PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 75

Day 519 - 12/2 - The dream girl

Today I am happy. Why, you ask. Because today I have love. This morning while in the school sleeping spot I dreamt about a girl. She was a beautiful young redhead. I don't recall why I met her in the dream but it was love at first sight. She fell in love with me too and knew I was... older. She was just visiting though. She lived a few states over. But, during the dream I visited her twice. (We were together the majority of the dream time.) When we weren't together we chatted through a device she gave me - something closer to a high-tech wristband thing than a video hpone that's out today. She played my game with me, but she was on a different server. She was a super casual player and she only played for a few hours on Saturdays. But I was happy, loved, and in love. Very rarely do I actually feel in a dream, and when I do it is typically negative emotions; fear, sadness, loss, helplessnes, failure, etc. Not only did I feel wholy and truly happy and in love in the dream, the memories and feelings of my dream girl, called Amy in the dream, lasts even now at nearly 1 in the afternoon. Currently I could give a physical description of her - roughly 5'7", I'd guess around 125-135 lbs., red (copperish) wavy hair parted above her right eye which floped a bit over her eyes and went to the bottom of her shoulder blades, just a touch of freckles on her nose near her cheecks - and I can describe the way she moved, her smile at seeing me, her laugh, and compare my love with her to others I've had before.

I am loved and not loved. The love and image of Amy could some day be real - no doubt created from what I have already felt and experienced in the past and could very well have again in the future. But it was just a dream. It was not real in the sense that it was just imagination and memory. But, it reminds me that I can feel that way still. I am not so broken that I can't experience love anymnore despite that I often feel that way due to being single for so long.

How long will the feelings and memories last? I'm not sure. I think through the day, maybe the week. At some point it will fade and my sadness will return. But, for now, I feel loved.

Day 520 - 12/3 - 80 again

It's just past 9:45. I'm sad and having a snack in my car. I think my sad is an accumulation of several events. Last night I got a paper back from a professor expressing her concern about my situation and asked if she could help. I thought and thought and there isn't really any way that anyone can help unless they can give me or help me find a job or have a place for me to stay. Yes, donation and gift money helps too in that I can buy food or small gifts to help me not go super crazy, but I really need a solid way out. I was looking through job postings today and almost cried. I am so tired of looking through postings. I want to have a decent job, with decent pay, decent hours, and benefits, just like most of everyone else in the (higher tech) world. I don't want to need to be looking for a job.

I do still feel happy and loved by the dream girl, but for the moment that is overshadowed by my sadness that none of my changes seem to be helping. Time continues to tick on and I feel further and further from any kind of goal.

Besides that I had a pretty good day. I played basically all day. It's been a while since I had an uninterupted play day. My Priest hit 80 and I guess I'm a bit sad about that too. When I started that character back in early September I really thought I'd be finishing those levels in a home on a nice new much more powerful system (than my current desktop in storage). But, that doesn't seem to be the case. Here we are three months later and I'm no closer to finding a home, or even a new job. Network stability continues to be up though. I didn't disconnect once all day and my lag was almost completely nonexistent.

There was one other incindent though. I went on a raid with 25 peeps and we failed kinda bad. Some people were blaming me (I didn't know the encounter) and left with no goodbye. The raid quickly fell apart because of their lack of patients and hot temper. So we did a couple of times; big deal. You explain the encounter to me, which takes all of maybe 30 seconds for each of four bosses and we move on. Upon looking at my calandar I see that the encounter unlocks tomorrow. So these guys got all upset and blamed me for something that's not my fault, yell at me, break out of the group, all over something they could have tried again and can try again with a different group of people tomorrow? I just don't get it. What's the rush? Why don't people slow down and talk to one another? This current attitude of 'hurry hurry hurry, oops we died once so I'm going to give up' is really puzzling, disheartening, and confusing.

I have a short paycheck this time due to the turkey weekend Holliday. Things will be tight but I should be ok. I got some added hours Tuesday and this Sunday, so those will make up for a bit that I'll lose for Xmas and New Years.

Guess that's really all the news today. It's nearly time for "bed". 'Night peeps.

Day 521 - 12/4 - Poop talker

At mini work. I'm sooooo hungry. I was at the store chosing a micro dinner and I was like 'I could nom that, I could nom that, I could nom that...'. My tummy wanted just about everything.

I was bad and didn't do any school stuff today... oh poo, I forgot I was going to get studying stuff ready for a final while I was here. I'll have to do that later. Though late I could also get it ready Sunday if need be. Mostly I can't do school assignments though because I lack access to kids. I'll have to figure something out to do at the mall or something over the weekend.

I had a pretty good day today I guess. There was one poop talker though. He has the distinciton of being one of like four groups ever in the entire 10 years I've been doing MMOGs that I left the group with no goodbyes mid-dungeon. He was giving me poop saying, 'you should just stand there and heal me, nothing else. Don't DPS at all.' It's like I'm sorry but a five person run is about balance. You weigh the incoming damage against the outgoing and heal as needed. Since we were doing something that was timed and needed to rush I was helping to do damage between heals to keep us moving fast. If he's going to insult me and tell me how to play my character one specific way when you can do it several ways, sorry I don't stand for that. Had he asked me nicely, had he expressed an opinion on tactics and strategy... things probably would have been fine. But telling me to effectively be his personal healbot and do nothing else... unacceptable. I got to laugh at him later though. Within five minutes of my leaving he was putting out a call for a DPS person saying they were at the first boss. About 10 minutes later he puts out a different call saying they were at the second boss. So, not only did he insult me enough for me to say it's not worth it and leave the group, but two others as well.

That's it for today. Gonna nom dinner and watch some movies. Bye for now.

Day 522 - 12/5 - A little Xmas

It's 9:45 at night and my day is mostly over. I had a good time playing all day today. There were a few sad lag points, but overall I played without trouble.

I got a card and monies from dad. I guess he sent it early because he only gets money once a month. It's a fair amount, enough to do stuff with. It solves my problem of where will I get money to pay for classes and a parking sticker. I'll also order the new Star Trek and Repo! The Genetic Opera so that I can have at least a little Xmas for myself. I'll get my friend/ex-roomie a little something. Though she doesn't invite me over all that often - it seems like once every six months. I'm sure that mostly has to do with her boyfriend hating me. Maybe once I get re-established and take my stuff out of their garage and can start paying them back a little something he will stop hating me so much. (Though I don't have a lot of stuff in their garage. I'd guess maybe 6'x3'x6' worth of stuff.) I'm sure he won't ever hang out with me again, but maybe I can come over and hang with my friend/ex-roomie and he'll go in the other room or go away. Plus, I really don't want her to have a sad Holliday. Her boyfriend is completely inept at gift giving and really doesn't do, or didn't even try to do them, when I was there. It's very sad to think of a relationship where you aren't sharing and celebrating. Yeah, gifts aren't necessary, but I think they are an extra nice surprise.

I think I just saw a bit of drama go down here. Someone drove up one side of the lot, stopped the car, got out of the driver's side, walked about 75 feet and around the corner of a building and possibly 100 or more feet across to the other side of the lot. Meanwhile a passenger gets out of the car, gets into the driver's side, backs the car up, goes forward, backs up, goes forward, in an attempt to see the original driver on the other side of the building. Eventually the original driver comes out and gets back in to the car in the passenger's side. They turn and go to leave the lot. Right before exiting they come back over across the lot and the passenger gets out again. The car again goes to the exit to leave. After pausing at the exit a few seconds it goes, in reverse, back across the parking lot and all wiggly into a strange angle. It stays there for about a minute (in view of where the passenger went) then speeds off out of the lot. Seriously, if your son and you (a dad I'd guess) are that angry at one another... I'm sorry but if that isn't the first incident you are at risk of losing your son forever. It's sad really. That's the kind of stuff that happened with my dad and me. He never said he was sorry and never tried to repair things. I tried to repair things in my late 20s but he just didn't really get it, and I've never been able to stand up on my own and have him be proud of me or approve of what I've become. It's so sad to see that happening with others, but I guess it happens every day.

Day 523 - 12/6 - End of another semester approaches

It's just after 12:30 at my short coverage shift. I'm nomming lunch. I don't expect anything interesting to happen today. I expect I'll just play my game all day after work and watch a show at night. I didn't bring a movie as there isn't anything I haven't seen, but more importantly I need to try and do some school assignments. I have a final to study for as well. Wednesday is easy as it's just going to class and watching presentations.

It seems so strange that classes are almost over. The past three and a half months have passed in the blink of an eye. It feels like I've just gotten started in the classes and now it's over. We are coming up on the close of yet another year as well.

I suppose my greatest sadness about this semester - not counting like I feel that I did far worse than I could have due to projects that involved children, which I don't have access to - is that the very beautiful and attractive redhead in Wednesday's class never approached me after the first night. After I escorted her to the bookstore she never gave me a thank you hug, shake, or introduced herself (from what I recall), so it doesn't surprise me she never showed any interest on other nights. I suppose though that with each passing year there are more new girls out there (coming of age) who I could potentially flirt with.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. It's gray and somewhat sprinkling outside. I feel a touch sad, but mostly I'm so very sleepy.

Day 524 - 12/7 - Hiding from the poliece

It's late and my day is just about over. I'm at the church wireless spot at around 10. Noone is here at all, which is not surprising considering it is super cold and raining earlier.

I got invited by a friend/ghost to a post New Year's Party. (The one who I went to a party for her husband for.) That should be pretty fun. It's on the 2nd so it's still nearly a month away.

I joined a new guild today. It's the guild the online friends I see the most are in. I've seen many of the guild peeps before too. They seem like one of those smaller guilds with 20-25 peeps in them, so hopefully it will be ok. Too large can have drama, but too small and you wind up just being alone most of the time. I don't think I'll be too sad, as I can do most things with my netbook. Plus too if I can get the $800 to upgrade (or around $600 if I sell my netbook first) then I'll be fine to group anywhere. It would be so very nice to upgrade. I could have my world back. I could play my game, watch my movies, and even carry around some of my movies from my collection with me.

I had a pretty good time today playing. I checked for jobs but there wasn't anything to apply to, as usual. What with the end of the year coming I likely won't see many jobs posted for the next few months. I'll win some money in the lottery anyways, am I right?

Well, gonna watch a show while I have a snack, then I'm off "to bed". Hopefully the rain won't force me to seek shelter at 4:45 AM like it did last night. It got so loud and so cold that I couldn't stay asleep. I hid on the school lot and was fine after that. Unfortunately I may only have like until a week past Friday to do that. It's closed the last couple of weeks this month.

Bye for now.

Time passes

I just got the most terrible scare that could turn out very bad for me. Instead of having my snack and just going to the sleeping spot I stayed to watch a show. It got past 11 and the lights went dark. After leaving the lot a poliece car pulls up behind me and pulled me over. I ask, "Something wrong officer?" And they (there were two of them) ask 'what was I doing in a dark parking lot alone'. I tell them the truth, I was using the Internet. They ask with a disbelieving tone where my laptop was. I showed them and even took it out of the protective sleve. They ask for my ID and proof of insurance and stuff. After fumbling around (I've no clue what these papers are exactly) I find all the papers. While one is checking things back at thier car the other asks if there is anything 'he needs to worry about' and if he can look around in my car. I ask what for. He says for illegal things. I say, "well, if you are looking for drugs or weapons you aren't going to find any." He asks again and I reply, "I'd rather you not. I've got a lot of stuff in here." He presses on yet his tone remains... I woulnd't say polite, but not accusatory, and he asks why not. I reply, "Well, I'm at school a lot so I've got food and stuff back there, it was laundry day today, so I've got a bunch of laundry up here, and it would take you a real long time to go through all this stuff." He replied, somewhat sarcastically somewhat accusingly, "I've got all night." And I replied, "Well, if you are going to insist I can't really stop you, but I've got nothing bad and rather you didn't." I've been stopped in the past long ago a few times, and with the local officer recently telling me (when my car was crashed into that time) that being homeless is not a crime in and of itself, I was putting bets on the hope that he had no legal right to go through my personal property without probable cause. Since my statement of the basketball courts closing at 11 was true, even if they didn't believe me, and my statement that I was using the Internet wirelessly is totally viable, that does not give them probable cause. Now, it is suspicious, and I suspect that there may be drug dealers literally across the street at the bowling alley sometimes, but my facts add up and do not give him probable cause to question my story. He finally stops pressing and meanders back to the car and the other officer saying, "all right." The first one returns a bit later and says he was sorry it took so long but he was running an extensive check on me. Finding nothing he asked me where I was staying now. I figure they'd seen the bag behind my seat (which I indicated was food for school) and possibly my blankets and bag and were suspicious of my being homeless. I told them my address and added, "just a few blocks from here around the corner there." He said that these notes were bla bla (it had some official name but I forget what) and that they wouldn't go into any record or through the system. It was just a little white paper that he made some notes on in certain pre-formated spaces and that it was just for his own record that we spoke.

So now I am scared and worried. Now there is what I think is a sherrif with my name, car info, etc., who seems to be on patrol at night in the area I normally am around and sleeping. This means there is a chance he may be checking the possible sleeping spots I'd use. Though, I've never seen a sherrif in the sleeping lot. The three times I've seen a car at the sleeping spot or on school campus they've been 'black and whites'; regular local poliec cars.

Now I'm hiding in the ex-house garage freezing even though I've got extra cloths on. I'll cover myself up with my blankets and towels soon, so that should help. But how safe am I now? I don't think they can go onto private property without permission, so I'm safe here from them. But, am I safe at the sleeping spot? If it's a sherrif am I safe at any sleeping spot within the enire county? Is this the only sherrif car in the county during this shift, or is he just one of many? Is this his regular area, or does he cover a huge section? Will his white note paper remain that and be filed away in a desk if needed later? Or will it be entered into some kind of system or electronic notebook that he can check easily later? How long will those notes exist and he remeber the white jeep-like car with the black top (this is a pretty unusual car for the area)?

I've certainly been trying to find a job and a home. I don't have anyone who will help me. Where am I to go if I no longer am 'safe' anywhere but school, the mall, or the wireless spot only during times they are open? With the Holidays coming when everything is closed where will I go? If I'm suspect being places using wireless when they are closed and that's "stealing service" (the one officer said that who was trying to search my car) then how can I say that's what I'm doing near places that are closed? Basketballers laughed when they saw I was playing my game via the wireless. Others used to come by and use it outside of Starbucks when I was doing that; I wasn't the only one. Why after all this time when things started to seem like they were settling in to an ok homeless life, why are they now turned upsideown?

I hide from them in the garage now, but how many other nights can I sleep in here without being noticed? The ex-roomies sometimes have guests and stay up until 11 or midnight. With only being able to stay at school or the mall until about 10 where will I go? Can I stay at the sleeping spot ever again? Will I really feel safe enough to sleep if I do? If not, where can I go?

I don't feel safe anymore. I don't feel welcome anymore. And there is nothing I can do to change it. I have nowhere to go and I have no home. Things which seemed just fine earlier tongiht - a shopkeep welcoming me to his food shop at the mall and giving me a discount and free drink - now seem unstable. My days should be fase - those where things are open - but my nights now seem to be in great peril.

Day 525 - 12/8 - Frozen and feeling unsafe

Last night was terrible. I'm still nervous, unsettled, and don't know what to do. I spent last night in the ex-garage most of the night - freezing cold. When I went out to my car at just before 6 I found that it was literally freezing cold. My car (and all the others) had iced over windows and a layer of ice on the metal bits. I dont' know if Fate had the poliece scare me to convince me to be in the garage to spare me that freezing or what. It is unlikely to get warmer anytime soon. I'll likely continue to try and stay hidden in the garage with my car nearby to the driveway for a few nights.

I suppose I shouldn't worry about it. My sleeping spot is 100% hidden from view from the street (unlike the church wireless spot which is completely exposed) and this is the first time in the past nearly 1.5 years any poliece have approached me. While school is open I can feel sort of safe in the lot, as all the patrol cars are campus 'black and whites'. There are no sheriff patrols. The sheriff(s?) do patrol near to school, but mostly stick to the area around the wireless church, which is also near to the bowling alley and food store. This likely means that entire hub (near my ex-home) is somewhat unsafe for now. While I highly doubt that sheriff and his partner are now going to be saying, 'lol, let's drive around and see if we can catch this guy being homeless,' I can't help but be worried that somewhere out there is a note that says I claimed I was still living at my (former) home.

I suppose odds are still extremely low he will see me driving around the area (as the church sleeping spot is just a few miles from where he pulled me over and I often use that street to go to/from school) I still can't help but think 'what if they do decide to play catch the homeless guy?' At least as long as school is open, which may just be through this weekend, I only really have to worry about times between 10 PM and 6 AM. The mall is starting to stay open later so I should be able to go straight from the mall to wherever it is I do sleep. Still, I'd expect that 8 hour window is the majority of his shift with the implication of his partner saying "I've got all night."

I don't know what to do. I'm surrounded by kind people all day (or night) when I'm at mini work, a few of the mall people are starting to be kind to me, professors always seem concerned, I've got online friends and some RL people are re-connecting with me... but at night I'm so very alone. In the dark. In the cold. Not even a garage and parking spot offered to keep me sheltered until I cna get back on my feet.

I suppose I'm not meant to understand Fate's path, only to recognize the directions to take when given a choice, and to recognize when my heart moves me certain ways. But whatever the end of this path is, I hope I find it soon.

Time passes

I can't study or focus at all what with this worry. It's almost time to eat before the test, and I've done no studying at all yet. I did get a B-/B on the last test with very little studying, so hopefully I'll do just fine. I just can't focus at all with all this worry about what I'm going to do tonight. I'll probably try and stealth in to the ex-garage again, but each time I do so I'm at risk of being discovered.

One of the people at mini work chatted with me for a bit. She was sad that my situation isn't getting better, as she said I seemed like an intelligent, nice, kind, friendly, and good person, and that I'm trying to find jobs. At her church she goes to she said that there are 28 families in trouble/need because of the economy. I don't know what percent that is, but that is a ton of local families just at that one location. A co-worker who knows I'm homeless chatted with me for a bit too; he overheard part of my conversation with the lady. He confirmed that I'm really just 'loitering' and there really isn't anything that poliece could do other than shoo me away. I had found that answer earlier, but I suppose there is some comefort hearing it from someone who is studying to be a poliece officer. But the question remains; will I feel safe enough to sleep in places? If I am shooed away, where will I go? If I'm shooed away, will I lose the only place I've been and felt safe enough to sleep fairly well in the past year+? And if I am no longer safe, how much longer will things continue and will my balance and mental agility, which have been so fragile lately, be shattered and become the lost soul I was early on when I didn't have a stable place to sleep?

I suppose all I can do is try and alter my schedule yet again. Since the mall is open a decent amount of time I'll just save my playing for there only. I'll wait and stealth in to the sleeping spot shortly after 10 with no additional stops or detours, taking a slightly different path than the one I was stopped on. I'll ignore the wireless church spot and try and think of alternate food shops that I can by from which aren't near that hub. But most of all, I suppose all I can do is continue to look for jobs, continue to try and do my best in school, continue to take extra time at work when offered, and just hope that things improve and/or one of the people from my past eventually step forward and offer me some kind of safe haven, even if it's just a friend of a friend's garage for those few hours during the night.

That's all for now, possibly for the week. This week was really starting to shape up, but now it seems split into my being recognized and welcome during the day, and my becoming an outcast and unwelcome at night. But then, I suppose it was always that way and I just hid among the shadows in places I know I could move mostly unseen.

Week 76

Day 526 - 12/9 - Second ice

It's a very early lunch time at about 11:45. I had settled in a while ago and was ready to get some stuff offline to start my assignments but for some reason the wireless network is failing for me. What seems particularly odd is that others seem to be connected ok.

I'm so very tired. I ninjaed in to the ex-garage last night but had a difficult time getting to sleep. Every car and house door made me jump thinking an ex-roomie may discover me. I had to sleep on a chair, which is pretty terrible, but I was wrapped up warm enough to be ok. When I left at around 6:45 all the cars were again iced over. I had no trouble sleeping at the school sleeping spot, so the majority of my good sleep was a few hours on campus. That was only about three hours, so the other about six were cramped and odd.

I don't know how the next few weeks will go. Although campus isn't completely shut down until the 21st the last of the two classes will end Saturday, so Friday is very likely the last time I can sleep here in the morning until next semester. (Also I'm a bit worried about next semester because of budget cuts causing a lot of classess to be dropped. I'm first on one class waiting list, but 14th on another. Those are really the only ones I can take due to my taking all the others.) Soon the mall will start to open early enough that I could probably just go over when I get up around 7 and then wait in the lot for a bit, but I still wonder if my former sleeping spot is safe. I have to consider the fact that I've been in that spot for about 1.25 years and never once had an incident despite black and whites visiting the lot three times and once waking up with other cars parked nearby. A few weeks ago a 'restricted parking 24/7' sign appeared at the lot entrance, so that has me a bit worried. The ten regular cars that parked there on weeknights has dwindled to five. But again, I've never had an issue and only a few times has a church person ever been there when I was there. I think that recent camper that was there unmoving for several weeks may have prompted that sign. I expect they have not requested patrols and would just call the towing company if they saw that a vehicle was left there for days on end.

I suppose the incident was just an outlier, one that won't be repeated (particularly if I go back to my previous pattern of stealthing in at 10 and stay off the streets and other places when others aren't around.) But still, I worry. What seemed "safe" a few days ago no longer seems safe. Though I can't change my situation I wonder how much I'll be bugged in the future - how many times poliece will stop me or find me and want to search my car or possibly ticket me for some reason. They should really just have an official policy of turning a blind eye to those in cars unless there is a complaint. If we aren't hurting anyone then there is no reason to make a bad situation worse. Well... as difficult as it may be I have to try to not worry about it.

Campus is pretty empty most places. Finals have started and the semester is ending. People are coming for their tests then going away to their warm homes. They were saying farewll to friends they won't see anymore and hello to new chapters in their lives. They are getting ready for the Hollidays by planning trips to see family or other loved ones and getting ready for gift giving. But not me. I continue to be in some kind of quantum shifted parallel world where I can see them, move among them, yet not interact with them. Only a few seem capable of seeing me and noone seems willing or knowledgable enough to quantum shift me back to the normal universe.

Time passes

It's a bit after 5 and my day is coming to a close. I did finally do my assignments for tonight's class, though I am not at all proud of how I did on them. In a home I'd have done them awesomly and earlier than the due date. But because of various sads I had a very difficult time. I expect I'll probably still manage high Cs or Bs in the classes. I suppose cramming and doing assignments at the last minute is more common than not, but still.

My right arm above my wrist has felt odd today. When I was like 14 I broke my arm there in gym class. I'd heard of people's injuries hurting in cold weather but never before experienced it. What with my being freezing during the nights lately it doesn't at all surprise me. It certainly seems much colder this year than in past years.

I posted to my Facebook that I'm going to the 3D IMAX midnight showing of Avatar. The sister of my friend/ex-roomie said she and her like 8 year old son will come. The party ghost said she and her guy have his son that weekend, so they probably won't be able to make it. More local ghosts may say they will go. I guess we'll see.

I'm both happy and sad to say that the haze that's been around my mind lately seems to be lifting. It's been there for what seems like the better part of four months. It's sad that it's started to lift now, at the end of the semester. It would have been nice to have that clarity and focus back when school was in session.

I saw a sheriff car last night at the mall. I was worried for a second that it would be the same one and he would question me, but I could have shown him the presale movie ticket if it was. I don't think it was the same one though as he was in his car alone. Statistics so far show that I really shouldn't worry, but I can't help but worry. While it is easy to forget I'm homeless while I'm here at school, or even a bit at the mall, it becomes very clear at night that I don't really have anywhere to go, or anyone who can give me shelter. I drive in the cold alone, with only a few around me, all scurring hurriedly to get back to warm shelter. I have safety at school. I am welcome at the mall. I am welcome on campus. There are those who worry about me at mini work and my online peeps, both in game and at my site. But I have no financial support. I have no home. I have no physical place that I belong. Knowing I have a place I belong mentally, spiritually, in the hearts and minds of some I know is enough for me. But not having shelter, not having the comeforts of a home - even a home alone - it is sad, and as proven recently, makes me suspect and a questionable individual in the eyes of the law. It seems that being an outcast not of my own design automatically makes me an outlaw.

Time passes

It's late, just past 9:45. I don't want to go hide in the shadows. I'm so very sad. I'm so sad watching people go home. Thinking of them going to warm beds, having cooked meals, having night time snacks, watching shows or movies, playing games before bed... I don't want to be homeless anymore. I never did in teh first place. While a place to put my stuff and sleep is not a home by itself I so very much want to have at least that. If noone in my real life cares to offer or share that with me I'm actually ok with it. But I don't want to be homeless and outcast anymore. It's so very lonely and sad.

Day 527 - 12/10 - Lack of control

Not sure what to say for today. I'm still very worried about the sheriff. I saw a sheriff's car near the ex-home when I was at the food store getting dinner tonight. I suspect this is a new person who, for whatever reason, is heavily patroling the ex-house hub area. I suppose if it was him the good news is that was at 4:30, so that would put his shift at an earlier time. I guess I shouldn't worry about it but I have a higher fear of that than I ever did from unpredictable passer-bys discovering me. This likely won't be a feeling that passes soon and unfortunately I can't just find a new place to sleep quickly or easily. I guess what happens happens and as usual I have no control over it.

A person dropped from one of the classes I was wait listed for, so I'm in that one for sure. I'm still on the list for the second.

I had a pretty good day playing, but as usual my system held me back from a few things. Added to all the extra driving around from sleeping spots and to get food and I've lost a lot of time today.

I'm tired, grumpy, sad, feeling helpless, alone, sick, and there is nothing more I can do to fix my situation than I am already trying to do.

Day 528 - 12/11 - Different in the shadows

It's later in the evening at mini work. I decided to sweep with most of the lights off tonight to be different. Things always look different in the dark; shadows criss-cross, things shine which don't normally, things are hidden that you can normally see, and things normally hidden can come into focus.

I got two movies for tonight, but sadly I've already seen one of them. It's part of a series and I know I missed one or two, but this isn't one of the missed ones. I guess I can enter Epic Fail and do some site updates.

My day was fairly uneventful. It's been raining lately so there has been a bit of extra scampering. I forgot about the car leak when I got to my car and put my cloths bag in to a puddle. Thankfully it just was wet on the sufrace so no harm was done to the stuff inside. Hopefully I won't do that again tonight. I put a bag there to remind me.

There are signs up that say we are closed next Friday. According to my schedule we aren't supposed to be closed until Saturday. I hope that's an error on the sign, because if it's not that's another nearly $60 I'll lose at the end of the month due to work downtime.

Guess that's really all to say for now. My life remains in the sad unchanged state that it has been.

Day 529 - 12/12 - Extended mall hours

It's nearing 10:45 at night. My day is over. Today was the first day of extended mall hours. I should be albe to stay until 10:30 in the future without anyone really worrying about my being there. There were tons of teens there today, like school is out and they know the mall would be open late. (Though I'm pretty sure they still have school for a week.) There were still some inside, and some milling around outside, as I left.

I had a difficult time sleeping. I still haven't regained my trust or feel safe. I checked my scribblings from a year ago and it looks like I was able to sleep at the school spot all the way until Xmas Eve. I went to check school this morning and, sure enough, there were some people there when I got there at just before 7:30. I couldn't sleep much there either, even though I knew school is safe. I haven't seen any patrols lately and the few I have were black and white campus poliece.

I played all day and mostly had fun. There was a sadness though - returned feelings I knew would come back as I neared the content cap of what my system could handle. All I can do is try and do what I know my system can handle and slowly build up loots bit by bit.

Not a very interesting day to read about I'm sure, but I suppose the good news is that, at least for today, things haven't gotten worse.

Day 530 - 12/13 - The longest day

It's just about 10 at night and my day is over, though the night is just beginning. I did manage to get some good sleep at the school sleeping spot. There were a few dozen cars in the lot area I was in so I felt fairly confident that I'd be ok. I didn't see a patrol car, nor did I hear one. I did, however, see what I refer to as an "electracop", which is a golfcart which 1-2 campus security people. I would say that thinking back over this school year so far I think I've seen two campus black and whites ever. Back during last year I used to see one in the lot every other day or so and often would see patrols every few hours. But this year so far it seems they are only out for special events (like those on the weekends) and that the electracop patrols are the main patrol; and they happen infrequently. Hopefully patrols will remain light and cars will remain somewhat heavy so I can feel confident enough to sleep ok on campus. I have a feeling it could be a while before I go back to good sleep at night. I'm still very fearful of patrols and jumping at the sound of cars close by.

I played my game all day and had a lot of fun for the most part. I certainly wouldn't have played 12 straight hours if I were in a home. I'd play maybe half that and do other fun things. But right now... right now with my life as it is I have little choice. Looking for jobs takes anywhere from 15 minutes to maybe one hour due to the near complete lack of posts. In the coming days I'll likely play a bit less of my total time and watch some shows.

I don't know what to say really. I'm cold. I'm so very sad. I'm tired. I'm sore. I wish I worked at least 20 hours every week - even if it were just with my current jobs. The sad truth is that even though these jobs aren't a career I do like interacting with the customer people who come by. There certainly could be less enjoyable jobs. While I said for the longest time, effectively for the better part of a year, that I'd love nothing more than a system to play my game this isn't what I'd do with my day if I had a choice. I love my game. I really like my guild peeps (though they are a tiny guild of maybe a dozen people, only about four of which are on at any given time.) Everyone who's read the story so far knows I'd like to be in a home where I can sleep in, shower, watch TV or my movies, play different games, and cook foods. I can do none of that. While I had a lot of fun today it seemed like a very long day. And now... now it's night, where I don't feel safe and have to hide in the shadows. It is not at all the life I want, nor would wish upon anyone who has more. But it seems, at least for now, it is the only life(style) I have to choose from.

Day 531 - 12/14 - Wireless trouble

It's 10:45 at mini work. I think today may be ok. It's a touch warmer - no frost/ice on the car this morning. I'm at mini work now and I'll do laundry after.

I saw four black and whites last night on my way to sleep that were parked around a guy who was sitting on the sidewalk. For the longest time after I thought they were harrassing a homeless guy, but then I finally realized he must have been a drunk driver and that they had towed away his car. Two of the cars were parked side-by-side with one in the shoulder and one blocking the first lane of the road. It took me a while to figure out why they parked like that. I was super worried and couldn't sleep for a while. I did, however, get some good sleep while at the school sleeping spot up until I needed to leave for mini work. I guess I got around 9 total hours, only half of which was really good though.

After laundry I'll play my game. My guild peeps want to do a raid thing, so that should be fun. I'm still sad I typically get such bad framerates that these areas are tough, but some I can manage ok in because I'm uber. It would be super awesome if I got enough gift money / donations to upgrade at the end of the year, but my dad already sent his money and it's been so long since I got a donation that I don't even remember when the last one was. (Plus, now I have to worry about three weeks of effectively only about 40% of my normal pay.) It has to be before around June. Donations this year are extremely scarse and I've only gotten a few.

I suppose I'm managing ok though. Some days are better than others. But my sadness, worry, and feeling scared and like I have no control over anything always linger on.

Time passes

Well, the wireless on my system has not been working for about 10 minutes. My system is currently shut down in the hopes that something will reset. I was playing my game then just flat out lost connection to everything. Resetting the modem shows that after a while it does reconnect, but it fails to get mail, connect to the Internet, or my game. It seems normal, but I can't connect to anything at all. This likely means something is wrong with the mall connection, so who knows how long that will take to fix.

It's just after 8:30, so I've still got about 2 hours that I can be at the mall and would want to try "going to bed". If it doesn't self repair by about 9 I'll go check at another local spot that I know. I'll try over there, then at school, and see if my system can see stuff. If I can't connect to the world I'll be almost entirely cut off. I'd only have a couple of hours of very slow access through public libraries.

I guess time will tell, but I feel like crying. It's like every single teen step I seem to make towards a normal life eventually gets shattered and I get put two steps back. I really don't understand why I'm this unlucky. Sure, I've won a few smaller items in drawings, a few small lottery wins, but why can't I be the guy to win 10k or more? Why can't I be the guy to land that good job that pays well? Why can't I be the guy to find a young sweetie and live happily ever after? Why does it seem pain, misery, suffering, and sadness are always following me.

Day 532 - 12/15 - Wireless still broken

It's nearing lunchtime. I'm so very sad. I got a good shower at school this morning, but the mall connection is still totally dead. There is a local shop that I eat at sometimes that it can see here in the food court but its speed is too slow to do anything besides check email, and it is completely unstable. I have only connected for maybe one minute out of the 30 that I've been here. I'm so very sad. I don't know what to do. I could go to school if I didn't mind being out in the cold. If the bad thing hadn't happened I'd consider going to the church wireless spot, but again I'd be in the cold with only a few hours of access due to battery life. Sometimes there are other wireless people here, but there aren't at the moment. If there were I could see if anyone else is having trouble. I did a test last night at another location and it saw the login page just fine, plus I connected here to the store for that one minute just fine (though it is at 20% of the normal wireless speed.)

I don't know what to do. I don't understand why my life can't stay just the littlest bit stable lately.

Time passes

I managed to stay connected long enough to let the mall know. The person said that he's got tech looking into it now, so hopefully that's good news. I have my doubts though that it will be fixed anytime soon. I'm personally expecting it will be at least a few days for it to be resolved.

The store connection continues to fail at being connected maybe 1 minute out of every 20. At least it connects long enough now and then to see if I have gotten a response from the mall people on their main connection.

Time passes

It's 3:45 and I was looking through my connection points and saw one that reminded me that today, being Tuesday, is all I can nom pizza night. I'll head over and do that now. If I recall it runs from 5-8, so getting there early at 4 and staying late until 8:30 or so should be just fine. The regular mall connection is still totally dead. I've been trying to connect to the store, but it hasn't connected for over an hour at all. The thing that I don't get is that someone is here now that was here yesterday and he's watching movies. I saw he couldn't connect when he got here so I warned him about the connection being broken since last night. I peeped at his system and saw he saw the connection points at 4-5 bars, while I only see them at 1-2. What the poop? Is it because my system isn't a full laptop and I've got a much weaker wireless modem? I'll have to do some more research and see about that. I hope my system hasn't been gimped from the very start. That would be terrible. I suppose I could RMA it if that's the case, but that would probably put me out a system for a few weeks. I'd really like to just wait until I can upgrade it to a real system (again the one I want is around $800, of which I could probably get back $200-300 for this system), but I dont' know how soon that will happen.

Anyways... off I go for nom. That will likely be it for this week, as I don't know when I'll have a connection again after nom. I'll drop the Epic Fail update while I'm there so peeps know what's going on with me lately. Seems a very sad two week posting indeed.

Time passes

It's 4:30 and I'm at all I can nom pizza waiting for it to start. I connected to the pizza place with no prob at all. I got an email from the guy at the mall saying that the techs couldn't connect either and they will be working on it and hopefully have it back up and working later tonight. So, who knows, maybe after dinner nom is over it will be back up and running. I won't hold my breath, but ya never know.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher