PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 14: Distant Memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 723

Day 5055 (V:779) - 5/4 - Tired and sad

Today I am pretty tired and sad. I am back out to my normal homeless life and I'm pretty tired. I rapidly became sad when I was reminded how bad the connection can get at the library. I tried to do some stuff in my MMO and was getting destroyed because every 30 seconds to 5 minutes or so the connection would pause for between 5 and 30 seconds. So I couldn't do the extra things I wanted to do. I'll have to hope it doesn't stay terrible for long.

I guess overall the day was ok. I got to do what I expected. Though there were more people than usual. And we seem to be gaining a few more regulars to my area, one of whom sat at my table. I guess she's ok. I'd guess she's in her 40s and has stuff to study, so she seems pretty quiet and not disruptive. But still, I'd prefer distance from everyone with everything going on.

I guess though I hung on ok. And that is all I can really do.

Day 5056 (V:780) - 5/5 - Crazy weather

Today the weather was being crazy. Yesterday it was hot and summer-like, but in the evening it got windy. And today has had an overcast fog, is 15F colder, and has a 30% chance of rain. The weather doesn't know what to do with itself lately.

I got a surprise gift card for the online store I use from my dad, so that is good. If my laptop power supply dies I should mostly have enough for a new one.

I'm pretty much right back to being nearly exhausted again. My eyes are pretty closed and sleepy and I'm already having a bit of a tough time focusing on things. I think it's mostly the combination of everything terrible and ongoing stress. I think if one of those were relieved I could manage the other, as I did in days before the apocalypse, or even in times after I got my new laptop and started feeling better. But very little help is coming these days, effectively none save for family or real life friends. So bills will be tough enough to manage with all these extra costs.

But all I can do is try my best to hang on. And try to continue to stay hopeful.

Day 5057 (V:781) - 5/6 - Rough throat, sneezing

Today I feel a bit more sick. I have a lot of headache, eye pain migraine type pain, sneezing, and through most of the day my throat felt rough with congestion. I don't know if it is my old cold or something the older student that has been sitting at my table passed to me. I feel super tired too, but that could just be depression.

In my MMO there is a sort of post max alternate advancement thing. It's not huge, things like 2% this, 10% that. They changed the system about a year ago and prior to that I was pretty much always maxed. While I haven't 'lost power' under the new system I am barely half way through. And doing the math, best case scenario at the speed I'm going, I'm looking at more than 3 years to max. I made a post about it in the forums because it feels like, because it's so slow, I'm being pushed away from the game. It feels like I'm being punished for having a character that can do multiple roles and have flexible choices. (If I were a single role I'd have 'more than enough points already'.) I doubt it will see much momentum, and there is effectively zero chance they will review the speed and change the speed. But I hope there is enough reaction that the devs do consider things. It just feels wrong and bad the way it currently is. Yeah, it only affects a probably very small percent of players, as most aren't even close to even the number of points I have, but I think it's very important to note that it 'feels bad' and doesn't encourage me to play more. It does the opposite.

Things are still the worst though. No change on anything. But I tried to hang on as best as I could with what I still have.

Day 5058 (V:782) - 5/7 - Free comics

Today was apparently free comic day. When I got up to walk around a little bit in the afternoon there was a sign in the library about it. I got four that look like things I'd be into. I'm sad I didn't know sooner. There may have been others I would have liked that they ran out of by the time I saw. I know in past homeless years when I tried there either weren't comic shops close to me, or by the time I got there was effectively nothing left. So this seemed like a nice surprise.

I felt pretty exhausted though. I even stopped playing games and just watched shows for a few hours. I even considered taking a nap outside the library in the morning. But often if I do that I risk messing up my sleep schedule at night. I had quite a bit of sniffling and sneezing too. Hopefully there will be a lot less people around tomorrow and I can try to be extra restful at a desk by myself. The older student hasn't come by the past couple of days, though someone has always sat at the table because it's starting to get kind of full again.

I felt pretty down and sad about everything today. I again tried to test the dead laptop last night, and not surprisingly it remains dead. I don't know why I bother to try every 2 to 4 weeks. But I suppose things were ok overall. And I continued to try to hang on as best as I could.

Day 5059 (V:783) - 5/8 - Tired and cold

Today I'm super tired and pretty cold. I was fine inside at the library, but outside is still turning more towards rain than anything else.

I suppose I had an ok day. In my game things were very quiet, likely due to mom's day. The library was pretty quiet too, though nowhere near as quiet as I expected it would be. I guess I had an ok day, though I left a bit earlier than necessary due to feeling very tired and sad. But today I tried my best to hang on.

Day 5060 (V:784) - 5/9 - Hungry, tired, and cold

Today I feel extra hungry. I thought about getting something extra to micro, but it's tough to pick what since it would be sitting at the library all day in my bag. I suppose I could have done hot dogs, but didn't think of that until now.

I'm also still very tired and a bit cold feeling. I'm pretty sniffly and a little sneezy, but I guess ok overall. The library has been pretty quiet so far, and it seems like it may get rainy later, so things will probably stay pretty calm.

I'm still very sad and down about everything going on that is still terrible for me right now, but trying to hang on as best as I can.

Day 5061 (V:785) - 5/10 - Probably sniffly Tuesday

Today I don't know what to expect, but I'd guess I will probably be very tired, pretty sniffly, and very sad about everything. I don't have anything special to look forward to, but hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Week 724

Day 5062 (V:786) - 5/11 - Cold, hot, cold, hot

Today the weather has continued to bounce back and forth. It's still going from seeming like rain to trying to get warm. It's very confused and unstable.

I guess today was ok, but I still feel a constant overwhelming sadness. Without a new laptop I have my MMO, but could run extremely few new games coming out. And with the extra bills, on top of the loss for trying to save the new laptop from dying, getting any games even if I could run them is impossible since there is nothing left. So everything feels impossible right now, as everything is falling apart or needs attention, and I have just a little bit of money to cover only a little bit of it.

But all I can do is hope my remaining things continue to hold on. And hopefully I can too.

Day 5063 (V:787) - 5/12 - Super tired

Today I am super tired. I again feel like I may just fall asleep at pretty much any time. I think I have a cold beating me up. I've been sneezing quite a bit. I have some congestion in my throat. But when I sneezed a few times in the library I took a decongestant and an allergy pill and seemed to clear up.

I'm very sad and down about my bills and troubles lately. And now returning to my old laptop I'm very worried that won't hold on much longer. But all I can do is try my best to hang on myself. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 5064 (V:788) - 5/13 - Spill day

Today passed quickly. Not in a good way, but not in a bad way, I suppose. It started and then it felt like not much later it was over. The only real thing of note was that I spilled soda on my pants in the morning. Now at the end of the day the spill has long dried and disappeared. (Though it still shows on my car seat.)

I suppose the day passed quickly because of how sad I am. My mind was, I suppose, preoccupied and that's why it passed quickly.

Things feel the worst and I am the saddest ever, with seemingly more and more things occupying my mind. But I suppose I held on.

Day 5065 (V:789) - 5/14 - Survey, twitching eyelid

Today I had to get something out of my head. The past few weeks really I've been feeling extra down about the new 'alternate advancement' in my MMO. They changed it about a year ago, and since the change I just have felt behind, less than others, punished, forced to do things I don't want to do, or play in ways I don't want to play, and forced to play for longer periods, all because my main can do multiple roles. As a single role I have plenty of end game points, but with doing more than one I don't. I made a forum post about it a bit ago to see if others felt that way and it got little response.

Today I formalized a survey and posted it through a fancy survey website to gather responses and maybe correlate some data to see if others feel the same, or to see if I am an outlier. I also reached out to a few 'influencers' to see if they would pass the link to their communities. Well, I guess I didn't really find the limitations on a free account until it was 'too late'. I actually started getting responses pretty quickly, and by the end of the day I had 27, of which the free account only lets you see up to 10. So I already have data I can't see, and had I know it would limit me to 10 I probably wouldn't have bothered. I guess it's fine. The data will gather. But to even see 40 responses I would have to pay $15. And if I wanted to see something like 1,000 I'd have to pay $100. And to see up to 2,500 I'd have to pay $380. I think none of those are worth the cost really, though technically I suppose the $15 tier would be 'greater than 35', which I recall was the minimum for surveys to be any kind of representative. I don't know what I'll do with the data. I had no idea I'd be capped at such a low amount.

About four times today I've gotten a twitchy right eyelid. It's lasted 5-10 seconds per episode, but it's like it causes my vision on that side to have a strobe effect. I think it's just the eyelid because one time I held it up and it didn't have the strobe effect. I'm not super worried as I'm certain it's just extreme depression and stress related.

I did get a super huge donation today that will be helpful. An anonymous gift card came in the mail. And while it would be difficult to use for some things it kind of came at a perfect time, as my car registration also came, which I'm 75% sure it could be used for that since they have an online payment system. (I'm only mostly sure because some places require the name match, and if that's required then it would be rejected.) I can try tomorrow and see.

So today was eventful I suppose. Some good, some disappointing, some bad. But I continue to try and hang on.

Day 5066 (V:790) - 5/15 - Big bill paid

Today I tried to pay the registration with the big gift card and it worked. So, yay for big bill paid. I also used a bit for a late bunny day pressent and got the cheap version of my upcoming MMO expansion. So, yay for more fun game in 3 weeks. And there is even a little left for gas after that.

My tummy was not the best today. I decided to not do lunchmeat and just have crackers and cheese, but the cheese made my tummy wobbly. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't super happy. I'm still sneezy and have headaches and such, so if I remember tomorrow I'll get a soup for lunch.

I guess the day was pretty ok. There were the good things, but I still have many sad things. But I guess I held on ok.

Day 5067 (V:791) - 5/16 - Sleepy ok

Today seems ok, but I am very sleepy. I feel maybe not quite as sad, but I got a shower and micro food, so that always gives me a little boost. I remembered to get a soup too, and I think I'm still fighting a cold, so that's good.

I'm super sleepy, but I guess I'm hanging on ok today. Still very sad about everything in my life, but I think I'm actually so sleepy that my brain can't focus on it.

Day 5068 (V:792) - 5/17 - Maybe warm Tuesday

Today I hope will be warm. The weather is finally becoming more warm than not. It seems like the warm weather has been very delayed this year. I hate the cold.

Hopefully I can continue to be restful and recover from my cold and extra stress. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2022
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher