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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 14: Distant Memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 687

Day 4803 (V:527) - 8/25 - Mostly just a day

Today was mostly just a day. It went pretty much as expected. Though I did have a bit more to do in terms of game stuff, as a few things launched lately, so I had plenty to play.

The throat or maybe heart issue seems better today. Though there was some pretty extreme tooth pain. One is nearly gone, so it is hurting a lot lately, and another has gotten a big cavity near the top, so that one hurts off and on. But now in the evening those both seem to have settled to 'normal' levels of pain.

I was again thinking how I can't even conceive of a life where I'm not in some kind of pain. But I keep hoping, maybe, someday, I'll see such a time.

Day 4804 (V:528) - 8/26 - The return of hot food

Today, mostly because it was my birthday recently, and so I had some gift money, I decided to detour to the fancy food store to see if the open hot food area had any new offerings. I know the cheap food store started serving hot soup again a few months ago, so I figured maybe the fancy food store put more out. To my surprise the hot food area was all up (as was the cold food area.) Some areas are a bit different, in that there were only a couple of meats, and now several areas have hot sandwiches that are individually wrapped, but many of my old choices were there. Well, that sounds like a lot, but of all the food I only eat about six, so 'many' is about three. There were different options than the food I previously got, but they do different things on different days. I think Saturday was my usual day in the before time. So my options for things like spaghetti may be a more realistic option these days. So today I had a super yummy dinner.

The day overall was pretty good. It seemed to pass pretty quickly. I think that is because there are extra things going on in my games, so I have a lot extra to do. But I wasn't too sad, of course I was a bit sad, I usually am even on the 'best' days. And my tooth pain has settled, so I just took one pain medicine dose in the morning and that was it.

So today was ok. But hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 4805 (V:529) - 8/27 - Ouchie thing

Today there is an ouchie thing on my back. I noticed it late yesterday, but today it seems to sort of bother me. I don't know what it is. I'd guess it's a bite or irritated scratched spot. If it continues to hurt I'll see if I can maybe get a picture of it. Though seeing it really won't help much I guess.

The heat seems to be returning. It was cooler for a while there, but I think I saw it was roughly in the high 80s today. Thankfully my time in the library avoids most of it.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to check on jury duty. I'd gotten a notice for that about a month ago and actually forgot it was maybe a thing until a few days ago. I signed up at the website, so theoretically it should automatically email me info. I guess tomorrow is the soonest I can check. I really hope I don't have to do that. I'm not really opposed to the idea in general, but with everything going on I'd rather not be sitting in a juror box a few feet from 11 others. I am already worried enough going to the library (where commonly only 0-2 people are within 10 feet of me.)

But today I managed to hang on, and hopefully I'll have good news that I'm 'dismissed from duty' in the morning and I can stop worrying about jury duty. And so, I try my best to hang on.

Day 4806 (V:530) - 8/28 - Feels weird

Today my chest feels weird, or more specifically the inside along my ribs. I don't quite know how to describe it. To try, I could describe it in two ways. One is like I've been super punched in the center of my chest and it shattered the sides of my ribs. The other is that I haven't eaten in like 24 or more hours. But both of those are too intense, as maybe it only feels about 10% as 'intense' as those sound. I probably just slept on my side wrong and so I sprained the sides and center.

I guess other than that it was a pretty regular day. The connection at the library was still a little bad, but not as bad as it has been lately. The weather has gotten super hot again. It's probably in the high 80s now in the early evening, and peaked at the mid 90s. My jury duty is on hold. I have to "check between noon and 1 PM" on Monday to see if there is a status change. Which usually means I'll be officially dismissed at that point. (At least it has the last 2 times I had something similar.)

I guess today wasn't terrible, but for a few reasons it could have been better. So I try to hang on, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 4807 (V:531) - 8/29 - Cooler, sad Sunday

Today is much cooler than yesterday. I don't know how hot it got, but I think it was only in the high 80s for most of the day, only briefly getting hotter. In my spot in the 'back' of the building I was shaded all of my time there, so it felt 5-10F cooler than it was.

The day was a bit sadder though. Being Sunday and needing to be in the back because they still haven't restored power to the side I used to sit on, that meant I was very aware of the homeless guy who must live in the bottom area of the building. His stuff was scattered all over the tables when I looked over the balcony near where I sit. I suppose he's easy enough to ignore, but every now and then I hear his noise and that reminds me he's down there, which of course reminds me I hear that because I am homeless and being here is the best option.

I guess the day wasn't really bad other than that. The connection was a bit wobbly in the morning, but not too bad, and it cleared by noon. I had enough food, though it wasn't great. And I had a craving for some cheese I've been getting lately, but I'd be outside today and it would not at all survive in hot weather, so Sundays are not a cheese day. At least not until we are in cooler weather again.

Not much happened today. I did get some 'likes' on a comment I made, so that was nice to see. I got to play my games and watch shows without really being disturbed, so that was good.

So I guess, today I hung on ok.

Day 4808 (V:532) - 8/30 - Warm outside

Today it is warm outside. I had to go out of the library out to the car to get something, so it was nice and warm. Inside the library is pretty chilly. I'm considering putting regular pants on instead of shorts because most of the warm part of the day I'm inside, and cold from too much air conditioning.

I guess today has been pretty calm and quiet so far. There is a slightly less than regular number of people here. It's early afternoon and there are only 2 people at most tables around me. (There can be 4 per table.)

I guess I'm ok so far today. Though I'm pretty stressed as the jury thing said I need to check again after 5. I wish they would hurry up and fully dismiss me. Worrying if I may or may not to go to a court place is very stressful in my life. I guess other than that I am ok and continue to hang on.

Day 4809 (V:533) - 8/31 - Hopefully regular Tuesday

Today will hopefully be a pretty regular Tuesday. Hopefully I won't have to do court stuff. Hopefully the library connection will be good. And hopefully everything will be calm and restful, and I can continue to be safe and healthy as I can during these terrible times.

Week 688

Day 4810 (V:534) - 9/1 - Maybe juror

Today was, I guess, not as bad as I thought it would be. I had to go for jury duty at 1:30. Since I didn't want to drive my car on the freeway to keep its load light, I left about 1.5 hours early for the estimated 20-30 minute drive. I think it was right around 25 minutes, so without traffic it was a good estimate. I had to go into a room full of possible jurors, sitting one chair apart, to wait to be called. Then was called into an actual courtroom maybe 30 minutes later. Of course, all the courtroom TV show themes played in my head as I walked in. It was pretty surreal. The judge did a big presentation for maybe 30 minutes going over the rough details of things and how serving is a great honor. Then we were given a pretty big questionnaire, I'd guess about 60 questions. If they can read mine, I would guess this will give them more of an idea about my background and if I should be immediately dismissed based on that information. I have to go back for more questions if I'm not in a touch over two weeks.

My most recent car theory was if I avoid going fast I could go longer before any issues show up and that seems to have held true. I don't think any issues happened on the way there. On the way back, about 3 hours after my arrival, I did notice the oil light blink on for a few seconds then blink off, and there was just the very slightest RPM slowdown when that happened. It only happened a few times, and I didn't need to push the gas to increase RPMs to keep things going.

I checked online and it looks like the part for the sensor is about $10. Apparently if it's going bad you can see oil in the connection wire. My model seems to be a pain to get to though, as someone had a video showing you have to take off the tire and get to it from underneath the car. So that's not something I can change on my own and if I were to try to have it changed that would likely be an hour of labor charge.

I do hope with everything going on I'm dismissed. With everything normal, with the car not having any issues, this might actually be an interesting case. But with my health being the worst ever in my life due to being homeless, things even more worse due to the closures, and the car issues, now is not a time for that, and it feels like it may end the car, or worse, end me.

As always though, only time will tell, and all I can do is hope for the best and try to hang on.

Day 4811 (V:535) - 9/2 - Sad and worried

Today I am very sad and worried about needing to go to jury duty. My brain would not stop thinking about things last night. I'm just maybe a bit obsessive compulsive, or fixate on things due to anxiety issues, so I'm always over thinking things, and repeating the thoughts and worries over and over. One thing that worried me is that of all of the potential jurors for the case, if those in the room were it, then I maybe only have, at most, a 30% chance of being dismissed.

And then there is the worry I would feel about being in a small courtroom sitting very close to other people. The jury area did not look like it had room to separate people. It looked like everyone would still be shoulder to shoulder. And even though they say the courthouse has filtered air, I can't help but worry that's one courtroom of several, with all people being there all day.

But it seems I have no control. There were no opt out options I saw that I would qualify under. So it seems out of my hands. All I can do is hope Fate is in my favor and in the two weeks time before I need to report again I am dismissed. And all I can do is try and stay calm and not fixate on things, and hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 4812 (V:536) - 9/3 - Won't be able to handle it

Today I am certain I wouldn't be able to handle being in the courtroom since last night my brain has spiraled and it feels like the early days of the virus all over again. The thought of being in a small room so close to people has me on the verge of a panic attack or collapse into a crying fit. If I'm not dismissed before the return date I will have to say I'm not at all mentally or physically fit enough to be a juror.

I guess my day was ok, at least as ok as I could try to be. I was continually worrying, but there was a decent enough connection to play on. Though with all my worry and sadness I played less than normal and just watched stuff the rest of the time.

All I can do is hope I'm released from duty soon so my extremely elevated stress and worry can go away, and I can try to go back to being as calm as I can in my very sad and worrisome life. And try my best to hang on until better days.

Day 4813 (V:537) - 9/4 - Suddenly hot again

Today it is suddenly hot again. In the library I was chilly, but now that I've left, even though it's early evening, I'm kind of starting to sweat a bit in the car.

I'm still pretty worried about jury duty. I wrote a one page long explanation of things going on with me and why I should be dismissed, but I guess there is no way to submit it to the judge or court. If the judge doesn't contact me before I need to report for duty again I'll have to go in and, I guess, submit it in person to add to my other information. I do hope they release me soon. Every day that goes by my system becomes more and more stressed at the thought of things. I'm back to being on the edge of breaking down crying or getting so nervous I throw up again.

I tried to have fun today though. I didn't play as much as normal because of my sad and worried feelings. So I spent a bit of time catching up with a show that was recently posted for free.

I'm extremely hot. Extremely tired due to lost sleep from extra stress and fear. But I'm trying to hang on as best as I can.

Day 4814 (V:538) - 9/5 - Too much stress

Today I have too much stress. Last night my chest started to feel pretty bad, possibly even before that. It feels like things are being poked by needles sort of in the center of my chest, behind the breastbone, and along the sides of my ribs (again inside). I lost more than three hours of sleep last night (and 2-3 hours every night since the summons). I'm honestly really shocked there is no place to claim homelessness or other emotional or physical hardship to be dismissed as a juror. (The only one I saw was under a category for age, if you were 70 or over.)

But I have to try to put it out of my mind or the stress will get even worse. Sadly though I don't think it will really lessen until I'm dismissed from duty. And even then I expect I'll remain shaken for a week or two before I start to have normal levels of stress again.

Today felt kind of bad, as it was a day I heard the homeless guy in the bottom area of the building. Thankfully it was only for about the last hour before I left. But anytime I'm there more than an hour my brain starts to fixate on how uncomfortable it feels with him there, even if I don't see him. I suppose on the plus side the only people I saw turned long before they got close to me. There was only the walker, who passed by me once one direction. No one else came by me, and there was no sign of the guy who repeatedly walks around me. So I guess there was at least a little less stress in that regard.

I guess it was about as good of a day as it could be with all of my stress. I had a good connection for playing. But again with the extra stress and sadness and not feeling great I didn't play as long as I could. I spent some time watching some shows, which I guess was ok.

As always, things seem out of my control, and all I can do is try to let go of what I can't control, and try my best to hang on.

Day 4815 (V:539) - 9/6 - Feeling not great

Today I'm not feeling great. My tummy and... attached parts don't feel good. It was probably some chicken I had left over from yesterday. I even had to run to the bathroom and I'm very glad it's still open. (They often close it on holidays, or at least close it earlier.) Food being saved overnight in summer is never the best. It may be stress from potential jury duty too, but I'm trying my best to not worry about that since I have no control over it.

I guess, at least so far, today is about as good as it could have been. I got time to do extra in the bathroom this morning. Since no one is around today I figured I wouldn't be interrupted, so I got an extra good shave. But, as always, it seems all I can do is try to let go of what I can't control, and try my best to hang on until better days.

Day 4816 (V:540) - 9/7 - Hopefully feeling better

Today hopefully I will feel better from eating not the best food on Monday and being extra stressed about potential jury duty. It's the first day they will be going over things for dismissals as far as I know, so hopefully a few of the answers I gave on the questionnaire will show them I'm not a great choice for either side. I almost even broke down and started crying Monday morning when I was at the store due to stress and worry.

All I can do is try to hang on, hope things turn out ok, and do my best for me with what few options I have.

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