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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 63

Day 435 - 9/9 - Things that are you

My poor anchles are being strangled by my new socks. They are dented from where the stretchy part is because they are too tight. I'll have to start stretching them out like you would a baloon before wearing them to hopefully speed up the acclimation to my size. I guess that and softness contribute to really great socks. I'd never really thought about why I liked one particular type of sock over another.

It's nearing 9:30 at the school spot. I'm sort of waiting a few minutes for someone. She didn't have the $2 for parking yesterday and she was asking if anyone had change for a $10. She kind of begged me for the $2 since I had like $7.50. I said I probably shouldn't because I was homeless, but I gave her $2 for parking. It's how I roll. She later found me at my car and said she would pay me back tomorrow when she was here again. (I think she is with yet another unmarked class / training through this week.)

I was talking to an online friend last night about my tooth sad. It made her super sad and she seemed determined to try and find me some help. To my knowledge no such medical help exists (only non-dental stuff does). But you never know, she may find a something. I suppose I have a dumb for not looking for low cost / free services already myself, but I did once upon a time and filed that in the 'no such creature file' and then forgot about it ever since.

Going to be wireless for most of today. I'm on "stand by" for my raid, so I don't know if I'll do that or not. If I don't I'll just do regular group things I can't otherwise do wirelessly. Today will likely be my last visit to the game center for quite a while. My hours on the next two week pay period are rediculously low at 8.5 total hours per week. If that continues for long... well... let's just say I'm going to very much be needing those nuts I stored up for winter. Thankfully school will be open again soon, so if necessary I can go back to cheap soups for many of my meals and that will help to cut costs back down again. Plus, with work only two days a week down from 4-5 that should greatly reduce my gas cost.

Well, gonna stop writing. As long as I am still in the world, still looking, still my attractive cute self, still chatting with various people, still contemplating life, we never know what the day could bring.

Time passes

Lunch raid time. I'm nomming some pizza left over from last night. I saw my friend/ex-roomie today. We chatted for a bit about her sister. I guess she recently moved back to the area and is local now. My friend/ex-roomie's boyfriend who hates me is going out of town for the weekend so I tentatively have a hang out plan with the friend/ex-roomie, her sis, and her sis' two little ones. (I guess they are like 10 and 8 now?) That should be fun.

My online friend peeps concern prompted me to do some looking around. I left a message with someone who is with people who do free cleaning/x-rays, so maybe she knows of someone who could do major work. I highly dobut I'll get my problems fixed what with probably needing over $10k worth of work, but, well, maybe there will be someone who would be willing to help me with one or two critical items for super cheap.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the what-ifs if I could go back to x and do things over again. I really don't think I did anything wrong. Thinking back the important values just weren't put in place by my parents. I was never told why I should do this or that. They were just bossy (dad) or ignored (mom) what I did. The parenting and raising is far more important than what the child does. Don't worry about if they are staying out too late. That kind of thing has it's own consequences they can observe. Focus on the unobservable, the long-term things. Don't tell them to 'brush their teeth or else', explain why it's important in terms and consequences they will understand. Tell them you don't want them out with person x, not because you don't trust your child, but because you don't trust the other child. Don't focus on bad grades, but instead focus on what they do well, what they enjoy, and talk about how much easier their lives will be if they do something that they are happy with.

If you are young and reading this take care of your body for you, so all your parts will be good as long as you life. Find a way to take care of yourself and eat right in a way you like. Don't just give up because you don't like the way someone else does it. There are so many ways to achieve a goal. Don't worry about work and a career so much as worry about figuring out what it is that you really enjoy and then find ways to do that. Over time a job or career will become a clear and obvious choice.

Above all be happy and at peace with yourself and those around you. Know what you enjoy. Know what defines you. Find ways that work for you to keep yourself healthy, strong, and in a job that makes you happy by doing those things.

Time passes

I fail at snack buying. I needed some soup type foods for lunch and I got tiny chocolate doughnuts for a snack, heh. I'll probably get something more healthy when I buy whatever it is I'm getting for lunch tomorrow.

I had a meh time at the game center. It wasn't really bad per-say, but grouping with people I don't really know is sad, particularly on nights like tonight when I gain so little. I don't really know how often I'll go back. I know I keep saying I'm not so interested, that I'd rather just play in a more controlled environment on my netbook; yet I keep going back. This time though it's more about the people. So much of a good or bad experience relies on the people. It's why I think larger servers are really kind of counter productive to a game. Yes, it increases the chance to find groups, but it decreases the frequency with which people run into one another. Back in the day with EQ the servers were pretty small and I'd often see the same people. It made for what I felt was a lot stronger community. It's like the difference between a single classroom of people compared to an entire shopping mall. With the smaller group you know more people. People seem friendlier even if they are just seeing each other regularly in passing. With the newer games I just don't feel that connection. Yes, that's what guilds are for but there are so many. And, even they can feel unwelcoming due to not seeing the same people regularly.

Maybe it's just more of my lonliness within a big world creeping in, but I'm starting to feel more and more lost in more and more places.

Day 436 - 9/10 - Isolation, unwelcome, and changes

Time for lunch; yeeeaaa lunch. I'm eating super healthy to counter the bad mini doughnut snack I got. I got grapes, roast beef, and crackers.

I did some calls for dental stuff and that's not going to happen. "Low income" discount ranges from 50% for light work to 0% on major work, which is what I need done. So, as expected, I have to continue to wait until I get a "real job" and get coverage through their. (Which is typically around 80% if I recall.) We soooo need socalized medicine here in the states so people like me don't develop irrational fears of dentists - being pushed in and out of offices as fast as possible with no information or choices on procedures being done does not foster a feeling of trust, value, care, concern, or answer why the fees are what they are. The people who need the most help can't get it. It's simply too far out o freach.

Mmmm super yummy, healthy, picnic style lunch is win.

Can't think of what else to say. *cough* Smoker is like 25 feet from me, ick!

It seems, for the most part in my travels, that the older people get (until they hit "old age") the less likely they are to be with others. Teens and college people have friends and travel in groups, but (working) adults are almost always single. I almost never see adults going to lunch together. (It seems day laborers / construction people are really the only ones who do.) At aquatics mini work that's pretty much true as well. Even when going to movies they are mostly paired if adult age, lunch it seems even more obvious. Is it an effect of my area? The fact that they get jobs too far apart from one another? Or simply that the sad truth is that as we grow up (at least here in the states) there is a greater and greater migration towards solitude and egocentrism than when we are young. Mind you it's a different kind of egocentrism than in youth. In youth it's more about perspective and understanding, while in adulthood there seems to be an egocentrism focused around isolation and needing to feel like we must do things alone.

I was talking with an online friend yesterday about something like that. She had a sad because her boyfriend didn't include her in an activity he was doing. He didn't get how it was important to her to be included. This isn't uncommon, particularly for males. So much in adult life we are expected to do things ourselve, to move forward in ways that get us the most gain and we are seemingly punished or left out in some way if we aren't selfish.

Like with my site. I update and post for the love of the hobby. Sure, in a way it's like a glorified note to myself, hehe, but everyone benefits. This is totally opposite to pretty much everyone. Allmost every other site has obvious or hidden agenda - be that advertising or sponsership. Sure, the people who work on the site may love doing it, but they still get some fame and money through ads and sponsors allowing them to have a much broader reach. Would they still do it if they suddenly lost all income? If they were told that their work won't be able to further their careers in any way? I very much doubt it.

Anyways, mostly rambling I guess. I guess I just feel - as I've always felt - that the world would be a lot better place with less greed and an increased concern for helping others as much as possible. There is far more to be gained from cooperation and an open dialog than by competition and secrets.

Time passes

Having a snack; Tummy is hungry.

I was having fun with my online friend and I overheard the manager person (at the Starbucks I play wirelessly from) talking to the friendly worker guy who waved at me the other day. I didn't hear clearly, but I heard something about what sounded like he was commenting about "being on the network for more than two hours". It probably cought my attention because from his perspective I'd been there for over two hours and hadn't bought anything. He wasn't there in the morning at 10 when the girls were who know me and I got my hot chocolate So, I don't know if he was talking about me, or talking about something else, some other kind of network, or what. It would be sad if he was talking about me and I was unwelcome there. There is one other local shop and I could bounce between them (there used to be two others), but it would be sad if I were unwelcome now. If I see the friendly worker guy again soon I'll ask.

That would be sad if that were the case. It's not like I use up space that's needed. Often times during the day I'm the only one in there and I do leave during the very busy lunch lime. I suppose it's ok. There is this weekend, next week, and next weekend, and then school is open again. I can't game from school, so there isn't much to keep my attention / distract me from my sad other than my shows, but it will be easier to cut my play time down to just being after 7.

So now I'm sad. Somewhere that I thought I might be kind of welcome because the peeps were friendly twoards me may turn out I'm secretly unwelcome.

I guess I'll go to the shop near school, or maybe just do some stuff offline in the lockerroom on campus for a bit. I have a sad, and feel unwelcome, and don't feel like being around people I'm normally around right now.

Day 437 - 9/11 - Smashed in the face

Upset and sad right now. I'm at gym mini work and I was trying to fix something that's been broken here and I smashed myself in the face. It's really dumb they haven't fixed that. If it wasn't me it would be someone else. So now I'm made and upset and feel sick. I suppose it will be ok. It's still normal color, but it is on my orbital bone near my right eye, which is a super fragile bone, so I'm worried. (Looking this up later it seems that it is not the orbital bone, which is actually the eye socket, but the "Zygomatic bone".)

Pretty regular day outside of that. I wish so much that I had a regular job with a regular home and regular friends/sweetie.

Day 438 - 9/12 - Farewell to summer

So much construction today. I wasn't expecting that. I did sleep ok though at the school spot until just after 9. It's nearing 9:45 now and I just had a long shower.

It rained last night. Not a sprinkle, but not enough to actually wash off my car (which it desparately needs); Maybe a 10 minute sprinkle total.

Where has summer gone? A second homeless summer has come and gone. So much is being renewed; kids at my work are going back to college, kids here on sport teams are starting to practice, high schools and middle schools have already started, yet so much is colapsing. My friend/ex-roomie that I'll be visiting later said everyone at her company (which is small, maybe a dozen people) took a 15% temporary pay cut so noone would have to be let go. Her boyfriend who hates me still hasn't found a new job for what seems like a year now. The nice person I talked to at Wing Stop before, who's name I think is Mike, was saying they don't get paid anywhere near what they should for the number of hours they work. What is going on to cause this? It seems like it's not ever going to get better. People say "the economy", but for those of us who aren't economists what does that really mean? Is it that person A doesn't buy goods, so person B and C don't get work hours and so on? Someone, somewhere, has to still be making money. If it's that noone has any to spend and so everything keeps going lower and lower, well that doesn't seem like anything that will change anytime soon. That sounds like something that could take years, maybe even a decade to fix. Seems to me that people will need to find ways out. This seems the perfect time to adopt more communial/socalist views on things (for those of us in countries like the U.S. who aren't already). Now, more than ever, it seems the time for those who do have resources to be kind and to share them with others who don't or who have very limited resources. I think the only way we will come out of it is together, yet it also seems that noone wants to act together and that in their fear they are still hoarding what they have.

Time passes

Lunch time, sort of a picknic in my car again. I droped off a bread and cupcakes for the hangout/party at the ex-house. Yeeeeaaaa for cupcakes. I can't remember the last time I had them. Weather disallows most foods for about 75% of the year. (Of course, the fact that they are sold in 6-packs (or more) has a bit to do with it as well.) I'd kind of forgotten that fact with the mini doughnuts. They got all melted and eewww by the next day. I still have them, but, bleh.

Sitting in the parking lot at the tennis park. There are people with baloons, people doing parties, volleyball, a bouncy room thing; it's fairly quiet and there is a cool / fresh smelling breese. It seems so odd to have so much more than other parts of the world while homeless here, yet compared to 99.5% of everyone around me I'm poorer than the poorest person here.

I can see how easy it is for everyone to forget the world and become wrapped up in just their own lives. If you don't watch or read news your "world" consists of only the surrounding 50 or so mile radius around where you live. It doesn't matter how many are in a desert starving, or who is bombing whom, who live without a constant smell of destruction or factories, have no playgrounds, no safety; all you see are those immediately around you. But then does it matter that most don't? Yes, we can certainly learn of the plight of others, but what can we really do about it? Even with wealth and power could real change really occur? Or would it require such radical restructuring and change that noone would accept it?

I will almost certainly be back on my feet and match those around me, but I likely will not live long enough to see any society really change. Sadly we seem to all be too stubborn, self-centered, or feel too helpless (and genuinly are) to affect real change. Real change will have to come from ideas, and emotion acting upon those ideas. I hope we, as a people, have it within us to do so. We certainly do as individuals, but are we strong enough as a society?

Day 439 - 9/13 - Chilled cupcakes; Flooded

It's pretty early around 9. I slept ok all things considered. I drank too much soda yesterday, something I sometimes do to counteract my allergies since I don't have medicine, so I had trouble sleeping before 2 AM. Also, I couldn't sleep in the school sleeping spot because there was some fund raising jogging event going on. (It ends at noon, so I may try for a shower later in the day.)

I had a good time with my friend/ex-roomie and her sis and her kids. I took over bread and cupcakes to put in the fridge to chill around 2:30 to be sure I could get them. (Cupcakes and other cake things are usually gone if you wait too late in the day.) The 'party' didn't start until 4:30, so I had to leave again. I came back at 4:30 and basically just hung out with my friend/ex-roomie while she played WoW. Her sis called around 5:30 saying she couldn't find the key to their car (she just moved to the area, so she is borrowing one of their cars.) We had to go over to take her a key. We did a quick tour of their new place. (I'd guess the place was about 40 years old with 25-30 year old carpets / wall panneling; Though the property is much older, dating back to farming days.) We didn't get back to the ex-house until around 6:30. It took until about 7:15 for her sis to get the key made, so we were getting dinner ready and just playing with her kitties until then. They are so huge now. We ate, watched a kids movie, then the kids went into a back room and watched shows on the Internet while 'the adults' watched Supernatural. Her sis was in the middle of last season, so they were all shows I'd seen, but the new one started last week, so I've got that to look forward to once I'm at a connection I can watch shows again.

It was weird being back in the place I'd lived at so long, doing laundry, having BBQ, and watching shows with the friend/ex-roomie like I used to. Besides my room being my ex-room now nothing really has changed in the last 1.25 years.

I didn't stay the night; wasn't invited, nor was I invited to come back today when her sis and kids come back for another visit. But I guess it's ok. I was pretty alergic to the kitties. Though I wasn't super bad, I wasn't actively sneezing or anything, I was a bit weazy and glad to be in my (mostly) alergy free car when I was going to sleep.

Such a simple life; playing games, watching my movies and shows, making a nice dinner now and then. Yet, still I continue to lack the opportunity to have it.

I don't know what the day will bring, but it seems warm and I feel positive and hopeful. I'll likely wind up doing nothing more than going to play wirelessly at one location (avoiding the one I'd previously been at where I may no longer be welcome), seeing if I can take a shower, play wirelessly at a different location, and killing about 4-6 hours at random parts throughout the day.

Well, off I go. K thx bye.

Time passes

It's a few minutes after 7 and my day is basically over. In a bit I'll go get something for dinner, but now I'm chilling in my car for a bit. It's chilly and actually has been raining for a short while. It couldn't have been for long because my car is still dirty. I expect though that before the night is over it will be clean.

As far as days go, I suppose it wasn't terrible. I slept ok, played my game for a bit, took a moderately cold shower (hot wasn't working), had a fairly healthy lunch, played a bit more, and now I'm just chilling a bit in the car.

Things have played out so I'll be bouncing between locations again. I won't be staying anywhere more than three hours. Once school starts things will go back to their 'be at school almost all the time save for when I'm at work', so in a week it will really be a non-issue. But it's sad. I seem to keep going from feeling somewhat secure in an area and then getting a scare and feeling insecure or unwelcome and needing to move on. I mean I'm homeless and all, yeah, so I guess there really isn't anywhere out in the world that really wants me around for much more than a few hours. But still, it would be nice if there were.

How strange... sitting here in the mostly dark evening light, with the rain coming down, I suddenly got an overwhelming feeling: it was near to X-mas, and I was about to dash out of the car (a much nicer one than the one I'm in), through the rain, and go in to the store (not these stores or this shopping center) to buy myself and my friends lots of fun movies. I have lots of money, so price doesn't matter. (Blu-ray are much more expensive in physical stores than they are online.) And it is close enough to a party at someone's house that the gifts would be unwrapped in only a few days, yet it is far enough from X-mas that I'd be able to get everything on my list without fear of them being out of stock.

Just a passing wish? A flash of X-mas future? If I won money or found an amazing job such a vision (to match the clothing, car, and emotional feelings I felt) certainly could come true. Just my imagination? As I've "grown up" ever since my mom died when I was 12 such imagination and fantasy has become more and more rare. Such strong feelings/vision is almost unheard of for years at a time.

Like chilled cupcakes the vision/fantasy seems like something that could only come true in fairy tales these days, something I alone can not accomplish. But, wishes can come true. And when such things are only a matter of money, they come true for lots of people every day - why not me too?

Time passes

Well, I seem to be flooded. Here I was enjoying a movie for teh cheap and my feet feel a wet. I investigate and it seems in the corner of the window I've got a major leak. My cloths bag bottom is wet, my pants at the bottom are somewhat wet, and there is no way I can sleep in the passenger side where I normally sleep while it's raining. If it stops I could dry it out enough, but as long as it rains it will continue to leak where my feet go. I don't know how I'll sleep tonight. And I have no idea how long or how much this will take to fix. I left a message with the shop that did the work and if they don't offer to inspect and fix it in the next few days saying I will go balistic would be putting it lightly. I've nowhere dry to sleep with this happening unless I completely rearange my car and sleep in a very cramped manner. I have no choice, so that's what I'll do tonight, but I don't know what I'll do in the coming rainy days.

Day 440 - 9/14 - Folded

Pretty good day so far I think. Last night I had to spend nearly the entire night folded into an L shape due to the leak. It stopped pretty early in the night and by morning it was mostly dried in that section (due to my having those plastic mats there). What was left over I wiped up before moving to the school sleeping spot. After, I got there I got a few more hours of (construction in the background) sleep. I didn't have much time after getting up before aquatics mini work, so I just hopped into the shower. When I got here one of the nicer bosses asked about my bump, as have several customers, so it's like 'yeeeaaa, peeps worry if I'm ok. '

I put in a call to the fix it shop and the guy who answered the phone remembered me/my car. He said to bring the car in and they'll fix me right up. So, yea, should be no problem there. I'll go do that immediately after work gets out. It actually works out better to go from work as it's a little easier to get to from here since I can hop on to a different freeway instead of driving through the city.

I may go spend a tiny bit ($5) at the game center after that. I haven't decided yet and it will likely depend on when everything is settled from my window leak.

That's it so far, but so far it seems like a positive day.

Day 441 - 9/15 - Windshield sealed

It's just after 10:15 at the repair shop. I'll be chilling here for a few hours while the guy does the re-sealing and it dries. I'm chilling in their break room. It's a touch loud 'cause it's next to machine stuff, but they have a micro and a TV. I'll enter Epic Fail and when I know it's clear I may even watch some TV.

That's all for now.

Time passes

The day has gone somewhat differently. The guy sealed the window in a different way that didn't require taking it off again, so that was done and I had eaten lunch and left by just after 11. It's now 6 at all I can nom pizza. Again I've had a double helping of salad, which is probably only the size of a normal person's salad, and will be having less pizza than I used to. All-in-all it will still be a bit more than I normally eat for any meal, but seeing as I will be eating soups for almost all the rest of my meals I think it's ok. It bulks me up on healthy foods I don't normally have access to, and gets me some tasty pizza nom. In the future, since I'll have class at this time, I'll probably stop by and do this at lunch every now and then. It may be every week, but I don't know. I may go to less frequently than that to save money and all.

I did some looking around on the web today and have re-joined a forum I left long ago. It's for The Secret World, which has finally gotten some real/solid news out about it. The game was announced... I don't know when. I'd have to guess back sometime about 1.5 years ago, but there wasn't really much news about it. It seems now news is finally starting to trickle out, though it is still pretty early in development. Hopefully, like with all the other games I want to play coming in the coming days, I'll be re-established in a home with a new system so that I can really enjoy it.

I guess that's it for my day. I'll be watching some shows and posting this week's Epic Fail, but I don't expect anything else to happen. I'll be staying here until my night is over and I go to my sleeping spot, so nothing interesting is likely to happen. Though I suppose these days, what with my busted up eye, my still swollen/cut tongue from the tooth shattering, my car leak, I suppose these days nothing else happening may be preferable.

K thx bye.

Week 64

Day 442 - 9/16 - A feast, of sorts

Lunch time; left over pizza. At the end of the night last night (hours after all you can eat ended) I saw a friend of one of the workers collecting up the leftovers into a box. It's awesome they don't waste it. It was more than a whole large. I guess I won't feel bad about taking a few pieces for my lunch, heh.

I'm outside of the "food court" here at the local mall. Someone mentioned they have the best and most stable wireless around. I'd forgotten though that without power I'll only have a few hours, so we'll see what is what soon enough I guess.

I took a shower then checked boards. The job boards are still as dead and quiet as ever. I played for a bit wirelessly with a friend, and updated my site a tiny bit. I feel pretty positive about the day and I'm looking forward to class next week. Though, I'd still prefer the greater level of depression from not getting any nibbles on the many job applications I'm putting out over an almost depression free inability to even apply due to lack of job postings.

I'm parked next to a Smart car. They are so tiny and cute. I see them pretty frequently these days. I'd totally consider getting one if I were looking for a new car. I was buying some foods with a contest entry for them not too long ago, but sadly I didn't win. I've never been a big car guy. I'm more of a style guy. I prefer the tiny and cute cars or little sporty cars over the bigger or muscle cars. Those SUVs, forget about it; Huge and ugly if you ask me. Even the smaller SUVs are like eeewww. I guess if you've got a family or if you need it for outdoor camping stuff it would be ok though. I wonder how many can really pick the car they want? Like just go out and get what they want even if it's a bit older or used. I think I've only met one person ever who was like, 'yeah, I picked this car and I love it.' Oh, and my friend/ex-roomie, so I guess two people ever.

Anyways... rambling. Not sure if I'll have anything interesting to say today.

Time passes

I had an ok day today. It's after 6:45 and things are winding down.

The mall connection is really good and I found a place to sit and have power, so I may do that more in the future. I didn't check video watching, but it was pretty empty in there and pretty quiet, so I expect it's fine. Weekends it will probably be too busy to be quiet, but we'll see I guess. Playing wirelessly was good. There was only a few bad lag/disconnect points. If my laptop were gamer grade I'd do just fine there. The netbook did pretty ok though, and due to the stronger connection I tried doing some stuff I normally can't wirelessly. It did fair.

I had a pretty bad headache, still do, so I got a fancy dinner. I got some chicken strips from the store (which I shouldn't be eating anymore what with my tummy not being ok with fried foods), some will be left over for lunch, some grapes, some Wing Stop fries (lightly seasoned this time), and one of those single serving apple pies for dessert. More than I should probably spend, but I figure if the headache is food related this should fix it.

Oh, I also got the new Wolverene movie from the kiosk for $1, so hopefully that will be fun and not scratched up since it came out like yesterday or today.

That's all for now.

Time passes

It's just past 9:15 and I'm feeling better now. My headache is mostly gone and I have a super full tummy (probably too much so, heh.) I wanted to talk a bit about Epic Fail. (I didn't earlier due to my headache and stuff.) My online friend had a sad earlier and she cried. In part due to just lots of stuff going on in her life, but also in part because of things and perspectives that Epic Fail has made her consider. Note that it is not directly my intent to make peopl sad or cry with these ramblings, only to make you feel and consider your lives, the lives of others, and your position in the world. I hope that Epic Fail serves as a reminder to never forget what is really important. For many of us our position is quite a bit higher than we consider it to be. We get accustomed to what we have, and we expect and feel we deserve these things. Everyone deserves a great many things, but we should also remember we may already have a great many things that others do not; nice foods, shelter, a family, love, friends, etc. We must never be in a position to forget how rare and precious these things are - to never become complacant and take them for granted.

I think I've said this before but it is my hopes that Epic Fail serves as a reminder to everyone. Know what it is that makes you happy, but also acknowledge what makes others happy, what used to make you happy that you may have forgotten about. Acknowledge the things that may be very very small, but are actually very important. But above all remember that life is so very precious and fragile. You don't have to be sad that it is that way, it just is. Just be mindful to try and remember that all of the time because so very many things can be lost at any moment.

Day 443 - 9/17 - Space invader

Lunch time. I'm not sure what to say, as today has been uneventful so far. Oh, someone did reference my site on a board where someone had asked for system advice, so that's always nice to see. I did some board checking and played wirelessly a bit so far, had a shower too, but that's it really. I've moved to the mall where I'll do more wierelessly and then later today I've got a dumb work meeting, so I'll probably do my laundry before that since it's in the area. I'm considering going to a movie tonight since Thursday is cheap movie night. I've got the free coupon too, so I could use that whenever. I guess what happens tonight happens. I've got no plans, and with these being the final days before school classes start my routine will be changing.

I'm tired. I've noticed I really only have three states lately; awake, asleep, and exhausted. I really can't remember a time while homeless where my body had that sleepy winding down slowness you get when you are sleepy tired or after just waking up. I don't get that anymore. I'm awake one minute, then I'll be asleep. And if something startles me or my alarm goes off I'm awake again. I guess it has to do with safety. You can only really be tired and listless if you are somewhere safe. I don't have that. I mean, sure, I live in an area where realistically I should never have to worry about being physically attacked or having stuff swollen, but it's not the same feelings of safety and security you get in a home. There is no soft bed to curl up in, no chair to settle in to while watching TV, no controlled environment around my computer to ease myself in to. All the space around me outside of my car is not my space and I am the invader.

Day 444 - 9/18 - Doesn't feel right

It's just after 5:30 at gym mini work. I spent most of today at the mall playing wirelessly. I keep forgetting to check the mileage, but whatever it is is way more than even the cheaper hourly rate at the game center. There are, of course, advantages and disadvantages to each, but for now the mall wins by a fair margin.

I took my keyboard and gamer mouse to hook up while playing, but the keyboard was way too large for the space, and the mouse just didn't feel right. The mouse is fine with the larger system, but now when I use it with the netbook it seems far too large - bulky and slow despite its lighter weight compared to other gaming mice and vastly higher DPI than the laptop mouse.

The meeting yesterday was dumb. It took around 4x as much time on the road driving as I spent actually at the meeting. It could have easly been done by email or new school webcast video style. The new gym boss wants to impliment new rules. Some are ok, I'm fine with them, but there are others that just are a waste of everyone's time and that make no sense since the visitors will not likely obey those rules. I don't recall when I talked about it, but this is one of those times you question why the rule exists. I understand why she is doing the changes, but the implimentation is fail and noone will follow them. It seems like since she took over aquatics at the start of summer, and now the gym about a month ago, she's making changes for the sake of change - to make it appear like she is a good boss because she is "making changes".

Well, dinner is ready and my movies for teh cheap await.

Day 445 - 9/19 - Surprise fun

It's nearing 10 and I don't know what I'll do today. I'll go get lunch foods after I write then go to the mall to play wirelessly until just before they close at 5. After that I've no clue what I'll do. That will be about 6+ hours of play which is usually enough for me (in WoW) on the weekend if I'm not raiding. In a home I'd take a break after, do other things, then probably watch a movie or play different games. But right now WoW and my two single player off-line casual games are really my only options for games. There are three to a half dozen I could play if I had a gamer grade system, but I don't. They are getting cheaper though and I fully expect a good one to be on sale around X-mas at $700 or so, but I'll have no money unless things change. I've got a decent savings amount now but after pyaing for car insurance for the year and taxes that I owe it's back at zero. By the end of the year all I saved up will be gone again.

I live. I eat enough. I sleep pretty good. My allergies are pretty bad and I'm congested a lot lately, but I'm mostly ok. Day by day I wonder; are these changes, classes, and seteps towards certificates really helping? Or am I plodding away not really going anywhere? Most of the time I feel - despite my gains - that recovery is still slipping further and further away.

Time passes

It's late, or early depending, at just after 1:15 in the morning. I got a surprise email invite from my friend/ex-roomie to hang out with her and her sis+kids. The boyfriend who hates me is out of town today and Sunday morning. So, from about 10 to 4 I was playing wirelessly at the mall. I'd actually gotten a few compliments on my tanking. Which are even more cool to hear since the netbook and wireless connection both gimp my ability / reaction speed by a bit. At 4 I went to buy food for cooking for dinner and to pick up the friend/ex-roomie's sis and kids. We got back to the ex-house just after 5. We watched a few kid friendly movies then watched some True Blood. I'm a touch wheezy now, so I know I won't sleep for a bit, so I thought I'd jot down my day.

During the night I did make a few trips to my ex-room. It was super sad. I almost cried. I was thinking back about I had my bed set up, where my computer was, where my movies went. It felt like I could turn the corner to go from the bathroom or kitchen and there would be my stuff with a game running on my computer waiting for me to get back. Mostly though it seemed abandoned... lost... like something that lost its soul and was filled back in with other things. I thought it seemed too different in color. I thought that it seemed much smaller and darker than I remember it feeling. But most of all it lacked a feeling of hope of a sweetie being there, of a game being played on my system, of a movie being watched. It felt... changed... sterrile. But most certainly a craft room, a room for visiting - not a room for live, not a room for love and laughing. I don't beling in there anymore, yet there seems to be nowhere I belong instead.

Day 446 - 9/20 - Perpetual motion

It's 8:45 at night and my day is basically over. I could have sworn I wrote something earlier, but it appears not. I started my day around 9 with a colder side of a luke-warm shower. It will be the last for quite some time, as school starts tomorrow and the water will be warm again. After, I grabbed a couple of foods at the store that I needed then headed over to the mall. I checked the times and it is open much later than I thought. I played wirelessly and watched a few shows for about 8 hours total. (Again I got compliments on my tanking, and a few in different groups appologized for others being kind of rude to me. ) It seems solid enough that I'll go ahead and cancel my $20 monthly unlimited access. I got that so I could spend long periods of time online when school was closed, but now that I've found the mall access (which is free) that is unnecessary.

I checked the job boards thoroughly as well, going back over the entire week again. The number of postings continue to dwindle. What was an entire week's worth of postings was less than what was being posted in a single day a year and a half ago when I was first looking.

Here at the end of my day I feel a bit dizzy, like someone has been moving images around my head all day. And upon reflection that's exactly what's happened. In fact, it's been happening for this past year and a quarter. It's basically perpetual motion. And that's bothered me possibly the most about being homeless. I'm always moving, or others are always moving around me. Even when I'm sitting still everything around me is not; people move, cars move, everyone is coming and going.

Back in a home I was sitting still. I would get up to go to the bathroom, or the kitchen, or laundry room - even if I was going to class I'd move then stop. In every situation I'd be still, move, then be still again. Out here in the wild everything is constantly moving. It's probably why I was never attracted to big cities and some are. I suppose not a very interesting or useful piece of information - certainly one I can't do anything about until I'm no longer homeless and able to stop and be in a still environment. But there it is.

There was my day. Got to play decently, tried to inch forward with my job stuff but couldn't as usual, and realized that it's the perpetual motion that's getting to me the most. Of course the constant noise, lights, and sounds bombarding all my senses doesn't help, heh.

Day 447 - 9/21 - The new old

Dinner time at just past 6:30. Today is the first day of my new old routine. Since the camper has been gone I've been getting to sleep pretty quickly, so I was asleep last night by around 10:30. I slept really well until 6:45. Since Pianno Man also no longer comes I've been back to the 6:45 time on weekdays. I moved to the school spot and slept until just after 9. I had the craziest dreams though, likely due to noise of people moving and talking around me. I had a shift at mini work, did laundry, then got to school around 3:30. I spent the past few hours watching the season premeers of Bones, Fringe, and The Office, and got caught up a bit more with Psych. After I'm done nomming dinner I'll head off campus to the mall to do some wireless play.

Tuesday and Wednesday I should solidly be in my new old routine of sleeping in at school, then going on campus to check boards and watch my shows. I have class Tuesday and Wednesday night, so hopefully that will be fun and interesting and help me progress forward.

I feel pretty good now that I've been here a while and I'm doing familiar things again. When I first got here I felt sad and lonely, again feeling like I don't belong here - due to age as well as emotional and social expectations.

I'm sure everything will be fine in time, but for the moment I still very much feel like there is nowhere I belong in the world. There are many cute young girls around I would like to date, but it isn't proper to think that. Everyone is full of hope of change and ready to move forward in life, but I am long past the point I should have progressed. And now, here we are getting on in the evening and most are going home getting ready for their evening, yet mine has no end.

Day 448 - 9/22 - The first class, not

It's so loud in the cafeteeria. My poor ears. It's 12:30 and I'm nomming lunch. I've seen a few of the friendly librarian people I know, and some of the regulars still seem to be here in the cafeteeria. It's strange, I've always liked the sounds of young people; be that a playground or kids in middle school, high school, or college. I guess it just reminds me of hope and life in the world. Businesses, offices, they always seem as cold and stagnant as a graveyard, but without the cool mystique that is an old graveyard at night.

My day is just starting. I watched the premeer of Heroes and that's it so far. I actually managed to sleep past 10 this morning, a first I think since school was last open. I guess I will get to do that often as my hours for the next few weeks continue to be reduced at 8.5 per week.

My first class is tonight. What will the day, the night, and the class bring? I can't say. I certainly don't expect anything as the last 10 years of classes seems to have brought nothing. Will it be just another class that feels like little more than something taking up my time? Will I finally find friends or a sweetie? We may find out... in time.

Time passes

Bit of an odd turn of events; there was no class tonight. After waiting a very long time a professor happened by and mentioned she thought that the professor for the class had a meeting and wasn't going to show up. Odd that there was no notification of this fact left on the door. So, for quite some time the class was waiting around outside just chit-chatting and stuff. There are a few cuties in class, and I bla-blaed with people around me in line for class for a bit, but we had no actual class. Due to being out early I got to help a lost person on campus get a bit closer to their class. He said he was hopelessly lost. I wouldn't have bumped in to him had I gotten out at the regular time. (I didn't take him directly to the door, as he was kind of across campus, but I got him to the campus center and pointed him in the direction his class should be and helped him start a mental map of where things are.)

I watched another show since I had time, and that's pretty much my night. I'm finishing up Epic Fail and I'll be off to upload it and play wirelessly to do my gem crafting daily. A pretty good day I suppose if seemingly uneventful. Perhaps some unseen things have been set in motion that may not reveal themselves until later.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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