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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 91

Day 631 - 3/24 - Need to complain

I'm so tired, though it's only slightly later than my normal bed time. I didn't accomplish much today but I did a lot. I went over to drop C off at work, took H to a hobby shop to get stuff so he could finish a car for his son for his boy scout pinewood derby thing, dropped him off for that, did some food shopping, picked up C, then drove back to the derby. Phew, so much back and forth today.

I did get an ok amount of time for me to relax and play a bit. C also found a good lead on a cute car, so I'll have to look into that. I also got a bunch of extra mini shifts on Sundays during April, so that will help regain some money from all this car poop.

Oh, that reminds me that I have to complain about that place since the owner never called back to see about fixing all the not work they did in leaving my car in disarray. Had he called and said sorry and he'd be mad at the mechanic it wouldn't be as big of a deal, I'd have maybe accepted $15 returned to me. Now... now he ignored me or the mechanic didn't pass on the message. Either way a letter is about to go to the better business bureau now requesting 50% of my $49 fee back.

I suppose it's an ok day all things considered.

Day 632 - 3/25 - So much driving

It's so very late at night, like 3 AM. I had to do so much driving around today, about 6+ hours of these little trips everywhere H needed to go. I didn't have time to do anything really, which is likely why I stayed up past my normal bed time to play. As it is I got maybe 3 or so total hours of play.

Things are ok all things considered. I need to complain about the car thing still, noone replied to my reply to their car ads, which is sad, and I didn't do job searches.

Things are a bit different tomorrow so I won't be at work too early like last week. I may go like 1 hour early so the peeps aren't driving back across the bay in rush hour though. I'll see how tomorrow unfolds as it unfolds.

Bye for now.

Day 633 - 3/26 - More driving

It was another day of a fair bit of driving. The day started around 9:30 when we took C over for work. H had to be dropped off at his son's school because he volunteers there on Friday. I got about 1.5 hours to myself at the home, then I had to go pick him up again. I got about 3 hours after we got back to play and have fun, then I had to scoot off to work. I stopped at the ex-house on the way because I needed to pick up something to give to the guy who bought my car.

No replies on car ads yet. I'm hoping one I emailed today will reply. It's a cute little car that's a bit more car-like than my previous one. (The previous one I had was more Jeep-like. I'd love an actual Jeep, but they all run in the $3k+ range for one in even terrible condition, closer to $5k if I want one that isn't busted up.) This one has a soft top, but it's only in the back part, so the front part is very unlikely to leak. They want $900 for it though and I'm currently down to about $760 reserved for the car stuff. After checking my bills I really have zero of my paycheck left that I could put towards the car. (I had to renew a membership for my car insurance and make a payment to the car insurance. Those quickly drained a lot out of my paycheck.) I should get at least a little something for bunnah weekend next weekend, so that should get me up closer to the $850 range. Anyways... I don't know if the guy will respond since I didn't call him going, 'me me me gimmie gimmie'. It seems only those willing to pay the asking price who do that will get the cars, and with my limited funds I can't do that.

I got to borrow the car for tonight, so I drove myself over to mini work and get to drive back right after. No waiting or worrying about C&H being put out to come get me. Hopefully I can sleep in for a bit tomorrow and there won't be any earlyish moving around. H has a project he wants to do which will likely take several hours, so hopefully I can play at least some of the day. That'd make me sad if I couldn't. I haven't had very much relaxing/play time the past few days. All this driving around everywhere is making me a very sleepy bunnah.

Mini work is over in a short while and I don't know what else to say, so bye for now.

Day 634 - 3/27 - Blurry eye

I've been in a haze all day. Not one like before, a different kind. I was aware of time passing today, but I couldn't really focus. Maybe it was because I literally couldn't focus. My left eye was out of focus most of the day, so my vision was blurry and I was in a confused haze because of it. I think some animal allergies got to me.

No car replies today. The cute one is sold. I still suspect that unless you call immediately and offer everything they want you won't get it. Unfortunately I don't have the money to do that nor will I for several weeks. (Even then it's questionable how much more I'll have above what I have already, doubly so since I really need to get my eyes checked and order contacts.

Life was ok to me today I suppose though. I slept ok, slept in a bit, played Dragon Age most of the day, checked boards, washed cloths, and even looked for cars a bit.

Things still seem so odd what with my not having a room of my own. Only on rare occasion do I feel 'in my own private space', which is sad but so very much of an improvement over before.

I have no clue what tomorrow will bring. Hopefully something good, but more likely it will simply be another tiny step forward in the plodding along that is my life.

Bye for now.

Day 635 - 3/28 - Playing

Not much to say today. I got to play my games all day; quite a bit in private even. The day actually started with sleeping in then I did a trash load, recycle load, vacuumed, cleaned animal hairs, watched a show, and took a shower. Oh, at some point in there I looked for cars.

I had to get someone to cover my mini shift tomorrow. I'm still without a car, so it's still really impossible to get to work Monday without totally putting C out.

H wants to try and do a storage shed project tomorrow, so that will be a lot of sad physical labor. Well, maybe it will be a step towards my getting more space in the room. Not that I don't want to help, it's just a big project involving physical labor that I don't think he has the right tools for, so I expect it will be a big pain in the butt. Ah well, I guess it is what it is.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have better news. I still feel trapped through what with no jobs to apply to and no car prospects.

Day 636 - 3/29 - When I'm sleeping sometimes I'm home

I stayed up late playing games again. It's later than I'd like to be going to bed, possibly why I still feel so sleepy despite sleeping in, but if C&H both go to bed it's really the only time I have alone. C typically goes to bed around midnight, which is when I'd normally get to bed, but H often stays up until 2 or even 3 in the morning, making my ability to sleep difficult and time alone without at least one of them around zero.

Sometimes when I've been sleeping lately I've felt like I've been back at my old home. I suppose that's due to the room and bed being similar (in terms of it being a foam bed with the window and door in the same spot in relation to the direction of the bed.) Several nights now I've felt like I could peek over the side and see my clock, or reach over and get a drink (I keep the drink on the opposite side here), or get up and turn and my feet will flop over the side like they used to. I'm not uncomfortable here, the peeps are nice and friendly, the animals love me, it's not really cold at all or smells bad (well, sometimes the animals smell a bit bad, heh.) I am sheltered, warm, fairly comfortable, cared for, and I know I'd be free to come and go if I had a car. But I don't think I could call it a home, call my journey done, until I have my own space, my own stuff in my space, and out of my ex-roomies garage. Until then I think there are too many undone things emotionally.

It's raining outside now. It's been fairly warm the past week or two, but now the days have been gray. It would be so different in my car still. Those times seem so long ago, yet they are still so fresh in my memory; the scars still so rough on my soul.

Day 637 - 3/30 - Early snack, late snack

Today was a pretty good day I suppose, mostly because nothing bad happened. No replies to cars, no replies to for job interviews, though I put out emails on both recently.

I'm having a late snack before bed. I've been so hungry lately. I've often been having lunch, a snack, dinner, dessert, and another snack. I don't know why I'm so hungry lately other than the possibility that this is only the second or so week of real food I've gotten in over a year and a half. Tonight we went shopping for food and it was the first time since I've been homeless that I did not buy homeless food. I bought all 'real' to be cooked food. I guess that's a step forward, though my sadness at only having a partial home lingers. There were more changes in C&H's home lately, more reminders that my life is not my own, just a temporary space within their lives. I never knew until now how very important it is to have space all your own, a private place to put not only yourself but your stuff too. Just putting yourself somewhere is shelter, and just putting your stuff somewhere is storage; it is only when you have both in the same place that it will begin to feel like home.

Week 92

Day 638 - 3/31 - Sad and still homeless

It's a sad day today. C got all like mad and stuff at my needing to get to mini work on Sunday thinking that I'm not looking for cars. What she doesn't know is that I have been looking, but because I don't have what they are asking I can't go all crazy saying I want it. There is no way I'll convince someone to give me a $900-1,000 car when I can only offer $800. She did say she could help with $100, and I may have some waiting for me at the ex-house, so maybe I can have enough soon. I am looking though, and it makes me sad she thinks I'm not or that I don't care about getting a new one.

She also said she and H were trying to have a baby and that my room space is temporary. So I've got anywhere from 6 months to maybe a year or so realistically before my time here expires, and I'll likely never be given more room to set up stuff here. Even if I could I now question if I'd want to since I'll be uprooted again so quickly.

She also has been saying that I should say I live here for jobs and school. While that previously made sense it doesn't seem logical anymore since I'm on such a short timer.

I am looking for replacement cars. I am looking for work. But I can only try. Everything is still out of my hands and out of my control.

Day 639 - 4/1 - Car search

Nothing special today, but nothing bad either I suppose. C&H found out today that I really have been looking for cars. They were the ones to put out replies (H knows cars anyways, I don't) and they saw just how many don't reply. The surprising thing is that H left messages on the phone for several saying that he was very interested, yet got only a few replies. So it seems that even when waving the money at them they still almost never reply. Some we've called and gotten a warning that the person's mail box was full. I suppose then that I have to believe this is an act of the gods and Fate, and not that it's my continuous bad luck. There have been almost half a dozen that looked ok, and C said they could help me out by a few hundred if need be, so with a cap closer to $1k I should hopefully be able to find something tomorrow. If not Sunday and Monday will be a total nightmare in terms of car driving and getting around because there won't be pick-ups/drop-offs for me really.

I remain in the hands of the gods. As per my job searching, the car searching is more waiting for replies to my replies than anything else.

Day 640 - 4/2 - Odd letter and card

It's about 5:45 at mini work. Noone is here but me. Normally it would be busy with people, but this is the start of a new renting period. Sometimes people miss their first few days.

I spent most of the day chilling with H. We made several car calls but mostly played Dragon Age. He plays on his PS3 and I'm on my PC next to it. (C made me set up my system in the living room. ) We are all 'ooh, look at this' to each other, hehe.

I got an odd letter and card from my dad. Not odd in that it wasn't expected, well it mostly wasn't. It's a Saint Patrick's day card that I got late because he addressed it wrong. It's odd in that he didn't harp at me about my life, he didn't say bla bla get a government job, he didn't scold or talk down to me at all. He just talked about being retired and rambled a bit about how is six-year-old computer is dying. I may send him some suggestions on builds. He doesn't know about my site. He's super old and it would be way too much info. He may be better off with a pre-built one though. For non-gaming systems they are often as cheap pre-built as it is to build it yourself. I may also tell him to check NewEgg. There are ones there for pretty cheap if you don't need serious gaming power.

It's nice to be here at mini work in the quiet. So much of my life has so much business and chaos - a constant blur and ramble of doing. It's so very nice to be at peace and not have to worry about this or that or have people scurrying or chatting around me.

Guess that's it for today.

Day 641 - 4/3 - Just one Easter candy

It's nearing midnight. I'm so very sad. I still have no car so we almost put me out for the night so that I could be at/near work tomorrow because C&H have family things to do and couldn't drive me when I'm supposed to be at work. As the night went on me and C got more and more sad about me being put out for the night. She approached me right before we were to go and asked if I'd rather just go super early at like 5 AM. Neither of us wanted me to be put out for the night, so that's what we'll do.

While I was extremely sad about being homeless with nowhere to go, I'm finding I'm more sad about missing bunny day. It's my most favorite holiday, but it's been so long since I really got to celebrate it that I'd forgotten how important it was. I thought I would just be ok working it and missing time with C&H's little one and the not-sis' little ones. (Though since I still have no car I can't see her little ones.) As the night went on and C&H and their little one decorated eggs and C&H set up his basket after the little one went to bed I got more and more sad as I was reminded of happier times in my youth and of recent times when I did have someones to celebrate with.

I have just one Easter candy with me and I'll miss all the morning fun. While I really do need the money, no amount of money is worth losing such an important day celebrating with little ones. Day by day I regret more and more that I don't have a sweetie or little ones of my own. I suppose there is always the possibility, but with every day that passes I fear there is more and more I will never truly have.

Day 642 - 4/4 - Bunnah day

It's just after 11 at mini work. I got here around 5:30. It took a bit but I fell back asleep in the office. It's kind of annoying though; I'm supposed to start the shift at 8:45, but noone shows up until 10:30. It would make so much more sense to cut the shift down to have people show up at 10:15. Of course with no car the shorter shift would do me no good.

There was the cutest most attractive blond girl just here. Apparently a place she normally does her choreography teaching is closing early today and she needed a place to do it for about an hour. I'm technically not supposed to let her be here without renting the space, but she made me all , and it is special just for bunny day, so I said ok. She was super happy and bouncy when thanking me, which made me all . It's rare for a girl to make me feel something, and hopefully someday I can find a sweetie that does so again. I suppose there is a one in elebentybillion chance a girl such as this who is so much younger than me could be interested and I could have my happily ever after, and every day and year that passes there are more girls coming along, so I suppose you never know and I may find someone after all.

I'll be done with mini work in just over 3 hours and hopefully C&H can come get me soon after. They are doing a morning then then eating with someone around 1. They should be done around 2, so adding driving time after that it shouldn't be too long after I'm off that they could be here. They have a friendly peep coming over to visit around 3, so things should work out ok and I shouldn't have to wait too long after work is over. Peeps are coming over for an evening bunnah day party at around 6, so there may be fun to be had tonight. Only a few have said they will show up, so I guess we'll see what happens when it happens.

Since Nvidia has officially announced their series 4 cards I think I may do a new set of system recommendations. I may wind up only adding on a rank 5 system, as their cards can't do triple monitor on a single card, putting them very behind ATi in anything but the higher-end system builds. It could be quite a while before they catch up.

Happy Easter bunnah day everybody!

Day 643 - 4/5 - Meh car

It's super late, so I'll be brief. I borrowed C&H's car to go to work this morning. There still hasn't been much luck for cars so we had to drive super far to the one we knew was available. About 45 minutes each way and $900 later I had my replacement car. I felt sick and sad. It wasn't under the circumstances I wanted to get it under. It wasn't really at all what I like in terms of looks. It smells funky. I practically fall down when getting in it's so low. One mirror is busted off and needs to be replaced. The paint is all faded. I didn't want to put C&H out of their car any longer though. That's sad and not ok.

Much like everything else in my life the car was done in a way I didn't want, and isn't what I'd have chosen on my own. It's serviceable, but that's about it. I had little to no choice in taking it. It had to be done, and it was the only one I could afford in money or time.

Sad day is sad. I feel I may never get a car I love again. My life seems to keep getting progressively worse and becoming more and more compromises to what needs to be done instead of being something I enjoy or want to do.

Day 644 - 4/6 - Longing for quiet

I'm so super tired, despite sleeping in today for the first time in a while. All day I've just wanted it to be quiet. The phone went off twice in the room I'm sleeping in this morning. Then the little one was up making noise. Then H was up making noise. Of course he was playing his game, so there was noise going on all day next to me. It's not a bad life really I suppose, particularly compared to before, but I long for peace and quiet. I want to have my own room with my own stuff set up how I want with things quiet and calm. I don't know how long it will be before that can happen.

I have another class tomorrow. During the one last night I realized how very completely tired I am of going to classes.

I want so very much to have my own place with my own life, free from need to do all these things I don't want to do, free from worry, free to do things how and when I do want to do them.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2010
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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