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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 101

Day 701 - 6/2 - Slipping

My life feels like it's slipping away. Although I've only been on C&H's couch two or three months now, my life was starting to feel somewhat normal, somewhat hopeful. I had a bed to stay in. I had access to my movies and could buy new ones. I had access to my system and could play games again; got caught up on a few. I could cook or shower whenever I wanted. Today it feels like it's slipping away. I'm overwhelmed by sadness at the thought of living in my car again. I picked up a storage tub from my ex-garage to put my movies away. Next week I'll put my computer and cloths bins away. Very soon I'll be back to living out of my car. Very soon I'll be overwhelmed by sadness, sleeping in my car, and facing countless hours of boredom and waiting.

The worst part of it all is this isn't a kind of sadness or depression I can stop. It's out of my control. I can shoo it away to the back of my mind with access to my games, movies, and life, but without... without I'll go back to being sad and depressed all the time with no end in sight.

A few days ago I had hope. I had a feeling of a (somewhat) normal life. Now I wonder if it will ever end. Now I am sad thinking back and remembering the sad times - times that seem to be returning, times I have no control over.

Time passes

It's late, a bit past my later bed time. I wanted to stay up to play. I don't know when I'll get another chance to play again once I'm back to car life.

On campus I felt homeless again, like I was there to kill time, like I had nowhere else to be. I rapidly became lonely and sad. I was almost crying a bit after class as I went to a couple of stores that I used to go to when I was near that hub. I felt like, 'Well, it's only 9. I've got 2-3 hours to kill, then 5-6 hours of hiding from police.' I don't want to go back to that life. It's too sad, too lonely, noone deserves that. But it seems I may have no choice. I asked C&H about staying another month if I could get the money and it seems that's not an option. Even if we did give the money to the landlord he would want to totally redo their lease, do a credit check on me, etc., so it would be this whole permanentish thing. That wouldn't work. I don't know if I'll have an additional $100 after this month each month, let alone another $400. I have extra and could do it this month, but beyond is doubtful without something changing.

It seems my life is still in Fate's hands and I have little control over anything. All I can do is let the tide take me where it will and hope for the best.

Day 702 - 6/3 - So hot

It's so hot today. I was even hot in bed before I got up. I was roasting in my car. That thing is an oven.

I've been so very sad lately putting away my stuff and getting ready to be homeless again. C&H made a post about it trying to find me a place, but since even $100-200 a month is difficult for me to afford right now I've no idea how likely it is they can help me find shelter. Still, the one thing my sad times has taught me is there is far more to having, and feeling, at home than just having a roof over your head. It's entirely possible they may find someone willing to help me who will be a new friend , or possibly even a sweetie , but there is a far greater chance there will be no help, or if there is, it will be a couch with an uncomefortableness between me and the people due to not knowing each other.

Still, I go where Fate takes me these days. I have little control or say in what happens to me. I know what I want. I know what and who I like. But will I ever have these things freely again? I hope so, but it has been an enormously long time so far and my journey seems far from over.

Day 703 - 6/4 - Peeling

My left arm is peeling. Not scaley, bad, or super damaged like my forehead, but a soft gentle, very subtle peeling. Just the finest layer of dry skin is coming off. The new skin under is so very soft. Of course, I'm pretty soft all over, I'm like that. We are all so soft and fragile though after we've been hurt. We need time to heal, and when we do we must be extra careful. We are no different inside than out.

Day 704 - 6/5 - Trying not to be sad

I tried to have fun and not be sad today. It's very difficult because no matter what I do thoughts of my homeless days have been flooding my mind. While it seems like ages since I was truly homeless I think it has really only been a few months that I've been at C&H's. That's a good sign, as what of my life could return came back pretty quickly. I don't feel so homeless as I once did. But, at the same time, I still feel as homeless and sad as ever. In the space of a heartbeat I can feel like I'm on the street again. Things seem mostly locally triggered, so here at C&H's the memories and feelings are rare, but they are still there. And there are still times I am overwhelmed by sadness at the homeless days yet to come.

I've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately. It seems no matter what I try I can't fall asleep until 5 AM or later. I've purposely stayed up late. I think it's between 1:30 and 2 now. I hope I'll sleep soon, but I guess I have little control over that.

I suppose the good news is that I'll be doing a few days of training at mini work, as well as getting some extra Sunday shifts, and possibly some extra hours on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays during the summer months. It's possible that by the end of August I could have several hundred in savings. I was very tempted to see about the $450 a month room for rent that the friend of C&H has, but the extra hours (at work) will only last through the summer. While two months of being in a place would be awesome, with no guarantee of having the income to stay after that time is up I think it could do more damage than good to take it. I would very much like to take the room, but the risk of cutting my money too close, the fact that I could then empty and thereby lose my storage space at the ex-house, these are some very large negatives which likely outweigh the positives.

Well, I am still putting out a few resumes here and there so you never know. I still have a week here as far as I know, possibly a day or two more. I just have to keep hanging on and see what develops. I am still hopeful and positive about things, but it is impossibly challenging at times against the overwhelming sadness.

Day 705 - 6/6 - Trying not to think about it

It's a later sleeping time for me, but somewhat early for here at C&H's. I figured I'd stay up for a bit for several reasons.

I'd guess it was a pretty good day today. I got to sleep until nearly noon, but still didn't fall asleep until around 3. I went and saw a movie with C&H and the little one. After I got back I decided to pass on doing a school project - it's not due for about 2.5 weeks - and just had fun for the rest of the night.

I did do some research on laptops and notebooks too. It looks like there is a new version of my netbook that can play games a lot better. Its rating for games is 10x more powerful than mine. Now, it should still be noted that even at that rating it's still only about 50% of the minimum you want in a mobile system for gaming, but it's a possible upgrade option in the future. It's around $500, and I can probably sell my current one for about $250, so that would cut the cost in half. A full desktop rebuild would be about $900, which is a far better investment, so I don't know. I may just hold on and continue to suffer to save the money for the desktop upgrade. I guess I'll see what happens and what opportunities make the most sense as they happen. I won't have the money to consider anything until closer to the end of summer, and who knows what will happen to me between now and then.

I'm still trying not to think about being homeless and in my car again, but my mind can't help but wander to there. I think about parking timetables, where items will go in the car, what has to go back to storage, etc. I can't stop worrying. I guess, as before, I will get through as best as I can. Not because I want or choose to, but because I have to. I have no other choice.

Day 706 - 6/7 - No house cloths

It struck me as odd today that when I do finally get back into a new house none of my old house cloths will have really survived. My main sweats are torn up now at the bottoms, the two remaining shirts have massive holes in several places. While holy cloths may be fine for inside, outside they would be a dead giveaway in my car. Noone wears ripped up and holy house cloths around here outside of their home. It will be odd to be moving in somewhere with so much in my life being different and changed. I guess that most of my cloths being different isn't really that big of a physical change, but tonight it struck me that way.

I had a pretty ok time at the pool mini work. I saw and chatted with some people I haven't seen since last summer.

My Monday class is still nuts. A huge section of papers I turned in came back again. This will be the third or fourth re-write for some. I was thinking about it earlier and this associates level class has made me do more writing work than basically any of my master level classes. It has seriously been like 30+ pages of writing, not counting re-writes, for something like 24 assignments (and like four more major projects like take home tests) for this 12 week associates class. This is just an insane amount of work. That is like being in a MMOG and telling a brand new level 1 player that they are expected to do a 4 hour high geared raid as part of getting to level 2. It just doesn't make sense. Well, I have a couple of weeks to finish still, but good god this has been an insane amount of work for this class. It's ridiculous.

I have tomorrow off, which I'll spend trying to relax and look for new/additional jobs. I'm still overwhelmingly sad about the forced move and pending homelessness, but there really isn't anything I can do about it. I just have to keep trying what I've been trying and hope something changes for the better.

Night peeps.

Day 707 - 6/8 - "Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present"

I'm having an ok day today, if we just look at today. I got to sleep somewhat earlier than normal, probably somewhere around 2:30 or 3, and I slept super late until about 1:30. I guess my body is finally getting caught up on some of the sleep it's been missing. It's earlier evening now, so not too much time has passed since I got up. I checked boards, and put out two resumes for part-time things. They wouldn't be steps into a career, but they would be more hours, which might be enough to secure me a place like the low-rent room that the friend of C&H has. I'm still very worried about the coming days, but I'm trying to just focus on today, while I still have a place to stay. I guess the near future won't be quite as bad as predicted, as the not-sis isn't leaving her current place until mid July. That means once I have to leave C&H's I would at least have a safe haven to park and sleep in my car without worry about police or neighbors. It won't be comfortable, my life will still be squozen into a few bags in my car, I won't have access to any games that can't be played on my netbook, but it won't be a full step to homeless car life. I'll at least have a protected place to sleep and be able to be inside a house when I'm not at work or school. I don't know if I'll be able to secure additional income to get into a real place before that time is up, but at least I can stop worrying about being completely on the street.

Not much else to say for today really. I'm still worried about my future all the time and still have no control over anything. More than anything my life is still about trying what I can try and waiting for change to happen.

Week 102

Day 708 - 6/9 - Visitation with my PC

It's pretty late and I'm super tired. I knew I wouldn't have slept earlier so I stayed up to play. In a bit of good news today C&H said I could visit weekly after I've gone - staying over to sleep was not stated but implied. At least that means I could also do free laundry (which was like $5-6) and have a super nice shower. Also, C said they decided to keep her office desk in the office, and I could set up my computer to share the monitor. So, while not a lot of time, I'd have access to my desktop maybe 4-6 hours a week. I could still get some real desktop gameplay time now and then, and that reduces my need/desire to upgrade my netbook, meaning upgrade money could instead go to desktop upgrades. Granted, with my situation putting it into savings will get priority what with only having access a few hours a week and still being ok in most games with my current hardware. Had I not gotten such a ridiculously overpowered graphics card it would be far too weak now to play newer games, but it's actually doing ok. I'm noticing far greater slowness from CPU intense things, like level loading.

Anyways... rambling... but it seems I'll have an actual bed once a week, at least a good couch, access to my desktop for 4-6 hours, free laundry, and on all other nights a safe haven to park until mid July at least. Plus, while at the not-sis' parking space I also will be able to hang with her and her little ones while I'm there. Though next week I'll be super busy with the dumb work training. At least by my estimate I should get more than triple my normal paycheck in about three weeks due to the training and other extra hours. Only $100-200 will likely survive past my eye exam and paying C&H back the rest that I owe them for the car, but at least I'll finally have a real start at some kind of savings.

Oh, and I again put out a couple of part-time resumes today, so you never know. I may yet secure those permanent 10+ extra hours a week to rent that room soon enough. It seems I've had a bit of good luck on resumes lately, though I've gotten no interviews yet.

Sleepy time for me.

Day 709 - 6/10 - Moving

It's super late, around 3. I stayed up late because I went with C&H to see the midnight showing of A-Team. It's one of those shows that basically helped form my personality while growing up.

Today I moved my system into C&H's office. It's at a desk and the speakers are all set up proper. Being in a back room I shouldn't have to worry about wearing headphones (unless I play while others are sleeping) .

It's odd having tonight off, more so tomorrow. I checked for jobs earlier but found nothing. I feel pretty good though, as if a positive change is coming soon. I don't know if it really is or if that is just relief at my classes nearly being over. I've had this feeling before in recent times and nothing has changed.

Well, only time will tell. Off to sleep for me. Night peeps.

Day 710 - 6/11 - Musical shifts

It's later than I should be going to bed, but I had a pretty good day I guess. I slept in until kinda late, went to get some food, took a shower, played some games, watched a show or two with C&H, checked boards and I think even checked for jobs.

My boss seems to be playing musical shifts with me. She's now asking if I can do a 2 hour shift Tuesday and Thursday during the summer. I guess extra is extra, though it's kind of a pain in the butt being only 2 hours. Still, it's just for a few months, so that will help to build up money during the summer. Still no word on the 3-6 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday thing she asked about, which seems odd. With my going back to being in my car from mid July on I figure more shifts is probably better. Sleeping at school is ok and all, never been an issue so far, but with my new car being more exposed, and with school shutting down in mid August for a few weeks, a reduced presence there is likely better; particularly if I get paid for my time. I can sleep at the not-sis' for a bit, maybe half the summer, so I won't be all that exposed/vulnerable at night, but still.

I guess that's it for today. I should really try and do some school stuff tomorrow. I do still have about two weeks to finish things up, but still.

Nothing really different today. Sad about getting ready to go back to car/street life, still ignoring school stuff because it's so frustrating, still no job news, still trying to find a job. Odd being off today since it's a Friday. I think it's been since New Years that I had a Friday off.

Well, can't think of anything else to say, particularly anything important. Night peeps.

Day 711 - 6/12 - Getting to bed late

It's much later than I should be getting to sleep. I couldn't sleep until 5 last night. It was super hot today, so I haven't been super tired despite needing to be at work early tomorrow. Plus too I think my body didn't want to sleep because there are only two nights left here. After that six out of seven nights I'll be in my car. Granted I'll have the safety of the not-sis' property to sleep on for about a month, but still a car is a far cry from a couch or fold-out bed to stay on. Though unrestricted access to a nice bathroom, place to cook, place indoors to store food and a few items seem like things you can manage without, "camping" very rapidly hurts your soul once you are no longer really camping. Camping itself implies you have a place to stay which is not the campground. Being homeless may seem similar at first, but it really isn't. Even though camping may have a lot of the same limitations, there isn't the fear and worry in the night. There may be some fear of the animals, but it isn't the same.

Anyways... rambling because there really isn't much to say. I tried to do schoolwork but the sadness of moving back to the street is really preventing all normal function of my brain. The tired and confused haze is returning and more than anything my body is reacting, doing little more than going through a list of chores one item and one day at a time.

Day 712 - 6/13 - A sad morning

Today is a sad morning for several reasons. I again couldn't sleep until after 5 this morning. By the time I fell asleep the birds outside had woken up and were making noise. I got about 2.5 hours of sleep before needing to come to mini work. Now it seems I can't take my usual nap, as the morning slot which has always been empty is now taken. Most of all I'm sad because today is the last night I can sleep at C&H's regularly. After tonight I'll only be able to be there maybe once a week and on special occasions to watch their place when they are out. It's far more than I had last year or even just about three months ago, but still. Moving back to being in my car again is terribly sad. While it is finally getting warm enough to have no real concerns about the weather, in the very near future I'll be looking at nights filled with fear, days of boredom and constant chatter and busyness around me, and evenings wondering how to get a decent meal that will at least somewhat agree with me without paying more than $5. I suppose once school closes down I could use the micro at one of my work locations. Though odd I suppose that could be a resource I never really considered using before.

Being 9 in the morning there isn't anything else to say yet. I've got about 5.5 hours left here to fight with my Monday class rewrites and such, so I suppose that's a good thing that I do have that time. Still... I'm so sick of these pain the butt assignments and so little change in my life. My life would be so much nicer if the beautiful blond came by to say hi and flirt , and tomorrow I got an interview for something between 25-35 hours a week at decent pay. I will always hope such nice things will happen to me , but the reality is that I'm in this sad position in life because I'm not the kind of guy those things happen to.

Time passes

It's later than I'd have liked to have gone to bed, but still very early yet. I think it's only about 12:30. Everyone is sad and worried about me, though there has been no talking about it or formal chatting. In a way I'll be glad to be moving on, as I'll know I'm no longer disrupting C&H's lives. But I know too that they wub me, want me safe, and like having me here.

It was very warm today. It kept feeling like it was early or mid week already. I was going to look for jobs and had a desire to watch game shows during dinner, but both can only be done on weekdays. Well, I could have looked for jobs; it just wouldn't have been worth my time since there would be no posts since I last checked.

My life basically got transferred back over to the netbook. I copied some stuff to the desktop then ran a backup onto CD. I'm actually almost at the point where I need a DVD to backup all of my info. All of these pictures for Epic Fail are taking up a great deal of space.

I'm still very confused about where Fate wants me. I no longer feel right on campus and taking classes (at least not these classes), yet it's where I have to be. While I don't feel really wrong at work, it isn't anywhere near enough regular hours, and with no benefits it is certainly not something to consider as a long-term position. My achievements seem to not be progressing me forward. My gains with shelter from the not-sis and C&H have been great and helped me to feel normalish again, but they seem to also be leading me no closer towards a goal, as I thought they might have.

My mind keeps wandering; no longer forward but backwards. Back to homeless times at school. Back to homeless summer nights. Back to early evenings when school was closed and I had nowhere to go. I have no choice. I must go where Fate wills me. I am not entirely alone, and I can visit C&H from time to time, and the not-sis and her kids short-term. But it seems I'm to fade back to the shadows, back to my homeless life that was. Time and lives of others marching on, going right on past me - a lone nomad in a void, left behind while seemingly everyone else floats along without trouble.

Day 713 - 6/14 - Back to car life

It's around what would be a normal in-home sleeping time for me at just before 1. I'm in my new car this time. Hopefully things will work out ok and I can be back in a room or on a couch before the not-sis leaves the area. I can't yet tell the comfort of the car, but unless I want to try the back seat I am very visible in the front seat. I'd say anyone standing up could see me from about 20 feet away, whereas with my old car they would have to be about 6' or less. In a car they could probably see me within about 15 feet, whereas in my old car there was really little to no chance at all to be seen by someone in their car if I was as flat as I could be. I'm very tempted to see if I can do an upgrade to a car like the one I used to have (with my summer money and selling my current car) - not just for homeless vulnerability, but also to get rid of all the other things I don't like about this car.

I had a good time with the not-sis and her little ones. It's been like months since I've seen them. They were super excited I was here again.

I'm not sure what else to say. I wish I was still with C&H. I miss the partial room. I miss my friends. I miss my (mostly) normal life. I can't help but think I'm still not moving forward. Things have changed a bit, but really I haven't changed. The world has changed around me and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why I can't seem to find a break at a normal job and normal life again. I know I'm smart(ish), funny, helpful, generous, and a good person in general, but I can't help but wonder if something is cosmically wrong with me, something so wrong with my soul that reality bends around me to avoid me. I can't help but feel like I'm being punished and not told why or being given a way back out.

Day 714 - 6/15 - Smooshed toe?

It's early morning just after 8:30. I'm here for my extra morning summer shift and there isn't a single soul here. It seems whatever this is would be something with adults, or unsupervised older kids. I don't know if the activity isn't scheduled to start yet or if noone is here. If this continues I may just nap in the coming weeks.

Last night was super challenging. Despite being ready to sleep by about 1, I didn't fall asleep until about 5. It was dark enough, though I'm basically surrounded by a bubble of windows, and it was so quiet there wasn't a peep from anyone or anything. I guess it was just my sadness and inability to get comfortable. I could stretch out my legs as far as I wanted, but I couldn't really sleep on either side due to the curve of the chair and stuff blocking my legs when I do turn.

I don't know why or how, but it feels like I jammed my right pinky toe. I must have smooshed it against something while I was sleeping. It's a touch swollen, shoes hurt, and it's like the area around the nail is super sensitive. There is, I guess it's called, a "dull" pain around there, to a lesser degree along the outside of my foot, and very slightly up my tendon along my calf, and along the outer side of my tendon behind my knee.

I actually finally got the check from the car people yesterday. I guess they did eventually mail it. Part of me is sad because the case is closed so I can't update their status. But another part of me is still satisfied, as that puts a black mark on their record and they will have to work hard and be careful with customers to clear it, which is what I really wanted.

Some people are showing up now, jazzercise people. No nap for me, though it seems I don't need to be ready for about 15 minutes after I'm scheduled to start.

I saw the craziest crash yesterday. On my way driving up to school I saw a small truck, and it had crashed and driven up the middle divider on the freeway. I have no idea how it got up that high. I guess being a little truck it isn't that heavy compared to a full truck, but still, to get on top of a like three foot high cement thing? Crazy. You can has picture.

Being early morning that's all so far. Terribly rough night last night and I'm sure it's not the last.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2010
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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