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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 53

Day 365 - 7/1/9 - Beginnings

It's lunch time in the cafeteria. It is super crowded - full of life and chatter. I just pretty much messed around with boards so far today. My job sites continue to be beyond dead. My automatic email alerts have been dwindling to between 1-5 jobs per alert as well. What was hundreds of jobs a week a year ago has dwindled to a vast wasteland of nothing. Entire weeks will pass these days where boards will get only a few job postings total.

I'm ok today, but a bit sad. I never thought I would be homeless this long and what is making me the most sad is that I'm no closer to recovery today than one year ago. i have more hours of work per week but I still have just about the same near total absence of money in my account and savings as I did then. I am still the same estimated number of months away from getting back into a home as I was a year ago. I still have no sweetie, no friends, and no job prospects - be they new or old career paths.

Work is being kind of dumb lately. They have me working all these shifts that are at different times. Two hours here in the morning, three hours there in the evening, it's dumb. Apparently it "wouldn't be fair" to have a set schedule since they added people for the summer, so this likely will continue until mid September. I suppose money-wise it's ok, and with no sweetie or friends I don't have too many plans that would be disturbed by the chaos.

I could have gone on a raid tonight with some good peeps, but my work gets out 1.5 hours after they have started, so I'll have to wait and see if I can join them next week. You can do each raid once every five days, so I'm pretty much out that raid for a week if I want to go with them. I was thinking of playing both days this weekend since it is a holiday and all, but without raids to join I don't know if it would be worth the money. I guess there is plenty of time to decide that later.

My eyelids are heavy. I'm tired; so very tired of not being able to game when and how I want, watch movies or TV on my equipment, of needing to sleep in my car, of needing to hide from being discovered at night and in the early morning, of needing to carry my stuff everywhere, of not being able to shower or dress choosing from anything in my collection... so very tired.

Day 366 - 7/2 - Same as .pdf

It's 12:30. Lunch is over and I just installed Word 2007. I can finally save files as .pdf whenever I want. Back in the day I tried using a USB drive to save them then move back to the hard drive, but files weren't linking correctly, so that wasn't an option. I have about 4 hours left before aquatics mini work that I can start the monumental task of getting Epic Fail book/year one caught up to the end.

I'm ok today. Still a bit sad, but not as much. Over the next few days I can finally get the overdue bills all caught up. I may even have a little pay left over to start a very small bit of savings.

Not sure what else to say. I'm so tired lately that I've been feeling like I'm constantly dazed and at the edge of exhaustion. I guess I should take some vitamins. Maybe I'm off chemically again to the point that I need balancing. Having just the same 3-4 types of soup for meals all the time is really throwing me out of whack. Of course the chaotic work schdule being at different times really isn't helping.

It seems I have Friday night off due to the holiday. I haven't had any Friday nights off in over a year. The thought is so strange. I don't know what I'll do. The library is closed, so while I may be able to shower or use WiFi outside I can't access power while I do so. I guess I can work on Epic Fail book/year one. It will likely be quite a while to get it caught up.

That's all I can think of. Bye for now.

Day 367 - 7/3 - Ongoing conversion

Doin' laundry. I'm so hungry. It's about 11:30 and I just had to do a training thing for aquatics mini work. It was ok, not too bad. I chatted with some peeps I don't normally see because they work at a different pool. One cutie was like, "So, how old are you?" And I was all, "Old. " And she's like, "25?" And I'm all, " No, hehe." So she's like, "30?" And I say, "No I'm ooolllddd. " So that was nice. She's like super religious girl though. She came from Oklahomah to go to church here? I don't know what that means exactly but it sounds suuuppper religious. Not my thing.

I got a mini raid set up for later tonight after work, so that should be fun.

Conversion to .pdf is going quick, about one week per 15 minutes since I've been spellchecking every week and such. It should only take a few more hours to finish. It just needs reformatting to the paperbook format. It's super quick.

I thought about getting a new razor yesterday, but decided to wait. They range from $40-85 for the ones I'm looking at, so I decided to hold off and check Amazon and see what reviews say about the higher-end ones, as that uses a new/different head design. Plus, it would only be a two week wait. I'm ok with that as it leaves more spare in savings. I will, however, order my Death Knight and another T-shirt. It's been a few months since I've been using the four I have with me, so I'll swap a few of those out.

That's all for now. Gonna do some reformatting of the Epic Fail .pdf while the laundry goes.

K thx bye.

Day 368 - 7/4 - Pew pew day

Happy pew pew day everybody. It's some time around 11 and I'm having lunch. It's really quiet out in the world. Everyone has the day off pretty much and is at home in their or other people's back yards.

Nothing super special planned for today. I'll go play later, but until then I'll work on the .pdf conversion and play wirelessly.

To my surprise the showers were open at school. I got a super long private shower. I decided to hold off on my purchasing a new razor until next paycheck as well as holding off on the new shirts. It will allow me to have about $150 for savings/reserve instead of like $50. A laughable amount compared to what I need for re-establishing myself in a home, but still something none-the-less.

With half of yesterday off, today off, tomorrow and Monday off, I actually have enough days off in a row to relax my brain a bit. That's the longest number of days off in a row for as long as I can remember - probably close to four months since if I didn't have work I'd have class.

Guess that's all for now.

Time passes

I decided some different things. I decided to not go to the game center unless I got a raid set up, and I decided to go eat at Panda if I didn't. So, here we are at Panda at around 6. It's early for dinner, but I didn't know if they would close early or not.

It's almost like apacolytpic world. Population is down to 20% of normal everywhere I've gone today.

I may rent a movie from the kiosk as well. I haven't decided yet because I don't know if there is anything wroth it that I haven't seen yet. I know I have enough battery power to do it though if I wanted.

The Panda cup is all kinds of wrong. There is a picture of a panda with its tongue sticking out with a thought bubble that basically reads "I love chicken". For those who don't know Pandas are vegitarians. They eat bamboo and leaves, not meat.

Can't think of anything else to say. Bye for now.

Time passes

The kiosk didn't have any good movies so I decided to spend more than I probably should have for a monthly two at a time deal at Blockbuster. (Which I'll cancel after this one month.) Though, that does have some good benefits over the kiosk movies. The main benefit is that I get access to all movies, new or old. The other huge benefit is they won't be messed up; at least not to the point of being unwatchable. If I wanted I could even activate it for games too, which is a benefit over NetFlix as well. Some nights I may even be able to sit outside and maybe cycle through the movies on the same night. Though if I'm not mistaken my battery won't last through two movies. I have two movies now, so we'll see how long the battery actually lasts.

It's so sad not being a regular person. Everyone is starting to hang out with friends now; earlier everyone was having BBQ fun. In years past I would always watch the Twilight Zone marathon on the SciFi channel. I suppose I'd be doing that now. It's sad to think I'd nearly forgotten what I did on this day just two years ago when I was in a home. It's been so strange to think about what everyone is doing today - all coming and going and being excited for fun they are having later. I have no plans really. I can't. While I can do things like watch movies on my netbook and play a few games, everything about my life is a very different experience than everyone else. No matter what you think of - sleeping, getting dressed, having dinner, getting ready for work - everything in my daily routine is not what a person thinks about for those daily routines.

My mind sems like it's in a constant haze now. I'm always sleepy and everything I experience seems clouded or diluted.

Day 369 - 7/5 - I has a guild

It's 1:45; time for lunch. It's still pretty slow everywhere because of the holiday. It's a bit chilly too - warm, but there is a breeze making things cool.

No raids to join yet today. I'll go to the game center in a bit, but I'll do a new thing with my time. Today I'll just add time to my regular account. That way I can leave and what's left will stay on there. In the future on weekends I'll do a 3-hour pass, which is cheaper than the 6-hour. Last time I was there the worker guy said it could be extended if I pay the differnece. They go in 3-hour incriments, so 3, 6, 9, so if I start with 3 and get no raid in that time I can just leave. (Pass time keeps running if you stay or not.) At 3 per weekend that's $20 saved per month compared to getting 6 hours. If I need more I can get more, but if I just sit doing nothing I could save monies.

I'm so sleepy. I don't know why. It could just be my body catching up on things. I got about 9 hours of sleep, which is decent, but you know, it's car sleep, so it isn't as restful as 'regular' sleep.

I joined a guild with peeps I've raided with before. They are a tiny guild, but it will give me access to knowing when they are doing all their raid stuffs. So that means my time at the center will be better spent.

That's it so far today. Gonna see if I can watch a movie while I nom lunch. It's not too bright where I am, so I should be ok.

Day 370 - 7/6 - I have all day

Today is an odd day as I have all day on campus to really do nothing. I think it's been about 6 months since I've had such a day off.

I slept really well after getting onto campus, but that sleep really only accounts for about 1/3 of my total. I'm still pretty tired physically and emotionally. I got up a bit early at around 9:30 and was 'out of bed' and on campus by 10. Since I have literally all day I decided to bring both lunch and dinner on campus so I won't have to go back to the car.

I decided, as my first act/project for the day, that I would work on the rather daunting task of checking all the links at my site and making changes as needed. Phase one is complete. I've got all of the notes and adjusted links ready. Phase two I'll do after lunch - placing those changes on the site. Back in the day in a home it was all done at once. But due to the limitations of the netbook resolution and WiFi speeds, it is easier to do phase one on a library computer with a landline.

It's been cooling off a bit lately. I'm in pants, a t-shirt, and an over-shirt. There is hardly anyone on campus. The crowd last week must be no more, as people decided to drop classes, couldn't get in to classes, or are simply not being on campus when they aren't in class.

It's sad I can't stop going to school and just live off my site. I love my site and helping peeps build uber systems and talking about games. If I somehow got just $1 from every visitor I'd have more than enough to get re-established and I'd make double my highest income ever. While it's true there really aren't any donation buttons in areas besides the Epic Fail pages I really never got any that weren't from Epic Fail readers. It's sad because I really love it and I'd be really happy getting hardware to test out and compare to refine my recommendations. Peeps always say do what you love and I've loved gaming ever since I was small when gaming first started. Sadly I've never been able to get into a career with it that I could have been really happy with. So far my experience in the industry has been limited to a single company on two games, not allowing me to really be free with recommendations or overall game/industry discussion with the community.

As we near the end of week one of year two things are basically the same. I just hope all of you can find jobs (and lives) you are happy doing, or are at least passionate about and enjoy doing.

Will my day ever come? Is it too late for me? In jobs? In love? In life? I don't know. There are many 'success stories' that didn't start in people's lives until half way through, so you never know. Maybe it is indded not too late. Only time will tell.

That's all for now.

Day 371 - 7/7 - Columnist

I've got about 15 minutes until aquatics mini work. I just had a weekly meeting there. It's so lame when I have less than 1.5 hours between activities.

Last night I saw the jobs I should have gotten/applied for by now - part time Psychology and part time Sociology instructor at the junior colleges. Back in the day that was the plan; get my Masters, teach intro level classes in Psychology and Sociology, and a few medium level classes, at the junior college. By now I should have gotten my Masters and be +2 years. But since the life derailment I no longer really know where I'm going and sometimes wonder if I even know how to get there. I'd like to think that's still the plan, but with all my various debt trouble I don't know how people will see past it to get that chance. I suppose passing the CBEST is still the first step towards recovery there. While the Associates level classes may help with a position in child care I don't think it is really helping (advance me) as they all want experience, which I curently lack.

I guess that's all for now. The meeting was most of my day so far. Again I had to hehe at peeps thinking I was 15 or so years younger than I am. Nice to be thought of as young and just starting my life, but I know the truth, and the chances of one of the half dozen cuties being single and interested is... well, just about impossible.

Off I go for now.

Time passes

All I can eat pizza and salad nom for teh cheap. So full of win a dinner. Nothing really special happened today so far. I guess things are ok though. I have a job that's a little bit fun, not stressful, the peeps are basically nice. I have a working car. Bill collectors only call me once or twice a day. I have access to teh Internets pretty much all the time. I can play my game. I can watch movies, sort of. Things aren't so bad I suppose - certainly much better than before and certainly better than as bad as things could be.

Ick. These tiny carrots in the salad taste like medicine.

I was watching Marley & Me the other night and I discovered that I'm a columnist. I talk about every day things and I have a subject (in the story). Thinking back on all of my writings over the years I've always written in that style. It may explain why I've never been really attracted to journalism. I always felt that reporting style was the only style there was. It seems there are different styles, which makes sense. I could totally be into being a columnist. Though, I don't know if I'd have enough ideas to draw upon to do it all the time, heh.

Note to self; don't put the pizza too close to the cinimon twists. The mixing smells are kind of unappealing to tummy.

The Fail week comes to an end and things are still basically the same. Though very different than a year ago it's not so different than a week or a month ago. My life continues. Though a true chance for change, growth, and recovery, still seem like a distant and unatainable goal.

Week +1.

Week 54

Day 372 - 7/8 - Fighting our nature

It's 11:30 and I'm nomming lunch. I'm soooo hungry today and soooo tired. I got a decent amount of rest falling asleep at around 11:30 PM and getting up around 9:45 (not counting the 1/2 hour at 6 to change sleeping spots), but I'm still so very tired. I'm wondering how long after being in a home, or at least on a couch, it will be before I start to feel regular and not sleepy again.

I've been thinking a lot lately about DPS (vs. tanking) on my Death Knight. The more I think about it the more I feel like 'yeah, I can do it, but it's not in my nature.' I've always been the one to put myself at risk in place of others, to get someone out of danger if I can. Several fields call it "temperment" - our natural tendancies and patterns that we have right at birth which define our daily routine, our likes, our interests, etc. What applies in gaming has also applied to my friends and even my work. If someone were to offer me double my pay at more hours to do something I didn't agree with or enjoy at all I couldn't do it. It's just not in my nature and I couldn't fight my nature. I think maybe some can fight it a lot more than others, having different tollerance points (the obedience experiments are likely an example of pushing this line), but I think that at some level a person must agree with something in order to continue. Like, if I were offered a terrible job I hated but I knew someone benefited by my doing it, I might be ok with doing it. But just a job I hated, like if it "paid the bills" and nothing more, I don't know. I've certainly never been one to do that in the past.

I guess I've just been thinking about it a lot lately. What is in our nature comes easy. If we can find a job doing that everything is easy and happy. But if not, what then? Is there suffering and sadness like I'm experiencing now? Is there emotional suffering and potential physical side effects like I experienced years ago at a bad/stressful job? How do we help those in sad places to be moved to happy places? Society certainly doesn't seem to have any resources set up to place people where they would be happy. (Certainly not for free.)

Less than an hour until aquatics mini work. Guess I should shoosh and finish eating. I've got a raid tonight, so I don't know if I'll write later or not.

Bye for now.

Oh, PS to those who find my choice of Death Knight over Paladin curious; I've tried Paladin a few times over the years and in previous times I've found their spell system (Judgements) to be confusing and their lack of direct control (taunts) to be frustrating. I hate watching peeps die with little I can do to get a critter off of them and onto me besides yelling at the screen frustrating, heh.

Day 373 - 7/9 - Standing, horizontally

It's a quiet day at aquatics mini work. I'm on my old lap swim shift, so things are quiet and calm compared to recreation swim when all the kids (and guards) are all here.

I got a UI add-on last night called X-Pearl. At first I was like infos overload and my brain was asploding, but now I've tuned it a lot. I get more infos than the base UI in WoW and a few extras like 3D portraits, larger player and target boxes/bars, spell casting warnings, and other stuff. I've even got it on my netbook, hehe.

Sleep is still weird. It's not so much me laying down as me standing horizontally. I'm still about 10-15 degrees off of laying flat and I can only move my legs so much. I can sort of go on my left side, but my spine gets a bit crunched, and I can't really go on my right side much at all. I've been in the same area so long now that the regular noises no longer keep me up. (I think I've even been there longer than a few of the local residents in rental homes.) I suppose it's dangerous in some ways (that I now sleep through noises), but I really don't think anyone would bug me about it since it's a back church parking lot. Poor me needs a place to sleep, ya know?

That's really all that's different today. I'll be continuing raiding tonight from yesterday and I'll only have about 2.5 hours between work and doing that, so there won't be much time for anything unexpected to happen, but you never know.

Day 374 - 7/10 - Bruising in my sleep

It's super early, not even 10 yet. I got up super early around 8:45 for some reason. I don't have to be at aquatics mini work until 1 so I've got about 3 hours for whatever. It's sad I'm not in a home - as always - as that is plenty of time to do important things in my game or whatever else I wanted. Wirelessly I can't do the important game things. I can look for a job and check boards, but on a Friday that will take no time at all, as boards of any kind are dead on Fridays (and the weekend).

I have an odd bruise on the inside of my left knee. It only could have come from sleeping and smooshing onto the right knee. I slept pretty good for car sleep and dreamt of a sweetie much younger than me. (Likely because I was thinking of the beautiful redhead last night who turns 21 soonish and who has yet to email or call.) In the dream we'd only just met but we were instantly sweeties and snuggling. I told her thank you for the day, as being a lot older I figured she' wouldn't be interested for long, so the day was like a gift. She got sad and mad and thought that I meant I wanted to break up and leave her, but I managed to calm her down again. I meant that she made me happier than I'd been in a very long time. A chemistry with someone is rare indeed, especially an instant one. I suppose some of that happiness is lingering on still now that I'm awake.

Before I was about 10 years old I never really remembered my dreams at all. As I thought more and more about the Nightmare on Elm Street movies I tried more and more to become a dream warrior so I could remember, control, and shape my dreams. After several months I did, and it was then I started dreaming in color and more imagined objects had actual shape. Before that if I dreamt that I had a gun I'd be holding nothing. My mind wouldn't fill in the things I hadn't actually experienced yet. Every now and then after I've flown; often a symbol of feeling free. But lately I can't. Like in one dream this morning I sort of hovered around and in one part I couldn't get through a doorway because of the load I was carrying on the platform that I was sitting on. (For those not into dream symbolism the door would be life progression while the load is likely representative of a mental burden I'm carrying - most likely my homelessness.)

Anyways... with the school library closed this will likely be my Fridays. I've got some time to do wireless stuff before mini work - I suppose I could even consider doing laundry - then mini work, then a short 1.5 hour break, then another mini work.

Well... off I go for now. K thx bye.

Time passes

Kind of a sad day for me. Some of the people at work were kind of mean and dumb to me the past few days, so that's not happy. My guild peeps are pretty much always friendly and nice though, and I got a friendly hello from someone I've chatted with before about my sad times. Things are still sad, but now and then I get reminders that peeps do care.

Day 375 - 7/11 - Sad life is saaaddd

It's super early, not even 9:15 and I've already showered. If I were in a home this would be a tired but great day. I'd have the whole day and night to relax, play games, watch movies, whatever. But, being homeless I can't relax because I'll constantly be surrounded by people and noise. If I want to play I'll have to be somewhere even noisier and if I want to group (without lag) I'll have to pay for my time. If I watch movies (which I likely will) it will be on a tiny 10" screen. There will be no chilling and watching whatever is on TV. (I actually enjoy the "bad" shows sometimes.) There will be no console gaming. There will be no dinner I've made that's extra fancy or spent extra time on. There will be no friends and no sweetie.

Back in the day 15 years ago boredom was common. The Internet was in its infancy and didn't really exist. There really weren't online games. (There were a few, but since you had to pay hourly people really didn't play much.) It was easy to be in your home and spend a day doing nothing. Well, it was never easy. It was... tiresome and boring, but you were used to it. Now... now the Internet is so huge, there are so many stations on cable and satelite, there are so many movies out all the time; now having a completely free day and no freedom to do anything is a curse.

I'm not cut off completely, as I was in months past. I do have some access to some games and some access to some movies. But still, it pains me to hear everyone talking about their hobbies that they enjoy (in unrestricted ways) and life plans/advancements they are succeeding in. It still boggls my mind that I'm the only one who doesn't seem to have that opportunity to be ok. Oh sure, there are those around me I see failing; various homeless and destitue here and there, a few who are unhappy or refuse to really try. But those like me who should be ok and aren't, we seem very few and far between. We have growing numbers in recent times, but still I wonder why it seems so hard and so rare for someone else to give someone a chance to succeed. Why reserve that resource? Why hold back from letting someone try? Why require proof someone will succeed without giving them a chance or helping them to?

If everyone extended a hand of hope and help everyone who needed it would be ok and the world would be a better place.

Day 376 - 7/12 - Didn't

I'm at an extra gym mini work shift. It's early at not even 9. I had to get up so early. I'm so hungry. My tummy is all grumbly.

Yesterday I just wound up playing wirelessly, got caught up with this week's Epic Fail, did a little bit of single player gaming, and watched a movie. Today I really don't know what I'll do. After my shift I've got laundry, I'll see if I can take a shower, and that's it. I'll probably just wind up playing wirelessly.

Um... yeah, that's really all I got so far. K thx bye.

Time passes

It's just past 8:15, not quite dark enough to start my movie yet.

Today has felt strangely lonely, yet I've been surrounded by people all day. I didn't do anything special and nothing special happened to me. I didn't watch TV. I didn't visit friends. I didn't snuggle a sweetie. I didn't cook dinner. I didn't watch a rented Blu-ray movie on a big screen. Today I felt uninspired, alone, helpless, lost, and forgotten. A beautiful, warm, and sunny summer day for those who could enjoy it.

Day 377 - 7/13 - Happy endings (not mine)

Lunch time at just past 12:15. I guess I'm running a bit late, as I have to run off to aquatics mini work in about 15 minutes. It's really just lame that my schedule is 2-3 hours five days this week. It would be so much better at 3-4 hours for three days; such a waste of time going there for only a few hours a pop.

I've started on a pretty massive project. I'm adding icons and thoughts for all of the Death Knight talents in my tips file. I've wanted to add icons forever and since I can save as .pdf I can finally do that. I'm about 3/4 of the way done. I'll finish by the end of the day. I should be back around 4 from work and I expect I'll stay on campus until 7 or 8.

That's it so far. Ten minutes left to eat then I'm off. So lame to have to shut everything down and pack it up. Back in the day I'd have just left my project/system running until I got back to my room.

That's all for today. I slept in but got up at 9. Even with about 10 hours of sleep I'm soooo tired.

Time passes

I just watched He's Just Not That Into You as one of my movies for tonight. If you haven't seen it I totally recommend it. But then teh rabb1t is a romantic. It's about couples coming together, moving apart, moving on, and love. It's about signs too - knowing when someone is really into you or not. I've been asked before when I'll ask girls out (that I mention in Epic Fail) and, well, see this movie if you don't get why. I've always been very in tune with signals and body language and as sad as it may be I haven't found anyone that's been into me. That's just how it is. Maybe... some day... I keep holding on to hope. But for now it just isn't. And that's the way it is.

It's about 11:35, so it's way past my (homeless) 'bed time'. 'Night peeps.

Day 378 - 7/14 - Not a speedbump

It's all I can eat pizza/salad nom time. Work was pretty bleh today. There were sort of two bosses being kind of mean at me again. It's like they've got all these extra people on shift being bored and screwing around and then they get mad at me for stuff?! (I don't screw around) Anyways...

There was the most beautiful girl at work and she was like, 'I'm soooo hungry'. And I'm like, 'I have chips. You can has some. ' And she's like, 'really?' So I made the hawtest girl at work happy. That's extra important because she was super sad the other day and stuff because a parent got all mad at her. I overheard her say she is Polish the other day. My ex-sweetie is Polish. I guess thin, tall, and blond isn't super common for Polish, but she and my ex are both that type.

Some poor person's car got busted up today. I got in for my shower on campus and this car comes whipping around the corner. I hear a 'kerklunka' and think, 'Wow, they really went over that speedbump fast.' Then my brain said, 'Wait a minute... there aren't any speedbumps in this entire section of the parking lot.' I look over at the car across from me and its bumper is torn off! I go hopping after the car to get their licence number - they didn't even slow down - but it was too late. They'd gotten too far and all I could see was their rough shape and confirmed the exterior and interior colors. Hopefully they have a class and they can be found and caught. A campus officer happened by right after and tried to give chase, but it was too late. He came back after a bit and took my statement.

I don't have to work tomorrow, so that's nice. I don't have a raid, but I'm going to help with a guild thing. It was waaayyy too hot today, so I'll welcome being somewhere cooler tomorrow evening.

Um... don't really know what else to say. Kind of a bleh ending to the week I guess. Things are just plodding along as they have been with nothing really positive happening to move forward. I'm still on the outside looking in.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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