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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 59

Day 407 - 8/12 - I has an ice cream

It's early morning, just past 9:45, and I've already showered and gone to get a few items I needed at the store. I'm waiting in front of another store to get breakfast. I'll go get more WoW time once they open.

Today should be ok. It feels ok so far. The day is sunny and warming up quickly. Save for a car pulling through the lot last night at around 2:30 the night was uneventful. I don't have to be at mini work until the evening, so it's almost like a day off. Most days I'd be grumpy about it, but today I think I would rather work in the early evening than the early morning. I suppose it's because it's the quietist shift and even though I've gotten ok sleep I'm still very sleepy. (Likely due to my various sads and the hot weather.)

I'm not sure what will become of the rest of my day. I can do wireless gaming and check for jobs/fun boards but that's really it.

I guess we'll see how the day unfolds as it unfolds, eh? With my life I can't really plan anything big or regular. About the biggest I can get these days is that I'm thinking of going to G.I. Joe tomorrow since I have the day off and Thursdays are for teh cheap at the theater.

That's all for now.

Time passes

It's about 9:30. I has a single scoop a Cookies 'n Cream ice cream. It's still pretty warm. I don't know the temperature, but I'd guess it's around 78-80F. There is going to be a lot of activity tonight, so it would be best if I stayed away from the sleeping spot until after at least 10:30. Due to the scare with the poliece I probably don't want to get there too early these days.

After my ice cream I'll try and play wirelessly I guess, but at 4:30 or so it was really unstable and not connecting, so I don't know if I'll be able to connect or not.

Guess that's it really. At times like this my mind wanders to happier times; times when I could buy a whole pint of ice cream and put it in the fridge, share it with my roomie, grab a movie to watch while nomming pizza and ice cream, or play my game super late because it's too warm to sleep under the covers on a warm night.

I don't really feel safe in my sleeping spot anymore; not since the camper showed up, not with the poliece watching. Movies are small and the sound flat and barely audible at times. Gaming is fun, but on a smaller screen than I'm used to, at far lower settings and speeds.

I suppose things aren't terrible because I do have these things. I'm not sleeping on the street with two changes of cloths on, too weak to walk to the showers because I have no car. Things aren't that bad yet, but they still seem fragile enough they could be, and recovery seems just as unatainable as ever.

Day 408 - 8/13 - Back to 15 hours -or- Concrete saw, jackhammers, big piles of dirt; oh my

It's nearing 9 and I've just finished a shower. I was woken up a while ago by concrete saws and jackhammers. They are doing something to the parking lot over near the pool at one of my school sleeping spots.

Well, I guess I have plenty of time for my day off to do stuff. It's a shame that what I can do is limited by funds or my netbook. Still, it's far more than what I could do last year and I can do many of the things I'd do on a day off in a home, all-be them a reduced level of quality.

Food is going to be a bit more expensive now that I've lost access to the micro here at school. Additionally, in two weeks I'll be back to my 15 hour a week work schedule. (This one coming up I put a smaller availability on my schedule to have some time off for my b-day or in the event I made it to BlizzCon.) Times will be tough again, money will be thin, but if things hold as they are I should have enough for the very most basic costs and a tiny bit left over to do some Internet things to keep from going crazy. I won't have much savings to speak of but it is slowly getting to where it could cover a small emergency or unexpected bill. (It's around a couple hundred.)

Since I couldn't afford BlizzCon for my b-day I will probably just get a shirt and/or Blu-ray movie or two. No doubt dad will send some monies, so I don't have to completely ignore it and be sad like I did last year. I will probably look into a hotel room for a night around then as well, but that will depend on cost. I plan on getting the BlizzCon webcast, so it would be nice to have access to a landline for at least one of the days.

Tonight I'll likely go see G.I. Joe and have a cheaper fast food dinner. That will make for a nice summer day off for teh cheap. That will leave about 10 hours between now and then for wireless gaming, job and fun board checking, and picking up lunch. I actually had somewhere to send a resume yesterday, but it would really just be a part time replacement job for my aquatics mini work. The job is from noon to 4:30, so it still wouldn't be enough hours.

Well, guess I'll be moving off to somewhere else. It's so loud here. Then again it isn't much quieter elsewhere.

Day 409 - 8/14 - The independent varriable

Quiet shift at aquatics mini work at around 11:45. I was so hungry this morning, but again I'm half way through my soup and I'm full. Though, there were some foods left over from a meeting this morning, so I did have a doughnut.

Um... that's it so far. It will be a busy day with micro activities. I've got about a 2 hour shift here, 2 hours off, a 1 hour meeting, then half an hour to grab dinner, then the 5 hours at the gym. Not much time to do fun stuff, just 1/2 hour before I came to this shift, then the two hour window.

The hawtest lifeguard is here looking for her monies and going to help teach a class. She just redid her hair and it's kind of a blond with some colored lighter streaks. (It was always blond though.) She's a sweetie.

That's all so far today. K thx bye.

Time passes

So I was looking at my tummy earlier and thinking that my getting these 10 or so pounds back has happened more recently than not. Though unlikely I'm wondering if the heathly drink has caused it. Maybe not directly, but more indirectly due to the reduction in cafeen. A lot of the time I'm sleepy now, and with sleepyness comes listfulness, so I'm wondering if the slowdown has caused the weight gain. I'll reverse the experiment now. Not entirely mind you, I'm at about a 50% or 60% healthy drink ratio, so I'll cut that back to about 25% and see if I lighten up again (and regain some energy).

Sadly I doubt I'll really be able to rebalance myself without being in a home. Without proper food and a properly controled environment to clear up my nose and lungs I doubt I'll really get into good physical shape. Not that I'm really bad at ~180 pounds, but I'm sleepy and tired a lot of the time, listless, and congested.

I'm not looking forward to working tomorrow. It doesn't really matter I suppose. All my days are basically the same regardless of what day of the week it is. But still, something makes me extra sad working (a lot) on weekend days.

Well, it's nearing 10 and my mini gym shift is nearly over. 'Night peeps. Hope you are all snuggled happily in yer beds.

Day 410 - 8/15 - Tiny entry

It's a slow time at aquatics mini work at 1:30. I wouldn't be surprised if they cut people and sent them home early. If they don't I'll be here pretty much all day. Later I may go to a movie and have some cheap fast food.

Um... that's it really. Nothin' goin' on that's new or special so far.

Day 411 - 8/16 - Sad Sunday

It's nearing 1:30 and it's time for lunch. I'm tired now. I got up at just past 9. I had a tough time getting to sleep last night, but I likely got around 8 hours. I don't know what it is about being out in the hustle and bustle of crowded areas but they always seem to tire me out.

I do think my heathly drink reversal is getting some of my energy back. No doubt if I were in a home and eating and sleeping 'right' it would be the opposite, but what with all of the energy draining factors currently in my life I think I may need the cafeen.

I was too burnt from work yesterday to go to the movie after, so I'll do that tonight. I may do a raid tonight, but that starts at 4:30 (roughly 3 hours from now), but without a 100% 'yes, we need your help with it' from the friend in the raid within the next 1/2 hour I'll pass, as I would need the time to see the movie. I really do want to see the movie tonight.

Still so sad to think about my being homeless. I think about how much fun I could be having in a home and see everyone around me coming and going. I still wonder what I did to deserve this bad karma. I'm the only one not going to/from my home to these shops. I'm the only one who seems to be getting hit hard by the current job market/economy who doesn't have someone to help me out with a couch or garage to stay in during tough times.

Bleh... sad life is sad, but I suppose it's a lot better than last year at this time.

Day 412 - 8/17 - Your signature dish

It's quiet early morning time at aquatics mini work. I was woken up pretty early at the school pool sleeping spot by construction again but I slept ok until around 8:45. I took a shower then played wirelressly for a very short while. It's nearly 10:45 now and I'm sooo hungry.

A few days ago I noticed a note taped to the camper's passenger side window. I've been tempted to see what the note says, but it is tough to find a time without someone nearby potentially seeing me go from my car to over there. It's very odd that it's on the passenger side though (facing the parking lot). You would think it would go on the driver's side, the windshield, or the camper side door. The person must not go to the camper often, as it's been there at least a week and it's easily seen because the note is always in the light.

District 9 was so awesome. It's best if you don't know anything about the movie when you go - other than that it's science fiction and done in documentary style. Just go see it.

That's it so far. Laundry later today, but that and wireless gaming are all that's planned.

Time passes

Just past 2, laundry time. For some reason I'm soooo hungry. It's a shame it isn't Tuesday because I'll have to spend more than I planned if I want a happy tummy at dinner. Having already eaten lunch and a snack and I'm hungry for more food at 2... I'll be way super hungry by dinner time.

I pulled out my old socks to toss them instead of washing them and put in the new socks. I was down to I guess just three pair, which would explain why I was always having to re-use them.

The less healthy drink experiment - technically reversal of experiment - continues. I'm still sleepy, but not as much so; still in a mental haze, but not as much.

I'm still so sad I couldn't get a ticket to BlizzCon, but with what I've saved I'd only have about half of what I expected (more if I'd had really pinched pennies), so I guess it's ok financially. Obviously it's an important b-day and an important happy event I would have enjoyed going to, so missing those can never be replaced. Whatever happens is what happens. As long as my sad story helps others to not miss the things that are important to them that's what's important I guess. Knowing there are (young) readers out there and that maybe my story has helped them to understand themselves better, understand others better, be open to new thoughts and experiences, well that's at least something to be happy about.

Time passes

Tummy was too hungry not to get a fast food meal. It is surprising though, as the burger is cooked quite excelently with a hint of pepper. It seems like a much higher quality than I'd have ever expected at a fast food place.

I really do miss cooking even though I really only have three really good dishes that I cook. I haven't felt like sharing them before, but today I feel like sharing so at least someone can continue to cook them. (Note though that it's been over a year since I've been able to cook, so be very very careful that you cook your meats thoroughly. My memory may be off and times/temperatures may need to be adjusted.)

"(rabb1t's) Pepper Strips"
Serves 2-3, Moderate difficulty. (First because it's my most favorite. )

1 pound steak (medium or high grade is better)
1 Green bell pepper
1 Orange (or Yellow) bell pepper
1 Red bell pepper
2 Tablespoons(?) Black pepper - fresh ground is best
1 Package of Wild Rice (or enough non-packaged to serve 2-3)
1 Tablespoon olive/vegetable/peanut oil - I prefer olive
Green salad is good to serve with this dish.

- Cut the steak into strips roughly 1/4" thick by about 4" long. (One pound of steak is typically about 4" by 1" thick by 10" long.) It will be difficult to cut it this thin, so a bit thicker is ok, but try not to exceed 1/2" thick.
- Place the cut steak onto a plate for later.
- Cut the bell peppers into strips. Usually I cut them (each) into 4 pieces (from the top down) then cut them into 1/2" wide strips.
- Place the cut bell peppers onto a single plate all mixed together.

- Time the rice so that it will be ready when the rest is ready. The steak and peppers will take about 20 minutes to cook.
- Place a small amount of oil onto the pan you will be cooking on and set the pan to medium-high. Once the pan is hot, drop in the steak.
- Brown the steak lightly on both sides. This should be about 5-7 minutes per side. As you are browning be sure to generously pepper and re-pepper each side. (The steak should be 'noticeably spotted' with pepper and it should easily be smelled.) Note that the light browning will not have completely cooked the steak.
- Turn the heat down to the lowest setting. Drop in the mixed bell peppers on top of the steak. Lightly pepper the peppers. Cover the now completed mix. Let it simmer for a total of 5 minutes, stirring occasionally (I do it about every 1.5 minutes.) Be sure when you stir to mix the steak juices around as this will help spread the black pepper and bell pepper flavors. This will warm the bell peppers. Be careful not to have the heat too high or leave it on too long, as the bell peppers will lose their 'snappiness'. We just want them warmed enough to soften up a touch.

- Place the rice on a plate. Place the completed Pepper Strip mix on top of the rice.
- If desired drizzle one to three tablespoons of the mixed juices on top of the serving plate. Caution: if there is 'too much' black pepper it will pool into one area. Avoid scooping out such a pool. Mix up the juice before scooping it out of the pan to be safe.

"(rabb1t's) Citrus Chicken"
Serves 2-3, Low difficulty

? Chicken - I tend to use about 3 "strips" per person, but this can be done with different cuts and sizes
1 Orange
1 Lemon
1 Package of flavored Rice (or enough non-packaged to serve 2-3)
Mixed vegetables are a good vegetable for this dish.

- Cut the orange and lemon into quarters.

- Time the rice so that it will be ready when the rest is ready. The chicken will take about 15 minutes to cook.
- Place a thin layer of orange and lemon juice into the pan you will be cooking the chicken in. No oil is required as the juice will be all you need. I tend to use about a 3:1 or 4:1 orange:lemon ratio. I typically put enough to have about a 1/8" deep pool.
- Cook the chicken on medium to medium high (depending on thickness) for five minutes per side. Covered is best, as it seals in the flavor better and reduces the amount of juice that will boil off. Add juice as needed as it will boil off fairly quickly. Try to not let the sauce get below 1/16".
- Though, it is ok if the juice starts to boil off a little bit. You just have to be very careful as it will burn quickly once it does. As it boils off it caramelizes, which is where the best flavor will come from.
- Repeat cooking on both sides for 5 minutes each.
- Repeat cycling each side as necessary for 3 to 5 minutes per side. (Only thicker cuts should require more than the initial 10 minutes.)

- Place the rice on part of a plate. Place the citrus chicken next to the rice. Place the vegetables next to those.
- If desired drizzle out a small bit of the orange/lemon juice from the pan and place it on top of the chicken and rice.

Expert trick:
If you want to try an expert level trick, after the chicken is done cooking remove it from the pan. Put in enough orange/lemon juice to be about 1/16" deep. Turn the heat up to high. The juice will quickly boil and start to carmalize as it burns off. Once it starts, very quickly place the chicken back into the pan and remove the pan from the heat. After about 10 seconds flip the chicken over onto a different section of the caramelizing juice.
Note that the expert trick is very difficult to do correctly, as the slightest bit of off timing will cause the juice to burn which will cause an overpowering flavor compared to the other, more subtle, citrus flavors.

"(rabb1t's) Steak and Potatoes with sauteed mushrooms and onion"
Serves 2, High difficulty

1 pound steak (medium or high grade is better)
6-8 Small Red Potatoes
1 Package pre-cut Mushrooms, or about 1 handfull of mushrooms per person (like 4-5 per?)
1 Onion
1/4 Tablespoon butter - though other things can be substituted butter is best due to the mix of flavors
1 Tablespoon olive/vegetable/peanut oil - I prefer olive
Green salad is good to serve with this dish.

- Cut the steak into their serving sizes if necessary.
- Cut the onion across the rings. Cut the rings in half. (So they basically make C shapes.)
- If necessary cut the mushrooms.

- Time the potatoes so that they will be ready when the rest is ready. These usually take about 20-30 minutes to boil. The steak, mushrooms, and onion, will take about 15-20 minutes to cook.
- Place a small amount of oil onto the pan you will be cooking on and set the pan to medium-high. Once the pan is hot, drop in the steak.
- Brown the steak lightly on both sides. This should be about 5-7 minutes per side.
- Turn the heat down to the low. Place about 1/3 to 1/2 of your butter into the pan and let it melt. Once melted place the mushrooms around the steak. Cover and let sit for about 2 minutes. Uncover, mix in a bit more butter as needed, add in the onions and flip over the steak. Cover and let sit for another 2 minutes.
- The food should be ready at this point. The onion should be clear, but still a touch snappy. The mushrooms should be soft, but not too soft. If things are not ready, mix the mushrooms and onions and flip the steak and cover. Check again at 1-2 minute intervals.

- Place the potatoes on a plate. (I tend to cut them into quarters.) Place a bit of steak next to the potatoes. Place mushrooms and onions and melted butter on top of the steak.

Day 413 - 8/18 - Stuff

It's 1, so hungry a lunch time.

The construction people kept me up this morning at the school sleeping spot, so sadly I didn't get to sleep in as much as I'd have liked. There are indeed continuing summer classes, so I'm pretty well disguised in the mornings. I shouldn't be bugged. But then, I've never had any issues about being shooed from the school sleeping spot.

Um... took a long shower and shaved all my parts this morning, checked job boards, checked fun boards, played a bit wirelessly, got all I can nom salad and pizza nom later, that's really my day.

I'm pretty sleepy, but good I suppose. It's still so strange being homeless. We live in such a consumeristic society it's like 'here is this new product you may like', yet I can't really consider buying any as I don't have anywhere to put them. (Nor the money to buy them.) I suppose that's the way it would be everywhere though. You buy stuff and stuff to hold the other stuff. Unless you are talking about ready to consume food you are going to be getting stuff.

I wish I could stop being tired all the time. I wish I wasn't always burnt out from traveling all over the place to do simple daily things that should almost literally be within arm's reach. I looked in to costs for a hotel room to take a break from it all, but as I suspected even cheap rates are $75 a night. With as dead as the vacation spots are lately it may be cheaper to look into flying somewhere else and staying there.

Guess that's all for now. Gonna finish up writing my recipies for my rabb1t peeps so you can has tasty nom.

Week 60

Day 414 - 8/19 - The tax man not commeth

So tired and sniffly today. I may take a little nap after my lunch. It's just past 12:30.

No clue what to say. Nothing up on job or fun boards really. I slept in a bit this morning and took a shower but still got up early at around 8. Played for a few hours wirelessly. Oh, I've been doing a new Priest (alt) character for a bit now. I figure that's as different from my main character these days. Plus, it seems tanks and healers are always in demand.

I got notice from the tax peeps. I indeed do not have to pay any kind of bad penalty fees, just like 1% of what I owe a month in interest. So, I've got until December to pay off that like $260 I owe them.

This morning it was super foggy/cloudy, like it was going to rain. It's still a bit gray now, but it at least cleared up a bit.

Think I'll close my eyes for a bit. Soooo sleepy.

Day 415 - 8/20 - Birthday +1

Welp, here we are at the now second homeless birthday. In a home this could have been an awesome day. It's not even 9 yet, so I'd have the whole day to have fun, make a special dinner, get cupcakes and ice cream... but homeless, homeless my day will be a bit different. I showered and shaved, so that's the same, though it took about three times longer than it would have in a home. I'll spend a few hours wirelessly and get a hot chocolate. Just before noon I'll go over to the game center for a raid I signed up for. (Though recently the game has been changed a bit and you can often get better gain by doing daily runs. Sadly it could take me months of doing runs since I can only do them about one day a week.)

That's basically my day. I may get a present or two, but it's been probably a good 15 years since there have been any real holidays or occasions where friends came over and there were lots of gifts. There will be no fancy dinner out or cooked; it will be soup. There will be no cupcakes or large amount of ice cream; though I do have a loaf cake and may get a single serving scoop of ice cream if I leave the game center early enough. There will be no joking about being an official old number - which I suppose I'm thankful for - though there will also be no 'kidding, kidding, we love you' that follows afterwards.

The life and celebratsions I once had are gone. The ones seen in TV and movies seem all but impossible fantasy for me now. It's true that everything changes, and maybe the day will surprise me somehow. But, so far I expect that today will be nothing more than +1.

Time passes

The night is over. It's nearing 11:45. The birthday didn't go as planned and has been split into two parts. The first part was tonight. It seems I didn't get three free hours at the center like I remembered it being, but instead the intire night, woot! So I stayed longer than I was originally planning and spent $0 instead of the $10 I was planning to spend. The second half will happen Saturday night with a lower cost fast food meal, movie, and small ice cream after.

An old RL friend sent me b-day monies, so did my dad, so I got three Blu-ray movies. They are once I've seen, but ones I love and have been wanting for a while. I'll also get a new shirt, as one is getting all busted up from over-wearing.

I had fun at the center, but, even though I take my keyboard and mouse, I'm getting really tired of it not being my system. I had to adjust several settings to match what I normally use. I would almost prefer my netbook that has my settings and conditions I'm used to than the chaos of the center. I may go more often with smaller goals, as I was very out of practice for grouping, but I don't know. Not being mine is really starting to annoy me. I think if I had a gaming laptop I'd be fine with not going hardly ever, or if I did I could just play on my laptop (for super cheap). Well, I can't consider that without spending a lot more money.

Anyways. I should scoot 'off to bed' as it's nearing midnight. I do miss my old place and my friends, but I think what I miss most is my environment, my stuff, having things set up how I want in an environment that I can at least partly control all the time. Out in the wild, forced to be around others all the time, that I don't like so much. Though, being at the Starbucks wirelessly there are peeps that kind of know me and at school I have some private space. That is at least something a bit comefortably familiar.

Physical space, time, and control over the environment; these are the things I miss the most about not having my own place and my own stuff in their proper places.

Day 416 - 8/21 - Middle birthday

It's nearing 11:30 and I'm going to eat lunch. I'm soooo hungry. I was again woken up by jackhammers and concrete saws this morning at around 7:30. I suppose I could go somewhere not school to sleep after I move, but school is really safest. I can sleep in until around 7 at the church spot on weekends and school won't have construction at all, so I should catch up ok soon enough.

I tried to watch the BlizzCon web footage, but the network connection was failing after about a minute or two of being connected. I don't know if the site is being hit too hard or if it's the WiFi. It seems, like all conventions, that there are events, and of those events there are only a few I want to watch, so I'll try again at around two when the event I want to watch is running.

I suppose my multi-phase b-day is going ok. I had fun yesterday and today should be good if the stream clears up. A movie and cheaper fast food tomorrow is always fun.

My neck is still fairly cramped and the weather is still pretty cold.

Not sure what else to say. Nothin' else goin' on.

I suppose I could mention that my Priest will have over 33 abilities once I get them all. Most of the time if I get more than two hotkey bars worth of abilities my brain just explodes. I suppose some I can choose not to use, and some are only rarely used, so those can go into extra bars I don't use all that often. But still, that's a lot. I like it ok. It's a nice break to group and get experience and level instead of doing the same dozen things over and over. Plus, it's something I've always considered because it seems that tanks and healers are the two most recent classes. (Not to mention I started MMOG gaming back in the day as Cleric, which is a healer.) So, after I get to max, when I'm on my main if there is someone else who can tank I could flip over to my healer if it's necessary.

I do really pretty much prefer gaming on my little netbook now. Don't get me wrong, framerate is totally unplayable poo most of the time hovering between 5-10 FPS, but the fact that it's my system, with my resolution settings, my UI settings, my chat settings, all easily remembered or copied between characters; it all makes a huge difference when you are playing on your own system which is familiar and set up exactly how you want. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting more picky as I age and more easily distracted.

Well, it's fun and I'm very glad I have my gaming again. As always, it would be nice if it were closer to what I'd have in a home, but for the time being it is enough.

Day 417 - 8/22 - Birthday day 3; movie night

It's nearing 1:30 and I'm starving. I was listening to the BlizzCon stream and they were saying too many interesting things and I couldn't leave to eat for fear of missing something. I guess, while super cool this year, next year will be the one not to miss. Diablo 3 and Starcraft 2 have playable bits at the con, as well as the newely announced WoW expansion Cataclysm. But there was no news about the next MMO, so it seems next year will be where all the pre-launch hype will be for those three titles.

Hopefully by next year I'll be re-established in a home and have the extra monies to go to the con; better still that I'm re-established soon and can do a new system build late this year / early next in order to play all the new games on.

It still amazes me that it's been a year already with effectively no movement. I have finally taken the CBEST and I feel very confident about that, so that may be a step forward. I do have a touch more income and now don't have to worry about food and can spare a bit for fun stuff, so I don't go completely crazy. I do have (at least) a netbook so I can connect quickly to the web and get/do my job searching.

Yet as I make these small steps forward I seem to still be slipping further and further away from recovery. The job postings have almost completely stopped. My search agents now send me about two listings per email where, once upon a time, it was closer to 40+. Every few days I seem to hear about tightening down, either from a person or a person talking about their workplace. My system and stuff sit in the garage becoming more outdated and unused day by day.

At times my life feels like I'm swimming against a current, and while I am moving forward it is at such an incredibly slow rate that I'll never get to shore, let alone to the dock to board that luxury cruise yaht everyone seems to be boarding. Where is Julie the cruise director to throw you a line when you need her?

Time passes

It's later than I thought that my night would end at some time past 11. I didn't get ice cream because the night took an unexpected turn. I went by the ex-house to drop my bags that I carry everywhere into the ex-garage for safe keeping while I was at the movie and I heard my friend/ex-roomie peek around the corner of the back yard. Her boyfriend that hates me was out so we hung out and talked about the changes the WoW expansion will bring for a bit. I haven't seen her in I don't know how long, well not counting recent visits where I'm playing wirelessly where we just bump into one another. She gave me a b-day present of tickets to get in to see movies and a drink, so I got to see the movie for teh free, woot. It did delay which showing I saw though, which is fine. And, it was longer than I guessed it would have been, so it wasn't done until later than I expected. Not that it really matters, I've nothing else to do most days as the things I need to do are often done quickly in the mornings.

A pretty decent continuing b-day day all things considered. Oh, one of her kitties said hi to me too. He always peeks at me and stuff when I'm near by. He came close and said 'merawr?', so I picked him up and held him in my arms for a bit. I'm sad my kitten pictures didn't come out. The first time I saw the kitties they weren't much bigger than my whole hand from nose to tail. Tonight his body, not counting tail, was longer than all the way across my chest. His head and front paws were flopped over my left arm while I held as much of him as I could on his middle and back with my right arm. They are some kind of crazy cat/racoon hybrid, so they are way bigger than regular cats. (But they look like regular cats, just way bigger.)

And that's my day. Now I sit in my car writing in the dark hoping that noone distrubs me. I think back on my day thinking about the 25,000 some people who had fun at BlizzCon, many of whom packed up and headed home tonight, thinking about what my friend/ex-roomie may be doing now, thinking about the people who work at the shop where I connect wirelessly from, wondering what they are doing; are they with their sweeties? Are they sleeping? Did they have fun today? And while my life is certainly better this year compared to last I still can't help but wonder what all the people 'with normal lives' did today, how differently my day/night would have gone if I had a home, a sweetie, friends.

While my life is not so terrible I still wonder and wish... maybe I always will.

Day 418 - 8/23 - Birthday bit, the last

It's nearing 1:45 on a slow Sunday. I'm ok, but a bit tired. Being in Starbucks always makes me tired what with all the hustle and bussle of the people and the constant (slow) music.

I've been playing wirelessly for I guess about four hours now. I got a compliment on my chart that I made for gem crafting. I tried to watch some of the BlizzCon footage I missed, but the connection was horrible and it kept resetting. I'm not sure how long the footage will be available, but I'm sure it will be up long enough to see all the interesting bits.

I think the healthy drink experiment was indeed part of the reason for my slow down. Since I've basically stopped entirely over the past few days my energy, focus, and alertness levels have returned to (homeless) normal. Again, I'm sure it would almost be the opposite if I were in a home getting real rest and real meals, but while I'm homeless it seems the cafeen is almost critical now in helping maintain regular energy levels. This may be partly due to the dumb camper still being there making me feel insecure and causing poor sleep.

Can't think of what else to say. Guess that's all for now.

Time passes

It's just past 8:15. I just had dinner and I'm outside of where I'm going to get a single serving ice cream. I'm going to wait a bit though to let dinner settle first.

I felt so terribly alone today. Even though I got the email appriciating my work on the gem chart, even though there are posts on boards and PM messages thanking me and praising my hardware site, even though I know there are those out there who care about and maybe even love me, I feel so very alone. It seems odd because I know I'm not; and I'm surrounded constantly by people all day. Yet oddly I'd love nothing more than to be able to go into a room and close the door to have some quiet private time.

Maybe it isn't that I feel alone so much as isolated and disconnected from everything. I have no job prospects. I have no love prospects. I have no new friend prospects. I spend my game time alone because I have to (though I do group in my alt bod). I go to see movies alone. I eat alone. I'm spending the majority of my time in one place, yet noone really talks to me or knows me.

I guess it's just one of those times lately where I feel like I am in the world yet apart from it - the outsider not really welcomed to join.

Day 419 - 8/24 - Smooshed

It's nearing 11 at aquatics mini work. I'm having lunch 'cuase I'm super hungry. I slept ok I suppose, but my parts are being smooshed. A few days ago I guess I smashed my lip on the pillow. It's a bit swollen/cut. I've smooshed my left eye a bit and it's been blurry the past few mornings for about 5 minutes after I've woken up. And last night I think I smooshed my left knee a bit.

I played wirelessly for about an hour this morning and made a few board posts, but that's really all that's gone on so far. After work I'll do my laundry and drop off some monies dad sent for my b-day at the bank.

I guess middle school started back up recently and high school starts today. That would be pretty fun. A new start again; Possibilities for a sweetie, new friends, new classes, reunions with old friends, never the same thing twice. If I ever make it to being a teacher I'll have that refresh / change every semester / quarter / whatever. I'd go completely crazy in a static job that never changed.

I suppose I'm thankful/grateful to have enough hours to maintain minimal life and a teeny bit of fun, but it still seems so sad and odd to see everyone else coming, going, and progressing in life while I seem to not get anywhere. Is that how it really is, or is everyone just affraid to talk about how, even though they appear to be fine, they are, in fact, just barely hanging on?

Time passes

It's just past 8:45. I had a much more expensive dinner than I was originally planning. It's ok though, as I decided to try out a fast food place I've never eaten at before. It was pretty good, but more expensive than most fast food places.

I've been just sitting in my car for about 1/2 hour, kind of like the old days, just staring off into space. It's nice though. I get so little alone time lately. I think I've lost a good deal of that because of the camper being in my sleeping area. I was going in as early as 9, but ever since the camper has been there I've been too affraid to pull in much before 11. I've lost a lot of alone time this past, what, month or so due to that.

It's become freezing cold again. It was super cold this morning, got really nice and warm briefly during this afternoon, then got cold again starting around 4. Now, as I did last night, I've got two shirt layers on and my hoodie.

I don't know why, but all my sad lately makes me feel like life is more about hanging on to things than it is about being an adventure. Places want to old on to customers. Consumers want to hold on to their hobbies. Companies want to hold on to customers, so they change products, which causes customers to change. When I was young it seemed like such an adventure, everything new and wonderful. I couldn't wait for something new to come along. Lately it seems like my lack of money has stopped the adventure. I'm seeing the world now as a means to just get these few pennies out of people, and that things weren't done out of pleasure of doing them, but to help people hang on and get that one penny more.

I hate that thought. I hate these feelings. While it may be socalistic or Star Trek of me to think this way, it would be really nice to live in a world where everyone could do the job they wanted for the love of doing that job well and people appriciating their work for it. I know it likely won't happen, even if we account for the nearly 50 remaining years of my life - at least not without a revolutionary inexhaustable power source, meeting an alien race, or a zombie appocalypse.

But to live where people did what they wanted and contributed because they loved what they were doing; there is where I want to live.

Day 420 - 8/25 - Week +1

It's right around 12:30. Gonna have lunch after the high schoolers are done with their lunch raid. Every weekday around now they come over from the high school and raid this little shopping center for foods.

Today started out super cold again, again seeming like rain, but now it's warmed up pretty good.

Checked job boards this morning; as expected, nothing. I checked a few of my fun boards, but not all. I played for a bit, but they had to shut the game server down; something about maintenance to clean up the maintenance they did, hehe.

That's really it for my day. I've got salad/pizza tonight and posting this week's fail, but so far that's all that has really happened. There was this really beautiful girl in the shop reading one of those 'required reading authors' - made me feel silly and dumb since my bla bla will very likely never be a 'must read' on anyone's list. (My site may, but probably not my "books" that I write.) I guess what is really important is how you feel about what you are doing more than how others feel or the recognition you do or do not get for that.

Maybe more later; that's all for now.

Time passes

I'm early for all I can eat salad/pizza nom. I'm so totally starving. I've been hungry a lot lately. I think it's because I have this cold.

Today someone from the Starbucks waved at me when I was in my car having lunch. It was a guy's sort of 'hey, how's it going' kind of wave, but I know he wasn't just pretend being friendly as he was about 25' from me. Noone from the shop has said 'hey, let's hang out and be friends' or anything, but it's nice to know that I'm not totally viewed as unwelcome or an outsider for being there all the time. There's a super cute girl there too that I've very lightly been flirting with, though she doesn't flirt back. Days like today she had to get up at 4 and I can tell when she's sleepy, and other times I've seen her work the night shift then be there in the morning the next day, so we've talked about that before.

I guess that's really it for the week. I did my job searching for the day, did lots of playing, and that's really all there is for me (until dinner). Life is a bit slower at the moment with ~18 hours of work a week at a regular time, a car that's basically working, and a system I can regularly connect with. While I miss the money I would/should be getting with full-time hours life isn't intollerable at the moment. It's ok and I have time to myself to play my game, think about stuff, and if I can muster the focus ponder life or make advances with my site.

That's probably it for the week. Week +1.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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