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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 14: Distant Memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 683

Day 4775 (V:499) - 7/28 - Feels bad inside

Today I feel kind of bad inside, mostly in my chest. I don't know if it's just the continuing throat/tummy issue, or if it's just physical effects of a deep depression. I don't really feel any more sad than usual, so I don't think it's extra depression. But with everything going on it might be.

There are many things to distract me, but I still feel very sad and heartbroken. And it doesn't feel like much will change with everything going on in the world.

Day 4776 (V:500) - 7/29 - Feeling hungry

Today I am feeling pretty hungry, so I guess that is something. So often lately I have little or no appetite. I feel congested, tired, and headachy, so I may have a cold. There was no stream in the morning to watch and won't be tomorrow either, so that was odd. But it was kind of nice to have things quiet. Normally I prefer quiet, but with my life so sad it seems like I need to be distracted more often than not so I don't feel too sad.

I guess today was ok though. Things weren't quiet, they could have been better, but I suppose they could have been much worse. I suppose I survived another day, and so that is something.

Day 4777 (V:501) - 7/30 - Waaaggg

Today was probably pretty good. I played quite a bit in the beta for the new casual MMO so I could get into a dungeon. The people weren't using tactics at all. Everyone was just all 'waaaggg' attacking crazy out of control. I joined as a tank but I never got the chance to pull or establish any threat. I guess everyone lived, so it was ok, but it was the total opposite of what I expected. The important thing is, yes, it's fun enough to keep post launch. I've already spent 30 hours playing, and I figured at $40 if I play even just 40 hours it would be fair at that price. At the rate it's going I think I'll probably hit 100+ hours post launch before I get to max level.

I feel not the best though physically. I'm congested, had a few sneezes, a tiny bit dizzy, and pretty tired. If I do have a cold I think my symptoms are lessening pretty quickly. Though knowing my health it could be a month before I'm fully recovered.

But I guess I hung on ok. And hopefully I can tomorrow too.

Day 4778 (V:502) - 7/31 - Feels weird

Today feels weird. It's early evening and I'm in my night spot, but it really feels like it's around 2. I don't know why it feels like only half the time has passed since going in the library, but I guess maybe that's a good thing?

I guess I was pretty distracted with my game things and 'having a good time', but I still felt pretty sad overall. My eyes are half closed from exhaustion, my chest feels congested, and while I don't think I've been sneezing it feels like I need to. I guess though I'm warm enough and have enough food, and that is something.

Day 4779 (V:503) - 8/1 - Definitely sick

Today I am definitely sick feeling. I'm pretty sure the lady that sat at the library table Tuesday made me sick. Even though I always had my mask on she was frequently half wearing hers, or not at all, clearing her throat every couple of minutes, and maybe every 15 coughing horribly into a napkin without her mask on at all. She was like that the week before when I saw her the first time. If I ever see her again I'll be like, 'no, don't sit here.' And if she pushes it I'll let the library kick her out. You aren't supposed to be there if you are sick.

So today I felt pretty congested, coughed a decent amount, kind of feel like throwing up, and maybe a bit chilled? I think it was supposed to be in the 80s, and even though I was in the shade where it was cooler, I never took off my hoodie or long shirt all day.

I guess I held on ok other than that. I still don't like being in the back of the building. It does give me 2 extra hours or more of shade since the sun never goes there, so I don't have a blinding hour, but the ground is gross with yuck on it, and just over the railing if you look directly down you can usually see the person who is living downstairs.

But I guess it was warm. I had enough to eat. And I was in relatively ok health. And so hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 4780 (V:504) - 8/2 - Feeling sicker, hurting legs

Today I am feeling a bit sicker. I guess I feel more ok than I did this morning, but I am super congested in my lungs and feel coughy. Thankfully the library air circulation is helping so I can usually not cough, so I'm not too bad. I don't know if it's related, but my upper thighs hurt a ton. It feels like I've walked up like 30 flights of stairs.

I guess emotionally I feel a bit better. I'm a bit ahead on doing my podcast, so I guess I feel good about that. Though I really still wonder if anyone cares. I have no idea how many are listening, and views for videos is averaging at 4, of which my checking the video is usually one.

As always all I can do is try to hang on.

Day 4781 (V:505) - 8/3 - Hopefully clear

Today hopefully my cold will clear up a bit. If I see that lady again I will tell her not to sit at my table. I'm pretty sure she's only come on Tuesdays before.

I don't know what to expect for today. It's just another homeless day with nothing special. Hopefully I can continue to hang on ok.

Week 684

Day 4782 (V:506) - 8/4 - Unexpected

Today I have some unexpected inside time, so I am safe and ... comfortable enough. It's way more comfortable emotionally and in terms of physical safety, but not being at the library with A.C. it has been pretty warm. It hasn't been too hot yet, but if it were 10 degrees cooler that would be a lot better.

I also decided to check the college schedule even though I can't sign up for anything until the end of the month. But it looks like they are still almost entirely closed and will pretty much remain online only at least next quarter, which is heartbreaking news as it means no shower or cooked food through at least the end of the year. So I'll have to seriously weigh if I should or even can take classes, because the classes I have left to take would be extremely difficult or impossible to take online.

I guess today has been pretty good. The beta for the new MMO has closed, so I miss that. What is even more sad is there was an announcement that due to beta feedback they are delaying launch another month from the end of this month to the end of next. While that isn't a super long time, my current MMO is kind of stagnating, as I just do daily things for about an hour, and then I just sit waiting sometimes hours for raids that I don't usually get invites to.

But I guess my day has been good other than that. I have enough food. I got to sleep in. I have a movie to watch. I am comfortable enough, though it's a bit warm. And overall even though I'm not in a home, being where I am is overall better than the library. And so hanging on today was a bit easier.

Day 4783 (V:507) - 8/5 - A bit better

Today feels a bit better. I'm sheltered still, so it's been pretty warm, but private. I got a special food and have a live show I get to watch that I don't normally get to watch. So hanging on is a bit easier today.

Day 4784 (V:508) - 8/6 - Calm hot day

Today was a pretty calm, but hot day. I slept in. I played my game. I tried to not be too hot, as it got super hot. In the evening I got a shower and got to watch a movie. Apparently I can do laundry tomorrow, so I at least will be able to sleep in again and have all day and evening tomorrow as well.

I do miss my new MMO quite a bit. It was both oddly peaceful and new and different in a way that got my brain thinking 'what about this build', 'what about trying this thing.' With the announced delay until the end of September that will be a long wait. My current/old MMO is still great, but now doing it for about 7 years there isn't much for me to do unless it's near a new content drop. So, about 3 of every 4 months I'm just basically doing the same things as before.

But today was a bit easier to hang on.

Day 4785 (V:509) - 8/7 - Unexpected amount

Today has been pretty good so far. I slept quite a bit, apparently about 10 hours, so it's good my body caught up a bit. I had fun with my regular MMO, but after doing the daily things I got a bit sad just sitting and not finding a raid. That is when I would have swapped to my new MMO. And with it not coming out for another 7.5 more weeks that will be a rough wait.

I got an early birthday card with money from dad and it was much bigger than usual. No reason given as to why it was more, so maybe he is worried about me with everything going on, as giving money was always his way of showing that. Or maybe he is worried about his own end, because if he lives to his dad's age he only has about 6 years left. I expect I'll wind up saving most of it, but it would mean if I wanted to get a game I wouldn't have to really worry about the cost. There isn't anything new I really want that couldn't be gotten later on sale though, so maybe I'll see if any sales happen and get something older for cheap.

But even though I'm getting pretty hot now, today has been pretty good, and a bit easier to hang on.

Day 4786 (V:510) - 8/8 - Back out

Today I will be back out in the evening. It's not like it wasn't expected. And I suppose I'm more used to being out now than being in with it happening so rarely. But I worry about my health long-term, especially now with everything going on and the extra news that things won't be changing for me for at least 5 more months.

I suppose the day was pretty good though. I got to sleep in, and while I didn't sleep a ton I do think I slept 9 hours. I played my MMO until I was tired of just standing around waiting for a raid that wasn't likely to happen. I had plenty of food, though it wasn't great, just ready to eat lunch meat stuff. I did grab a bit of grapes at the store last night though, so I did have that at least. So I hung on a bit easier today, but tomorrow things will return to my regular homeless life.

Day 4787 (V:511) - 8/9 - No class

Today has been ok, I suppose. I'm back to regular homeless life in the library. I suppose it's much cooler than where I was, and I can go to the bathroom whenever I want/need. I guess that's something.

I decided to check what classes were when and what my options might be in a few weeks when I can sign up. It seems my options are none. Classes overall are cut to about half the normal offerings, and of the ones I need there really is only one since other classes require I have taken that one. And that one is only offered twice this upcoming quarter (normally it has 4-5 offerings) and both of those show as already full, so there would be no way I could get in when I'm allowed to sign up in a few weeks since I don't have 'priority registration'.

So, I guess for good or bad, like it or not, it seems my life won't change for at least 5 months. (Not counting anything bad happening that's unexpected, or things like financial aid relentlessly coming after me for not making payments or postponing with more classes.)

I suppose in a way I feel even more out of control in my life usual. But in a way, assuming nothing bad results of it, I kind of feel 'better' being reasonably isolated in the library and not returning to a more 'regular life' surrounded by hundreds of people going to and from class.

Day 4788 (V:512) - 8/10 - Hopefully calm Tuesday

Today will hopefully be calm and quiet. The library has been pretty calm and quiet lately. Usually half the day will pass before someone sits near me. And since people are required to wear masks I feel... safe enough.

Hopefully I can continue to feel safe-ish, and find comfort in the few things I have left. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

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