has just been getting to me today. It seems like a reminder that even if I make it back into a home, even if I find a happy job, even if the memory of these painful days fade, at least this art of me will not survive through.

Day 4869 (V:593) - 10/30 - Chips for days

Today there was a crazy sale on chips at the food store. It was buy 2 bags, the medium sized ones not the biggest, and get three free. So I have chips for probably a few weeks. I'm sure I'll do a bag then take a break, then do the next bag. Thankfully I had space in my trunk for them. Somehow my trunk has mostly gotten full more often than it's not.

I guess the day was ok. It still feels like it should be Sunday instead of Saturday. I had fun with my game, but I mostly did solo things, and felt pretty sad and alone. I did help out some people, and I guess the last tank left part way through the dungeon. But they said it was so much better and I was awesome.

Though I am still very sad and worried about the bills, very sad and homesick because of the holiday coming up and not being able to celebrarte, I try my best to keep my chin up. I try to focus on the good things. And I try to continue to hang on.

Day 4870 (V:594) - 10/31 - No candies, no celebration

Today I feel pretty sad. I thought about getting some candies to celebrate, at least alone, but with how bad my teeth have become that has an extremely high chance of just being an extremely painful experience. And if not, if things were fine, with how terrible my life is in general I just don't feel like I would enjoy it at all. Part of me is still considering getting some tomorrow, but I don't know, it may just make me more sad. Besides, I have yummy sugar cookies in pumpkin shapes. Those are ok for a small celebration.

I kind of had a bad time in my new MMO too. People were mean in chat, a group I tried to do something with failed and effectively I was abandoned, and in general I don't feel like I gained much, even though I did advance a few quests.

I suppose the day could have been worse, but it also could have been better in so many ways.

Day 4871 (V:595) - 11/1 - Bird chase

Today there is a bird in the library. I tried to capture them to take them outside to their family, but so far no luck.

The rain has returned, so it's a bit cold and rainy today. I guess it's good in that it didn't start last night, but then there really aren't really trick or treater's in the area.

The library has extended its hours a few hours for a few nights, so I guess that's something. It doesn't affect me too much, but it's a step towards being more open overall.

I have my games and some shows today, but not much else. Hopefully that is enough to continue to hang on.

Day 4872 (V:596) - 11/2 - Probably rainy Tuesday

Today will probably be rainy. I got my shower on Monday, so that is something to at least get a shower and good shave now and then. I haven't checked if a cafeteria microwave is accessible, but it seems doubtful. I may check on that next week though. Without a parking sticker I shouldn't be around too much, but at least one microwaved meal a week would be more than nothing. Though it would only be for this month. December they have finals that first week, then are closed for a month.

But hopefully my games, shows, and trying to relax as much as I can, will help me make it through my extreme stress. And hopefully I can continue on until help comes, and hopefully make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2021
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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