Week 81
Day 561 - 1/13 - My poor ears
It is probably nearing 11:30 by now. I haven't yet left my car. I'm still terribly sick. 
Now the cold is in my lungs, nose, ears, and my skin feels... odd. I have what I think they call swimmer ear, where one ear is all plugged up and painful and won't unpop. I slept mostly ok, though I was heavily congested all night. At around 5 I woke up from coughing and couldn't stop coughing for about half an hour. It was another 45 minutes or so before I could get back to sleep. I remembered I had some noodles in back of the car that I could take the broth from, so I was planning to have broth for lunch and get a small chicken nuggets to nibble on through the day. With my ear pressure I fear what may happen if I leave my car. Sounds are all so loud and painful, and the cafeteria will no doubt be very loud. Plus, with my ear plugged I fear I may just suddenly fall over from getting dizzy. Thank the gods that I'm not already dizzy, but being my inner ear is plugged (which controls balance) I fear that may happen. Hopefully it will unplug enough to go soon as I can get decongestants and see the doc as soon as I can get on campus.
My lungs are so congested. I feel like my heart and lungs are drowning in slimy snot. Every cough jostles it around and my heart feels sad. If it weren't for the occasional cough and my ears screaming in/from pain I'd almost be feeling better again.
I don't know if I can do class tonight. If I were in a home I wouldn't worry about it at all. I'd stay home, drink warm broth, stay snuggled in a warm blanket, play games or watch shows that are less likely to make me dizzy and I'd ignore school. The thing is though that I'm already here on campus and there is a first, and very important, in-class assignment. I think I'll mention it to the teacher and just leave as soon as I can. Of course since I have no home I don't know what I'll do when I leave. I certainly can't do those things I mentioned. I'll probably just go and get some quite time in my car.
Day 562 - 1/14 - Poor ears still ringing
My poor ears are still ringing, have been since yesterday. My nose is now so plugged I can't even try to unpop them. My right one feels like someone has stabbed me in my ear.
I'm at the mall, and since I got paid this morning I had some options for self medicating. I picked up a tumbler thingy, some teas, which much to my sadness I was reminded that they no longer make the Lemon Zinger I loved, so I had to get a berry sampler thing, some meds, and some crackers. Though I doubt I'll eat more than a few handfuls of food. Tummy is still so very sick. Usually the mall water in the bathroom gets up to super warm so I figure I can do those most of the day. Sadly they don't get past like warm at the moment but it's not even 11 yet, maybe the water isn't all the way hot yet.
I still had pretty crazy dreams last night and this morning. Last night I dreamt I was a bag (like the ones in my game) and I'd turned into hundreds of pieces of gear and had to find the set I matched to for that dungeon. This repeated several times. I also had some major disconnect after I moved to the school sleeping spot, as I heard myself mumbling in my sleep several times. Not actual words though, incoherent things. Things like 'web wub mung wub ah ah', and 'meh meh meh meh meh meh'. It was likely more out of ear pain than my brain still being hooked up to my mouth and ears while sleeping. I'm still peeing a lot, though it's become more proportionate to how much I've been drinking, so that's good. My heart is still pounding and racing all the time, so that's bad. Sometimes I feel hot. Like driving here I saw a sign that read 54F, but it felt more like 64F. I had my window down a bit and everything. Obviously my five senses are still working independently and out of sync from one another. As I write this my temperature is dropping from feeling warm to chilly and my skin feels cold.
Hopefully I'll feel better soon, but at this rate I may not feel well again until early to mid next week.
Day 563 - 1/15 - Senses still off - thumpa, thumpa, thumpa
It's evening time at mini work. I'm still horribly sick. Last night's crazy dreams was about my mind setting a 'goal' and then achieving it hundreds, possibly thousands of times during the night. I must have gotten up every hour; each time feeling like 3 or 4 had passed. My heart feels surrounded by snot, so I think 'the goal' was to be sure the heart had a 'clear path' from my mouth so it could always get enough oxygen to keep going. Ever since yesterday my ears have been ringing and in a lot of pain. I think so much pain I was like crying and whimpering in my sleep. It's not a pain you can avoid or get away from since it is inside your ears. All night long I heard the thumpa thumpa of my heart beat pounding in my poor plugged ears. I had mumbly sleep again last night. My ears are so off. The only way to possibly describe it is if you had earplugs made of a very thick liquid. It's like most sounds are muffled and off, but ones of a higher pitch seem almost amplified. The cold is in my eyes too. I lose vision as the day goes on. It's like there is so much snot in my insides of my ears and the insides of my eyes.
Hopefully I'll be better soon. I don't like being sick. I suppose though that it is a more gentle way to remind us of our mortality.
Day 564 - 1/16 - Calling on sanctuary
Today I've decided that I have to call on the ultimate sanctuary. I have no choice. A bit after the late shift at work I'll head over and spend the night there, and again tomorrow as well. I'll have to leave pretty early Sunday morning, but I should be able to stay as late as I need/want on Monday since it is a Holliday and schools are closed. I'm guessing the janitor doesn't come on weekends. I'm far too sick to continue not sleeping somewhere warm. I should be able to sleep (laying flat) with a single layer of cloths and be just fine, which will help me sleep tremendously.
I had thought last night may have been a start of recovery. Though I was woken up several times by hacking cough and congestion I had a single, solid, unified, non-repeating dream. In fact, as odd as it seems, my brain gave me a choice when I first got up to pee. It 'asked', 'Tiger, or Dragon?' In my half asleep state when I got back 'into bed' I put up claws and stretched my neck and whispered 'rarrrrrr' like a sleek long black Chineese dragon would. I don't really remember the dreams that followed, but I know they followed the theme. (Odd that the Phoenix was not also a choice, but Tiger vs. Dragon is most common.)
Upon waking up to move to the school sleeping spot I had to actually wipe away the goop from my eyes before I could open them. I was no better in illness then when I'd gone to bed. When I got up at the school spot I immediately had a fit of coughing. So that's it. Tonight and tomorrow night I'm calling sanctuary. I'll try and rest a lot today before I go anywhere. It's already been nearly two hours since I 'got up', yet I'm still 'in bed' sideways. I had about four crackers for lunch and it wouldn't surprise me if that's about what I have for dinner too. Soon I'll try and take a shower to decongest myself and after I'll rest a bit more before going anywhere.
The incredible pain in my ears is my greatest concerns. Though they pop and unpop freely they are both horribly plugged. Things like eating crackers and the sound of my own heartbeat are the loudest noises in the world, yet outside sounds are muffled. Many things even just a few feet away are completely unheard. The congestion in my throat and lungs is horrible. It seems to come and go, mostly related to outside temperature - this is why I'm calling sanctuary. My voice is terrible. If I whisper it's fairly normal sounding, but volume over a whisper it cracks and simply may be inaudible. I think I still have a fever, which comes and goes with chills. At the moment that's fine and it too seems external temperature related. My tummy is... off is the only way I can think to phrase it. It's not sick feeling, but it's not hungry. It doesn't want to eat at all about 90% of the time. It's like it's been emptied of everything, both good and bad.
I don't know how or why I cought this cold. I hope I've found out why I'm not getting better and that calling on sanctuary will get me better. I'm going to have to 'call in sick' as there is simply no way I can work Monday or Tuesday. I'm beginning to wornder at this point if I'd even be ok for class Tuesday night.
I hate being sick. I don't understand how so many others seem unsympathetic. They just say, 'hope you feel better'. Once upon a time my friend/ex-roomie would have been such a sympathetic person and see if I needed anything, to check on me from time to time, to pick me up meds if I needed, but I've never had any friends who didn't live with me make such an offer (save for a recent offer from the not-sis). I wonder why that is. Are those who are truly compassionate and go into health fields truly so rare? Is it just our economic non-socalistic base influencinig people towards selfishness? I may never know.
Day 565 - 1/17 - 300% maximum congestion
I'm very glad I snuck in for sanctuary last night. It didn't help for my congestion too much, but when I woke up to cough once per hour it wasn't the horrible series of coughing that it has been. It was a quick cough-cough then done. One very important thing that did happen though (not counting being comfortably warm and laying flat all night) was that I had a dream that may prove to be very important. In the dream my subconscious left me a message. The message was "we are at 300% maximum congestion". During the coughing fit that followed that dream I thought about what it meant. Being far beyond my normal maximum congestion level would explain several things. It would explain my fatigue. It would explain the ick I feel around my heat. It would explain my ear pressure/plugged weirdness. It would explain why my tummy is so fragile (as congestion travels down the throat into your tummy). If I truly were vastly beyond my capacity to fight off my own congestion there would be no way I could clear my systems. This morning I picked up decongestants and more tissues. I just took my first triple dose of decongestants. If it seems necessary I'll do another, but I have so few in the pack that I'd like to save it for the evening. Single doeses would be all I'd have through today and tomorrow, and on Tuesday I could then continue with a dosage I want for free from school.
I'm having a juice (also gotten this morning at the store) and medium fries with my meds. (Though I think they gave me a large; it would make sense since the next fry order is likely hours away and they would have gone bad by then.) Hopefully in a few hours the meds will kick in and my dream will be confirmed and I'll start to get better. I was going to get decongestants the other day but I took a chance on cold/flu meds which supposedly had decongestant in them. I guess I should have simply over-medicated myself to begin with to be sure to breach the cold's tolerance level.
Well, here is hoping for the best. 
Time passes
My night is not going as planned; probably all in a bad way, but we'll see. Most of my day I was feeling ok, but by 6 my ears had started ringing and with it came mild dizziness and nausea. I left the mall a touch later than I expected and went to grab a micro dinner to have at work sanctuary. I've really been wanting to see a certain movie with dinner because it looked silly and I'm sick and figured it would lift my mood. They didn't have it locally. 'Well, no biggie.' I thought to myself. 'Maybe I can just get it at the store a few blocks from work.' So I drove the like 10 minutes up towards sanctuary and checked the kiosk there. Ta da, it was there. I made my way towards work/sanctuary. On my way in I see a patrol car pull out of the driveway. Well, that isn't entirely unexpected as it is attached to a (middle) school, so who knows what shenanigans could be going on because of that, and there were possibly homeless cars in the adjacent lot last night (and on other nights I've looked over). I think to myself, 'Well, damn. But, what are the odds he'll come back later?' I go ahead and slow down enough to pull in to the lot far enough behind him that he shouldn't see me (due to the curve in the road). I round the bend of the trees around the baceball field and make my way to the back where the gym is. There at the side of the building, poised like two barking dogs, are two other black and white patrol cars. I swiftly, yet casualy, turn right around and leave the lot. Whatever was going on likely would cause them to continue to monitor the area the rest of the night and remain on high allert if multiple cars had been on the scene. On my way out I saw a paddy wagon style car going the other direction.
Here I am now at the not-sis' waiting for them to return with my ears screaming, dinner defrosting in my passenger seat, a movie ready to watch, contemplating a night of cold sleep in my car instead of a nice warm sanctuary. They are here now much earlier than expected, so off I go. 
Day 566 - 1/18 - Waking up dead
It's almost 3 and I'm doing laundry. I'm still super sick and want nothing more than to be in a warm, clean, allergy free, quiet home, where I can watch TV, movies, or play my game. I had a good time at the not-sis' last night and for a few hours this morning. Things turned out ok. Not what I expected last night, but it was probably for the best.
Last night was warm enough when sleeping but the first time I woke up coughing it was like I woke up dead. I had zero recollection of dreaming and had no connection to my body at all. I couldn't feel my heartbeat, my breathing, any sensory input from my skin, nor could I tell what body parts were where. I was worried I'd died. But as my brain seemed to function ok, and I became more aware as time went on, I figured it couldn't be, as you suffer brain damage pretty rapidly after death, so death for even just a minute would have had some majorly bad lasting effects.
My mind feels more clear and less concerned today, yet sad I still have so many symptoms. My spirit feels lighter and that I'll be better soon, but still heavy from the congestion, lingering cough, and disorientation from my ear problems. My body is coughing a lot less, but I still have no energy, get winded quickly, become unstable feeling easily, and I'm very sleepy all the time. I'm still very congested, feel a bit of chills and/or fever on occasion. I still have a hard time thinking of things that my body agrees it would like to eat, but my appetite is returning. I would love to have a small salad and Pepper Strips tonight, but that won't happen unless I go back to the not-sis' house (or someone else's). I'm extremely short on money though. I'm nearly out as I need to pay my car registration, which is over $70, and from the class that I need to add, which likely will be $30+. Hopefully I'll be ok, but it will be very tight for a while.
That's all I can think of for now. I'm sure once I feel better I'll be more interesting again, but it's times like this that I realize just how bad I eat and how all the sad things and limitations in my life greatly hinder my health and happiness, physically and emotionally. I hope all of you out there are doing ok and don't have such terrible worries.
Day 567 - 1/19 - Set to see the doc tomorrow morning
It's just past 4:30 and I'm still so very sick. My appetite is slowly returning on a regular basis. I had a craving for my Pepper Strips last night, so I asked if I could return to the not-sis' place to cook it for me/them. I figured with such a powerful craving and my tummy actually being hungry I should probably give it what it wants and hope that means the craving is for something that will help me to get better. It wound up being about double what an expensive fast food meal would have cost, but it likely was much healthier for me. (Plus, it fed me, the not-sis, and her two children vs. a fast food meal just feeding me.)
Things are still bad. My poor ears are still horribly plugged and ringing and things sound all distorted. During the day my congestion is managable for the most part, but at night I am still drowning in snot constantly. It still feels like my poor heart is all cloged and being squozen by snot. My voice still sounds absolutely terrible. The cold is still getting in my eyes and making distance vision a fair bit blurry.
It's been pouring rain for days now. I don't think I mentioned that. For about two days now the passenger area has been lightly flooded and I've had to sleep crooked. I guess maybe that's ok though, as it likely means it's been a bit warmer at night than it otherwise would have been.
I went to the health center on campus and I'm all set up with an appointment to see the doc at 9:30 tomorrow morning. Hopefully she can figure out what's wrong and get me some perscription level drugs to clear me up.
This (fail) week seems like nothing but a whirlwind of feeling sick and being at the not-sis' so that I could shower in a steemy area and have a bit more quiet and reduced sensory input than campus would provide. (Though when the showers have hot water they are quite warm.) My dreams last night, while disturbing, were fairly normal. There was no repeating or altered time flow. My appetite is occasionaly returning, and I don't destabalize quite as quickly as I have been in recent days, so I should be on the road to recovery very soon. Sadly I seem no closer to overall recovery though. While I did put out a few resumes lately, noone has called or emailed for an interview and job postings still seem very rare to apply to overall. Happily and thankfully it seems unlikely the cold will end me in a bad way, but sadly it seems my life will return to its homeless normal with no good end in sight.
Week 82
Day 568 - 1/20 - I has drugs
It's just past 3:30 and I'm starving. I'm having a bit of an early dinner; which is both surprising in that I am genuinely hungry, and in that I'm hungry earlier than dinner after having a normal sized lunch at 11:30. I wasn't expecting to actually eat more than an orange and some crackers for dinner (what I had last night).
My day started a bit early to move the car to the covered school lot. Today is about day three of it absolutely pouring rain and being super windy. My puddle was about 1/2" deep when I tried to clear it later in the morning. After a bit more sleep at the school spot my alarm shocked me awake at 9 to go to my appointment. When I asked what she thought I had she said 'synusomethingsomething', which she described as something that can happen when we are under stress and extremely fatigued. It's basically that my sinuses have just gone totally crazy and are messing up all my other systems. She gave me drugs to clear me up that I'll be taking over the next 10 days (amoxicillin). I was glad to learn it wasn't something like pneumonia, bronchitis, or the ultra rare lay dormant for years H.I.V. infection. This would explain why noone else around me had been sick and how it could hit me suddenly.
My appetite is very slowly returning. I think with everything I will have eaten by the end of the day I will still only be 2/3 of normal food intake. Today is the first day my nose hasn't been constantly running since the start of the cold, so that in itself is a huge improvement. Also, last night I was only woken up about every other hour by coughing fits compared to every 45 minutes or so at the start of the cold. It's possible tonight I'll sleep through the night with next to no coughing at all and eat a normal amount tomorrow.
My nose and ears are hypersensitive though. I'm smelling all kinds of eew I don't want to smell in the cafeteria and the sounds seem like someone repeatedly stabbing me in the ears.
There is noone walking around on campus. It's a ghost town. People are either cutting class entirely or if they are on campus they come rushing in to class then go rushing out again. Noone wants to be here in this weather. I would probably just stay home myself if I could. The doc was shocked at my situation. I'm likely one of only a very small handful in the state who is homeless with noone to help me. Some people mentioned that on one of my boards too. It always amazes me that I am in this situation at all, not counting how long I've been in the situation. All I can do is keep looking for / applying to jobs and try and keep my head up. Control is entirely out of my hands and I don't think anyone realizes just how alone you can be until you are in such a position.
Teh bunnah is lost in a deep dark hole with noone to help him. He's a saaaddd bunnah.
Day 569 - 1/21 - Car smells like a wet dog
It's just a bit after 1 and I'm feeling a bit better in some ways. My ears are plugged more than ever and I'm super congested, but my cough did only wake me up about three times last night total and my liquid intake/outtake is a lot closer to normal. My appetite is returning and I've got an almost larger than normal lunch and I expect I'll be hungry for dinner later.
I slept in until just after 11 today, so between my two sleeping spots I likely got close to 12 hours of sleep. It didn't seem like it rained that much last night but my ears must have just been too plugged to hear it as I again woke up to a 1/2" deep puddle on my normal sleeping side. Yesterday I moved the mats before leaving school and eeewww it smelt like a wet dog. Today I tried to soak up some of the water, but I fear the smell is coming from the foot lining. I may have to cut that out in a few days if it doesn't go away because that isn't going to dry out anytime soon. If it got moldy and stuff there is no way it could be purged until the summer, some six months from now. No way I could sleep in a moldy car that long. I dried it as best as I could and I've got the heater blowing down into the foot area. Hopefully that and keeping it in a covered spot at school and the mall will help.
That's really it for today. Maybe 10% better and my car smells like wet dog. Sad life continues to be sad.
Time passes
It's nearing 8:45. I've been feeling like I've been missing something all night. I really don't know what it could be since I have nothing. My only guess is that my brain is clearing up from the cold and the sadness and shadows of my former life are returning; the brain wanting to cook, watch TV, watch a movie, listen to the rain from a safe, dry, warm spot, to go to bed early and snuggle under the covers and be warm and comefortable... but I have none of that. Nor do I have any unwatched shows. I checked for jobs, so I even did that.
I ate a pretty normal sized lunch, and although it took about 1.5 hours I ate a normal sized dinner as well. My liquid intake is still about 20% above normal, but that's a lot better than it has been.
I don't know what to do. I've done everything I can. I think I'll just wind up going and sitting in the car for an hour and being sad. There is really nothing else to do, and even then I'd be "going to bed early" at that point.
Day 570 - 1/22 - The forever cold
I'm still sick. My ears are still completely plugged and I'm pretty congested. I started sneezing today too. I don't know if that's a good sign or not.
Um... nothing really to say. I slept until nearly noon, about 14 hours of sleep. The car still smells like a wet dog or tar and paint. The passenger seat foot area is still soaked. It's raining a lot and I'm having to move early to try and get out of the rain. With my ears plugged I don't actually hear the rain so much at night, which I guess is a good thing.
I'm still so very out of it because of my cold, still so very sad because of my life in general. I don't know how long it will be before either is better.
Day 571 - 1/23 - Not so much with the getting better
It's just before noon and I'm drying some stuff. The car leaked again last night so again I had to dry the floor with towels and hope the heater can do the rest, which so far it isn't. I keep my work shirt under my passenger seat - a fact I forgot while sick - so that got completely soaked over the rainy days as well.
I expect today won't be all that interesting until 5. I'll just be at the mall until then. At 5 I'll go grab dinner to cook at the not-sis' (for just me) and get my monitor from storage. They don't have a regular TV connection and watch almost everything from the Internets. They only have netbooks like mine, so a family of like 3+ watching a 10" screen is less than ideal. Though it wouldn't surprise me if the 24" 1920x1200 screen turns out to be little more than a pixilated slideshow. At least, if it were tolerable, it would be a lot bigger with much better viewing angles. I hope to upgrade my monitor to an Eyefinity setup when I get re-established so I may let them just keep it. (While it is a very high-end screen it is also 5 years old now and even the lower-end Eyefinity screens out today would beat it out and be three screens for half what I paid for the one back in the day.)
I'm not so much with the getting better yet. I'm still very congested and my ears are still completely pulgged and ringing. My appetite has fully returned though and my liquid intake is just about normal, so outside of the ears I'm showing signs of improvement.
That's all for now. I hope everyone is in a warm, dry, safe, happy home.
Day 572 - 1/24 - There and back
It's late, past 11:15 PM. I'm at the not-sis' house. I've been here all day actually. At first I didn't want to leave because I've been really sad lately, but as the night went on I figured I may as well stay because things were going to close down and I'd have nowhere to go. I had a good time though. While the kids feel like I'm dad-ish I too feel like I'm in an actual family with kids to a degree. I finally left at just after 10, way later than I should have stayed. Though when I got to the ex-garage to drop something off the light was on, which made me feel unwelcome as it was a reminder that I'm not allowed to stay in there. When driving towards the sleeping spot I saw a sheriff's car, which made me worry, so I didn't feel safe about going to the regular sleeping spot. So now I'm back on the not-sis' property in her huge back yard.
I'm so very sad I can't stay in the ex-house's garage. It would be safe, dry, free from worry about the weather or poliece, probably much warmer and more comefortable than my car, and I'd be near to my stuff which would be tremendously spiritually uplifting. I'm so very worried since the police incident. I no longer feel safe as I once did sleeping in my sleeping spot. I don't know what to do. I can't have the between step of the ex-garage, and I no longer feel safe where I was staying. I guess I'm just about back to where I started. Coming here to the not-sis' is ok once in a while, but at $2-3 a visit I can't do it all the time. Plus it's not really good emotionally for the kids, or probably for me either for the reverse reason. I don't know what to do anymore. But, I don't think it's a question of options and what I want to do so much as what I need to do and what little there is that I can do.
At least at the moment it isn't raining and I can set up my passenger area to sleep normally. At least I seem to be getting slightly better, even though my ears are still completely plugged and screaming.
But lately I'm so very sad. I have no control, no real options, no true movement towards recovery or even improvements on what I do have. All I have is hope. All I have are a few bits of my old life to help me cling to sanity. But I wonder lately if it will be enough. I wonder if I will still wake up in the morning after the cold lonely night. And I wonder if I do, what will truly be left of me.
Day 573 - 1/25 - Getting better or not?
It's laundry time at about 2:45. I still don't know if I'm getting better or not. I'm fatiguing easily, have a bit of the cough still, my voice is still messed up, the cold is still sometimes getting in my eyes and making my vision blurry, my appetite is mostly normal but liquid intake is still high, but most of all my ears are still totally plugged and ringing.
I don't know how today will turn out. I'll go to the mall, check boards, check jobs, play my game, probably watch some shows, but that's it. I'm still so very sad and worried about my life. With the increased patrols in my regular sleeping area lately I just don't really feel safe. But, I can't go to the not-sis' place every night. Since I can only stay inside for a limited time and there are the kids there I can only be there so often. I suppose I could go and sleep there every night if I had the income to cover gas and extra car repairs, but I don't.
I am still hopeful my life will get better and I can go back to my life, but lately it seems like nothing I do is helping and my sleeping areas are no longer safe as they once were. What once seemed like a safe but not really improving gentle ride down a calm river now seems like a never-ending ocean and I'm right in the middle of it burning in the sun and what little resources I have keep spoiling.
Day 574 - 1/26 - Sad, sick, and rain
It's 10:45 at mini work. I have two morning shifts this week. I did last week too but I was way too sick to work. That's actually the only time I've been too sick to work in this entire year and nine months I've been working for the city.
I was super sad last night. I didn't want to be alone in my car killing time after the mall while waiting to go to my sleeping spot. I decided to see if a single serving apple pie treat would help; they've been on sale for $0.65 lately. And then I figured I could stop by the not-sis' and see what she and her childrens were doing. They usually make me lol, so I figured that might cheer me up a bit. There weren't any apple pies at the store, they were all gone. The only ones they had were ones not on sale for $1.50, which is just too much to pay for such a small treat. I was so sad I nearly cried. I've been so fragile lately. I got a loaf cake instead which I could share with others, something I couldn't have done with the snack pie. I went to the not-sis' and we watched some shows while she and her kids packed for a trip. They are going to Vegas and visiting a friend.
Not much else happened yesterday. I put out two resumes, so that's good. They were for a super prestigious school, so even though they say only an Associates is required I'm sure I'll be competing with people who have 10 years experience or more.
I don't expect today to be super interesting. I've got work for a few hours, then I'll likely play at the mall for a bit, then head to school to micro dinner and go to class.
I expect I'll be extremely sad again tonight. My life seems extra sad lately because it seems there is no way out, like nothing is improving or changing. While I am reconnecting with a few ghosts and I am sort of starting to make new connections, it really seems like I'm making zero job progress, worse yet zero career progress. I have no idea where to find a sweetie without paying lots of money for dating events or clubs. The weather isn't getting better, so I'm still sleeping in a coldish wet car (though I have devised a way to deflect the leak with my plastic foot area covers if it's only lightly raining so that I can sleep normally on the passenger side.) As long as I am in my car I don't feel safe from the recently heightened police activity. *sigh* It seems like nothing is getting better really and that nothing I'm doing is helping things to improve. I guess I just have to continue to accept that things are completely out of my control and keep trying what I'm trying and hope that things somehow get better in time.
Time passes
It's nearing 6:15 and I'm stressing out over my bills before class. Going over it in my head I have no idea how I'm going to pay for everything that's due. I'll get paid about $200 on Thursday, and with that I need to pay $72 for my car registration, $40+ for a smog test, like $30 for the added class, and that doesn't even count food or gas, or other bills that are due like car insurance, phone, and at least a minimal book purchase for classes (like $15 x2). Maybe that's been stressing me out in the back of my mind, maybe I've just been ignoring it because I have no idea how I'll make it through the next few weeks. I can't not pay for the car stuff, that'll be a huge red flag to get pulled over if I don't. I can't not pay for the class I'm adding, as I'd get dropped out of it if I don't. What's left even with just paying those is only about half what I normally have for food and gas for the two weeks, and normally I can pay my car insurance or my phone bill on top of that. *sigh* I feel so helpless and lost lately with noone to call on for help or other aid.
