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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 85

Day 589 - 2/10 - No valentines

It's just past 5:15 and I'm nomming dinner before class. I got a slice of pizza with the gift card from the super boss. Without it I'd have had no dinner. I haven't had much else to eat today, just about a handful of food. The odd thing is that I haven't really been hungry. I don't know if it's just an odd sort of thing or a product of my having no food and no money to buy food until tomorrow.

I spent the day with the not-sis and her family. I woke up at around 9 feeling pretty well rested but very chilly. They got up shortly after me and we went to an appointment they had at 10. That kept people busy for a bit and I didn't get them back to their home until about 1. Mostly I just surfed news and game sites the rest of the day as they were in and out doing stuff. The older child was getting into Buck Rogers when I left, so I watched a few episodes of that with them.

That was really my day. No tax refund money yet. I get paid tomorrow, so I can buy stuff and be ok again then. I'll keep DMV stuff on hold for the tax money though. No job news or anything of that nature. I'll be leaving the cafeteria within the next 1/2 hour or so to go to class but that's really the only other thing happening tonight.

It seems odd there are no Valentine’s Day things going on here at campus this year; odder still that after 10 years of giving out valentines to girls at school that there isn't anyone I feel I need to do that for this year. Even if I did want to though I have had no money to do it with. I certainly haven't given up on love or the hope of finding a sweetie but it does seem rarer and rarer that an attractive girl is near me to approach in any way.

Well, I'll have money again soon so I'm sure the following days will be at least slightly more interesting to read about.

Day 590 - 2/11 - Still no return

It's about 2:45, time to nom lunch; so hungry a me. I didn't get my tax return money yet but I did get my paycheck money. I have enough that I paid off my overdue and current phone bill, will go pick up Little Big Planet for this weekend in a bit, get Wipeout HD this weekend, and have enough for a bit of food and gas. I won't have enough to pay any of the DMV related fees though. Those will have to wait until I get my tax return money. The estimate was for Friday, so hopefully I'll get it tomorrow.

I didn't get up until 11, so I haven't done much besides watch a few shows so far. My eyes can't see for poop past 3' now. They most certainly changed prescriptions lately. Thankfully once my tax return money comes I can set up my yearly checkup and check that and get new contacts.

Tomorrow (morning) will be rough with school closed. I should be ok if I can sleep in a bit at the sleeping spot, as I can just go to a store I'm going to shop at after and be waiting for 1/2 hour or so before it opens. While odd it wouldn't be super suspicious. After that I'll get my smog done if I have my money and spend the rest of my day at the mall until 4 when I need to do getting ready for work stuff.

I guess that's it for today so far. It hasn't rained today - it's actually pretty sunny - nor did it rain yesterday. Things may finally be moving towards warm times again.

Bye for now.

Time passes

It's 9:45 at night and I feel pretty good, but sad. I did look for jobs but didn't do any school work, which I really kind of need to. Because I can't afford more than the one assignment book I got so far I really am unable to do any studying unless the professors added books to the library since my last check.

I guess I'm mostly sad about not having money yet - leaving my life out of control. Though, even if I did, with $200 for my eye exam and $150 for the DMV stuff the money will rapidly disappear. After a few nice fun items it's almost completely gone again and my life will once more be out of my control.

I was kind of surprised tonight. Because I wanted to get the game for the kids as soon as I could I went to the local game store. I think it's been maybe a year since I've been there (though I may have gotten a time card about 6 months ago.) I saw the shop keep that I usually see there and the manager. I didn't really feel it when I was there, but as I was leaving I felt happy for them. Happy that they still have their jobs and that they seem relatively happy and well. So many people are having a tough time lately that it was good to see shop keeps I know being seemingly ok. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, probably not many know their shop keeps at their local stores, but I have always cared about the ones I see regularly (who seem nice.) To me they are more than just an inventory screen with a face. Even when I was young I did. I still remember the names of the video game store clerks when I was 12. Maybe it's because I've always been curious about others and wondered how they are doing. Maybe that's part of why people don't seem interested in being my friend - I'm too friendly to start off and I scare them. What a strange thought if that were true.

Well, that's all for tonight most likely, almost time to "go to bed".

Day 591 - 2/12 - No charge cable?

It's evening at mini work. I finally got my tax refund monies. I spent quite a bit of it today, but I decided to keep DMV stuff on hold until Monday. It would have been out of my way to go, so I figured I'd just wait since it is only a few blocks from work. Hopefully there won't be too many doing it with it being a Holliday on Monday.

I got a dual shock controller (my first for the PS3 as I only had one of the old-school types since I got my system at launch before the dual shock existed for PS3.) I'm shocked that there wasn't a cable in there to charge the controller with. Seriously?! $45 for the controller and I don't get a cable that would cost them $1-3 so that I could charge it? That's as lame as paying $300 for the system and not including an HDMI cable (which most are $6-12 retail, so it can't be that much for a large company to buy in bulk.) I'll get some downloaded stuff probably tomorrow for more fun.

Most of the money, over 2/3 of it, is being spent on bill stuff. Sad, but I guess it's good I could do that as I otherwise wouldn't have had the money.

Ah well. As always my life goes on, almost completely out of my control due to lack of money.

Day 592 - 2/13 - Mat underneath

Not much exciting today. I was at the not-sis' place all day hanging out with her and her kids. A couple of them were sick, so they went to bed early and I got to play Little Big Planet and Wipeout HD (without interruptions).

I had an idea to put one of the plastic mats under me, as in directly under me. It did keep me warmer, so that's a small improvement. I was hoping to find more at work to make a special one for that which was bigger than the ones I have, but there was none at work I could use.

Pretty good day. That's all.

Day 593 - 2/14 - Game ban for kids

Not much goin' on today. The kids are watching Kung Fu Panda and watched Speed Racer earlier. There is a current ban on games because they were doing too much fighting.

It's around 3 and I'm just hanging out. I'll probably play WoW and we'll probably watch more shows and stuff.

Allergies continue to lessen. I vacuumed the room I spend time in and that helped quite a bit (the mom really never cleans in terms of vacuuming/dusting/etc. all that often.)

Can't think of much else to say. Guess that's it for now.

Day 594 - 2/15 - Passed smog

It's just past 5:15 and I'm nomming an early dinner. For some reason I'm sooooo hungry. I got some cheaper fast food "to go" but I'm just having private time in my car. Really I'm just avoiding traffic as it will be super slow going towards the mall.

My car passed smog with flying colors, yeeeaaa. There was no wait. I drove right in. I had a feeling today would be slow what with the holiday.

I had a couple of items arrive for me today from my tax return fun; the PS3 controller charger and Death Race. I expect Who Wants To Be A Superhero will arrive tomorrow.

I got a collections letter too. It's like 'sorry, I don't have the thousands of dollars you want me to pay you.' Hum, this one isn't a big one, approximately $1500 owed and they are offering to settle for $900. A good deal, but I just don't have the spare $300 a month to meet their requirement. They get to receive a 'sorry, I'm working 8.25 hours a week and can't pay anyone anything' letter.

It's odd that the sun is going down and I haven't been online today yet. I started my day getting up at the not-sis' house just before leaving for work, went to work, did laundry, got the smog done, and now we are here. I expect nothing interesting will be found online though. I expect no job replies and I expect no job postings (due to the holiday).

I feel pretty good today, kind of like celebrating despite my rapidly disappearing bank account. (I'll have only about $100 of the $200 needed to do my eye exam after everything else has been paid. It seems nothing will be left to go to savings after all.) Maybe it's because the weekend and today were somewhat warm. I've actually got shorts on now - laundry day, heh - and I don't feel the need to put pants on or my hoodie quite yet.

I don't know why I feel like celebrating other than the warm weather. (I felt like this even before the test.) If I were getting more hours that would be something, or an interview, or a second job, or a better job, or won some money, anything. I guess it's just a good mood, which seems a rare thing for me these days. Even if I decided to I really have no celebrating money. I spent my 'spare' when I got my tax return. Even a small celebration, such as renting a movie, or a movie in a theater, or cupcakes, or dinner in a restaurant, would be more than I should spend. Well... hopefully soon I will be making more money and have cause and ability to celebrate. Until then I plod along, day by day, one day at a time.

Day 595 - 2/16 - Caught something

It's nearing 4:30 and I've been in the library working on the next batch of system recommendations. Not much interesting has really happened today. I slept in at the school sleeping spot until about 11, watched a few shows, paid my DMV registration, paid my car insurance, checked for jobs, and that's really it. Everything is finally paid and current, save for setting up my eye exam which I won't have money for until my next pay check, if not a bit later than that. (And the oil change I should have done a few hundred miles ago also still needs to be postponed. I still don't have money for that.)

I think I may have caught the not-sis' and her kid's cold. I've been coughing since last night, though mostly there is congestion in my lungs, throat, and nose. I don't feel too bad though. They had that plus fever, fatigue, and overall pains. As I've mentioned before I tend to not catch colds as bad as others, but they last a lot longer. I fully expect to have the cough and congestion throughout the week, particularly since I've already been having a hard time completely getting rid of my last cold.

Can't think of anything else to say really. I still feel pretty good overall, likely due to the weather becoming more spring-like lately. I did do a minor celebration last night and got myself a single serving apple fruit pie. That was pretty yummy. That's likely it for this week, as I have class in a few hours and nothing else of interest is likely to happen before then. Bye for this week.

Week 86

Day 596 - 2/17 - Fatigued

I'm so very tired; not for sleepiness really, but from fatigue. This cold just wears me down. I'm mostly just stuffy and fatigued now. I should be better soon. I'm pretty sad today too, but again I think that is due to the cold and not totally a mood depression.

It's early before class, just about 5:30 now. Not much happened today. I watched some shows, checked email, checked job/fun sites, ordered a book I need for class, made a Facebook page for rabb1t.com, and that's it really. Though with how few visits the blog page gets (and fewer still reading Epic Fail, heh) I don't know how active the Facebook page will be. I guess peeps can be fans if they want and chit chat (though they always could before via email.) It does provide a board-like forum without my needing to create / moderate my own. With needing to find full time work I just don't think I'd have the time to commit to moderating forums.

I'm set to go visit C&H next Monday so that should be fun. They are gonna feed me dinner and I'll addict them to True Blood.

I can't believe we are starting another week of fail and I'm still no closer to recovery than I was on day one. Feh.

Day 597 - 2/18 - My cough drops are not cough drops

It's just after 1:15, lunch time. My eyes are blurry for the moment, but I think I've narrowed it down to being caused by sitting at the school Macs for more than an hour. My only possible guess is the larger screen size + meh resolution + lower resolution videos is causing my eyes to blur in an attempt to compensate for the screen blurriness. Maybe I'll try pushing the screen back and leaving things at default resolution in the future or something. I don't have that problem with my other screens.

I discovered last night that my cough drops were not actual cough drops; they are 'supplemental drops'. I guess they are meant to be used along with actual cough drops which likely explains why sometimes they don't seem to work very well. I got some actual cough drops, but the flavor choice was bleh. I'm taking one with a supplemental one to make the flavor tolerable.

I'm pretty sad today. While it's likely that my cold is dragging me down quite a bit it is more likely that I'm just feeling like my life is stuck in its hell and nothing is changing. I check Facebook every day now to see what peeps are up to and many times they are posting things about how their life is moving forward, something silly, or talking about their families. Looking through friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends, as well as here on campus, I find really attractive and beautiful girls (who basically in every case would be inappropriate to approach.) It seems like my life in comparison is standing still, stagnant, and for the most part sad and alone. I suppose it's "fair". I grew up. I had my chances and opportunities in life. I had paths before me and I chose what I chose. Maybe I did make the wrong choices. Maybe it is too late and there is no recovery. Maybe I'm continuing to make the wrong choices or looking in the wrong places. All I know for sure today is that I'm not where I want to be in my career, I'm not where I want to be in a relationship as I've been single forever, and with only really three adult friends, and two children friends, who I see on any kind of regular basis I'm certainly not surrounded by love of friends and fun activities that I desire. Today I feel alone. I feel sad. And I feel like I may never recover, physically or emotionally.

Day 598 - 2/19 - No transitions or traditions

There are no transitions for me anymore. Sure, there are the seasons, and I am somewhat aware of their passing, but for a good 10 or more years now there has been nothing to mark these transitions. Gone are the holidays that are celebrated in fancy style. The only ones that remain are ones like Easter or Halloween. Yes, other times like birthdays or Xmas presents are exchanged, but gone is the tradition of making a big deal about it. There is no party. There is no placing of the presents somewhere to be seen weeks in advance. Gone are the play times, parties, and BBQs of summer. Gone are the chilly times of going out to movies in the fall. Gone are the movie nights of spring with hanging out with friends when it's warmer.

I have lost my traditions and transitions long ago and all that is left is a constant sense of being lost trying to find my way back to a life that allows me to stop; to stop looking for a job I'm happy enough with and that pays enough that I'm ok, to stop going to school in order to get that job, to stop doing all my chores for everything myself, to stop worrying about missing something fun and new, to stop worrying when I can do something fun and new that I will have people to share it with.

Long ago I lost the colors in my life and all I am left with is the gray of every color smashed together.

Day 599 - 2/20 - Superheros

It's 2:45 in the morning. I had a fun day today at the not-sis'. I got to play my console games for a bit in the morning, the kids played a bit in the afternoon, and during the evening we marathoned the first season of Who Wants To Be A Superhero, which as I expected they totally loved. After, the not-sis and I stayed up way too late watching Forgetting Sarah Marshal.

It rained a bit today. Hopefully it won't rain tonight, but I will probably have to sleep bent in half just in case.

That's all for today.

Day 600 - 2/21 - More superheros

It's too early in the morning at just past 9. Someone had an emergency so I'm covering for them at mini work. I suppose it's ok as I need more monies, but sad as this time is normally spent with the not-sis and her kids. I suppose it's ok, as one of the little ones is still pretty sick and the other is busy until 1, so I'm not going to miss too much time with them (or my console games) so to speak. I expect we'll marathon season two of Who Wants To Be a Superhero in the evening, but I've no idea what else we may do or watch (particularly since it's raining at the moment.) If there is time the little ones will likely want to play Little Big Planet, as they are very addicted to it. (Mostly they spend time messing around with making a level, so I don't usually have much spoiled in terms of seeing levels before I play them.

It's going to be a pretty boring shift. I didn't have time to stop to get a movie, but I suppose it doesn't matter as there were none to get that I haven't seen. And I haven't been able to afford school books this semester (save for mandatory form/syllabus types), so I can't do school stuff. I suppose I can work more on the first/final edit pass on Epic Fail book one. It is very slow going reading word for word and checking for grammar, but I'm working through it. Book two should be fine as-is and just need page setting, so when I get to that it should be a lot quicker.

I guess I'll go hop in the shower for a bit since it's slow at the moment. Bye for now.

Day 601 - 2/22 - C&H visit

It's laundry time at about 2:45. I'm not sure how interesting today's bla bla will be. I had mini work, now doin' laundry, then I'll have a bit over 1 hour until I go visit C&H. We'll probably have tons of lolz, but I likely won't be able to really write until tomorrow.

That's it for now. I'm so sleepy for some reason, could still be my cold. I'm still coughing a bit and too congested. I think I'll get a nose spray if I don't forget.

Day 602 - 2/23 - The dumb bookstore

It's just after 12:30 and I'm nomming lunch. It's totally packed in the cafeteria today as it's been pouring rain since about 10. Though parts of me are wet I've seen several beautiful girls today already , so that cheers me up.

I had a great time with C&H last night. We had a lot of lolz and I addicted them to True Blood. I slept over even though I'm allergic to their place. It's actually kind of silly that all the animals loved me. The second I walked in and sat down one doggy put their head in my lap for petting and the other offered me a toy. After a short while one of the kitties had come out and promptly sat on my lap for most of the night. The room I slept in has hardwood floors (their whole place does) and it is relatively furry animal free, so I wasn't so allergic that I couldn't sleep over. (Though my blankets do have a bit of fur on them now which may prove to be problematic.) I will probably see if we want to do a regular hangout / sleep over even though they are kind of expensive for me to visit (something like $7 in gas per trip.) I got to sleep inside on a bed-like thing in a private guest room, so that's huge for me these days. Plus, they have a full kitchen, so I could cook whatever I wanted for dinner (though they sort of celebrated and ordered Chinese food for dinner.)

Today I had an appointment to start work on a big school project. I had a really hard time doing it though because I really need a book that I ordered nearly a week ago. Apparently it still hasn't come in. I get the feeling from their questions that the book store may have held the order a few days, delaying the order. I muddled my way through today, but if it doesn't come later today or tomorrow morning it will be very difficult to work on the project. The assignment isn't due until next Wednesday night, so I do have a little leeway. (I could even work on it during my Friday night mink work shift if need be.)

That's it for my day so far. I haven't been online yet, so I'm off to do that now. Bye, maybe more later.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2010
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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