Week 711
Day 4971 (V:695) - 2/9 - Very sad
Today I am very extremely sad. There have been some reminders lately of just how sad and bad my life is, and how it may get worse, so I am feeling very low today. There really isnt much to say more than that other than how I posted a bare bones update to my personal site, but I really don't think anyone cares about my poems or stories.
Today really I just tried my best to hang on.
Day 4972 (V:696) - 2/10 - Second dinner
Today I still feel broken hearted and sad, but I did feel ok enough to make some steps forward. And I am recovering ok, so that seems good.
I am super exhausted though, and so hungry I ate my microed dinner and got something else to eat after as well. I don't know if that was due to the undue extreme stress from the dead laptop, or recovering from the cold, or what. (Today I've had some headaches, some eye twitching, some congestion, and just a few coughs, but most other symptoms seem gone.)
I guess I hung on ok, but I still feel very set back. And I still worry that I am further from a chance at recovery. But all I can do is hang on, deal with surviving one day at a time, and continue to hope for better days.
Day 4973 (V:697) - 2/11 - Like a bear
Today my body wants to be like a bear. It feels like I just want to pass out and wake up when things are better. It's not the weather, as it's very spring-like weather, sitting around the mid-70s. I think it's just all the stress and sadness. I have a bit of a constant headache, I'm a bit extra hungry, and I'm extremely exhausted. I was, in fact, so tired I sat back while watching a video and was on the edge of fully falling asleep.
I tried to do some stuff on the laptop today and it was truly a struggle, both in that I'm having to recreate something I could have used a template for on the old system and in that the old system has a much harder time even just running the program. I will get through it eventually, but it probably would have been 15 minutes on the new system since I'd basically filling in the blanks with the template.
I tried to cheer myself up with a new free to play game today, but I just feel meh about it. I had a preview with a closed beta for it about three months ago and barely played an hour during a three day window. I'll play at least 10 hours though to see if it gets more interesting, but I really don't think it's my kind of game.
Today I feel extremely sad. I feel trapped in that I feel like spending the ~$425 on sending the dead laptop to be refurbished will be the best option I have. But so far there has been no help or support to get there, so even doing that feels like it will be impossible. I'd still really prefer to save any money to get something new from my preferred manufacturer, but I don't think I'll get enough help to do that.
So today I still feel very heartbroken, very crippled (in terms of options), very set back, and very alone in my struggles and pain. 
Day 4974 (V:698) - 2/12 - Fearful of death, again
Today and last night I have been very fearful of death. Last night for maybe an hour I was on the verge of tears and crying a little fixating on various sudden deaths from accidents, or other illness, that I may suffer. And even if I have all of what is left, from when my grandpas died it's only 35 years, much less than it feels like I have.
I think though what scares me more than the actual number is the quality of what remains if what I have today, and less, is all I have to look forward to. No happy job, no love, no family, no friends, few other worlds to escape to in games.
But I try my best to hang on. Though my mind will fade the further I go, 35 years behind is really much further than I clearly remember today. So hopefully I can still find a happy future in time. Hopefully I can find at least some of the things I miss. And maybe someday these sad days will be a distant faded memory and I will still have days ahead to look forward to, leaving my sadness long behind me.
Day 4975 (V:699) - 2/13 - Cold corpse
Today isn't really anything new. I did try to continue to play the new free to play game, and while I did start to see some depth in terms of character builds, I still don't know if it's for me.
Someone asked about the dead laptop today, and because I was passing by the storage anyways I decided to try to check to see if, by some strange miracle, it showed any signs of life. Nope, it did not, it's still a cold dead corpse. Which makes me very sad because even with its flaws it was a solid little system I liked quite a bit.
So, nothing new today. I still feel very heartbroken over the loss. I am still pretty exhausted feeling from either my cold, or stress, or both. And with nothing good or happy that's new I still feel no closer to things improving.
Day 4976 (V:700) - 2/14 - Special sads
Today is a special day. And as with many special days it feels like I am just reminded of what I'm missing. Though sad, not having a special sweetie doesn't make me feel as sad as the reminder I feel like I am less because of it. That I have less. And while I don't want or need everything, especially on days where my system seems to be struggling like today so far, I feel very extra sad about what little I do have, and miss having just a little bit more.
Day 4977 (V:701) - 2/15 - Unknown Tuesday
Today I don't know what to expect. I haven't gotten any help lately, for bills or the laptop. I guess at this point I hope I will have at least enough to consider taking the repair deal within the two weeks that is still an option. But with no help so far, that doesn't seem like even that will be an option.
So I guess all I can do is try to continue with my broken heart, put back my shattered pieces, and try to get back to feeling good enough to try and continue to look forward.
Week 712
Day 4978 (V:702) - 2/16 - Trying to feel ok
Today I am trying my best to feel ok. I am still very broken hearted about losing the new laptop. Now more than ever I know what I'm missing. I am still very hopeful to get the $350-425 to get it fixed in the rapidly closing cheap window. I do actually miss my new laptop. And really the odds of my getting that much in the remaining two weeks from today seems much more achievable than the two to three times as much needed to get something brand new.
I'm inside for a bit, so that is good. I slept maybe as much as 11 hours. But I have a headache, my eyes hurt, I'm congested in my lungs with a little coughing, and more than anything broken hearted feeling. My shows are ok to enjoy. The old monitor has some blue shifting due to age and low color accuracy, but that is easier to ignore than the low FPS on games, or things like seeing the minimum specs for new games requiring things my laptop can't do at all.
So today has just a little bit of good, but feels like a bit of extra struggle. But I try to hang on to hope that help will come in time. And try to hang on until better days.
Day 4979 (V:703) - 2/17 - Sad and headachy
Today I still feel pretty broken hearted and sad. The time for the cheaper repair is running down and I still have no help. Which, of course, makes me feel like not only will I not make the window for the cheap repair, but that means no help will come to build up towards a replacement after I've missed that window, which feels even more difficult competing with money for upcoming bills.
I've had a lot of headaches lately too. I don't know if it's stress or what. My eyes hurt, so it's probably migraines. I'm a bit congested, but it seems more likely it is from stress and depression. I'm trying my best to hang on and not be sad, but with my recent low and everything still being bad in the world, it is the toughest to hang on these days.
Day 4980 (V:704) - 2/18 - Still sad
Today I am still feeling pretty sad, and still a bit sick. My tummy feels a bit off, and I'm still pretty headachy. I still feel very sad about my cheap replacement window for the dead laptop rapidly ticking down. But with just under two weeks left I am still trying to stay hopeful help will come. But with no help so far, getting to the ~400 seems unlikely, but it doesn't feel impossible. Just a few helping a moderate amount would be enough. Though these days help has been extremely rare and far between.
But I try to rest as best as I can to get over what is hopefully just a cold. And hopefully help will come in time.
Day 4981 (V:705) - 2/19 - Somewhat productive
Today I guess I was actually productive. The other day I noticed my systems page had only been half done, which was not as much as thought I'd done when the new system died. I finished the changes and changed all the links today. It was a pretty monumental effort, though not difficult or taxing, but it did take nearly 5 hours.
My tummy has felt a bit off the past couple of days. It feels, I'd guess a bit achy, but also a bit hungrier than it should. I guess it's still doing the odd thing of having no real 'middle values' in terms of hunger. It's either full, or feels like it needs to eat.
I guess I feel ok. I am still very disappointed and down that the cheap replacement window is running out to replace the dead new laptop. It very much feels like if I miss it, it could be years before I can get a new laptop again. And it seems unlikely my old laptop could continue much longer. It's showing no signs of death, thankfully, but at already 8.5 years old that is incredibly old for a laptop.
I guess all I can do is try to continue to hang on and feel ok enough to do things. And hopefully help will come for bills and replacing the dead new laptop.
Day 4982 (V:706) - 2/20 - Quickly upset
Today my tummy quickly got upset when I had just a few pieces of salami for lunch. I'll avoid more until tomorrow and be careful. I only had four pieces, but I guess I've become really susceptible to lunchmeat upsetting my tummy as time has gone on. It's about 6 hours after I ate them and things have settled down, but it felt bad for a bit.
There are still about 1.5 weeks left on my dead laptop repair offer, and it still seems it may be my best bet, as I still haven't gotten any help. I'm still hopeful I can get enough in time, because with as slow as help has been recently it feels like getting more would be impossible.
But I try to hang on to hope. And try to make it to better days.
Day 4983 (V:707) - 2/21 - Feeling more sick
Today I am feeling a bit more sick. I have a headache and my eyes are hurting again, and my tummy still feels a bit icky. I'm feeling pretty sad about everything overall, all the things going on with me emotionally and physically. I did get to sleep in again, and I got good sleep, so there is that. And I'm writing earlier than usual, so hopefully I can play and rest for the rest of the day.
But it seems, as always, all I can do is hope help comes to replace the laptop within the next week for cheap, or at least eventually to help with bills and eventually getting a new one.
Day 4984 (V:708) - 2/22 - New pew pew
Today I don't know what to expect other than my shooter will be getting a big expansion. I did pre-order it, I think around Xmas, so that is already covered and not a concern. But other than that I don't know what the day will bring. I expect it will be a pretty regular homeless day.
Hopefully help will come to replace the dead laptop during the cheap window, and I can hang on a little easier with the new distraction.
