Week 67
Day 463 - 10/7 - Living in the fringe
Late lunch at just past 2. I'm sadder today than most days I suppose. It seems that as time goes on the more I'd hoped things would change the more they seem to be standing still unchanging. The things I planned to do as steps forward seem to not be helping. My life plan that I thought I'd laid out 10 years ago has not at all gone according to plan. And due to complete lack of money it would seem I'm unable to even consider some steps in order to redirect those original plans. While there are those around me who are friendly I seem unable to make any (new) real friends. It seems I'm stuck at the fringe, unable to truly enjoy new things like I normally would, not completely failing, but not really progressing forward at all, continually slipping further and further behind on everything.
Day 464 - 10/8 - Rabbit food for teh rabb1t
It's around 2:15. I'm playing in the mall. Well, trying to. The ping was fine until recently, but now it's horrible again.
I got a super healthy salad for lunch and dinner. I got chicken strips to tear up and put in there with it. It was pretty tasty. 
I suppose it's an ok day, but I'm still so sad that I have to go to various places to watch my shows, have all my stuff with me, lug all this food with me, worry about everything if I want to go to the bathroom without packing up all my stuff, etc. I suppose though it could still be worse. I don't know how I'd be managing without my car. 
I still has a sad, but I suppose things are ok for what they can be.
Time passes
It's about 8:30 now and my night is basically over. My evening went to poo. There has been someone calling a lot lately and I thought it was about school loans, so I picked up. Turns out it was a debt collector and he tried his stupid word twisting tactics and it got me all mad and sad and I was yelling at this guy for probably 10 minutes. I told him I was homeless and working 8.5 hours a week and at most I could afford $10, maybe $15 a month in payments. He said he'd take that to his boss, but there is really no way they will accept that. I guess it would be ok if they did. Although this paycheck I'll pretty much exactly break even at zero, I could maybe do one or two $15 a month payments to creditors if it was totally necessary. I don't know though, maybe I really would be better off looking at bankrupsy. With being unable to really pay creditors for about 2.5 years now that's a lot of the time the bankrupsy could have been cooling off had I done it right off the bat. I guess I can look at some books on it at the library next week if there are any. I think it dings your credit for 5-7 years, maybe more. So for someone... not so young anymore ... that could be fairly devistating if I did find a sweetie and we wanted to buy a home, or even just for me trying to get an apartment or credit line to pay for a used car.
Well, the sad times continue. Maybe this weekend I can relax a little and next week something happy will happen.
Day 465 - 10/9 - Plodding along
It's just past 8:45 at mini work. I had an ok day I suppose. I selpt ok until some dummy sat running their car for like 15 minutes, so that woke me up early at the school sleeping spot around 9:15. I went on campus and watched some shows. It was super quiet and calm on campus; Fridays always are. I may do studying in the future on Fridays because of that. I left around noon to go play wirelessly at the mall. I tried to play until around 4, but the connection was pretty bad again/still. And that was really my day. Nothing exciting or new or different has happened.
I continue to be sad about not being in an ok place in life. But I suppose with school and access to my shows and showers and having my netbook to play wirelessly things aren't terrible. But still, I'm sad because when everyone is out, in a sense I'm in. When everyone is leaving to go back to their sweeties, friends, and warm home I'm left out in the cold alone.
I checked my weight the other day and I'm bad but not super terrible at 188. I think I'll try and do some of the cheaper soups again with crackers. I know I can sort of afford to do the expensive soups regularly, but they are actually about 15-20% too much food for me (per meal). I think maybe that's a smaller part of my recent weight gain. Of course my getting terrible snacks don't help, but they do keep the best/longest. I'll try and cut those down a bit and see if I can go back to healthier type snacks. But, as always, portion control may be difficult as I can't do something like put away half of an apple. Sure, I can put it in a container, but that only helps so much without a fridge. I'll try to do my mini workout too. I've been forgetting to do it in my car and I really don't have anywhere else to do it since I need a flat surface.
A sad day among many. I seem to be doing worse than just about everyone around me, yet all I can do is keep trying the things I'm trying and plodding along day by day.
Day 466 - 10/10 - Swim meet, bycicles, and cars
Pretty early morning at 9. I moved to the school sleeping spot around 7 but there were a bunch of cars in the swap meet area, and in my sleeping area were a bunch of younglings for a sweim meet. I peeked over the balcony after parking one level higher than I normally park and saw cyclists gathered as well. It was quiet enough to sleep but I couldn't. At probably around 8:45 I "got out of bed", put the blankets away, and went to take a shower.
Back in the day I'd have been very thankful for an earlier start, despite being a touch sleepier. (Mostly my eyes feel sleepy.) I could have studied, done extra gaming, extra stuff on my site or who knows what. While I will get a few hours more than planned I can't study, as I don't have a peaceful (and private) environment to study in, nor the books, as they are both on super short loan timers. Plus, the (school) library is closed today. I can try and do some extra play but the mall connection has been fairly poor lately, limiting what I can do. Life isn't all bad though. I still have quite a bit more than last year.
I suppose part of why I'm so sad is that I don't just want to be somewhere with others, I want to be wanted. I want the people I like to like me and want me around. I don't want to feel like I'm pushing my way in for my gains, but I want to feel welcomed for what I have to offer. I suppose we all do - we all want to be the superstar. But I really don't think it needs to go that far. I think we simply want to feel a sense of belonging; not because we are a part in the machine, but because we are a special part, our part, and that while another part may replace us some day it would do so in a different way and that our way would be missed.
Day 467 - 10/11 - A tentative deal
It's just after 7. Things are closing down here at the mall. The area doesn't close in that it's an open area and the theater usually runs movies 'till midnight. So the stores are just all closed. It's actually pretty busy with peeps eating. A few shops are staying open late due to the crowd.
Another pesky creditor called yesterday. I have a tentative deal to buy them out at like $250 (of the $1k total I owe them). I'll have to research if that's a good idea or not though before committing. Yes, it's like 80-85% off what I owe, but if the others see I did that, if they could find out, the others I owe around 9k too could come after me with a vengance, so it may not be a good idea. I'll see if I can get ahold of free counseling tomorrow and see what they say. I'll also ask if they think I should do bankrupsy. It's not a good option, I know that, but with next to no income it's not like I could afford any kind of settlement plan. Without wiping what I owe clean I'd owe somewhere around $1100 a month if I were to be paying off student loans and doing a credit debt settlement. That wouldn't be out of the question if I were earning the $30-35k a year which is more average than not in my area (for an adult person with a few years experience), but being closer to 1/4 or 1/3 of that income level I just don't know how I'll ever get out of debt. I really think there should be job placement services in place at the school you go to that you borrow money from. It's like, um I accumulated about a $500 a month payment at this one school (in student loans). Since their degree hasn't helped me find a job the least they can do is let me continue to check their job boards for free until the debt is paid off. Anyways...
There were more swimmers this morning. I slept through the noise ok I guess. I kept sleeping until 10.
I played most of the day and had fun. I had a pretty good time, but I'm sad I'm not in a home. In a home I could have also done studying, taken a nice shower alone, played different games, maybe relaxed with some TV or a movie. I still may watch a $1 kiosk movie in the hours I have left "before bed", but I kind of want to do some school stuff and I can't due to lack of a quiet private place or books.
Speaking of different games... one of the cuties in my Tuesday class is a console gamer. 
One activity was to talk to other peeps, so I went over near her to see if she would talk to me. I don't know if she does a lot of gaming, she said she did Halo 3 'cause her brothers have it, but that's a something. Likely too young for me and has a guy, but there's an opening if she were interested and single. I saw a super beautiful girl at the store the other day too. I was bla-blaing with an old boss (I think one of only two I've ever actually liked) and there was a super beautiful girl getting flowers. She was thin, had short blond hair, tall, cute button nose, and cheek dimples. Her guy came up and started talking to her. I think she was Polish or Czech. My ex-sweetie is Polish.
Well... I think I'll go. While there are still plenty of people around now (at 7:30) I'm kind of tired of the bright lights, noise, and smells. Maybe on future Sundays I'll stay later, but now I need some alone time. Not like I ever really get alone time, but still.
Bye for now.
Day 468 - 10/12 - Deal or no deal?
It's "late" at just after 9:15 PM. My day is over. I suppose it was good enough. I slept ok until my phone alarm woke me up at just before 10 for mini work. The people on shift with me were nicer ones, so I had an ok time. (I'm so not looking forward to the manditory training from 12:30-2:30 on Saturday. It's like, seriously? Right in the middle of the weekend day?) After, I did laundry and played wirelessly. I had a craving, so I was bad and had a full fast food meal there, but it did allow me to play longer.
It's cold tonight, has been all day. There are rain clouds overhead. I'm thinking it may rain tonight. If it does I prey the leak really is fixed. Waking up to soaked sheets and wet feet in a puddle would not be cool - not to mention my just washed cloths being wet.
Tomorrow should be ok. I checked the greensheet and I only need to read like four pages of stuff; easy peasy. I'll spend most of my day catching up on shows. I do need to do an observation for that class, so hopefully I won't forget that.
While I was at mini work I went over my estimated pay and bills. There just isn't any way I can pay what bills and stuff I'm paying now and other creditor bills. I'm breaking even to zero, so by not taking on new bills I retain a few hundred in savings. By paying anything I'm negative cash. ... I was right. There is a very light sprinkle on the car as I'm writing this. ... So tomorrow I'll have to remember to tell that creditor, "Sorry, but no deal. I can't afford it." It's sad because paying people off would be nice, but there really is no way I can afford it with my current (lack of) income.
As always, my time here in the car - where it is as close to private time as I get - is nice, but sad. My ears are so tired from being smooshed by the headphones for a few hours, so tired from being assaulted by constant mall music. I wish so very much I was in a home, somewhere I could be warm and look outside to the night sprinkles, where I could watch TV gameshows quitely while I'm cooking dinner, eat a nice home cooked meal that isn't microwaved, and relax on my bed for a bit before falling fast asleep.
It all seems like such a strange dream now. My memories from long ago, old friends, old homes, old adventures, they are still with me. They are as strong and vivid as they ever were. But the new things, the current things, those memories tied to places or things I could have in a home, they no longer exist. As teh keyboard and mouse I've used for years seem so unfamiliar and foreign to me now, so too does a life in a home. While my things are visible in storage I haven't touched them in over a year. The thought of seeing them daily and interacting with them regularly seems so foreign, like a dream just as strange and confusing as any other I have these days.
Day 469 - 10/13 - The October storm
It's nearly 10:45 and I'm at the mall. Why not school you ask? Because it's storming outside. The rain is pouring. The wind is blowing. Tree parts are getting broken off. People's umbrellas are almost getting blown out of their hands. But most importantly school lost power around 10. When I got to the library I overheard a librarian on a phone talking about an estimate of over 2 hours. So, I decided to come to the mall and stay until it's time for my class. I'll leave around 4 to be sure I can get covered parking. I have what I need to study, so no worries there, but I'll have to buy a little something for lunch (since I don't have access to a micro.) I'm not sure what I'll do about dinner. While I could micro at school, if it's raining I'll have to walk all over campus. (Food is cross-campus from class.)
Well, what happens happens.
Oh, the leak is mostly better. After probably 3 hours of pouring rain last night there was maybe 1/8th cup in that section, so I don't have to worry too much.
That's it for now. Off I go to check job boards and have fun.
Time passes
It's later. I was wrong in my estimate. After driving around a bit the leak got worse. It is indeed as bad as it always was. I guess what they did didn't really fix it.
I had fun at the mall, got some quick groups. Unfortunately due to all of my moving around I really didn't get into a studying mood, nor did I check job boards. Well, it will be fine I'm sure. There are so few job postings I'm sure I won't miss anything by waiting until the morning. The leak is sad though, could keep raining for a few days. Well, more stuff going on that I can't control. No big surprise there.
Time passes
It's super late now, after 10:30 and I'm just now having dinner. I was so hungry I had one of those 'you haven't eaten' headaches.
I guess today was ok but I was unfocused all day. I was really focused before the power outage, but after I was completely off my game. I was all ready to study and progress, but then pbt, nothin'. I don't even know if I'll regain my focus before the weekend with how I feel currently. I think it's just one of those times where I was reminded how not normal my life is right now. With the croud outside the library people were talking about what they'd do instead of class, but me, that was it. Looking forward to my shows and time to study was the highlight of my day. When I saw there was no power, bam, that was the end of it. Where would I go? Where could I go? What would I do? How would I study? I thought of the public library, but my car would be in the open all day. I thought of all I could eat pizza lunch nom, but again the car would have been in the open during those hours. As with most of my life these days it wasn't what did I want to do, but what could I do.
Today is one of those days where I'm reminded of my life being a disaster and in crysis. If I were a counselor hearing the story of me I don't really know what I could do to help. Everything is a mess and there really is very little positive. Normally when you hang out with someone you talk about what's good and positive and things which are moving forward in their lives, but really I don't have that. Oh sure, I have my game. Like today I felt really good about my spec choices because there were several times during both good groups where I changed and each had it's tactical advantages or that I got a decent loot that I can use for my off off spec of DPS. But is it really a big picture thing? Not so much. It's one teeny baby step in one single game.
I wonder if maybe this is why I've had trouble finding friends - people look for something to help with but they don't know how to help me. Sure, they offer support and express concern or sometimes even a brotherly kind of love, but I wonder if some kind of sense of my being in a difficult spot is keeping people at bay. I don't know though. I've been without friends or a sweetie for 10 years now and in much of that time I was doing just fine in terms of emotional balance and having a place to stay and fun stuff to share with others.
I guess I'm ok over all, but as I was leaving campus, walking across and seeing not a single other person walking to their car, I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with me. Why was I the only one on campus walking to my car so late? Why am I one of only a small number taking classes because I'm not in a good place in a career? Why am I the only one not going to a home, where maybe a warmed dinner, sweetie, and recorded show is waiting for me? What is it I'm doing or did wrong to have this kind of karma?
I wonder and prey that noone else is having as hard of a time as me, and that my story will help to prevent it from happening to others. Love and care for those around you who you care about. Let them know. Noone should suffer and be sad.
Week 68
Day 470 - 10/14 - Nothing to say
My day is over. I'm still at school, but everything is closed. It's nearing 9:30, so I'll be leaving soon.
Nothing to say really. I slept in a bit, watched some shows, checked job boards, went to class, and that was really it.
Maybe tomorrow something interesting will happen.
Day 471 - 10/15 - A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away
Lunch time at around 12:30. I have such a headache today. I have been getting them lately. I think I may have yet another cold, as I've been congested and sleeping a lot as well (though I've had trouble getting to sleep.)
With thoughts of Halloween fun lately my days have become sadder than most. While I don't usually dress up I've always wanted a Jedi outfit. With excitement surrounding Star Wars The Old Republic building thoughts of the game and my Jedi-like life have filled my thoughts more and more. Not too long ago there was a lightsaber kit. Ubergeeks who always wanted to build their own lightsaber could do so. For a Jedi this is the last step in training. I've always wanted to do that and it made me realize that I have no toys with me - yet another piece of my life forced to be in storage. Oh sure, I have my netbook with games, but it isn't a toy. A toy - something that you play with which sparks creativity and imagination - is very different from a (video) game (system). While a toy can be a prop in a game, a game cannot be a toy on its own. A game has formal rules and restrictions. A toy is limitless.
Last Halloween I had Halloween Poose to give out candy, as I have had every year since I got him some 16 years before. This year, what would be his 18th birthday, he's locked away in storage and I can't get to him. I find myself very sad and missing my toys. Recently I've been considering getting a lightsaber kit so I could at least have that. But for me, maybe just due to my love of Star Wars, I don't know if I should. Constructing my own lightsaber will have a lot of meaning for me. While the manner or place where I get it will be unimportant the location and ways I construct it will be. While it would be done while I'm homeless (if I do it anytime soon) I don't want to remember I did it in such-n-such place while homeless because it was the only place I could. I'll have to think about it more, but no good places to build it immedately come to mind.
Children (and grown ups) not having toys or a place to play makes me feel like crying. Once upon a time one Xmas I did. I thought of all the children who had no toys, nowhere to play, and sad home life, and I cried. I packed up a big box of stuffies I had and some board games and took it to a donation place. I am without my toys now, but I know I will see them again. I can certainly get a lightsaber kit. But playing with it, the having it, means so very much more than a person may think.
Day 472 - 10/16 - "I see you have constructed your own lightsaber."
It's nearing 6 at mini work; eating and watching my Friday movie soon.
I decided to go ahead and construct my own lightsaber last night. It was pretty expensive all things considered, but worth it for the happy. (I should get gift money from dad for the holidays soon, so I'll be ok on monies.) After opening the box I pondered the parts for a while. As part of the training I did not look at the directions. I made it in a way which is more basic than it could be. There are four sections and I only used two of them, the other two I left empty (the base has some designed look to it.) It has a size, shape, and weight I'm very happy with. For the curious I picked a green blade color. (In Star Wars lore this means I'm more of a judge or negotiator type person.) Although I won't be actually fighting with it, the blade is exactly the length I would have chosen (a few inches longer than my arm from fingertip to shoulder.) Having done fencing and other swordplay before I know a little something about weight, balance, and length of swords that are good for my style. It seems so silly, but it means a lot to me and I'll hold onto it until after Halloween (then put it into storage). Until then I will be carrying it around in my bag with me everywhere. I decided to construct it at a school I used to play at. I mentioned the Nerf Wars before and this was the school we used to use. I figured that in all of my adult life that's really the only place I could still go to that had happy memorys/times attached to it.
That's really all that's new today besides doing an observation I had to do for class. Bye for now.
Day 473 - 10/17 - My poor ankle
It's late in the evening at about 9:45. My day is basically over. I'm having some quiet time in my car while I eat (late) dinner.
I suppose I had an ok day all in all. I got up just after 9, took a shower, then went to play at the mall for a short while before my manditory training at mini work. Half way through the training I was let out early, so I went to the store to get food, and I dropped off the first set of pictures (for book two) for developing. After I went back to play at the mall.
I spent the bulk of the day online playing. I was chatting with my online friend most of that time. It's odd that she's the third friend (in a couple) that I've been chatting with. The first couple I'd met way back in the day in December when I got that free month of play. During that first break between January and around April when I couldn't afford to play I kind of lost touch with them. I saw them a few times after, but that's been it. The secound couple I met and did a lot of raids with. They were the ones I followed into the guild. I saw them only a few times after the falling out and now I can't even remember the last time I've seen them, probably been a few months. This most recent couple I see the girl every day (that I'm on), we chat quite a bit, and her boy is probably in every few days (when I'm on). I think I met them about four months ago?
That seems to be the nature of online gaming though. You make friends with people, you play together for a while, they get bored or max gear, and they move on. At least that's how it is with me. I don't know if it's because I play games more/longer than others or what.
My poor ankle is more noticibly swollen and messed up looking. I think all this walking has aggrivated my age old injury. I'll try and remember to see if I can hook myself up with an appointment on Monday at the free clinic someone told me about. Supposedly they should be able to hook me up with a free diagnosis and x-rays if needed. I'm guessing they will need to in order to be sure the stuff causing the messed up area is indeed cartlige or incorrect bone growth (or I guess re-growth). I still have full function and all, but I notice it... pressing against parts... in certain positions. It's not painful, but it's most certainly a 'hum, that's definately not right,' kind of thing.
I should have done school stuff today. I'm sad about that. I should just go to the public library and just do it, but I know me, and I know the public library. I just wouldn't be able to focus with that noise and those people. School at least has desks with like study blinders blocking the view of people nearby. Back in the day I'd have easily mixed my day with study, play, and relaxing with a movie.
It's not all bad, but I'm so very tired of being out in public all the time; So tired of the mental disruption, the bombarding of my senses, and the lack of control. Sometimes I think maybe I should spend more time in my car just to get some private time, but unfortunately the only place that really comes close to working is in the sleeping spot at the church. And, of course, once I'm there I'd have to be in stealth mode. So even though my mind may slow, calm, and become focused enough to study, do papers, do reading, or whatever other school thing I need, I lack the resources to do that (books, etc.) or I can't due to needing to stay stealthed.
Someday soon I'll hopefully get re-established. Someday soon I'll hopefully only be out in public spaces when I want to be. Someday soon I'll hopefully consider fast food and pizza a rare treat instead of something necessary if I want to eat solid food. For now I am still spinning out of control at the mercy of the world around me.
Day 474 - 10/18 - Unseen in plain sight
My day is over. It's just past 8:15 and I'm killing time in my car before bed. My dinner last night didn't agree with my tummy, so I ate healthier today. I had 1/3 of a salad with chicken - only 1/3 because I thought it had probably gone bad and tossed the rest to be safe. I picked up some bread, a couple of apples, and a couple of oranges. I had an orange earlier, drank lemonaid, and may have another snack before bed.
I suppose I had an ok enough time. As I said way back in the day if I could find a connection to play from and got ok speeds that's what I'd do. It certainly seems passable at the mall, so I've settled in to a pattern of playing pretty much all day on Saturday and Sunday. There are still so many things I can't do, and due to the hardware limitations WoW is just about the only game I can play; but at least it's something.
I'm sad though. I'm always sad these days. I had a feeling my friend/ex-roomie was going to call to hang out and watch a something or two with her, but I guess not. It doesn't surprise me, as her boyfriend hates me and it was basically a year before we really did hang out. (There was that one day a few months after I left then a long period of nothing.)
It "smells like rain". I just put my trench away last night but it feels like I should go get it again. It wouldn't surprise me if it rained tomorrow or Tuesday.
I couldn't sleep hardly at all last night; no clue why. I just lay there "in bed" and couldn't sleep. It was after 2:30 AM before I finally fell asleep and after moving to the school sleeping spot I got up early for some reason at 8:45. I'd be lucky if I got 6 hours of sleep total. I'm exhausted.
While my days pass quickly now, and they are more often fun than they are not (compared to pre-notebook), I'm still so very sad all the time. I'm lonely, confused, cold, and hungry (for real food). I still don't know what I did (karmically) wrong or what I'm doing wrong now. I checked job boards today, and as expected there were no posts. The last four applications I sent out over the past month or so have gotten zero reply. They basically never get a reply. I smell and look ok. None of the students treat me different or have any clue that I'm homeless or without a (real) job. Yet I continue to be an outsider in all things. While I seem very normal and regular there really isn't anything regular about me. I suppose there never was. I have always been just askew, off in the shadows, never really seen, understood, acknowledged, or truly welcomed.
Day 475 - 10/19 - Another sad Monday
It's laundry time at just about 2. I like doing laundry on weekdays. It's usually pretty quiet. I'm the only one here now and I got to watch some Jerry Springer and Steve Wilkos for teh lawlz.
I just tried for a free appointment two minutes before they were supposed to take appointments and they are full. I guess I'll try again next week.
I snuck in time to work on my assignment for school at mini work and I actually finished it. So, yeeeaaa, that's done. I still have another due, reading to do, and anything new for this week. So, I've got other stuff to busy myself with but I'll probably just go have fun for the rest of today. Tuesday and Wednesday should be plenty of time for that.
That's it so far. I'm soooo tired even though I got like 10+ hours of sleep. (Interupted by someone who thought it was a good idea to do skate tricks at the church at 1 AM.) It sprinkled this morning, but it's not raining now.
Maybe more bla bla later.
Time passes
I'm killing a bit of time before going off to sleep. I rapidly became depressed when I got my pictures and found out that, despite my clearly writing on teh envelope, they were not the highest res possible. Again these were less than 1/3 of the maximum size. I'd have to stretch the image to get 1080 compatibility.
I just didn't feel like playing after that. I did for a bit, but it too let me down by dropping me every 15-20 minutes and having horrible ping. I realize now that it wasn't that I didn't want to play but I didn't want to play under those conditions. I'd love nothing more tonight to be in my old room with my stuff set up. I'd have the blinds open, maybe even the window (while running a half a dozen candles) and I'd play my game for a few hours, then do some school stuff before flopping in to bed.
I don't know why I'm meant to have so much trouble or why my struggle has been going on so long. I just hope signs like the friendly daughter (somewhere around 7 to 8 years old I'd guess) and her mom who I giggled at her daughter with and chatted about talk shows for a few minutes is a sign from Fate that I am being moved where and when I should be. I made them both smile and laugh and had I not been there that wouldn't have happened. I have to believe my suffering serves a purpose - be that to tell my sad story or just to make a little girl smile for a few minutes.
Day 476 - 10/20 - Another sad Tuesday
It's another sad Tuesday. I haven't been at all motivated to do school stuff today, which is sad, but ok as only a small bit of reading is due. I've done similar readings in at least three other classes, so I'm sure I'll be fine.
I'm having an early dinner because I'm starving and I don't want to wait until 9 to eat.
It was pouring yesterday but today it's back to clear skies.
Noone at the photo place can figure out how to get the pictures higher res. The 'expert' is out until like Saturday, so I won't be able to get higher res versions until then - if I can at all. I may indeed have to consider getting a digital camera instead of disposables. It would allow me to control my resolution and I could sell it to recover some money later when I no longer need it. I'll have to research more as even $100 would take nearly half of my savings.
I'm beginning to wonder how many people actually form strong and close friendships with people beyond college. It seems that of everyone I've known college age really seems to be a cutoff. Of course I've not made any friendships since then, but it seems when I hear people talking about friends they always trace back to a long time ago. I've never really found anyone who said, 'this is my very good friend, we met when I was 33' (or whatever age). I suppose it could happen through marriage, but it seems outside of that social circles really are rare to form or add new members. It would be interesting to research, but I suppose without data I'm just rambling.
I suppose it's just another sad ending for a sad day in sad times for me. My life could be so much better, but I suppose it could still be worsse. I still seem to be stuck in the middle. Hopefully as Halloween fun starts the next few weeks will be a bit more interesting/fun.
