Week 699
Day 4887 (V:611) - 11/17 - Finally fries
Today I finally have a hot cooked fries snack. After something like two months of the fast food place food stamp card machine not working it is finally working again.
I have been starving since about 2 when someone started openly eating in the library. For a while I was smelling some super yummy soup that smelt like some kind of vegetable beef with carrots. Right when I was about to get up to go investigate I heard a librarian ask them to take it outside, so they packed up and went out before I could investigate what it was.
Other than that I still feel extremely depressed. I am about out of gas, so I am going to have to use what would be emergency / school gift card money for that. And I am still pretty far from covering the bill that's due soon. 
All I can do is continue to try and hang on and hope help comes in time.
Day 4888 (V:612) - 11/18 - I do miss it
Today I got a nice shower at school. No one was around, which felt a bit weird, but it's also easier. I microed one of my favorite micro meals. Weirdly it made me overly full. Back in the before time I could have that and half a roll and it would have been just the right amount of food.
I decided to visit my old sitting spot in the department for a minute before leaving. I do miss being a T.A. I do miss interacting with and helping the students. I'd always felt like I would find a permanent place there. Maybe not something with amazing pay and perfect hours, probably less pay with a bit of a struggle, but something happy. Something I'd have lots of time off for other things, or just enjoying my time. Something where I could continue to help students. While I suppose such a position isn't completely impossible, I feel like I won't get any help getting such a position. And as such I will fall by the wayside and become forgotten, as I seemingly have been so many times before.
I feel a bit sad today. Sad about my far future. Sad about my immediate future and the bills. And worried I won't get help for them in time.
But all I can do is try to stay hopeful. Try to hope that I am on the right path that will lead somewhere. Hope that help for the bills will come in time. And hope that someday I can have at least some kind of regular life again.
Day 4889 (V:613) - 11/19 - Fixated on death
Today my mind has been fixated on my death. About five times today I nearly started panicking about it. More and more lately my mind has not been able to shake my fear and worry that it will happen soon.
I think maybe the big trigger lately is winter and my poor health. It is difficult to make it through the cold months, but with my poor health it may prove even more so than usual, especially with all the limitations due to closures and other restrictions hindering both my diet and possibly trying to do at least some kind of working out. And of course it is a cycle; the less I have, the worse I feel, the worse I become.
I otherwise had a pretty good day. I played my games. The stream I watch had some extra stuff going on, so that was fun. And I got to chat with people more than usual. So I'm not really sure why I was extra sad and worried about death. It could be the holidays too, since I have no one and am reminded of how alone I am.
Whatever the reason, all I can do is try to not focus on it. Try to focus on what I do have. Hope help comes in time. And try to make it through.
Day 4890 (V:614) - 11/20 - A quick day
Today felt like it passed pretty quickly. I don't think it was because I was having fun so much as it was because I was sad, worried, and afraid. I haven't gotten any help yet, so I continue to worry about the bills. Nothing bad happened, but since nothing good happened it seemed all I had to focus on was the bad.
Day 4891 (V:615) - 11/21 - Salad
Today I had salad. I actually had forgotten to even look for it. Back when things started there were several weeks at a time where they had none at all. And when they came back most looked pretty disgusting looking. I guess my brain put them so far out of my mind I just forgot about salad entirely. The more depressed I get the less my brain seems to remember, and the less divergently it tends to think in terms of coming up with options for things. Hopefully with at least once or twice a week being able to micro things again I will start to remember old foods, as well as get at least a tiny bit healthier.
I think I had fun today, but I felt very sad and alone today. My mind would not stop worrying or feeling sad about the bills and the holidays. And it was tougher to hang on today.
Day 4892 (V:616) - 11/22 - Odd hello
Today was shower and micro at school day. I thought I might be in trouble when I heard an older adult say, "Are you almost finished," from out of my view to the side. I looked over and almost didn't recognize who it was. He's probably 6'6", so a taller guy, but I'd guess he's gained about 50 or more pounds since I last saw him a few years ago. It was the chef, who has known I've been in a bad spot, as he saw me outside a few times back years ago when I used to be outside of school when it was closed (and the library limited online use to 2 hours a day.) He clarified by asking if I was almost done with classes. So we chatted for a bit and I explained how that's a rough question now with things being online and my having a degree, so I have to sign up in the last group of people, and basically everything is full by the time I get a chance. So that was an unexpected surprise to see someone who kind of knows me.
I guess the library is pretty calm and quiet, but I feel pretty sad about everything. I kind of feel like I'm going to start crying. But all I can do is try to stay hopeful help will come, and that I can hang on until things get better.
Day 4893 (V:617) - 11/23 - Hopefully ok Tuesday
Today I don't know what to hope for. Hopefully it won't be too cold. Hopefully things will be quiet and calm. Hopefully I can be restful and try to recover from my poor health and extreme stress. And hopefully help will come to pay the bills.
Hopefully I won't be too sad, and I can continue to try to hang on.
Week 700
Day 4894 (V:618) - 11/24 - Soon a week off
Today there is some happy news. For the next Fail week I will pretty much be inside and safe. I will be warm enough hopefully, sheltered, but private, so I will have quiet, can control lighting a bit, and no one will be around me to cause me any worry.
I guess today was ok. I got a shower and cooked food, but I am pretty sad and worried feeling. And I don't know when that will change.
Day 4895 (V:619) - 11/25 - Path of loss
Today was very sad. While I am in shelter and have many nice things, I guess maybe because it's Thanksgiving and people are gathering and saying what they are thankful for, I am thinking back to over 20 years ago, basically 40% of my entire life ago. A life that has no longer been short, and in cases like my Mom, longer than many others already. I was a few years divorced. I had to sell the condo. While I was down and lost many things, I was in a position to kind of start over. I was going to school to start a career, hopefully a new forever career. And since my friends had all abandoned me, I had hopes I would find new friends along the way. While not everything was possible, it felt like I had enough freedom to start over in many ways, and could even go wherever I wanted geographically.
But now... alone... sad... eating basically ready to eat snack or lunch foods... not sharing success stories or thankful stories... I feel... disconnected and lost. I used to feel abandoned, but that doesn't really seem accurate, as only those you know can abandon you. It is really that in my journey to that new life has ultimately been alone. While some have believed in me, really no one new has come along to support me along that new journey to become more. No one helped me to realize a potential I could become.
I am thankful to those along the way who did truly care. I am very thankful in these terrible trying times to those who do send help for me to pay what bills remain so I can survive day to day.
But a thanksgiving where I can say I am ok. I am safe. I am doing at least well enough to make it the rest of the way on my own... that is not today.
Day 4896 (V:620) - 11/26 - Worried
Today was sort of ok. I slept in. I played my games. I have some shows to watch. But I felt pretty sad and alone. Most of all I feel worried. No help has come for the bills for Thanksgiving yet, and there are only about 3.5 weeks until the first big one is due. But I can't think about it because I will stress and worry and cry and throw up from all the stress and worry. I just have to keep hanging on to hope that enough help will come in time and that I can make it. I don't need a whole lot to make this one, then have another month until the next bill, so I am trying to stay hopeful help will come in time.
Day 4897 (V:621) - 11/27 - Sadderday
Today was kind of sad feeling. I got to sleep in, but it was a bit colder, so there was no point in the day that I could take off any layers. And once it started to get dark I additionally had to bundle up under covers.
I wasn't on the verge of crying over bills like I was the other day, but I did feel an overall greater level of sadness about things I miss, things I may never have again, and things I may yet lose very soon.
Day 4898 (V:622) - 11/28 - Less sad, still sad
Today I feel maybe less sad overall than yesterday, but still extremely sad and worried about the bills overall. At this point it feels like any late Turkey day help would have come by now, and so none is on the way. So I am very very worried no help or gift money will come until Xmas or after, which would be too late to pay the important bill coming due soon.
I guess I had fun with my games. I did some different things, and a person was mean to me in my old MMO, so that didn't feel great. I'm losing interest in my new MMO because I'm in this weird limbo space where I shouldn't do the last two dungeons because of how gear works, and really the only way to meet that gap is to repeatedly grind about four areas that have a 24 hour lockout and are not things I find fun or interesting. I could also maybe do crafting, but I'm guessing it's going to be a minimum of 75 hours of just crafting to get even my highest level one to max where I can even try to start to craft max gear. Which does not guarantee I'll get what I want, because stats are randomized. So at this point I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth continuing or if I should just wait for more content to come that's what I enjoy doing, because the game doesn't feel like it's being respectful of my time.
So, I guess today I feel a bit more relaxed for being able to sleep in, being insideish and warm enough to at least take off my hoodie for a bit. But I am extremely sad and worried about the bills. And with it being the holidays, I feel extra sad and down in general.
Day 4899 (V:623) - 11/29 - Last inside day
Today feels extra sad. I am still very worried about the bills. And today is my last full day insideish. Tomorrow afternoon I'll be back out to my sad homeless life. It feels very sad and lonely, but I know I am trying to control and manage things as best as I can with everything going on.
I guess I had fun with my games today. Again there was a bad experience. But some online friends said hi and they were worried about me, so that was nice.
Dad asked about the bills and said he would help if he could. Really if he sends Xmas cash money early than he normally would that should be enough. So maybe that will happen. I haven't heard anything back.
Today I don't feel great. I don't know if it's from eating basically the same foods for so many days in a row, the reduced movement, the extra cold, or just general sadness. But I feel tired, extra achy, and my tummy feels upset.
But still really all I can do is try to hang on.
Day 4900 (V:624) - 11/30 - Back out
Today I don't really know what to expect. It will depend when I need to be back out to my regular homeless life. If it's pretty early I'll do a regular day, if it's later in the day it wouldn't be worth the gas to go to my daytime spot just for a few hours. If gas weren't an issue I wouldn't need to worry so much.
It will likely be extra sad regardless.
