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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 14: Distant Memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 717

Day 5013 (V:737) - 3/23 - 24 hours of shock therapy

Today I got to sleep in again. I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep though, I probably really only got about 9 hours. While, still, I suppose is about 25-50% more than normal.

I also ended what was a 24 hour period of leaving the dead laptop plugged in to check if it would mysteriously recover, as mysteriously as it died. I found reference to the buzz click being the power supply detecting a possible surge and disconnecting/shutting itself off internally. So my theory was it could maybe try a number of times, and one of those times maybe correctly connect and reset whatever has gotten stuck to cause its death. Sadly, though not surprisingly, there was no change. It is still cold and dead and that was really the last possible check I could do for it. It's still mindboggling with, checking online what is billions in laptop sales a year for the company, I happen to have gotten one of what seems to be one every 2-3 months that mysteriously dies. Of course that's just going off of the findable posts, who knows what the unreported number, or number under warrantee that go unreported, actually are. Though it did reinforce my displeasure with the Acer death when running a similar search for deaths I found none under Asus, which is my normal brand.

I still haven't decided what to do with the dead parts. Very rapidly people will be moving to new systems that don't use those parts. And of the older systems that do, what are the odds they could use something like the power supply or battery since it would likely be a different voltage or different connector? Or what if the replacement cost also lowers over time, then I'd need the corpse to send back. I don't know. I will probably keep it for at least a little while while I consider things.

I had a pretty good time playing today. I got a big goal I was trying for in my MMO, and so my 'schedule is clear' to do whatever there, or just do the minimum and play my new game more once it comes out.

As one can guess, the laptop death still bothers me. It's still mindboggling it worked fine and showed no issues right up until its sudden death. I treated it the same as my one I'm back to now at 8.5 years, and the one before which lasted 5 years. But it is a thing that happened to me. And for good or bad, I have to accept that, and try to adapt and move forward.

Day 5014 (V:738) - 3/24 - New game

Today has been ok, and a bit frustrating, so far. In the morning I went over to school to shower and shave and have a micro meal. It may be my last chance for two weeks. I know for sure pretty much during the break the food area will be closed. I expect the shower area will be too, but I'll probably check on the Mondays to be sure.

At 4 my new game came out. They were super dumb and not only did they not send my code before that time to apply to my account, but they didn't do it days ago which would have allowed a pre-load time. I can't remember how many years it's been since I got a digital code and had to wait until launch before I got it. It was on a different game service, and I see why people say they dislike it. If this is how they normally manage orders that's terrible. It's 2022, and not having a pre-load period is mind-boggling. It finally showed up over an hour later, so it's downloading now, but it looks like it will be a few hours before it's done, so I probably won't get to play tonight at all.

I couldn't sleep last night for some reason. I could sleep in, but I was woken up early by truck noise, so I maybe only got 5 hours of sleep total. Oddly, I'm not sleepy. It's like from last evening on my system has felt a bit jittery maybe? Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep? I suppose it's possible it's good anxiety over the new game, but I don't know. I'd have preferred more sleep.

As always, today seems to be a reminder of everything I can't control. I suppose in good news the new laptop generation seems to be coming out and showing up at the online place I normally buy from, so I have a few on my wish list. And I have a couple of the older generation systems just in case their prices get lower. (That's always a weird balance of lowering price and increasing price due to rarity.) But with no money for one, it just remains a wish. And so, I continue to try to stay hopeful, and try my best to hang on.

Day 5015 (V:739) - 3/25 - The lowest settings

Today I had a lot of fun with my new game. To get the FPS I was hoping for I had to put most things on the very lowest settings, and even reduce that with a resolution scaling setting down to 50%. It doesn't look as terrible as I expected it might at those settings, so that's good. It's very playable so far, though I can tell from the animation speed that this is probably still way below what it should be. But it's playable, and super fun, so I won't entirely miss out. At least not with this one.

I feel kind of sick today. I woke up feeling ok, then had some chicken for lunch, but it tasted super dry. I didn't feel great after. My insides felt kind of bad and I had to run out to the bathroom. Since then my insides feel better, but it's transformed into a migraine, eye hurting, and a bit of ear ringing. I'll take some meds when I have dinner and hopefully that will help. I so often don't have meds to take that I just literally don't think to immediately take them. The thought just doesn't occur to me.

I had a super fun time with my new game today, but I am pretty sad. I wonder when I will be able to have a new laptop again. And more-so I wonder when I will be able to be in a home and have a regular life again.

Day 5016 (V:740) - 3/26 - Hopefully barely made it

Today was probably more good than bad. I got to sleep in, though I didn't sleep much extra. I had fun with my games and even did a thing with my MMO guild. I didn't feel entirely great though. I had some bad lunchmeat at lunch maybe. I've had a low level headache and ear ringing much of the day. And a bit of sneezing.

I've been struggling to find the emotional energy to do school loan and tax stuff. Neither is hard, but with feeling so hopeless and depressed lately, particularly with school being almost entirely online, I just haven't felt emotionally ok enough lately to do it. I did it today and saw I may have missed the state grant deadline, so that was very worrisome. But technically I never get loan stuff from the state or federal branch, the school itself is who waives the fees. Checking the school website, due to everything going on, that date was extended to next week, so hopefully I barely made it in time. I still don't know how that will work out. I have maybe one more part-time year I could stretch things out. Then I will have no way to keep financial aid people at bay. And it seems unlikely having a degree would suddenly make any jobs appear out of nowhere. So I am very afraid of what my future has become.

Overall the day was pretty restful and pretty fun. Tomorrow at some point things will go back to my regular sad life. I will get to sleep in, but after that I don't know when I can again. And my schedule will be it's regular limited schedule. But I try my best to hang on.

Day 5017 (V:741) - 3/27 - Windy last day of sleeping in

Today was my last day I could sleep in. Tomorrow will be back to my regular homeless schedule. I'm glad I slept extra. Originally I woke up after only 9 hours, which is still more than usual, but I pretty quickly fell asleep again and got 2 more hours. So I got quite a bit and hopefully caught up some.

I've felt ok, but not great. I'm still pretty congested and a bit headachy. It's been pretty windy and I've heard the trees blowing all day. It looks like the sky is a bit gray too. I don't know if we are headed to rain, but it sure looks like it.

Tomorrow I pretty much am assured I can't micro, so I won't even try. But I figure it's worth the detour to check if I can shower. Whatever tomorrow holds I have little control or influence. All I can do is try my best to hang on.

Day 5018 (V:742) - 3/28 - Too much morning stress

Today I indeed got to shower at school. I probably should have taken a soup to micro if they were open in that area, and if not I could have saved it. I guess I can when I go back Wednesday. Though I guess overall I had too much stress from my regular homeless life, because when I had breakfast it got kind of stuck in my throat and I threw half of it up. I feel ok now, it was just very bad GERD stress, so I just feel bad when it's happening and a tiny bit after. It's very worrisome when it happens even though I can feel myself breathing clearly. The throat being closed off feeling causes panic.

It got super rainy starting late afternoon yesterday and poured all night. It even did a bit this morning. It settled and stopped for a while, but it looks like it's starting up again now.

I'm having fun with my games and trying to be restful. At least as much as I can on a homeless day at the library. And so, I continue to try to hang on.

Day 5019 (V:743) - 3/29 - Probably rainy Tuesday

Today will probably be pretty rainy. I don't know what to expect, but I have my super fun new game. Though my laptop does struggle with it, but it can play, and that is something. And I try to continue to hang on.

Week 718

Day 5020 (V:744) - 3/30 - Surprise soup

Today I got a shower, as I expected, and to my surprise a micro soup as well. Though the main doors were closed to the food area, so I had to find a side door that was unlocked, and I wonder if it maybe wasn't supposed to be open. Though the special blocking gates were not rolled down, and the lights were on, so I would guess they just locked most of the doors to discourage the majority of people from coming in. Though really there wasn't anyone around.

I had a few sneezes today and felt pretty tired. My lungs actually feel dry, but in my head and very upper chest I feel a bit congested. I feel maybe a bit nervous or jittery too.

I guess it was a pretty ok day. There was nothing extra good or bad, so that is always something. Tomorrow will be extra rough though, as the library will be closed. I expect I will still go over and try to be outside, but the remaining plug spots are not very comfortable, or I guess, welcoming, so it will likely be rougher to hang on.

Day 5021 (V:745) - 3/31 - Bad brakes

Today is a very sad day. There has been a growing noise in one of my rear wheel wells for about a month. I thought it may be brakes, but looking it up that was estimated at about $150 to repair, so having nothing I didn't check. Since the library was closed today I figured I'd go check at a shop in the same shopping center as the food store, since I knew they did free checks. It took a few hours, but then they confirmed one of the brakes was effectively completely gone and the front ones are very low as well. They said it would be about $480 for each set. Which I knew likely would be vastly over priced since this was the same place that quoted me nearly $300 to replace the two tires that I got another place to do for half that price. Calling a repair shop I've used before they pretty much estimated a price at half the cost; $300-350 for the rear set, and probably closer to $250 for the front. I really should do the back as soon as I can, but at that cost there's no way I could do that anytime soon. I have no idea how long it will take to save that much up. In the before time if I were lucky I'd get that much 'extra' beyond bills for the entire year. This is even worse news for any kind of laptop replacement, as this puts me much further from getting anything.

After that there wasn't enough time left to be worth the time to go to the library. I'd have had 1/3 the time for a normal full day's gas use, and I didn't really want to sit outside since I would likely wind up sitting in an uncovered spot.

So today has become a very sad day emotionally. And all I can do is hope things hang on physically.

Day 5022 (V:746) - 4/1 - Voices in my ears

Today there were voices in my ears all day. The streamer I watch was doing a special thing, so they went all day and more, instead of just the first half of my day. They were playing a game I'm not super interested in, so it was pretty much just background noise to distract me. If I still had my new laptop, and the $200 lost in trying to repair it, I may have actually gotten this game at launch nearly a month ago. I was actually considering doing a pre-order, but not being one of my favorite types of games I decided to just wait for a sale and get it later. Now with the death of the new laptop, and my old one being unable to play it, I will not only have to wait for a sale, but also for a new laptop. I'm not worried though, it's not one I will be torn up over if I don't ever play it.

I guess it was a pretty ok day though. I had fun with the new game I played. I was sad there were no jobs to try for, but that isn't really anything new. My searches reveal jobs I'm not qualified for, or ones that are hundreds of miles away, so I'm used to not seeing anything. And the jobs I am maybe overqualified for, or ones that may be in office buildings, are places I may not feel safe. I still don't feel very safe even with wearing a mask since so many others don't, or wear them very casually.

But today I tried to forget my troubles and worries, tried to let go of the stress of the things I can't control. And I tried my best to continue to hang on.

Day 5023 (V:747) - 4/2 - Half sleep

Today there isn't much to say because I don't clearly remember most of the day. It is all a blur of having stuff to listen to on in the background while I mostly played my new game.

For some reason I only slept half as much as I could last night. I just couldn't fall asleep for some unknown reason. I wasn't excited, angry, worried, or in any other kind of unusual mood. I actually felt reasonably at peace (for what I can with my life being terrible overall, having recently lost the new laptop, and now the news of the brakes.) I just didn't fall asleep for a very long time, so I guess my brain is pretty exhausted today. My body is tired but doesn't feel much more tired than usual.

I suppose it is a good thing I was reasonably happily distracted from my sad things today. And so, I continue to try to hang on.

Day 5024 (V:748) - 4/3 - Probably worried over nothing

Today I was a bit worried about my old laptop. I noticed when I was watching a video the corner was a bit warm. It's not overly warm, just a bit over body temperature. It seems to be the spot where the old physical platter based hard drive is, which has the operating system on it. I have a vague memory of swapping their positions when I got my SSD because I was worried that it being warm under where I put my hand when gaming would generate additional warmth, so I don't think it's being warm is anything really new. But I did notice I could hear a bit of noise when I put my ear against the laptop. I suppose it is just normal spinning drive noise, but it seemed more rattly than I remember. And being the drive with the operating system, I may want to look at changing that to an SSD as well while I still can because if it fails and I have to replace Windows that would be a huge cost I couldn't cover. I'll have to research if it's easy to just clone the drive to a new drive, or if I can just format the new one as bootable and copy things over. And if I can replace it easily now it might be a good idea, since I probably have the money to in gift card money at the online store. I was hoping to save it for a new laptop, but it's only a tiny amount, and with the recent tire news, a new laptop feels like impossibly far away.

I guess I had a pretty ok time today other than that. I felt pretty lonely. And my life feels extra sad lately, first with the new laptop death, then losing $200 trying to fix it, and now news about the brakes, and now a small fear of what if my old laptop dies too. Not to mention all of the aspects of my own personal physical health being a worry too.

Things feel extra sad and lonely, and it feels difficult to hang on.

Day 5025 (V:749) - 4/4 - Less laptop drive worry

Today so far I am much less worried about my old laptop drive. It has stayed completely cool so far. I'll monitor it through the rest of the day though and see if different things affect it differently. It's possible there are only a few types of show watching or games that trigger the issue.

Though I may want to update the drive to an SSD anyways. That way it would be off of the old physical platter drive, and that 3-8 minutes to start from a cold boot before I can do anything would be much faster. And things like browser windows or email that can take 30 seconds to a few minutes to open should be greatly sped up as well. And I'd guess to general windows use, like when having multiple things open tabbing between them shouldn't be an issue, and things should run on the desktop smoother in general I'd hope.

I'm exhausted though for some reason. Maybe I didn't sleep great. But I guess so far today isn't bad. Though it feels like now I have more things that are broken, or soon will be, and have more sad and worrying things than ever.

Day 5026 (V:750) - 4/5 - Trying

Today I will be trying to forget my worries and troubles. Though any one I am reminded of or think of causes me to remember others, quickly cascading, so the more there are the tougher it is to forget them. And it feels like lately I have the most ever.

But I will try to hang on as best as I can.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2022
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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